I can't deal with life

[Offred]

Everything is so hard and I feel like such a burden on everyone and everything. I have four young beautiful children, a lovely husband but I just can't get away from these suicidal feelings. I don't want to be alive. I want to die, I love my children too much and resent that fact. I think of their happy smiling faces and I just can't do it. Where do you go from this horrible limbo?

Sorry you feel like this. Have you been to the doctors at all?

The doctor doesn't help. They only want to put me on medication. Medication had only ever helped me avoid dealing with the real reasons I feel bad. I feel damaged by things I've experienced, I don't think there is a way to make that better.

It might be worth going to talk to the doctor as they might be able to refer you for counselling. I don't know what you have been through and don't know your history, just trying to help.

I had some counselling earlier this year and have been on AD's for nearly 8 months now. I'm feeling better than I was but there is still some way to go.

Please don't give up on everything. Your Dc need you.
I lost a parent when I was younger and still find it hard now almost 20 years later.
Try to stay strong.
{{{Hugs}}}

You sound like you need some sort of counselling. The way you are thinking about the things you have been through is making you feel very bad and it sounds to me like you need to work through it in some way so that you can think about things in a different way. You can't change what has happened to you but you can (with work and time) change the way you think and feel about it, for the better.

Your children need you at the moment and rely on you which can be overwhelming sometimes but stick with it and you will reap the rewards later in life. It sounds like you need to spend some time helping yourself at the moment tho - if you can't afford to pay for counselling yourself you'll need to badger your doc.

I don't know how much better I can feel, my whole life has been hard and horrible I just feel overwhelmed by it. I know I am now in the stage where I am working hard to make things better but I just feel like it is too hard. I love the children. I don't have the option to kill myself. I just wouldn't, because of them but that fact doesn't improve things for me in how i feel. Maybe I do need some more counselling the doctor won't refer for counselling, only give anti-ds. I would rather live with the feeling bad than the artificial feeling good about things when I should feel bad that you get from anti-ds. I can't get away from the harm, the children are part of it.

My parents are toxic, I'm currently trying to at least gain mental space. I was sexually assaulted from age 11 in school, raped the first time at 17, in an abusive relationship 18-21, the eldest two are from sexual abuse/rape, their dad is still involved and I feel I can't cope with him but can't do anything about it, just feel utterly powerless against him. Youngest are twins, had difficult time coping with them and lost a lot of my friends/life I'd built up after xp.

Change your doctor to a more sympathetic one?

You sound as though you are thinking very negatively about lots of things - I'm guilty of doing this myself some days! It's hard to think of the positives in life when you feel like this but it's worth a try?

What's very obvious is how much you love your children which makes you a great mum. IME they don't always show their appreciation of mum's hard work but remember how much they love you - YOU are the most important thing in their lives without a doubt.

Sorry xpost. I don't want what I just said about thinking negatively to belittle what you've been through.

I think you deserve more support - I hope other mnetters can suggest where you can get it. But changing your doctor might be worth a try?

Problem is my parents are doctors. Every doctor in my town knows them, they have recently been president and secretary of the local medical society. There is not a doctor in town who would treat me differently, I am extremely wary of trying. I know that sounds like an excuse. I know the children love me, I know I'm an amazing mum, I don't have self esteem problems, I know no-one could replace me or even come close. Think I need to talk to my husband.

I know it wasn't meant to belittle me btw. I suppose I just feel like the way I'll feel better is with time and love and good things and I think I might be on the cusp of that but it is hard to deal with and also I can see how long it will be and how much hard work before things may be truly happy and safe.

I'm sure you'll get there eventually, like you say, with time and love. take care x

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling so much, Offred, it sounds horrible

Could you afford private counselling? I have been on several different types of medication in the past and while they gave me some valuable breathing space, the only thing that worked for me was long term psychotherapy. Yes, it has been expensive (and bloody hard work), but it is so worth it; the pills were allowing me to feel better, but not really helping the underlying (childhood) issues

Many counsellors work on a sliding scale of fees for people in certain circumstances, which surprised me a little at first, as I thought it was only really accessible to those with lots of money.

If this is a route you would like to explore, the BACP and UKCP have a directory of counsellors and therapists around the UK. Don't feel like you have to go along with the first one you speak to, what's really important is that you can both work together.

I suppose I don't know anything about therapy or what type might help. Ultimately I kind of feel feeling like this is actually a normal healthy reaction to my life. What type of therapy is there and what is each best for?

There are different types of therapy based on different theories, the three main ones being CBT, psychoanalytic and person centered. Some therapists work in an integrative way, drawing on different theories at different times

See www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/ which explains it all far better than I can.

What matters though (IMO) over and above the theory used is the relationship with the therapist and it needs to work for the therapy to be effective. This is why you shouldn't feel that you need to work with the first therapist you meet, instead it is better to sign up for an assessment session to talk about your presenting issues and the way in which the therapist works

I have had all 3 types of therapy at some point, but the one I am having at the moment and that better suited to me right now is psychoanalytic psychotherapy, whereby we are exploring current issues in my life and how they relate to my childhood and past relationships. It is long term work and as I said, it is hard work, but I am really seeing results and I hope that they will be long term results too. My therapist is amazing, she is quite old and very experienced and I can be really, really honest with her. I have been seeing her for a year now and it is literally turning my life around

hth xx