I don't want to be alive

[mosp]

...but I can't allow any of my struggles to become known to my family.

Therefore, I have trapped myself. By writing and writing (that's how I deal with things), I have left a trail. I hate that I can't destroy the trail. I want to just go with NO explanation. My suicide note would just say "No comment".

Why did I live? Why couldn't he have killed me?

Maybe I just need to tell myself that it won't matter who knows what when I'm gone.

Sorry, just offloading.

Keep off-loading. What's up?

Everything I touch goes mouldy. I am no good to anyone. I hurt the ones I love. I'm the rotten ingredient in an otherwise healthy bake.

As Jammy said - keep off-loading.

I find it better to off-load to people I dont know in RL.

Im quite a good listener too, and have also been in this situation

((hugs))

I don't know how to act 'normal'.

It's too much to tell. I can't face telling anything. It's flooding me. It's far too much to unpick. I start therapy soon. It will fail, I know.

Oh you poor, poor thing. I understand. I don't know your story, I'm afraid. I'm listening if you want to say more. (((mosp)))

No. Sorry to bother you. I need to go. Sorry.

You can always just start with a bit at a time if that's easier.

And you're not bothering us! We wouldn't be answering your thread if we didn't want to help.

That's great that you're starting therapy soon. Well done for getting that organized. I'm seeing a therapist and it is hard but it's helping so much and giving me such insights into why I am like I am. It will be a safe space for YOU.

Mosp, the worst thing you can ever do is keep your troubles to yourself.

Please inbox me when you feel ready to just have a rant about it - get it off your chest

I can try my best to help and give you and outsiders point of view
x

((hugs)) I'm here too

You can't fail therapy. If it doesn't go well,it's more about the therapist perhaps not being the right one for you ok?

One step at a time, have you tried relaxation tapes? When things feel overwhelming it can be helpful to take it right back to focusing on nothing but your breathing.

i saw a councillor and it helped me... hope it works for you too xxxx

Absolutely. You are not bothering us. It's hard when people are nice to you sometimes, isn't it? I'll check back in later and see if you're around. Thinking of you x

as having been suicidal before my bipolar was diagnosed, i know the thing you are going through, what has brought this about? as its clear that you are depressed and need help a.s.a.p, its good that you write and are able to express yourself, is it possible to take a member of your family into your confidence if that is not possible at least speak to your g.p who can refer you to speak to someone it is all in confidence, but please get help, it will be a long haul but you can do it, keep posting if you can. you are in a very scary place in your head, take one step at a time and make that call today.

I don't want to live, either. I just do it because my two surviving children are so young just now.

Mosp, I know how you are feeling because I think I feel the same. I don't know whether I am depressed or need to grow up. I feel I have nothing to offer anyone but hopefully, you can see that you are not alone in how you are feeling. Some days better than others, most days are crap, don't sleep, walking around like a zombie. DH too capable and able to get how I am feeling. Unfortunately, not sure how to get out of this so can't offer any advice but offload away.

Dear Mosp

You say you don't want to live but rather than having done anything about it, you are posting on Mumsnet and have found other people who are willing to support you, without them knowing any of your background. That background you can disclose to your therapist in the knowledge that they will not disclose anything as he/she will be listening to what you have to say or the silence. Perhaps if you want to, you could just put on a big coat and shoes, take an umbrella and go out for a 5/10 minute walk just to let the outside air blow a few cobwebs away and when you're at home, just do something like make a cup of tea and have a chocolate biscuit. What I am saying is remember to do something nice for yourself- life may to totally shitty for you at the moment, but it was'nt always like this and it may not again. I hope you find a way through all you are dealing with at the moment Clare

I just got back from my first therapy session. Sat in silence for the entire time, couldn't even make eye contact. He made me another app but there is NO way I can ever go again.
This is the trauma therapy that I have waited over two years for.
I suppose I need to resign myself to always living with fears and paranoias. Feeling so rubbish :(

Hi mosp how are you? I'm no expert but I think it's quite common to not speak in the first counselling session especially when it's for trauma. The counsellor will have been expecting that. You need to feel comfortable and trust this guy, so he will be waiting til you're ready. Are you ok with the counsellor being a man? If you are, please go back. (or see about changing to a woman if not). They will be able to help and will have seen and heard it all before. Take care, my dear, much love to you xx

Thank you fourbears.
I have written to the phychotherapy unit to request a female therapist, no matter how long that means I have to wait.

Really, I know I was not being purposefully difficult yesterday. I had a very open mind about have a male therapist despite my reservations. However, now it is crystal clear that I'll never be able to speak to him.
Common or not, looking back I do feel sorry for him. He tried so hard, poor man.

Hi mosp, how are you ?