People pleasing

[doinmummy]

Not really mental health but I hate myself for trying to please people to the detriment of myself. I have a new lodger and have stripped the room , decorated with new carpet , new mattress, duvet , pillows etc. I have just agreed to buy a new bed, chest of drawers and computer table for her which I can't really afford. Why did I do this? The room is fine as it is. I hate myself but can't seem to stop going over the top to please people .

What are you scared of?
Criticism? Rejection?

And what would happen if rather than hating yourself you started seeing your people pleasing habit as too much of a good thing - something you 'like' to do, but a luxury you can't indulge in all the time?

I haven't thought of it on terms of being scared of what will happen . I guess I don't want to be thought of as not a nice person. But why do I go over the top? She has to go to the airport this week and I immediately offered to drive her there even though I don't want to . I speak and make all these offers before thinking. Then wish I had kept my mouth shut.

Well what is driving you to do that?
And why do you think that unless you go OTT to please, people won't see you as a nice person?

Off to bed now, but awaiting an answer!

Do you think you may have 2 problems?
The speaking before thinking may be a seperate problem to the trying to please people problem.

I do this it drives me mad but I know what you mean when you say you open your mouth and out the words tumble and you're actually saying the opposite of what you want to do.

I went on a course called 'feel the fear' with work (based on the book 'Feel the fear and do it anyway') and I I learned to think before speaking (a bit more often) but also to consider the worst thing that could happen as a result of my actions. (Ie if I say no to this person what is the worst thing that can happen?) and I find that it really helps when I remember to do it.

She also recommended a book called 'the disease to please' which I haven't read yet.

I will read thus thread with interest, but know that you're not alone OP

Why don't you promise yourself that you will no longer offer things in a knee jerk reaction? Write the thing you would like to offer to do down in a little book, and then all the reasons why and why not. Then sleep on it. And decide the next day, having given it proper consideration.

You could go back to her and say 'I rather hastily offered to give you a lift to the airport, this is going to put me out, and I wonder if you might be able to make other arrangements?' Then that's the end of it. UNless it's tomorrow or something.

Thank you all for replying. I have had a word with myself and will explain that I cant take her to the airport after all. I will also say that on reflection a new bed etc will not be happening either . A course on 'brain before mouth' seems like a very good idea. I just wonder what is inside me that makes me feel as though I have to behave like this. Glad to know I'm not alone .

The thing is Frieda, I don't even seem to know that these words will come out of my mouth, so I don't give myself time to think about what I've said. It's like having Tourette's.

Have just downloaded 'the disease to please ' on my kindle. It seems like such a trivial problem but I am fed up of being like this .

Ooh that's good. Well done for taking a positive step. I'd be really interested to know if you feel it helps you. Best of luck!

doinmummy It's perfectly normal to want to please people rather than displease them. But you must learn to please yourself first.

It's good that you have insight and recognise it. I'm sure that means you can overcome it.

Good luck and well done for not buying the new bed. :)

Told her (nicely) that I wont be able to take her to the airport after all. I haven't mentioned that there will be no new bed but I dont feel that I need to make a point of telling her, just when it next comes up.

Mind you she very nearly ended up homeless after waking us up at 11 pm by hoovering !!!!

Well done doinmummy.

Thank you Frieda.