Questioning my mental health

[tweedlezee]

Right, here we go. I have been looking through prev. posts re:mental health and post natal depression and wondered if I could get some help/advice from the Mumsnet ladies. I am going to lay it all out there.
I have 2 LO, both perfect (and one slightly mad, in a good way) I love with my really wonderful OH. There is 14 months between my kids and although I have (practical) help from grandparents they do live a long way away. I have pushed through these 2 pregnancies mostly alone. OH works very hard and runs his own business so that is his main focus day to day (he adores our children so no qualms there). We have had alot of upheaval and both pregnancies came as a shock surprise.
i have always been strong, been through alot in my life and I have not had the best relationship with my own mother.
My DD was born 10pounds 7oz (ouch!) and I had surgery to remove the placenta after a natural (no drugs) birth. I could not walk for the last 4 months of my 2nd pregnancy due to SPD.
She ate well, slept well and her brother mostly adores her. The day after I returned back form hospital my partner went back to work (I do resent him slightly for this though I am trying to let go of that emotion).
So there I am, 2 babies, limited supprt network, still with the pain of SPD which lasted until DD was about 4 months old.
I had mood swings and felt rotten. I blamed sleep deprivation. DD started to sleep through at 4 months. I still felt rotten. I blamed breastfeeding, I stopped at 6 months. I still felt rotten. I blamed my thyroid, got tested, I still felt rotten. I blamed my hormones, got put on the pill, had periods again, I still felt rotten.
Mood swings, aches, tiredness, frustration, forgetfullness, irritable, lack of patience, lack of focus, numbness, crying before breakfast, thoughts of people harming me (specifically being shot in the head) and obsessive thought about my partner being controlling (he's not, i'm just limited by my very young children in what i can do), anxiety about leaving the house in case it rains!
I went to the Dr and she gave me anti-depressants and I haven't taken them. I talked to friends and family, fairly negative reaction to anti-depressants, which is normal I think. So i felt better for talking, for putting it out there and being able to be honest about how i have been feeling. The weekend was wonderful and full of warmth and joy.
Now its Tuesday and I feel I could have a panic attack at the drop of a hat. Heart racing, sweating, irritable and tired despite a lovely evening with the OH and a good sleep.
The anti-d's keep calling my name, I am confused. I want someone to help me. Dr has not offered any kind of emotional support and my ever warm hearted and generous mother has said "this has just come at the wrong time for me because I am going on holiday". So she's on holiday.

Help?!?

xxx

I think the answer is self evident - I think you should take the meds. I am not a young mum but a grandmother but have suffered from severe depression and it is not intermittent, but I know the horror of the illness. I am sure there will be young mums on soon to talk to you about PND.

You are describing symptoms of depression and anxiety (because these twin evils go hand in hand) and I think if it goes untreated it will become worse. Yes you do have an awful lot on your plate, but I am constantly amazed at the number of young mums who are afraid of taking ADs. I don't think you should be asking friends and family for their views on ADs. There is a big myth about these drugs that they will make you like a zombie etc etc. You wouldn't be asking around if you were prescribed an antibiotic would you.

It is true that an AD that suits one person, maybe doesn't suit another, and they do take 2/3 weeks to kick in, and sometimes the dose needs to be increased (as you are usually started on a low dose) and occasionally a different AD has to be tried. SO it is not like taking pracetomol for a headache.

The thing is these ADs are very safe drugs and you can't become addicted to them, some of them have been used for the past 50 years. There are newer ones out now that most GPs will prescribe - the SSRIs like citalopram or sertraline and others like this.

We are lucky I think that these drugs are available that can restore us to good mental health. They have certainly been life savers for me and many others on the MH threads. I think there is still a big stigma around mental illness and it sounds like you are trying everything, other than accepting that you have a depressive illness. 1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental illness at some point in their lives and one third of GP appts are for mental health issues. SO my advice is to start taking the meds - you might have side effects, but these usually cease over time and remember all drugs have side effects.

YOu have a chance of feeling better, so take it before your illness gets worse.

I just keep hoping i will wake uo tomorrow and feel better.
Somehow, in my head, if i take the anti-d's I have lost all hope that i can fix this. I have always been able to fix my problems. But this one, after yoga, exercise, good eating and mediation, I can't fix!
I do feel like the tablets might be the answer in terms of moving forward. and people telling me to be positive makes me want to punch them as its so hard to feel positive when you ache and feel tired when trying to get out of bed.
my worry is if i dont take them then oneday i wont be able to get out of bed (or that i will actually punch someone).
i push through because i have 2 little children. sometimes the tiredness and emotions aren't there one week but then the next week its like i have been hit with a hammer.

thank you so much for the response.
no one in my life has ever been where i am before (Mental health wise) so it is hard to find people who know how I feel.
Thank the world for MN!
xx

Well you might wake up one day and feel better (like you did over the weekend) because the other trick that depression plays on you is it is unpredictable and you can have good days and bad day. I can be well for weeks and then without warning I am "on the floor" again and they can last for around 7 days and then I am ok again.

I understand about feeling that you can't fix it and you maybe see taking ADs as "giving in" to the illness, but you have no choice I'm afraid. You wouldn't be trying to "fix" your broken leg would you. However this is yet another symptom of depression that we feel we should be able to do something to "fix" ourselves and at my worst (when admitted to hospital) I was constantly saying I was ashamed of myself. This is very common as it is another trick depression plays on us, makes us think things about ourselves that aren't true. There is a book called "Depression - the Curse of the Strong" written by a psychiatrist (can't remember his name) but it will be on Amazon. Depression hits all strata of society, from the aristocrats to the poorest people and anyone in between.

I too could punch people who tell me to "think positively" as when you are in the throes of the illness, that is the very thing that you can't do. It's like teling someone with a chest infection to stop coughing! I honestly believe that no one can understand this illness until they have experienced it themselves. It almost defies description.

How much longer are you going to struggle on - yes it will probably come and go (as that's the nature of the beast) but it will get worse rather than better. So come on, take those tablets out of the cupboard and start to take them - and start the journey to recovery and getting your old life back. At the moment you haven't started the journey................

Sending you warm wishes

I totally agree that there is a stigma attached to taking ADs. I listened to the prejudice and 'you are going to get addicted' shite for years. I did not get better.

Eventually, I took the ADs. It is the best thing I ever did. (It was Mirtazapene if you want to know).

I think I was on them for around 5 years. I've been off them for nearly a year. Sometimes you need that bit of extra help.

Good luck. x

Please take the anti ds. Dont tell anyone if you feel thats better. But you have tried to fight this alone and now you need a bit of help. Its nothing to be ashamed of.

A million thank you's.
It does play tricks on you NanaNina. Last week I was so very down and this weekend? I felt on top of the world. The support and kindness of friends and my OH helped to bring me back up but after the feelings rising up again today I though to myself "this is completely out of my control, it tells me when i'm ok, not the other way around!"
I have taken them.
I don't want to get worse. I know it is a long journey and I have done the hardest part.
And you are right, no one does know how it feels until you have experienced it. it isolates you and the isolation increases as you feel you can't let people know as they will think if they changed, or if you changed, or if situations changed.
I worry that everytime it comes back it comes back stronger and is increasingly more debilitating.
I want to really feel my emotions again, really feel happy, really laugh and not have that apathetic feeling in the back of my head.
It is amazing to see that so many people have had similar experiences.
the nature, as i have said, is that is isolating and the feelings of shame only perpetuate its strangling grip on your life.

Oh wow Tweedlezee well done you! What are your meds and do you have to take them twice a day or 3 times.

Please remember what I said in my first post about them not working straight away and you might have some side effects but then again you might not. I don't think a GP would think about changing the meds until you had been on them for over a month - they usually kick in in 2/3 weeks, but everyone is different. But whatever you do, don't stop taking them because you aren't feeling better (or because you are!) as sometimes you can get worse before you get better.

Your last post shows that you are "getting your head" around the deceitfulness and unpredictability of dep/anx. Come back and tell us how you are doing.

Brilliant post from MrsNobody

I think maybe i knew i should. its just all you hear is the negatives form people who have never taken them and for whom depression is something which hapens after you lose your job. Not when you have a nice home, 2 amaziong kids and lovely DP. and that is the hardest thing. Realising it is not something i can pull myself out of because it will inevitably spiral down.

Yes thankyou MrsNobody. I want to get better.
But i have continued with the holistic approach for 10months so a combined approach (meds and the rest) and i will be 100% in no time.
It is wonderful to think, that in one short morning, and with the support of amazing women, i can start a journey which WILL be a positive one.

I am aware of side effects but then surely they can't be worse than spending 10months scared of leaving the house in case my baby cries and people look at me (i know, its not been right for a while!)

Oh and NanaNina they are citalopram and it says just 10mg once a day. I am assuming GP has started me on a low dose to see how it goes.

I have another appointment on Monday. I guess it will not be a true gaige as today is the first day (and i went 2 weeks ago) but I guess its a start?!

Hi tweedle just to say you're not alone and you have absolutely done the right thing starting the meds- a brave move but one you won't regret. I am a mum of 2 (ds 3 and dd 5mo) and also a health professional. I had mild PND after my son was born but gradually got better on my own. With dd it was another story and by 2 months postnatal I was very ill- almost exactly as you described- the paralysing anxiety was unlike anything I had ever experienced, I didn't sleep, eat or enjoy anything, and I had terrible dark thoughts and genuinely felt nothing for my daughter- i felt she had ruined out lives. I put it all down to sleep deprivation until my mum witnessed my anxiety in full flow and made me see it wasn't normal. I eventually saw my GP.
Anyhow long story sorry but I started ADs 9 weeks ago and after about 3/4 weeks of taking them it was as though a curtain had lifted. I have so much love for my kids and dh again and am really having fun with them. I have also told close friends and family about it and the response is overwhelming- so many people have been there!!
Keep seeing your GP and what about your HV? Has your GP discussed CBT with you as it has good evidence in PND? Good luck, I hope my story helps you see you are not alone and you will absolutely get better, and helps to remove some of your fears re ADs

jamboncru thank you.
(as you can see i am gripped to MN today. it is helping me through this first and most challenging of days.)
I think the worst part of me being ill is i have kept it so well hidden to the point where when i told people they were "oh but you are fine!"
but the thoughts in my head are not fine and leaving the house with my 2 children (who honestly are no trouble) is the most panic inducing thing. I want to run and hide from my own excistance at times.
i have also had obsessive thought about the OH which again are my illness manifesting itself, i can see this now but i can only see this now because i feel ok this week. i have no sense of what is 'ill' thoughts and what are 'normal' thoughts when i am having a bad week. and it seems to be a cycle with me - good week, bad week etc.
My HV is mega rubbish. I dont think it helps that i look so 'together'. They look at me and my lovely kids, well fed, well dressed, generally well behaved and they think "nah" but they don't realise that i have spent the morning crying because i can't call the energy company to give them a meter reading because i feel like it will bring on a panic attack or that i have spent the morning thinking about falling off the roof of our house (TMI?) and just because i am dressed now, for this one appointment in 7 days, doesn't mean we haven't spent the last 6 days at home with the curtains drawn watching disney films in our pyjamas.
And yes thank you for the words re:anti-d's. I would like that curtain to be lifted. The 'brain fog' as i have named it has not lifter since DD was born. I have described my life to people as walking through treacle. Because it is.
i wan tot plan fun days and do them, not avoid them, and not (which i have doen a couple of times rather shamefully) pretend to my OH that we did do them as I am ashamed to tell him we didn;t get dressed until 10minutes before he arrived home.
God its all coming out now isn't it?!?
This is actually making me

Have you told anyone in real life these things? I know how good it feels to offload them....at first you think you can't possibly say them out loud because people will think you are a nutjob, or call social work etc etc etc but once you actually voice them to people it is almost unreal to hear yourself saying them, it actually made me laugh as it all sounded so daft (although it clearly was no laughing matter!)
How honest have you been with your GP? Sorry I haven't read all of your posts in exact detail, am typing while dealing with baby and pureeing weaning veg like a madwoman
Please be as honest as you can with them, only then can they treat you properly. Also how honest have you been with your other half? Mine was horrified as like you I had covered things up for so long he thought I was fine and felt terribly guilty.
There is such a culture of "must cope" amongst us mummies, so much pressure.

Just read your bit about HV. Mine was upset when she found out i had seen GP and started anti-depressants as she also thought I was fine. I too look very "together" and she commented at my 6 week check how calm I seemed and how well I was coping. Guess that was my cue but I wanted to seem like supermum . Also like I said I am a health professional myself so totally lied on my postnatal depression questionnaire

yeh i have been very honest. Alot of crying and wlaking out with puffy eyes.
I am alot better than i once was thats for sure. my darkest point was when DD was about 6-7months old. I know that i can get better, i really have faith in myself.
I spoke at the weekend to a couple of close girlfriends about what been going on and they were shocked as they thought i was 'fine'. i think its because i see my good friends so rarely these days (lots of other mums but not the mates you rolled out of bars with at 4am 5 years ago) that i don;t always want to talk about having a foggy brain and weeping in the morning. i just, for that short time, want to feel normal.
but people around me have been supportive and i think i just need the AD's to take the edge off the anxiety aspect. My get up and go has got up and gone after months of sitting at home and worrying IYSWIM?
I am looking at Mood GYM which is brilliant, i would recommend it to people who aren't depressed because is just such a better way of looking at things.
i have been brought up with 'just cope' mother and grandma so it is all i have known. to not be able to cope is seen as a sign of weakness so that is why it has been so hard for me to come out and say it to people.
instead i have just been ripping into OH whenever i have felt down, which is not very nice for him.
(and pureeing and MN? That is some fierce multi-tasking!!

and yes, saying the things about falling off our roof to friends loosened its grip on me. just hearing it out loud made it less real. this was a massive help.

I too work in health care, dealing with people in very difficult situations. Giving emotional advice and caring for them.

i am very good at it when it comes to other people and i spoke to someone like me i would have trie dmy very best to help them.
so why think people wouldn't want to do the same for me?
who knows!

tweedlezee I want you to know I've been feeling exactly as you describe - I'm like two different people mornings and afternoons - and I have been on ADs for two weeks after trying to hide from the PND.

thank you hairtale it reallyreally helps to know i am not alone. It helps to know there is a light at the end of what has felt like an endless tunnel xxx

i meant hairytale

Been there too, you have to be SO so proud of yourself, for having survived and had the strength to get up out of bed the last ten months. I know exactly how horrifically hard that must have been. So pleased you have decided to take meds.really don't get why people see them so negatively. If you had a chest infection you would take anti biotics, depression/anxiety particularly post nataly are illnesses, chemical imbalances, why wouldn't you take the treatment? Let us know how you do.

So day 2: feel like eyes are going drop out of my head. Buzzing would probably be the best word to describe it. But my head is not filled with random negative thoughts AND we managed to leave the house first thing and visit friends. this is a big step. I have also made an appt. at the hairdressers and called the gas company without a panic attack. If this is day 2, i am looking forward to the future. Do you think it would be ok if i kept this post running? Maybe if i update as i go along it could be a good reference for women who are looking for information in the future re: anti-d's?
I searched everywhere for a positive story to give me hope for the future, I am hoping to be that positive story for myself and maybe for others?

I would really love if you kept this message going.

I have been battling with anxiety since the birth of my DS1 6 years ago. It has gotten much better over the years, but it flares up from time to time (now is one of those times) I am just fed up fighting it ALL the time. I have decided to approach my GP for AD's. Earliest I can see the one I want to see is the 30th, but I have waited this long so what's a little longer. I'm just annoyed that I have made myself wait this long in the hope it will just go away

Now that I have made the decision I'm looking forward to a better future hopefully!!

Thank you for this wonderful thread! X x

Great news tweedle, am so glad you are feeling positive today. Do you think making the decision to take the meds has helped you take some control? Onwards and upwards! Equally if tomorrow is not so good....don't beat yourself up, there will be wobbles as you know. I would love to hear how you are doing and I think the more positive experiences women like us can hear, the better so yes to keeping the thread going!

I am another healthcare professional who suffered with PND for a year before accepting that I needed help/ tablets. Within a week my friends and dh noticed an improvement, and Eventually i feet normal again, working full time and enjoying life now. It took a while to get to this point so don't give up, thank god for modern medicines. Please be honest with your GP, and if they aren't that sympathetic, find another one! Well done for doing something for yourself!

Great to hear you are managing to do things today Tweedle - yes I think (from reading the MH threads on here) that 10mg dose of citalopram is very low and they usually put it up to 20mg over time, but if 10 mg does the trick so be it. I was wondering about your next appt with GP because they usualy give you one 2 weeks from the time they prescribed, so wondered if it would bebest to cancel Monday and make one for 2 weeks from when you started the meds, but that's for you to decide of course.

Don't forget that getting well again doesn't necessarily go in a straight line (in fact it seldom does) and you might have bad days again, here and there, but don't despair if this does happen and start thinking "Oh the meds have stopped working"because this is just the way depression is - very up and down, until you make a full recovery. 4 out of 5 people are fully recovered from treated depression in 4 - 6 months.

YES, please keep us posted........