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Original poster

For those who have walked out.....How did you make that first step?

53 replies

zephyrcat · 09/03/2006 15:41

I'm coming to realise more and more by the day that I wish I had the guts and means to leave p.
Problem is I have 4 year old dd, 20 month old ds and a baby due in 4 weeks. I can't take much more of living with him. I don't know that I even love him anymore. I've got nowhere else to go and not a penny to my name to go with. Am I stuck here?

OP posts:
BuffysGettingWarm · 10/03/2006 19:22

zeph - are you having a girl or boy? Please, email me at [email protected] I've got some stuff you can have, I was really lucky and was given loads!!!

Dior · 10/03/2006 19:25

ZC - could this be pregancy hormones? Not belittling your feelings, just wondering. How were you together before you fell pg?

RedTartanLass · 10/03/2006 19:32

Bl88dy idiot Blush

I would make a crap spy Wink

The buffy poster was me (obviously!!!)

RedTartanLass · 10/03/2006 19:33

I'm the idiot BTW - not you!!

I need some sleep......

Original poster
zephyrcat · 10/03/2006 20:04

lol RTL Grin First thing that's made me laugh all day!!!! Grin

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Original poster
zephyrcat · 10/03/2006 20:07

Dior - I really haven't a clue! That's why I posted n feeling depressed and not relationships - my head's all over the place just now and it could well be the reason for all this. Before I fell pg things were going well - but then dp had a job and we were fairly secure. I'm not really sure which way I'm going or what I'm thinking tbh!

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RedTartanLass · 10/03/2006 20:24

Just hope my secret swapper didn't see Sad!!!

Were you swiperfox?

Original poster
zephyrcat · 10/03/2006 20:27

yep that was me! Someone had a right go at me over something I said about dd being born on xmas day so I sneaked back to Zephyr!!

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RedTartanLass · 10/03/2006 20:33

Thought you sounded dead familiar Grin I've had this on my watch list for ages \link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=2230&threadid=100915\and wondered what happened to you}

Sparklemagic · 10/03/2006 20:33

From my point of view (FWIW) it sounds as if you are in a horribly stressful situation, with money and lack of a job, etc - and of course this is heightened because of worry of a new baby on the way.

I think it would be impossible for ANYONE to be coping very well in your situation, either of you I mean, and I think you are both very very unsupported - you obviously have little or no help or break from the kids, and you must be highly stressed and exhausted.

I think your feelings of wanting to escape the relationship are at least as much to do with wanting to escape the situation you are in. And I think because you are 'alone together' and pretty much unsupported, you are bound to take it ALL out on eachother, which puts you as 'enemies' and removes the last area where you could be supported - ie by eachother. It's then a downward spiral, do you know what I mean?

If there was some way that you could have a shift from this position of enemies to facing it together, I'm sure you could save this situation. It's just difficult to get there, I know. When I had some problems with my relationship with DH, I wrote a heartfelt letter to him because it was easier to get it all out and know that it wasn't going to turn into an argument. And it worked, because we inched closer to being 'allies' again rather than heading in our selfish directions. From there we were able to plan calmly to sort out our horrible financial situation - and things are so 100% better, I can't tell you what a difference it makes. That's why I've taken the time to yabber on, because I know that in my case 80% of problems were the situation rather than the relationship - but we had to work on the relationship first, a bit, to make it possible to sort the situation together rather than by splitting.

Phew! hope some of that makes sense. Am thinking of you...

Original poster
zephyrcat · 10/03/2006 20:43

lol RTL yep that was me - same crap 6 months ago!! we made it that time though, then we had to do another 1800 in december and now again. Sparklemagic, the letter idea actually sounds a good one. It's something I always used to do because I am good at hiding from 'talking' but can say anything in a letter and have solved many problems that way! Might be worth a go. Thank you for bringing it up!

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Sparklemagic · 10/03/2006 21:04

oh glad you think it might help...will be thinking of you x

tinyFox · 10/03/2006 21:08

Hello zephyrcat
I was in the same situation as you, sounds like me 5 months ago, i know what you're going through. I haven;'t read through this whole thread how long have you been with your dp??
I left my dh, i was lucky enough to be able to go to my mums and had a lot of support but was a very scary thing to have to do. But i wish i had done it years ago, i was with my dh for 7 years. My two children are so much happier for it. my dh was very selfish and spent all out money and didn't pay the mortgage all sorts of stuff was emotionally bully, controlling. You know when it's time to go because you can't bear the thought of staying another second and you don't think about the what if's you just do it.

Original poster
zephyrcat · 11/03/2006 14:14

We've been together for 6 years, and are about to have our 3rd child. My problem is I can't bear to be here for another minute but I'm too hesitant to leave which makes me wonder if it's a pg thing making it all 100 times worse than it would be. At the moment we are swinging between being ok-ish and 'normal' to me bursting into tears and then fighting - which when I think about it rationally sounds very hormonal to me but when the red mist descends I will swear blind it's all him. Arrgghh!!!!!!

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almostanangel · 11/03/2006 14:17

[hugs]]]

collision · 11/03/2006 16:41

Could you borrow the money from someone for the rent?

Original poster
zephyrcat · 11/03/2006 21:46

Unfortunately neither of us has anyone we could ask - which doesn't help matters! I'm startin gto panic a bit now because if I'm going to make the break I have to do it Monday otherwise I'm going to have to give all my money for the rent and stay. I'm totally torn. He's been really horrid to dd :(

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misdee · 11/03/2006 21:54

are you not entitled to housing benefit? are you on the council list?

i really think that your problems with dp is to do with money. and his lack of responisibility.

rickman · 11/03/2006 22:00

Hello. I know you don't have a very high opinion of me Zephyr, but if I can help at all, just ask.

Original poster
zephyrcat · 12/03/2006 00:09

Don't be silly rickman - we 'disagreed' on one thing, I'm not one for grudges! To be honest I wondered where you'd gone!!

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rickman · 12/03/2006 00:14

Tbh I didn't realise you were SF, and it doesn't really make any difference to me anyway. As you know i did leave exp with 3 kids and a 4th on the way, it wasn't easy but it most definitely isn't impossible.

What has he done that is horrid to your dd? I think if my exp had been horrible to my kids, I would have left sooner. I think it changes things if you're not the only one suffering, you need to think about what's best for your kids as well as yourself.

I might be able to help you out with a few baby things. Do you know if you are having a boy or a girl?

Original poster
zephyrcat · 12/03/2006 13:47

Thanks Rickman. We are def having a girl - RTL I meant to email you as well, I wasn't being ignorant Blush!

DD is being particularly stroppy just now - 4 going on 14 kind of thing and insted of dealing with her like a grown up he answers her back with something sarcastic, which I can see hurts her feelings because she is 4 years old and testing the boundaries - she doesn't understand sarcasm etc. Yesterday I went into town on my own and phoned home for something, I heard DD ask for me and he said to her "Mummy isn't coming back" Shock He said it as a 'joke' according to him but she was really upset, understandably Angry :(

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Original poster
zephyrcat · 12/03/2006 13:50

I think tensions are running high between all of us which is making me feel more protective of DD as well - I remember being like that when I was pg with DS because I was scared she'd feel pushed out. Now all those feelings are back and more-so because it's another girl so I worry that her behaviour is because she's getting anxious. DP doesn't understand that so her behaviour winds him up, his reaction to her winds me up and it all blows up again!

However there was no excuse for what he said to her yesterday Angry

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tinyFox · 12/03/2006 13:58

Sounds like you don't own the house am i correct?? Can you not go to the council and see what they could do, it's a scary thought i know, but even if it just clears things in your head. I had a mortgage and i was housed under unreasonable behavior, hope you can sort this out, really feel for you. keep us posted

Original poster
zephyrcat · 13/03/2006 17:48

Well today was 'Judgement Day'! I didn't sleep much last night and had a really bad dream about DS runnng off from me and falling into the river and I couldn't catch him :( Woke up in the night panicking about how I'm going to keep all 3 of them safe :(

Despite that I woke up in a surprisingly good mood and felt strangely calm towards DP today. I actually felt sorry for him, he was really quiet and really nervous about going to tell the Estate Agent we didn't have enough rent. We put all our money together and raised 1200 - so 600 short. The Estate Agent said we have got until the end of the month to get the other 600 but he needs to confirm that with the Landlord so it's still touch and go. We are both slightly more relaxed with each other today, which is good. I'm also a bit panicked as I realised this morning I've only got 3 weeks left to go before the baby is here!!!

So now the mad rush is on to raise 600 as well as get all the baby stuff done. I'm still not sure how to feel about dp and at the moment I can't forgive him for getting us into this mess and the way he has been with dd but I know that I'm also not emotionally stable enough to leave before the baby is born. It's all just a bit too scary and overwhelming just now. I wonder if I need to talk to someone about depression - is this what depression is like?

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