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Mental health

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Original poster

For those who have walked out.....How did you make that first step?

53 replies

zephyrcat · 09/03/2006 15:41

I'm coming to realise more and more by the day that I wish I had the guts and means to leave p.
Problem is I have 4 year old dd, 20 month old ds and a baby due in 4 weeks. I can't take much more of living with him. I don't know that I even love him anymore. I've got nowhere else to go and not a penny to my name to go with. Am I stuck here?

OP posts:

Flossam · 09/03/2006 15:43

ZC I am sorry you are feeling this way. I don't know your history but one thing that stands out a mile for me from your post is that it is under feeling depressed and not relationships.

How long have you been feeling this way? Why are you feeling like this?

Original poster

zephyrcat · 09/03/2006 15:46

Thanks for your quick reply floss - he's just come back so i'll have so sneak on in a bit!

OP posts:

Original poster

zephyrcat · 09/03/2006 15:55

It took me a while to decide whether or not to post here or relationships - but I'm definatly feeling depressed which cmoe from a combination of things. DP left his job about a month ago because he was in sales which was a rubbish job with no prospects - however he hasn't bothered to get anything else. He's had one interview but looks like he hasn't got through the second interview. Our rent is due by 14th and we're about 400 pounds short. I've raised nearly 600 myself by selling stuff on ebay etc. We've got nothing ready for the baby and now now money to get anything - along the with the prospect of nowhere to live. He can't get out of bed in the morning, when the kids get up I get up with them and he stays in bed. He won't do anything unless I nag about it which I'm sick of, it's wearing me down. I'd be better off on my own but I don't know where to start. I know that I don't want to put the kids into a hostel but I don't know how long I can stay for them.

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 09/03/2006 16:01

Have you got any family you could all stay with?
Would your p leave leaving you in the house?
Do you think he is depressed?
Do you think you are?
What about counselling?
Poor you, it sounds horrible. Could you wait until after the baby's born?

Original poster

zephyrcat · 09/03/2006 16:06

I think I'll have no choice to wait until the baby is born - although with the rent situation there might not be a choice, I've no idea how the landlords are going to react - I doubt they'll renew our tenancy. He won't leave. He refuses to leave the kids - which in fairness I can't say anything about, I wouldn't leave them either! I think it has gotten to a point where we are both depressed with everything. Neither of us have got family or friends here - all our family is miles away which doesn't help as it's quite claustraphobic (sp) having just each other to take everything out on - good or bad! Also no break from the kids. I think my mum has had them about 3 times in the 4 years since dd was born.

OP posts:

red37 · 09/03/2006 16:09

Sorry you are feeling like this.
Could you not ask him for a separation.

Original poster

zephyrcat · 09/03/2006 16:12

I've suggested it. He won't go though. Says he's got nowhere to go, which is true. The job he'd just applied for but think he hasn't got would have taken him on a 5 week residential course which wouold have been perfect - God that sounds horrible

OP posts:

collision · 09/03/2006 16:15

I think you need to sit down and talk to him and tell him you cant cope with the way things are and how does he hope to pay the rent for this month?

He has to take more responsibility than you because he is working and you are PG and you should not be under this much stress when you are about to have a baby.

Tell him you are unhappy but his role in the family is to be the provider and if he doesnt provide it looks like you will be homeless and that you will have to leave with the kids!

I think he might be depressed about not having a job and the problem is is that the less you do the less you want to do and it becomes a vicious circle.

I really feel for you but he needs a kick up the backside.

Original poster

zephyrcat · 09/03/2006 16:24

yeah he does - big time. Thing is I'm sick of trying to give it. \The more I tell him all that stuff the more miserable he gets and it's going round in a vicious circle. I feel like he's dragging us all down with him because he can't/won't get off his arse and get a grip!!

OP posts:

Original poster

zephyrcat · 09/03/2006 18:08

He's just told me he's not getting a job because i don;t tidy the house enough.

I need to get out. ASAP. I've got about 500.00 in the bank which is for rent but that's not enough for a deposit on anything and I don't know where to go in the meantime. What do I do? He's also told me to 'wait until the kids are in bed'.

I hate him.

OP posts:

nutcracker · 09/03/2006 18:12

What does 'wait until the kids are in bed mean ' ??

Is he violent towards you ?

Original poster

zephyrcat · 09/03/2006 18:22

Not so far - he threatens it though.

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Original poster

zephyrcat · 09/03/2006 18:23

Generally if I talk about leaving with the kids.

OP posts:

collision · 09/03/2006 18:24

what does he think will happen if the rent isnt paid?

TearsBeforeBedtime · 09/03/2006 18:40

sorry things are going badly. I think you need to urgently look into your position if the rent remains unpaid, as you really won't feel up to doing this with a newborn - could you speak to CAB or Shelter?

MummyJules · 09/03/2006 18:48

Zephycat. I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. Just wanted to give you my story. I have just left my ex (yesterday in fact). You may have recalled some posts that I have posted in the last few months. You are definetely not stuck and it doesn't matter if you don't have any money. Go to the CAB and the Housing office and ask to speak to the duty officer and he will tell you all about the local house schemes that in your area. The one I belong to is great. The council have a list of landlords who accept housing benifit and the council are prepared to pay your deposit for you. I found a place within half an hour of the meeting and within three days had accepted the tennancy. If its truly what you feel you need to do then please do it.
I am happy for you to cat me if you would like someone to chat to.

Best wishes and good luck!

Jules

RedTartanLass · 09/03/2006 20:07

Zephycat - just want to agree with MummyJules. I walked out on my xp. Just loaded the car when he was at work and ran away. Walked away from an amazing job, big mortgage, all my friends etc.

Went back to Scotland with nothing but my son, £500, car and a bag of clothes.

We went to live with a relative, but it didn't work out, so we ended up in a hostel.

Zephycat, I'd be lying if I said it was easy, but to wake up in the morning and know that every day is your own, all the money is yours (what little there is!!!), every decision is yours, and that you don't have to answer to anyone. You don't have to worry about anyone's moods.

15 years later and I'm soooooooooo glad I did it.

FREEDOM

However saying that are you sure that is the right decision for you. It's not based on tiredness, hormones and maybe depression.

oh sweetie, have you any family close? Where do you live?

Original poster

zephyrcat · 09/03/2006 20:18

am lurking but he's here

OP posts:

collision · 09/03/2006 23:55

zc...you ok?

wabbitintheheadlamps · 10/03/2006 00:21

Just want to say my heart goes out to you, and if MummyJules and RedTartanLass hadn't said it's possible to get away even with no money and nowhere to go, it is possible - both my sister and I have done this (in different circumstances) and been helped by the Housing department and associations.

In the mean time, could you talk to housing about your rent shortfall now? If there's no other means of income, surely you can claim from DWP and Housing?

Hope you can rest your mind a little

Original poster

zephyrcat · 10/03/2006 12:46

Sorry I disappeared last night - he was sitting at the other end of the sofa and I posted on a few other threads to see if he watched and he did so I didn't dare come back her to post! In the end I just went to bed.

Just as I thought, everything is back to normal this morning. It's always the same after we fight, next day you'd think nothing had happened but it's still bugging me and deep down I still wish I had the guts to go. At the same time I want a quiet life and I want the kids to be with their Dad - I know, pathetic but if I'm totally honest, being this far pg and with the rent situation I'm not emotionally strong enough to do it.. I can sit and talk on here about it but I think if I had to go and talk to someone face to face I'd have a nervous breakdown! We've got to get our rent in by 14th and are about 400 short - not enough time to ask for help from housing. The landlords renew our tenancy every 3 months so we effectively have no lease as of 14th unless we get the rent.

OP posts:

Original poster

zephyrcat · 10/03/2006 12:51

Thank you all so much for your advice as well... sorry i'm half asleep today! It has really helped to know that it is possible to do it via CAB and housing associations. My biggest fear was that we'd be put in a hostel and not be allowed to take the kids stuff with us etc I don't want to put them through that. It's a big relief to know that an option is there.
RTL... I'm in two minds as to whether this is really about me wanting to leave him or if it is purely the fact that we are in such a stressful situation that's dragging us both down. I need to get that clear in my head before making any big decisions. Part of me this morning doesn't want this to wash over until next time but the other part of me just wants a quiet life!

OP posts:

collision · 10/03/2006 15:49

Have you asked him what he intends to do about the rent? It is his responsibility even if he has to go and clean toilets somewhere!

M&S are a good place to work...get him an application form or something.

He makes me cross!

Original poster

zephyrcat · 10/03/2006 17:13

He makes me cross too! esp this afternoon. I've kept every single penny i've had coming in, all the money that's meant to be for baby stuff - so far the baby has got 2 sleepsuits and a packet of vests and 3 bottles
I told him to cancel all this months direct debits and to go and get all of his money out of the bank so nothing was 'eaten up'. We topped up our loans by about 300.00 each - his has gone as has about 2/300 from his bank - that's a whole months rent gone . I've just taken 300 from my bank and asked him for the envelope of his money from the bank - which now only has 750 in it. I've got another 200 to add so altogether we are around 600 short and the rent is due by Monday. He dosen't even seem to be bothered. We are screwed. I've just done a rough add up in my head of things in the house to advertise.... TV, recordable dvd, computer and printer, brand new digital camera on printer dock.... it might just cover it but I have to decide QUICK. :(

OP posts:

NomDePlume · 10/03/2006 17:22

Rickman would be good for a bit of advice, she left her x and took her 3 kids and bump with her. Sorry you're going through this zeph

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