I just want it to be over.

[Arana]

I want to end it all so badly, but I just can?t do it to my DH and kids. It?s tearing me apart, the anger and frustration I had has settled into an even deeper, darker depression, and I just don?t want to face life. I just want to take a break and disappear.

You clearly understand that your husband and children love and cherish you - that's a great start
There are people on here who've faced this darkness and come out the other side. Please take some comfort from them - there's bound to be someone along soon.
The Samaritans are there to help - why not give them a call?

Arana, i tried to take my own life when my son was 10months old, cos i felt he would be better off without me and that i was a useless mother, i sometimes feel like i am a bad mum, but most the time i know i am a good mum, i do my best and thats all i can do and all my son really needs is to know he is loved.

It is hard when you are in the darkest place you have ever been, but right now you have hit rock bottom, so now you have a base and can stop falling, and maybe start climbing your way out.

Can i ask are you on any anti depressants? I was on anti depressants, sleeping tablets and diazepam, now I am fine without all of them, i am now okay, occasionally i still have bad days but most the time i am fine.

Is this a new feeling for you? Have you spoken to your DH and GP?

What can you do to get yourself a break tomorrow?

I recommend getting everyone out the house for a couple of hours and having a right good weep. A proper, chest hitching, gulping, puffy faced, snot dripping off my nose, loud and hearty cry. And then a wee sleep.

I second the samaritans www.samaritans.org/

And, try to get some sleep now, it's late.

Here's a wee hug. Don't tell anyone, though. I've got a reputation to keep up.
x

It's a place I'm familiar with - I've had this nasty bout of depression for a year now. A year is a long time to be feeling suicidal for.

I'm on ADs (trying #5 at the moment, with no success) and have the support crutch of oxazepam for panic attacks and those days where my emotions get unstable.

I had a serious suicide attempt in November last year that ended me up in hospital with the care I needed. I've had a couple of half hearted attempts since, but with the knowledge that what I took wasn't enough to cause lasting damage.

I know I could never do it, and if I did I would hate myself from the grave. If I didn't have DCs I doubt that I would have made it through last november though.

I'm still here. I'll keep on going. It's just tough.

How have you been.Are you in a slightly better emotional place now?