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I can't carry on anymore

41 replies

CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 01/08/2012 10:35

I am so sick and tired of my existence. I have suffered with anxiety and depression for about 5 years now, since 'it' happened. I can't leave the house without panicking, I am always looking over my shoulder, it's exhausting. Sleep is non existent, I'm lucky if I get an hour a night.
My poor dd is suffering, she deserves so much more than to live with me.
The gp won't put me on meds, only sleeping tablets which were horrendous. I had my first counselling session yesterday, bloody awful. I don't want to talk about it, I just need it to go away.
Please don't feel you need to reply, I just need to get it down.

OP posts:
Frontpaw · 01/08/2012 10:41

Have you been suffering for the past five years? Please give counselling a try. If you don't like this counsellor or type of counsellor, please give it a chance but look for alternatives.

Have you friends/family around you who can help out with DD? Sleeping pills are crap and make you groggy. Go back to your doc - its not sleep that's the (main) issue, is the depression/stress...

Your daughter deserves you, and you deserve a life without pain, stress and depression.

CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 01/08/2012 10:50

Thankyou for the reply. My family do help with dd sometimes but they don't know how I am and there is no way I can tell them.
Yes the sleeping pills certainly made me groggy, almost hungover really. I just need a break from it all.

OP posts:
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 01/08/2012 10:50

Thankyou for the reply. My family do help with dd sometimes but they don't know how I am and there is no way I can tell them.
Yes the sleeping pills certainly made me groggy, almost hungover really. I just need a break from it all.

OP posts:
SparkyTGD · 01/08/2012 10:59

I'd be going back to your GP, and make sure you are very honest with him/her. Sometimes it can be hard but they do need to hear the worst (in terms of depression & anxiety) in order for them to give you the best treatment.

If your GP isn't willing to help then I'd try to see another GP who will hopefully be more sympathetic.

CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 01/08/2012 11:39

I do want to go back to the gp, it's just getting the confidence to make the appointment really.

OP posts:
MedalsTrumpDiamonds · 01/08/2012 11:46

Do try your best to go back to the GP for some proper meds, and please don't give up on your counselling.

You mention that "it" happened which makes me think possible PTSD - my DH suffered horribly with this and counselling helped him through it.

I myself had incredibly horrible PND and anxiety disorder and like you was not sleeping for ages. Sleeping tablets did not help, just made me groggy and gave me even less energy for life. For me it was the combination of tablets and counselling (especially CBT) that made me better. "You don't want to talk about it, you just want it to go away" - IME counselling makes things "go away" but it is incredibly hard to face it all.

Five years is a long time to suffer OP and I hope you get the help you need.

CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 01/08/2012 12:09

The gp has mentioned PTSD but didn't really say much about it, just referred me for counselling. Talking about it just makes me ill, even after a nightmare or flashback I vomit.
I hope yourself and your dh are better now x

OP posts:
mentalcontinental · 01/08/2012 13:18

Hugs for you, Cuppa. Is there another GP in the practice you can see? I wish I could give you mine. She's very pragmatic about meds and says "how broken does your leg have to be before you do something about it? - same goes for depression/anxiety." The vomiting is awful, I know. Do call the practice and see if there is someone else you can see, or at least don't give your GP a minute's peace until they address why they won't consider meds. Sleeping pills, as other posters say, are not what you need.

CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 01/08/2012 16:02

Unfortunately the gp I see is the only decent female doctor in the surgery and seeing a male is not an option for me at all. I am going to give them a call tomorrow and see if I can get an appointment (a mission in itself)

OP posts:
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 01/08/2012 16:02

Unfortunately the gp I see is the only decent female doctor in the surgery and seeing a male is not an option for me at all. I am going to give them a call tomorrow and see if I can get an appointment (a mission in itself)

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NanaNina · 01/08/2012 18:51

Hi CCBB - glad you are going to the GP again. It does sound like you are suffering from post trauma syndrome as you talk of nightmares and flashbacks which are 2 of the symptoms. I have a friend who has this because of past trauma and she has just started seeing a counsellor but is very very unsure and like you came away from her first session because she could not bear to think about it, let alone talk about it.

Is this counsellor on the NHS or are you paying. Whichever, you need to ensure that she is someone who is experiened in post traumatic stress difficulties. The other thing is whether you feel comfortable with her (and it's unlikely that you will feel like this on your first appt) you have to go at your own pace, and bringing the buried trauma to see the light of day is very scarey, and it could take a long time for you to be able to talk even for a short time of what happened. Have you ever tried writing it down. My friend has done this and now she has started, she can't stop and she is including all the thoughts on the people who let her down as well as the perpetrator. She is getting to the stage where she can say more and more but it has taken a long time.

I do hope you can get the help and support you need.

CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 01/08/2012 19:24

NanaNina, the counsellor is nhs. Don't get me wrong, she was nice, I just can't talk about it at all. This is the worst time of day for me, waiting for yet another night of sickness, nightmares and eventually turning to coffee so I apologise if this doesn't make much sense.
I hope your friend is well on the way to recovery.

OP posts:
ShirtRipper · 01/08/2012 19:35

Ask your GP to refer you to someone that can perform emdr. I may have experienced something similar to you, can tell a lot from your op Sad .
Emdr did help me although cbt didn't. Cbt for someone coming to terms (or not so, as the case may be) with trauma is destined to fail. The very basis of cbt is basically stop thinking about this its silly blah blah ( been through it, psychologist was shocked actually and said that cbt wasn't suitable for people that have suffered trauma).

Proper meds, no such thing. Pharmaceuticals do a lot of harm, If you do go down the drugged route, please educate yourself with all of the risks associated with these awful drugs because they actually raise peoples risk of suicide and do irreparable term damage to peoples brains and their cognitive functioning.

Talking therapies are best for depression, I hope you feel better soon op [hugs]

MsFanackerPants · 01/08/2012 19:46

Hello CCBB, I'm glad you're going to call the doctors tomorrow for an appointment. If you feel it's hard tomorrow, maybe you could post here and we can support you to do it. I've got a doc's appointment at 9.30 to see how I'm doing so if you like I can check in here afterwards to see if you've managed to battle the appointments system.

When you do get your appointment, be really honest, don't just say about the sleeping, but that you feel so down and you need some support. I needed to be on anti-d's before I could start therapy. If your doc isn't supportive, can you change to another surgery? My GP a few years ago was rubbish, I adored my last GP and my current one.

Five years is a really long time to keep going and you've done really well to keep everything together for so long, on your own and look after your dd too. Now is the time to let other people carry some of that heavy weight you've borne alone. Counselling can take a long time to come together, but sometimes just talking about the feelings you have, even if not the source can help you to get more control over your life.

Are you family able to look after dd for a few days for you so you can have a total rest?

GoTeamkozy · 01/08/2012 20:00

Hello Cuppa, when you get an appointment, and before you see your GP, write down a list of what is ailing you mentally. Then you don't even need to speak, you can hand it over and it takes pressure off you. Good luck.

CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 01/08/2012 20:19

Thank you all again for the replies. I will try to do a list in the morning, I'm in no fit state to tonight.
My dad does have dd overnight sometimes but to be honest it doesn't make a great deal of difference to me. Even when I do have the opportunity to rest, I can't. I'm always doing something, mainly cleaning just to keep myself busy. If I sit down, even just to watch TV, the flash backs start. It's just so exhausting.

OP posts:
puds11 · 01/08/2012 20:22

Why wont they give you anti depressants? I'm so sorry you feel like this.

NanaNina · 01/08/2012 20:32

shirtripper I too have heard about the success of EMDR and I agree that CBT is not suitable for post trauma stress, but I honestly don't think you should be so condemning of ADs - ok that is your view but they have helped many many posters on these threads, and for me they were a life saver, literally as I had made a suicide plan. I had been seeing a psychological counsellor for 3 months, who like you was having no truck with the medical model and told me ADs didn't work and she would not continue to see me if I took them. I was paying £90 per week for 2 sessions per week and I was getting worse and worse and she was making interpretations that did not fit.

In the end I gave her up and went to the GP who put me on ADs but because I had waited so long my depression/anxiety had built up to a major episode and I ended up in hospital for 3 months. I am now on a high dose of ADs and will stay on them for the rest of my life, as I could not risk getting to that stage again.

I think most posters are sensible and say what worked for them but make no sweeping claims about the medical model or the psychological model, in the way that you have done.

Ok they may not be appropriate for the OP but the GP needs to make a decision about that as sometimes depression/anxiety accompanies PSTD, and hence ADs could work, although of course there is no guarantee.

Hope this is not confusing you CCBB - hope you will feel able to get to the GP appt tomorrow. Maybe you could ask if the counsellor you are seeing is experienced at treating people with post tramau stress, or better still ask the counsellor what type of counsellor she is, as there are several different types e.g. psycho-dynamic (this was like the one I saw but doesn't mean they are all like her) person centred, cognitive analytic therapy etc.

You hope my friend is well on the way to recovery, well I can't be dishonest, she is still struggling to talk about what happened and unfortunately when she saw the therapist last time, it didn't go well and she was very angry. I think the counsellor was less than sensitive and this made my friend upset and angry. She is on something of a tightrope at the minute and had a wobble last week and I think she is finely balanced and I worry that she could fall off and lose the ground that she has made.

Sorry to be pedantic but I'm not sure any of us with MH problems "recover" especially if the roots of our problem lie in childhood or happened some years ago (as in your case) I think the thing is that by "unearthing" the trauma it starts to lose some of its power over you, and the aim is not really to "forget that it ever happened" as that is not realistic for any of us, but we can over time and with help make it something that is more manageable and does not "floor us" in a horrendous way.

Keep posting....there's lots of support on here.

CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 01/08/2012 20:33

The gp has always just said that they aren't what I need and the counselling will be best. Of course I've waited 5 damn months for the first appointment (paying private was unfortunately not an option)

OP posts:
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 01/08/2012 20:43

NanaNina, I am truly sorry if I caused any offence. I am now well and truly confused about AD's. Everything that's happening or "wrong" with me started when 'it' ended. So the anxiety, the panic is all related to that but in all honesty now I feel like I don't want to be here. If I didn't have my dd, I would have ended it years ago, without a shadow of a doubt. Even just typing that makes me feel so guilty, there are a lot of people a damn sight worse off than me but I just can not exist like this for much longer.

OP posts:
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 01/08/2012 20:43

NanaNina, I am truly sorry if I caused any offence. I am now well and truly confused about AD's. Everything that's happening or "wrong" with me started when 'it' ended. So the anxiety, the panic is all related to that but in all honesty now I feel like I don't want to be here. If I didn't have my dd, I would have ended it years ago, without a shadow of a doubt. Even just typing that makes me feel so guilty, there are a lot of people a damn sight worse off than me but I just can not exist like this for much longer.

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NanaNina · 01/08/2012 21:31

Oh CCBB you haven't caused me any offence at all. It was another poster shirtripper that I was criticising for being so definite about ADs not working and saying some quite iresponsible things about drugs for mental illness. OK she has a right to her view, but she should NOT be so definite as she has been.

I was worried that my post might confuse you.

Some of the feelings you are having like "not wanting to be here" sound very much like depression, as many of us feel like that. It's not that we want to die, we just want the pain to end.

I think the best thing is to talk to your GP about everything that is happening. It is sometimes a good idea to write a list of all your symptoms, making sure you don't leave anything out, and be guided by him/her.

The counsellor should be able to understand how difficult it is for you to talk about it - my friend could only manage one sentence for the first few visits, so stick with it and maybe the combination of meds and counselling will ease things for you.

CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 02/08/2012 10:46

Well I eventually managed to phone the gp for an appointment and suprise suprise there's none for a fortnight.
Back to the coffee and red bull Sad

OP posts:
CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss · 02/08/2012 10:46

Well I eventually managed to phone the gp for an appointment and suprise suprise there's none for a fortnight.
Back to the coffee and red bull Sad

OP posts:
whatthewhatthebleep · 02/08/2012 11:14

I hope you are not drinking too much redbull....it's going to exacerbate things loads....
Please avoid doing this.
My friend was doing this (2/3cans a day) and it made her shakey, disorientated and totally unable to sleep...she had to stop drinking these type of drinks...

I realise the catch22...you want/need to get through the day with your DD and get stuff done, etc but with already having sleep issue's...this is creating a much bigger issue...you will be jangling and totally on edge with these...

Please try to stop using them xx