I'm pouring my heart out here. I feel like there is no-one else in the world that feels like I do.
When I was 19 and pregnant with my son (he's now 11) I was going to Edinburgh on the bus which is about an hour and a half away from where I live. I was fine for about half an hour then all of a sudden I felt really ill. I fainted and when I opened my eyes again I realised I had been s* all over myself and had pee'd myself. I have never felt so ashamed of myself as I did that day.
Now for the past 12 years I haven't been able to travel far and I certainly can't get on a bus, plane, train etc as I am terrified of needing the toilet and there not being one near by.
I am going on holiday next Sunday to Blackpool which is a 3 and a half hour journey from where I am with my husband and 2 children and I have hardly slept for weeks just thinking about it. At the age of 31 I feel like my life is ruined. The more nervous I get the more I get diarrhoea which in turn makes the fear of being away from a toilet a billion times worse.
I also suffer from emetophobia (I think that's how you spell it) fear of being s* - I can't even bring myself to type the word.
I am going to GP this morning to see if she can give me anything to take the edge off the anxiety but then I get worried about taking the medication in case it gives me an upset tummy which makes the toilet phobia worse.
If I wasn't living it I would find it laughable. Even just reading what I've written back I'm thinking 'for fucks sake just get a fucking grip'
If you have got this far thanks for reading. I'm not sure what I'm hoping for just someone to talk to I guess.
Thank you.