Toilet phobia

[BitOfACyclePath]

I'm pouring my heart out here. I feel like there is no-one else in the world that feels like I do.

When I was 19 and pregnant with my son (he's now 11) I was going to Edinburgh on the bus which is about an hour and a half away from where I live. I was fine for about half an hour then all of a sudden I felt really ill. I fainted and when I opened my eyes again I realised I had been s* all over myself and had pee'd myself. I have never felt so ashamed of myself as I did that day.

Now for the past 12 years I haven't been able to travel far and I certainly can't get on a bus, plane, train etc as I am terrified of needing the toilet and there not being one near by.

I am going on holiday next Sunday to Blackpool which is a 3 and a half hour journey from where I am with my husband and 2 children and I have hardly slept for weeks just thinking about it. At the age of 31 I feel like my life is ruined. The more nervous I get the more I get diarrhoea which in turn makes the fear of being away from a toilet a billion times worse.

I also suffer from emetophobia (I think that's how you spell it) fear of being s* - I can't even bring myself to type the word.

I am going to GP this morning to see if she can give me anything to take the edge off the anxiety but then I get worried about taking the medication in case it gives me an upset tummy which makes the toilet phobia worse.

If I wasn't living it I would find it laughable. Even just reading what I've written back I'm thinking 'for fucks sake just get a fucking grip'

If you have got this far thanks for reading. I'm not sure what I'm hoping for just someone to talk to I guess.

Thank you.

My children are 11 and 7 and well used to Mum's strange loo habits (stopping at every loo we pass!) So will just be normal for them

DH has already said we will stop at every single service station and said he will pull over whenever needed. Don't know what I would do without him.

Setting off around 1.30. It takes roughly 3 hours without stops so we are reckoning on making it in 4 - 4 and a half hours.

If DH can persuade me I may be driving for the first hour and a half or so as it helps me concentrate on something other than my fecked up bowels. I would really appreciate you talking to me through it if I need it. Thank you

Well, let your wonderful H persuade you to drive the first stretch then. :) If you mean 1.30 tomorrow afternoon, then yes, I'll talk to you.

In the meantime, go and look for distraction techniques.

Been up since 5.15 I'm knackered! Taking my mind off of things just now by reading my kindle and listening to Steps on my mp3 player. There is actually a good reason for my dodgy taste in music. I strongly associate memories to music so in my case the 90's was before I got ill so I listen to music from that era to take me back to that care free time

BoaCP your situation sounds really horrible, really. Have you thought about having counselling? Your initial experience was horrible but may have been related to your pregnancy = unlikely to happen again. I can totally understand your anxiety / horror at the situation - can you distance yourself from what happened?

Good luck- thinking of you and hoping you make the journey ok

I have had some counselling Flora but it was a long time ago and I wasn't prepared for how emotional and draining I would find it so stopped going. I have been referred for CBT now and I'm determined to stick it out. I can't go through life like this any more.

Thanks Katy I'll be posting again before you all know it to say 'got here fine - what was all the fuss about'

Been busy packing and keeping an over excited 7 year old calm lol. I appreciate you all being here for me so so much thank you all x

Good oh OP. We'll look forward to a self congratulating message later.

I am not mad. I am not about to die. If I poo or pee myself it is not the end of the world. The people who love and support me will still love and support me

Ok, ok deep breaths. I am typing this while pacing the kitchen. I can get through this. I am stronger than I think. I done 8 hours in the car last year and 9 and a half home so I know I can do this. Hearts beating so so fast. Breathing is getting too fast so I'm getting a bit dizzy. Trying to slow it down. Big deep calming breaths. I can do this.

I'm a passenger just now. Having a proper wibble. Thanks for being here. My name is Tracy by the way x

Tracy you are doing great.
I had CBT for exactly this problem and I went from not leaving my house for 7 weeks (last year) to going on a girls' holiday to Ibiza (June this year).
You can get through this, you will get through this and CBT is extremely effective in helping you to live a calmer less anxious life.
You can PM me any time you like and I'm a regular MN'er so will see your posts.
Right now I am waving my Pom poms for you

We've booked a hotel for tonight. When we get there I need to phone the wheelchair hire place to have a wheelchair delivered for my daughter. Have left her one at home to save space in the car. So once that's delivered we'll get out for a wee wander hopefully! Then tomorrow we book in to where we are staying for the rest of the week.

Its a specially built apartment block for children with disabilities and their families so hopefully the wee one makes some friends and so do we

Great stuff Tracy. When do you reckon you'll get there?

Chances that's just what I needed to hear!! Well done you! I am laughing at the pom poms

143 miles to go and 2 hours 48 on sat nav so I'm reckoning with stops about 5.30ish

Not too long then. At least you have stops planned in.

Just came on to see how you were doing. I'll keep checking to see that you arrived ok. Have a great holiday.

17 miles to next loo. Roughly 81 miles to go.

What did you buy in ASDA for your holidays?