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Mental health

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Original poster

my son is 22 today

75 replies

igotaway · 16/07/2012 19:26

and he hasn't left his room all day. His cards are here and gifts and a lovely cake made by my friend and he hasn't left his room. i am crying for him as he feels no point to life at all. He is OCD he has chronic insomnia, he will not seek help. I am beside myself with worry. He is so sad, so lonely, so bloody intelligent, but he see's no point to life. What am i do do to help him? It is his bithday today. what am i to do

OP posts:

UnChartered · 16/07/2012 19:28

does he have any professional support at all? in the past even?

your post reads so sad too

Original poster

igotaway · 16/07/2012 19:52

no nothing at all, he will not seek help because he thinks he can 'do it by himself'. he self medicates from the internet. i am standing at the bottom of the stairs hoping to hear him stirring but nothing. i respect his privacy at all times. yesterday he was so sick and i heard him crying in the bathroom, i went to help him and he said it was ok, he was allright.. he is so not allright. because i don't invade his space i gently sat on his bed which he allowed me to do and had a chat.. all he said was don't worry about me i am ok.. he is so not ok. but will not allow me to help him. we are so close about most things, he is so clever, his reasoning is bright, his opinions are spot on, he should be a polatician,,,, but his personal issues he says he can deal with, but he cannot. he never goes out -he has no friends, he has no job. nothing to look forward too. life for him is just a means to an end. i know he will kill himself, it is just a matter of when.

OP posts:

UnChartered · 16/07/2012 19:54

is he eating at all?

do you prepare meals for him or does he eat in his room?

sorry for asking so many hard questions, but trying to get a picture of what he's like

Original poster

igotaway · 16/07/2012 20:04

i stand outside looking at his blackout windows, wondering if he is asleep the fan is going (white noise to block out his thoughts) his favourite meal is waiting, but i am too afraid to wake him up. or is he awake? i do not know. i am afraid to say hey 'happy birthday' to him.

OP posts:

UnChartered · 16/07/2012 20:05

how long has he been like this? has he ever had a job/friends?

balia · 16/07/2012 20:08

What are you afraid of?

Original poster

igotaway · 16/07/2012 20:10

Unchartered, thank you for being here.
when i go to bed, he gets up. the night time is his time. He does not do daylight. I leave plenty of food for him to cook at night easily. he is not purposly avoiding me. We get along fine when we see each other, we have delightful conversations, although he 'paces' when we do so... He sleeps in the day and gets up at night . we have discussed his time clock and have tried to alter it. but day light to him is for 'the mass majority' and is not for him.. the darkness is a comfort for him he says.

OP posts:

UnChartered · 16/07/2012 20:12

you sound really frightened, but calm, OP

that's a good thing IMO

does he have many interests that he will talk about?

Original poster

igotaway · 16/07/2012 20:17

balia - i am afraid he will commit suicide without any fuss, quietly and on his own

unchartered - he had a job, and he got the sack for overtaking his peers, he showed people how to do a job in a quarter of the time, he was not showing off, it was obvious to him... he was 18 they were 45... he had lots of friends, his main friend accused him of being with his girlfriend because my son had too 'intelligent conversations with her.'

OP posts:

UnChartered · 16/07/2012 20:23

has he talked about taking his own life then?

have you actually said to him today that you'd like him to come down and have 'a birthday'?

ImperialBlether · 16/07/2012 20:26

What time will he normally get up, igotaway?

It must be a terrible worry for you. Have you seen a doctor on his behalf?

It must be difficult for you financially, too. Do you manage to work or do you have to be there for him all the time?

Original poster

igotaway · 16/07/2012 20:26

Uchartered - i am frightened, i am calm, i have lived with this for months, every time i go to bed, i think will he be here tomorrow.?
I will not invade him, i respect how he feels, he is not happy, we can not change it. i cannot conjure up things for him to do , people to see,
he listens to the dreaded emimen rap, the souless destroying rap, he acknowledges that his life is not their life, but he seems to empathise with them

OP posts:

ohchristFENTON · 16/07/2012 20:28

You poor love, how heartbreaking - I don't know what to say - just keep talking it through, there will be some way to help.

NellyBluth · 16/07/2012 20:30

OP, you sound like such a loving mum. I agree with imperial, have you talked to a GP or even someone like the Samaritans to see what help or support might be available? If you are frightened that your son might do something extreme to himself, then I would say that suggests you/he do need support.

Jellykat · 16/07/2012 20:32

He HAS to shift his body clock around somehow.. I know that having the computer/ xbox/ telly on constantly at night really affects my DS1 (23) he finishes work (part time, but its all he can get) at 2 a.m and cannot sleep until 4/5/6 a.m, when this happens he gets really really down- everything is black and there's no point, just like your DS..

Your DS sounds just like mine, he has a 1st class degree and a quick dry soh, but has ended up as a p/t waiter, there's nothing else about.. he can out talk anyone, and has lot's of girl 'friends' (just friends) that causes problems... in fact the chef at work will not communicate with him in any way at work atm, because he gets on well conversationally with the chefs gf who works there too.

I'm just trying to say i know how hard it is, it's bloody hard work trying to keep them going.. But you can't give up.

What is he 'self medicating' with, does he smoke dope?

Original poster

igotaway · 16/07/2012 20:35

Uncharted - he has said he has suicide on his mind and he is not afraid. I will not go into his room and say 'have a birthday' it is just a day closer to death for him.
Imperial- i did go to the doctor and they said that they could do a home visit, but the outcome would be
HIM 'no i am absolutley fine - no worries at all ' big smile to them
fortunatley i do not have to worry about work, but i do spend a lot of time at home....just waiting.. he will get up at 10.30 on a normal night.

OP posts:

timetoask · 16/07/2012 20:36

"i will not invade him, I respect how he feels"

You are a very caring mum, but I think he needs help, if he is so depressed, he needs someone to help him, to push him. If you leave him to it on his own, he will not come out of this hole.

Original poster

igotaway · 16/07/2012 20:41

jellycat - just sleeping tabs
nelly - he will deny anything that is wrong - he knows he has a problem but he is 'fine' to everyone else. only i see it as well as his younger brother. His father says 'whats wrong with """""' we all say nothing, just a bit sleepy today. he wants no-one to know nothing.

OP posts:

NellyBluth · 16/07/2012 20:47

I'm sure he will say he is fine. I lived with someone in the middle of a bipolar high (not saying your son has bipolar) who was adamant he was absolutely fine. I was just thinking that a GP or charity/helpline could advise on how you can try to get him help when he is denying anything is wrong? I am certainly no professional but it does sound as though he is reaching the point where he needs some help.

ImperialBlether · 16/07/2012 20:49

I think you should ask the doctor to call. You should prime him/her as to what your son will say. They shouldn't accept a smile and "I'm okay."

fairyfriend · 16/07/2012 20:50

I think you are too calm tbh. You sound paralysed with fear- which is completely unerstandable- but you have to help him.
Helping people doesn't always mean respecting their wishes, you know. Surely you have laid down rules he resisted over the years? When we tell a 2 year old 'no more sweets' it is because we care about their health.
Now your son's health is suffering in a different way, and you need to give him a push.
He MUST seek professional help. If he will not, you must do it on his behalf.
Is he looking for a job? Some structure to his day might help with the insomnia.
He needs to feel like he is a valued member of society- you can help him with this.
Please don't just sit waiting for him to end it all. It seems to me that you're reinforcing his view that life isn't worth living.

UnChartered · 16/07/2012 20:53

i agree, you sound petrified, OP

very loving and caring, but very very frightened

i take it you are buying his clothes/paying for his internet/food etc?

Gilberte · 16/07/2012 20:55

www.mind.org.uk/

Please phone them- they are tremendously helpful- I feel for you I really do. You sound like an amazing person but you need some professional support yourself.

marriedinwhite · 16/07/2012 21:02

I am sorry to hear this OP. At the least you do need to call your GP out. You will then know in your heart that you led your son to water so to speak. Are you afraid that your son may be violent if you take pro-active steps to encourage him to seek help. If that did happen, you would then be justified in dialling 999 and requesting a psychiatric ambulance. The psychiatric paramedics would carry out a full assessment and if they felt he was a danger to himself or to you they would be able to take the necessary action to ensure he receives help.

Please get some help OP.

thenightsky · 16/07/2012 21:13

Oh God ig. My son is 21 next month. He got exactly like this and had to come home from uni. It was terrifying when he was miles away, not anwering his phone and not coming to the door if we got flatmates to knock. I convinced myself he was lying dead. His flatmates said they never saw him. I found out he was waiting till they went to bed before going to the kitchen to eat.... that could be 2am some days.

However, we are seeing some light now we've got him home. He is seeing a counsellor twice weekly. I wake him in the mornings and force him to engage in family things, coming to the supermarket, out for meals, cinema, etc. He was rock bottom last December and now were are getting there I feel. To give him purpose we arranged for him to learn to drive before uni starts again - he does his text Wed and is healthily nervous (he was totally emotionless before).

He still spends too much time in his room, in the dark, but at least he is reading.

I didn't mean to hijack your thread ig, just wanted to let you know it is possible to get over this and I do know EXACTLY how you feel. It's heartbreaking to see your son like this. I still worry about mine coping in the big world one day. I don't see how he will. It's almost always seems to be the clever, intelligent, deep thinking ones.

Good luck ig

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