my son is 22 today

[igotaway]

and he hasn't left his room all day. His cards are here and gifts and a lovely cake made by my friend and he hasn't left his room. i am crying for him as he feels no point to life at all. He is OCD he has chronic insomnia, he will not seek help. I am beside myself with worry. He is so sad, so lonely, so bloody intelligent, but he see's no point to life. What am i do do to help him? It is his bithday today. what am i to do

there is NO violence at all. he is calm and very very controlled. every word he speaks has a meaning, he does not waste words.
Un.. i pay for everything here. we are very lucky in that respect. and yes i wake up every morning and go to bed every night, listening......
he has worked since 16 years old til he was 21. he got the sack from his job for saving his company 500k . he could see something obvious that the workmates didn't. Cut him to pieces that did.

thank you night -a purpose i have to find

you really need to think about getting him some help to get out and about and show the rest of the world what a fabulous young man he can be

he's 22, living nocturnally is not how humans are meant to exist, we need daylight and to a certain extent, human interaction

and you deserve to go to bed without having to listen out for him {{hugs}}

I feel for you I really do. Last week it was my brothers 21st birthday & he stayed in his room all day, like your DS.

It's awful, my brother says nothing but dunno, to every question!

I recognise the not wasting words... mine only said what was needed, no more no less. Unfortunately my DH was not very understanding and kept saying he needed a kick up the arse

Its the lack of friends that doesn't help either I find. He doesn't relate at all to people his own age, doesn't drink or smoke and has no interest in going out for the sake of it. Do you find that too ig?

And presumably after that he gave up ig.. thing is it takes years to realize that some people like his old employers are stupid to say the least, 22 year olds are still like boys - they're still learning.. I'm trying to teach my DS1 that unless you're lucky, it's usually about taking one step forward and getting knocked one step back, but you don't give up, you can't give up..

I echo what others have said, your DS talks to you, although he'd pretend to others, and that means you're the connection between his black tunnel and a life which is happy. You need to get some advice and support in the best way to get him out of it.

Unchartered thank you again and everyone else for being here. His human interaction dissapointed him 'why did they sack me? i helped them'
He is a fabulous young man, he is good looking (i AM his mum) he is smart, clean, and bright. And so depressed. he is still not up yet, today, on his birthday.
I am crying Goodnight, thank you

Sounds like he really needs some help, professionals will be used to people who are in denial about their illness, but what you have posted makes me concerned for his safety. Can you phone tomorrow and start to get him some help, that might mean against his will/inpatient treatment, but if he is suicidal he needs help and soon.

I think you are frightened of your son, but you really do need to take control of the situation and get some help. Can you go to the Doctor and explain in detail about your son and then get him to call.

You sound like you need some help and support coping with the situation - is your son's father around?

Oh ig I can feel your pain and love and concern for your son radiating from the screen...

How would it be, what would happen if you just took a little piece of cake with a candle up to his room, knocked gently, and just said something simple, "I'm your mum, I love you, I wanted you to have at least a bit of a birthday. I know I can't take your pain away but please let me try to help."

I am being daft. I bet you have done this a thousand times. Or you know your son a million times better than anyone and you know what might work...

i hope he can get up and have at least a slice of cake with you, OP

keep posting and talking to him

Please go knock on his door.

You are passively enabling him, sorry.

You cannot sit by and do nothing, while he wastes his life in his room, why are you leaving food out for him at night? He would come out if he was hungry. Is he signing on, are you fully funding him.

I have walked in your shoes, I understand the paralysing fear of not knowing if your child will be dead or alive in the morning and of doing anything that could possibly make it worse, but he needs help and its up to you to get it.

Understanding why he behaves as he does, does not make his behaviour acceptable.

I ended up going down a "I cant make you do x, y or z, but while you live here, this is what I will/wont do" avenue. And that included if wanting to be fed, that eating with rest of family was a minimum.

It worked, eventually and with outside intervention.

Please, please, knock on his door and give him some cake. Right now, while you are doing nothing, he thinks you don't care. You do know that, don't you?
Bollocks to not crowding him. Bollocks to his privacy. You need to state, loud and proud, that you are his mother and you are not going to let him waste his life like this.
I know mental illness cannot be fixed through 'tough love' alone, and he needs professional help. But please make a start.
I don't mean to be harsh, my heart goes out to you, but I must say this one more time: right now he thinks you don't care.
Do something. Please.

Yes... it sounds harsh, but all the people saying to intervene are right I reckon. My DS wouldn't have started getting better if I hadn't made him start joining in. It is very easy to do nothing and hope it will all pass, but in reality it is torture for you having the constant worry. Please go drag him out for some cake.

I remember saying to DS... 'look i know you don't want to interact with us, but please just bloody do it, once a day for ME' (I made a start by insisting that evening meal was eaten as a family).

This was me at 20. Please PM me, I can tell you what got me through those dark days, even though my most frequent thoughts were of ending it all.

I'm here now at 23 and the happiest I've ever been and it was all down to my mum being there for me - not doing anything in particular, just being there and loving me.

If you were worried your child had a serious heart problem and might die and he was ignoring it despite showing all symptoms then you would get him medical help to save his life - replace the words heart problem for depression with suicidal thoughts.

ok, here i am again. last night after i signed off from MN, he came down, we had a nice meal together, he opened his cards, ate his cake. But he was very low. We chatted for a while, but he wasn't in a good place. By this time it was 11.30. He knew i was upset, i didn't have to say anything. He also knew it was past my bed time so he said 'go to bed mum, i'm fine'. i went upstairs, he came upstairs into my room and i said 'please tell me how to help you, you need a doctor, we need help *. 'no, really, i'm fine, i can deal with it'.. He said goodnight, i cried.

Agree with hiho you need to get him help.

If he's talking about suicide, is it possibly to have him sectioned even though he's over 18? Maybe then it will break the cycle and he can talk to professionals. It doesn't sound like it can go on like this much longer.

Good luck op

you sound like a lovely mum.

If HE wants to do something about his sleep or mood, then he has an opportunity to change.

www.sleepio.com/ is useful for sleep problems - it's free for 7 days and can offer useful advice.

If he wants to engage with others (sounds like probably not in person), in a meet-them-halfway method, then a good online advice and therapy service (I have no vested interest), is www.bigwhitewall.com/ It is a combination of Facebook and a mental health service and is highly credible, I think there is a small monthly fee.

Research shows that (especially younger) people often engage with an online service more readily and in a less inhibited way than face to face.

However, it is possible that YOU may be able to do nothing, but if HE wants to do something, people will be there to help. He is clearly upset, depressed and potentially quite avoidant and anxious too, and sleep problems affect everyone badly.

The GP is a good call - they are the best service for crises, or as a method to engage with local services.

His ferocious intellect will be his strength as well as his existential achilles heel, but he is low - maybe it's a sign that he knows that things cannot carry on as they are, he needs more stimulation and interest than he is currently feeding himself with.

Good luck - thinking of you

it sounds like you are really suffering from his depression/illness/whatever - read about depression fallout.

go to GP yourself - tell the GP what is going on. this is making you so stressed. talk to MIND or other local org like RETHINK www.rethink.org/ call them now
0300 5000 927
Our advice team provide mental health information & advice on practical problems -

and as others said, think about how you can stop enabling him to continue this way where the only way out appears to be suicide and getting soem help for him whether he resists it or not...

back again. at last he has found some peace today, he is fast asleep of which i am pleased. He didn't sleep at all thru the night, so when i got up this morning, he was up. we discussed going to the GP again, but no, he'll be fine.

So he has been up all day, the blackout curtains are open, the window is open, he has tidied his room, he has opened his cards. He has either read this or thought 'this is the first day of the rest of my life'.or he heard me in tears whatever, i am thankful just for him to see daylight and not be coccooned in his room.. But i know he is having the sleep he has been craving, so i will leave him there. Of course he will wake up at 3.00 and the whole thing will start again.
Thank you for your support and i have looked at the various links, bigwhitewall looks good ONLINE, thank you for that and all the others

A tiny breakthrough by the sound of it

Can you cook a late-ish dinner (say 9pm) and wake him up to partake of it?

Would he go out for a walk with you? It might do him good to get some fresh air.

So glad you are making progress. I'm no expert but I've heard that walking in the early evening is a good way to reset your circadian rhythms.
It sounds like a lot of his problem is linked to sleep. I think lack of sleep can have a huge effect on mental health. I know for me personally, lack of sleep increases my anxiety levels. I also know that one oof the things that we tell new mothers is 'don't under estimate the effect of the sleep deprivation'.
I'm only talking anecdotally, of course, I'm no expert. But it sounds to me like your son needs to sort out his sleep issues before he'll find the strength to tackle the rest.