Hi Daysie you sound like me.
I know rationally that this addiction, ( because let's face it that's what it is), is damaging me in terms of health, lifestyle, self-esteem, the whole lot, but the immediate desire to eat so often beats any theoretical future happiness.
It's been said many times that over-eating is a form of depression- a way to cope with the present because we are not invested in our own future. I think this is true. If you are struggling to cope with the day to day demands of children, work, relationships etc it is often a coping stategy just to get you through the day. Eating is dressed up as a reward for yourself when no-one else is likely to reward you, or a way of obliterating bad feelings but without the hangover and being unable to fulfill your role as a carer. Like Caitlin Moran says food is the drug of choice for mothers and carers.
I know you probably know all this and like me you've probably tried many times to address it, but the one thing that has helped me even though I resisted and resisted is exercise. I used to laugh when people talked about the benefits - I felt my addiction was too deep for something so simple to have an effect.
Well I was wrong - and all I'm doing is walking and going on an exercise bike about four times a week for enough time to get me out of breath and feel like I've done something. Nothing major.
It's got to be the endorphins because in and of itself it doesn't really shift a lot of weight. The only thing that does that is less food. What I found though is that I've started to view my body differently and the separation I felt between me intellectually and physically is changing.
I've started to see my body as worth treating with respect not as a rubbish bin.
I've got along way to go but it just seems to help me to stop for a minute before a binge, which is all you need sometimes to get a grip. It hasn't stopped me every time but I would say over half and the more times you are successful the stonger you become. I've lost a couple of stones in the last six months and that's not down to dieting- it's from just not binging.
This may not have helped at all and your life may be incredibly complicated and the chance to exercise very limited, but if you can give it a go it may really help. I just think if food is an addiction dieting doesn't really help, as it focuses your mind on food, it's the cycle of binging that needs to be broken first and for that you have to feel differently about your body and it's worth. Exercise changed my mood and allowed me to look objectively at what I was doing to myself and see my body as 'me' and not some separate thing.
Sorry for the essay but it's an issue I have struggled with for a long time and I still have a long way to go but I wish I'd tackled it in this way before.
Good luck