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Mental health

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Original poster

I want to die

52 replies

Becky36 · 07/05/2012 23:34

I don't even know how to do this. I have a son who is amazing. I don't want to hurt him. My life is so shit. I can't cope with anything. My brother died last week, I struggle financially. Both of my last relationships have been abusive. I have no family here and I can't do this any more. I don't know what to do any more. I think that my brother has, at least, got some peace. My friends think that I am strong but I'm not. I hate my life and I just want it to be over.

OP posts:

Original poster

Becky36 · 08/05/2012 00:09

I was signed off work for three weeks last year and my GP said that I wasn't clinically depressed (whatever that means).

My brother's funeral has been delayed by a second post mortem. He was found dead in his flat. The funeral isn't for another two weeks. I have had three days off work already. I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone.

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mrsruffallo · 08/05/2012 00:11

Becky-When you go to the GP tomorrow, please be frank, as anothger poster said you need to be completely honest so that they can help yopu. It's a temporary measure bout you need some support right now.
Things can change and get better, there is always hope and for you it's the life you are going to build around you and your son.

tazzle · 08/05/2012 00:12

I am glad you have those close frineds that were supportive regarding your brother..... if they realise, if you tell them, they will proabaly be even more supportive. and listen to you. But they cant help if you dont tell them.

If you can't face telling them in person ( I know how hard it was for me to share when I felt that bad ) maybe you could print this thread out and let one or both read it.

Merivel · 08/05/2012 00:12

So sorry for your bereavements and empathy on watching relatives with alcohol dependency - there is nothing like it .

I really hope you can get to talk through the pain you have been feeling for so long , and find ways to get support , especially as you feel as if you will never have someone close to share emotions with... would suggest going to GP & asking for bereavement counselling or more general counselling plus contacting a bereavement support group if one near you (and if not , they may be able to advise on sources of support )

Don't let the GP brush you off - can one of your friends go to the appt with you ?

thisisyesterday · 08/05/2012 00:12

then see a different GP.

like I said further down, i've been where you are now. in fact, i've been further on, nd it is NOT nice, especially not for the people left behind to pick up the pieces.
the help you need is out there, you just need to access it.

I know that this might sound harsh, but there isn't really very much anyone on here can do.

if you want things to change then they can, but you are the only one who can do it.

people here are more than happy to listen to you, and give moral support, and be a kind of cyber-shoulder to cry on... but we can't actually make anything better for you in real life.

can you think of your son and what woul dhappen to him if you died? it wouldn't be nice for him at all would it?
maybe you can use that thought to spur yourself on to get the help you need

MushroomGeorge · 08/05/2012 00:13

Becky,you have to go and see your gp - see a different one if you can.
I am so sorry to hear about the dealth of your brother.

Original poster

Becky36 · 08/05/2012 00:13

I love my son more than anything. If it wasn't for him I would have gone a long time ago. Everything just seems so bad at the moment. The problem is that I am very, very good at pretending that everything is ok and that I am coping. I just can't seem to open up to anyone about how I really feel.

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mrsruffallo · 08/05/2012 00:14

Becky- you need to talk to the doctor so that he can sign you off for a longer period. Then you won't lose your job when you just can't face going in. I know it's hard but you need to do it in the morning and then you can go back home and be on your own again and not worry about workuntil you are better.

MushroomGeorge · 08/05/2012 00:17

Pretending is easy to do but perhaps you ahve reached the point where you need to ask for and accept help.
Write how you really are feeling down and give it to the doc if the thought of talking is unbearable.
You need to do this tomorrow, for you and your precious boy.

thisisyesterday · 08/05/2012 00:17

Becky, i was the same.

i went to see my GP and then chickened out and said it was all ok I have no idea why.

it took someone forcing me to face up to it to change things, and even then it took a long time. But I am ever so glad they did it (i really wasn't at the time)

how about this for a plan:
call GP, ask for an emergency appt.
write down everything and put in envelope.
call friend and ask if s/he will come with you to GP (say you'll explain later)
ask her to hand letter to GP (i know if it was me i just wouldn't do it)

you will feel better once it's out in the open and once you have a plan to deal with it. i promise you

tazzle · 08/05/2012 00:17

Becky ... if you say to any gp all that you said here then I suspect the diagnosis will be different this time.

Merivel · 08/05/2012 00:18

Really sorry I missed that you had been signed off by GP last year & don't want to interact with anyone .- not surprised given the shock you have had

I do think you need to see GP - can a friend do the talking for you , or you write it down to give doctor?
Sounds also as though might be helpful to say you feel confused as to the "not clinically depressed " comment - not a formal diagnosis presumably?

Original poster

Becky36 · 08/05/2012 00:19

You are all right and I know that. It's weird but when I talk to my friends or even to a doctor I kind of paint over what I really feel, as if they will think that I am weak or something. I have to pretend that I am coping with things, even if I'm not. My dad died of drink related illnesses (kidney failure and gangrene), now my older brother (alcoholism) and my little brother is now drinking himself stupid over his brothers death.

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tazzle · 08/05/2012 00:23

excellent plan thisisyesterday

and agree that once that first step has been taken it is easier to take the others.

I remember trying to tell my DH and wrote a letter to him rather than me backing out or clamping up or not be able to say anything for fear of totally breaking down and not getting it all said,

How does that plan sound becky ?

thisisyesterday · 08/05/2012 00:24

if I knew you i would march you down the doctors myself

seriously though, i do know how you feel.
I sat in session after session with a bloody psychiatrist, either not talking at all, or telling him a bunch of lies about how everything was really actually just fine

you can do it though. do it for your son

Merivel · 08/05/2012 00:25

You sound so clear-thinking ... no wisdom on the trying to appear to be coping , but best wishes for getting a counsellor to help you explore that & learn to give yourself what you need < annoying but useful phrase >

Original poster

Becky36 · 08/05/2012 00:27

My mum said that I kind of shut down when my dad died and I agree with her. I just can't seem to express emotion at all, so when I go to the doctors or talk to friends they seem to think that I am ok (ish). I can sob my heart out when I am on my own but when I am with other people I just close down and I don't know how to stop it.

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Original poster

Becky36 · 08/05/2012 00:30

Anyway I have got to get up for work in the morning so thank you for all of your help x

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tazzle · 08/05/2012 00:35

sleep well becky .........but I hope you go to the GP not work ... But if work will keep you safe till you see the GP then go for it x

night , sleep well

MushroomGeorge · 08/05/2012 00:50

Sleep tight, but call the gp and get an appt asap!

MrsMuddyPuddles · 08/05/2012 06:35

Becky, how are you this morning?
Can you print this thread, maybe even from work, and just hand it to the gp when you see her/him?

mrsruffallo · 08/05/2012 10:21

Good idea, Muddypuddles. Please take this suggestion seriuosly Becky, and I hope that you have made an appt.

Original poster

Becky36 · 08/05/2012 22:26

Thank you for all of your messages. Went to see my GP today and he has given me some tablets. Amitriptyline which is apparently for depression. Only 10mg but he doesn't want to make me feel drowsy during the day.

This morning I did feel better in myself. However just as I was putting my son to bed tonight my brother's ex girlfriend turned up at my house and said that he had rang her today and said he had overdosed on his tablets, which are supposed to help with alcohol withdrawal (he is still drinking while taking these tablets btw). She rang an ambulance and he refused to go to hospital. She went over to his house this evening (this is 20 miles from the town where she and I both live) and he was at the bloody pub!

I honestly think that for my own sanity I need to stay away from him and his problems. He rang his ex's mobile while I was there and she gave the phone to me and I told him not to come to our brother's funeral if he is still in that state next Friday.

He seems to be intent on killing himself too and I can't watch him do it to himself. Now I have got to decide whether to ring my mum in Spain to tell her what he is doing.

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tazzle · 08/05/2012 22:45

I am glad you have been to the doctor and are getting treatment..... that first step taken (((hug))) .... did you get advised to go back and see gp again ?

Sadly I think you are making the right choice re your brother ..........he had to really want to change and to actually cooperate with the advice / medication he has been given. You need to take care of yourself so that you can be there for your son .... your brother is an adult.

Original poster

Becky36 · 08/05/2012 22:52

Well I had loads of good advice on here about going back to the doctor so I made an emergency appointment for today. I knew that I was feeling worse and worse and needed to do something about it. The funny thing was that this morning I felt better than I have for a long time. Not sure whether it was posting on here and getting some objective advice from people who don't know me or just letting stuff out. Either way it doesn't matter.

I know that there is no quick fix to this but I need to be able to function for my son's sake so I knew I needed to do something to try and feel better.

My little brother will just have to fend for himself at the moment. I'm not strong enough to deal with it and I can't help him in any way that is going to change what he his doing to himself. He has been doing this since he was 15, nearly 20 years. I don't think that there can be a good outcome to this and we haven't even buried our older brother yet.

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