Need help

[Itsconfusing]

God it's all so hard. I don't know who to turn to, no one will understand. I should be happy but I don't know how to be. I can't remember being happy (even though I'm sure I have been?!) I should be. I can't cope. I'm exhausted with it all. Don't want to go anywhere, see anyone, pretend to be ok. I'm not.

I'm going to damage them how can I not be happy? I have 3 beautiful dc and I'm damaging them. I was desperately guilty about not any 1-1 time with elder dc, had wanted to do something special with him and where am I? In bed crying,thinking awful things. They would be all better without me.

I should be happy, excited, looking forward. But I can't. It's all so overwhelming. I don't know how to cope. I feel sick, exhausted, can't sleep, my minds racing, it hurts.

I'm seeing the go in the morning, but don't know how he can help. I'm breastfeeding. I have no time, no help, it's all pointless. It's just the way I am, I don't think I can be normal. I've just hidden it well? I don't think I can anymore.

Thanks nana your explanation of things is really helping. Yes I managed to get to the bank, but it was a rush. I'd fallen asleep on the sofa again for an hour! The dc never sleep at the same time but have the last few days, I must have someone watching over me.

Made a bad decision of taking the dc to the fair as I was in town anyway and knew they would love it. Dh met us after work so we let the dc go on a few rides. It was very noisy, busy = big stress for me. I nearly fell out with a lady as I was ordering some chips for dc to share until I could get them some dinner. I blew everything thing out of proportion massively. I started freaking out over a bouncy slide being too dangerous for the boys to go down. Envision aging alsorts of terrible accidents happening etc. then was having a huge panic over the fact they coukdn't just have chips or dinner - they needed protein and veg, but dc2 has many allergies so eating out is impossible. Nearly ended up in a huge row with dh. It was completely overwhelming.

I ended up coming home feeling utterly stressed out and had a glass of wine, then nearly finished the bottle. Not good I know. What a mess.

The ad's is mainly because I worry about weight gain. I have a lot of pressure from my dm and family (not dh) to be petite. They disapprove if I'm overweight.

Oh IC, I think you pushed yourself far too hard - again! I can't think of a worse place to go than a noisey fairground when you are feeling shite. You need to stop pushing yourself, you really do. It sounds a bit like you are still in some sort of denial about your illness and are trying to prove that you are ok. I can absolutely empathise with you about nearly "losing it" with people and stressing about the bouncy slide. Just a couple of weeks ago I was sobbing down the phone to my DH who was not in, that the window cleaner was here and I couldn't open the back gate and I couldn't face talking to the window cleaner. Again a symptom of anxiety.

You are trying to maintain the standards that you had previously about the foods the dcs need to eat. No harm is going to come to them if they don't have protein and veg for a while (obviously the one with the allergies you need to watch) but thousands of kids get fed chips every night I'm sure. You need to "cut yourself some slack" - you are ill at the moment and you will get better, but it will take longer if you keep pushing yourself to do things that you aren't well enough to do.

As for ADs and weight gain - my god what's a few pounds when you are suffering like you are. Anyway they don't all make you put on weight, it's just that your appetite can increase (that's with some of the older ones I think) Pressure from your family to be "petite" - my god WTF is going on - what business is it of theirs how much you weigh. I think when you are starting to lift you would really benefit from some therapy as there are a lot of issues from the past that need to see the light of day.

For now, please try hard to accept that you are ill and stop pushing yourself as this is like trying to break the plaster cast off your leg before the bone has mended and it will make recovery much longer.

I'm not saying anything about the wine! NNx

My dm's a perfectionist in everyway, she likes everything to be perfect around her. I'm not like that, but I do like to please and to keep the peace. Although I rebelled when I married dh as he's far from dm's idea of perfection ! Ok so maybe I can stop panicking about the ad's, a few pounds I can cope with. We're moving to another country to live near my parents and work for them...look what it's doing to me we have no choice as need the £ that it would bring for our future, but I feel I'm paying a high price for it I.e. my freedom.

I've definitely realized I need rest. And not to push myself ATM. Have to do some e-mails and bank payments tomorrow for dm. But will keep it to just that and will look forward to my rest day on sat...and I will spend a lot of it lazing in bed (I hope).

Oh IC it sounds like this dynamic between you and your mother is set in stone, in the sense that she demands perfection and you have tried as best as you can to please her, and this has probably been the case for many years? If so, it is very difficult (but possible) to change the dynamic or modify it in some way, so that try a little less to please her IFYSWIM.

Oh Lord moving to another country, small wonder you are feeling so anxious. Are you going to an English speaking country or do you know the language of wherever you are going, just wondering as this could be another stress factor.

Glad you realise you have to stop pushing yourself........

I woke in a very anxious state and the negative thoughts started spiralling. I talked to my DH and wrote down how I was feeling, (always helps me) and lay on the bed doing my breathing exercises and am now distracting myself on MN.

Take care and get that long awaited rest on Saturday.