Need help

[Itsconfusing]

God it's all so hard. I don't know who to turn to, no one will understand. I should be happy but I don't know how to be. I can't remember being happy (even though I'm sure I have been?!) I should be. I can't cope. I'm exhausted with it all. Don't want to go anywhere, see anyone, pretend to be ok. I'm not.

I'm going to damage them how can I not be happy? I have 3 beautiful dc and I'm damaging them. I was desperately guilty about not any 1-1 time with elder dc, had wanted to do something special with him and where am I? In bed crying,thinking awful things. They would be all better without me.

I should be happy, excited, looking forward. But I can't. It's all so overwhelming. I don't know how to cope. I feel sick, exhausted, can't sleep, my minds racing, it hurts.

I'm seeing the go in the morning, but don't know how he can help. I'm breastfeeding. I have no time, no help, it's all pointless. It's just the way I am, I don't think I can be normal. I've just hidden it well? I don't think I can anymore.

Yo uare doing something called catastrophising and it's time to stop. I appreciate you feel bad and it is good that you are going to the GP. But stop talking nonsense about him not being able to help you.

There are anti-depressants that can be taken while breastfeeding and you may well benefit from some counselling or CBT that your Gp can refer you for also.

Also stop telling yourself that you 'should' be this that and the other. No point thinking you should be excited when you are not.

Being in bed crying is also not damaging your children. Time to calm down a little.

Get up, wash face, drag yourself down, have something to eat and or drink and do something with your eldest for half an hour. Then give yourself a break.

You will get through this.

Thanks, I need to get up anyway, dh is going out in half an hour so I have the dc for the rest of the day. Don't know how I'll cope. I'm so short tempered at the moment And end up raising my voice/shouting too often I just feel so heavy, heavy body, heavy head. Like its so hard to even move.

I,'ll drag myself up as you say. I can read to dc1 whilst dc2 is sleeping - not what I had in mind but it's better than nothing. I don't know if I can bare to eat.

Thank god for cartoons. Another afternoon with them sitting watching tv.

I hope you realise I take how you feel very seriously. Just kicking you up the bum as you have no option but to get through the day.

You are really not well. You describe symptoms of at least moderate depression and should not be surprised if the doctor advises tablets tomorrow.

Just think that if you were recovering from surgery, or had a broken leg, your dc would probably watch cartoons too. So stop beating yourself up.

Phew - a very direct but honest reply from Madmouse. Yes you are catastrophising but this is what some of us do when feeling like you do, it's part of the feeling worthless and will never get any better etc etc that is a symptom of anxiety/depression, as the two usually go hand in hand. Sounds like your anxiety is sky high and this causes spiralling negative thoughts which just make us more scared and we don't know how to stop.

I am still getting intermittent depression, and on my very worse days I get into the thing about "everyone would be better off without me" and you need to know that this is the depression talking, not you. A wise friend told me recently when I was saying the same thing, that if you commit suicide you pass on your pain to the loved ones you leave behind,and this could haunt them througout their life time. Depression is a deceitful illness and makes us believe things about ourselves that aren't true.

It is small wonder that you are exhausted with a young baby and 2 more children, you would be anyway, without feeling depressed. Agree with madmouse that there is little point in thinking how you should feel, as this is the road to nowhere. We fee what we feel - it's called being human!

Have you suffered from dep/anx before - or could you be suffering from Post Natal Depression. Whatever - you are certainly describing the symptons of depression and anxiety which make you feel like there is no point to anything, worthless, helpless, ashamed (sometimes we feel we should be able to do something to stop these horrid feelings) although we don't often feel that in physical illness.

Glad you are seeing GP tomorrow. You must be honest with him/her and say exactly how you are feeling. Maybe write down your symptoms in bullet points and give to GP - he/she will almost certainly prescribe ADs and yes I believe there are some you can take while still breast feeding. However they are not a magic bullet that will "cure" you like paracetomol will cure a headache. They take around 2 weeks to kick in (sometimes longer) and some people feel worse when they start to take them, because you are likely to feel the side effects of the meds, before you feel the benefit. Occasionally you have to try more than one AD as they act differently on different people.

Depression and anxiety are sheer torment and you have to experience it before you can understand it, but you won't always feel like this and you will get better even though you won't be able to believe it now. It is a common illnes with 1 in 4 suffering from it, at some point during their lives and 6 at any one time, so somewhere there are 5 other people (mainly women as it affects women more than men) feeling like you do.

Of course there are degrees of the illness and some will feel it worse than others.

OK it's now 1.30 - are you up now and trying your best to get through the day- that has to be your goal for today - do you have a supportive DH/DP or any other RL support that you can call on for some support. Incidentally just wondered, are you seeing an HV and have you talked to her about the bleakness you are experiencing at the moment. Don't forget broken sleep will just add to the problem but not much you can do about that,

SO post again if it helps and let us know how you get on with your GP.

I kind of agree with madmouse. It's shit feeling so awful. But it doesn't really matter how you feel - you have no choice but to get up and get on with it.

Someone on here told me you have to fake it til you make it. And it's true. If I get on with things and try to do it with a smile, no-one suspects I actually wish I were dead. And, in pretending that I am ok, I can almost make myself believe that I am, if only for a few minutes. And that makes it all a tiny bit less unbearable.

It's bloody hard & I often can't be bothered and don't see the point. But there is a point and it won't be like this forever.

The GP WILL be able to help. This is a rough patch but it will pass.

Thanks everyone. I crawled out of bed miserable as sin. Kitchen was a tip so furiously cleaned it...have no idea where that surge of angry energy came from. Felt furious with poor dh. Baby is actually 15 months old! But she's been a bad sleeper and still bf's a lot although have stopped feeding her through the night 3 nights ago. Dc1 is just 4 and dc 2 is nearly 3. They are my world, but they're a whirlwind and I never have a break from them.

My anxiety levels are 10/10 I would say, I feel negative about every tiny thing. I feel if one more thing happens I worry how I will react. A couple of months ago I drove off alone and thought about driving off a cliff or running away. Thoughts like that again this morning. Just imagine the peace if it was all over. But I don't think I'd ever to it.

Dc1 and 2 are aslee and dc3 is feeding so having a bit of space for my racing thoughts.

I was very depressed all through my teenage years. No one noticed, so I had no help, it was just 'me' being an awful teenager. I often thought about drinking a bottle of vodka, tying a plastic bag over my head and jumping into the river. I used to sit in my room with a razor blade ready to cut my writs but never could.

When I was 18 I was living in a new town alone, felt very low so went to the drs. They prescribed me ad's but I hated them. I slept for about 2 weeks, put on weight and just felt rubbish. But I was drinking heavily too. Stopped taking them all of a sudden. Life went a bit manic, everything went wrong, then I moved in with some friends in a previous place I lived in.

My life seems to have been so up and down. But I think I've always hidden it well.

Ah well done for getting out of bed (and I so know that miserable as sin) feeling. Good thing you got some angry eneregy to clean up -never heard it called that before but it makes sense - sort of an outlet for the anger you feel. You certainly have your hands full with 3 under 5's - and it's hard not to het a break from them, no matter how much you love them. Are there no gr/prts, aunties, friends who could take one or two of them for a while to give you a break. My neighbour has children almost exactly the same as you (one with special needs) and works 4 days a week and she is often stressed even though her DH does his fair share. How you are coping with the DCs and depression god only knows.

It is wierd how depression causes similar symptoms in people. I have thought so often of driving off, or walking and walking till I disappear. I had big notion of walking miles into the country and lying down under a hedge and quietly expiring. Like you I was imagining release from the torment that is depression. Glad to hear you say you would never do it, this is known as suicide ideation. It isn't that we want to die, we just want an end tothe emotional pain which overwhelms us sometimes.

Let us know how you get on with GP tomorrow

I used to walk and walk when I was a teenager nana, thinking similar to you. Walking and crying, raining or not. My parents would just assume I'd been off galavanting! They never asked more, just punished me. I never told them. I always used to read books to help me escape. I've noticed I'm going back into that. I've bought probably nearly 50 ebooks for the kindle over the last week and have been reading (when I should be doing so much more).

No body to really help with the dc, I do have fil for the occasional hr to cover me taking dc2 to various appointments, but never more than that. I don't have a hometown. No family here. Friends are reasonably new and all have 2/3 young dc's too so not really possible. We're moving towards the end of the summer though and will be close to my parents, with help too, so I know that will all get easier. I'm very worried about managing to get to that point though. The move itself is causing A LOT of stress.

I feel I must be particularly bad right now as I've been struggling for months now but have avoided the drs so far. Now I feel I will be relieved to have some help to take away the torture.

So sorry you have suffered for such a long time. Glad you are moving to be near your parents so that you can get the help you need. Presumably you now have a better r/ship with your parents than when you were in your teens? Do remember that moving home is very high on the stress level list and I am sure that is causing you a LOT of stress. Could this be part of the reason you are feeling so low at the moment. Anxiety is the medical name for fear, and it would be strange if you weren't afraid of uprooting and all the things that you have to do to effect the move. But if it will provide you with more support that can only be to the good.

When the dc go to bed at night it's such a relief immediately. I suppose that extra stress of dealing with them is taken temporarily. I've been drinking a bottle of wine a night to basically try and get some sleep, slow my brain down. So last night I read for 3 hours and drank a bottle of wine. Just feel empty. Exhausted. Things that would usually make me smile such as thinking of the dc smiling/giggling just don't move me at all. It's like I've lost me.

Thanks grockle, I will have to fake it before I make it. My parents don't believe in depression etc! So I can't speak to them, but maybe I will one day. My dh I can be honest with, but I find it easy to act all's well in front of other's, actually at the moment it's quite difficult but I've just been faking headaches etc.

Nana my relationship with my parents is an odd one at times, but I fear that is my fault. I've always felt neglected emotionally and abandoned. Since I've had the dc we've had a relationship a such again. They adore the dc, and on the outset would do anything for me, but it always has to be on their terms. I don't like being controlled. The move is them offering us jobs and a fantastic opportunity, which is jut too good to turn down. It will change our lives forever in a good way financially. But I just feel we'll be living through them, pleasing them, being how the want us to be.

I've been feeling like this although not so bad for months now. We found out about the month about 4 weeks ago, so that's definitely added to the stress. Also financial stress, and dc2 has health problems, lots of symptoms plus weightloss/underweight etc which the drs are still trying o diagnose. That has been very stressful. We had a day in hospital full of x-rays/ultrasounds etc to the out cancer, that was ruled out, but it's all so draining.

Thank you all, it's very therapeutic to write this Down, and madmouse for giving me a kick up the bum yesterday, it did help.

So I somehow dragged myself up ths morning as drs was at 10.30. Managed to get a babysitter so I went alone. Near.y had a panic attack in the car, right in the middle of a junction I was trying to cross. Heart was racing, breathing was getting nearly out of control, it was very scary. Don't know how I kept it together.

I was very honest with the GP, I know him quite well now due to dc2's health probs so he knows everything I've been having to deal with in regards to that. So that was helpful. He's given me a low dose of diazepam to take 3x a day, as I've reduced breastfeeding to 3x a day now and dd is a big 15 month old he said it should be ok. He's given me a questionnaire to fill in and wants me to see him again in a week. He also wants me to arrange to speak to HV this week - don't know how she can help though so not sure

So tired, may try and have a nap on the sofa whilst the 2 lo's are asleep.

Hello there - it sounds like the GP thought your major symptoms were more anxiety than depression and has prescribed diazepam to see if it will "damp" down the anxiety. The Q'airre - is it one about your symptons e.g. Do you feel sad - all the time/sometimes/never and so on. My GP did a short one of those with me and then they add up the score to decide whether you are mildly, moderately or severely depressed. He probably thinks the HV can offer you some support while you are struggling so much.

Is there any possibility that you could wean your son off the breast, which will make it easier I think for a GP to describe ADs. I was worried about your self medicating with wine - this is not the way to go - sorry to be blunt but you will makes things worse in the long run. What amount of alcohol have you been drinking normally, before feeling so bad? You must tell the GP about the amount of wine you are drinking, as 1 bottle a night is an awful lot and could affect any ADs that you are prescribed.

Hope you managed that nap on the sofa. Anxiety and depression are very draining to say the least.

Nana please do not suggest weaning off the breast like that. It is beneficial for children up to at least 2 years and for common and garden ADs it is not necessary to wean off at all.

OK - I accept that is your point of view.

Thank you both, I really appreciate your time on here. Fell asleep on the sofa for 1 1/2 hrs ds1 sat quietly watching Aladdin whilst the other 2 were napping. I felt the tablets definitely helped bring my anxiety down a few levels, I was still feeling anxious, but not so severe and overwhelming.

No wine last night. I haven't drank alcohol for nearly 5 years due to pregnancies and breastfeeding, apart from the occasional 1/2 units. Then more recently I've started drinking maybe 2/3 glasses of wine a night over The weekends. It's been the last week when I've been drinking a bottle a night as it's all felt too much. I've also started smoking again again haven't smoked since before ttc dc1, feel very ashamed. It's just been a few once dc's are in bed. I did tell the dr. I really wanted a glass of wine last night, but resisted due to meds. I had to get dh to get rid of it in case I gave in. Pre dc I was a big drinker, scarily so looking back. I do worry that I could end up with a problem, so always aware. I always drank myself regularly into unconsciousness, would barely remember nights out. But my dc come before a all else now - thankfully.

Don't think I could wean dd, I'm by myself with them mostly and she is milk mad, it's taken A LOT to reduce to 3 ish feeds a day.

My heads feeling a little less frantic, although I'm purposely avoiding thinking about everything I have o do. I should really start making a list, but even that idea is overwhelming. Any tips? I really do have things I need to do.

But starting today (and it's been a bad morning) i've got to get myself and dc washed/dressed to get ds1 to nursery which will give me a breather just having the little 2. The dr asked when I have time away from the dc....erm...never! Never have! He said that's a main priority to try and find a way to have a break. Dh said he's going to have the weekend off work so he will take the dc out all day sat. Hope I helps.

I see you posted a couple of minutes before 8.00 this morning and you say it has been a bad morning, so am assuming your day starts very early?

Don't want to sound patronising but well done for not drinking the wine last night. I know lots of people with MH problems do self-medicate with alcohol and I can absolutely understand why anyone would want to do something that alleviates the torment of depression, and to get some oblivion by sleep, but these people end up with 2 problems, depression/anxiety and alcohol abuse. You don't need me to tell you that cigarette smoking is dangerous and I'm sure madmouse will be along soon to tell you that!! That wasn't a criticism as I think she is a very wise woman and like all of us on these threads is battling with her own difficulties.

Re the list - I read on a MH thread here the "One Thing a Day!" rule" and you do your best to carry it out. I thought it a very good idea and wonder if that appeals to you. It is meant to stop being overwhelmed by "things" that need to be done. If you had broken your leg and in plaster from ankle to top of leg, there would be lots of things that you wouldn't be able to do, so try to think that way and be kind to yourself.

Ergh my day starts at 0530...hate it! And that's having tossed and turned trying to get to sleep by 11/12pm. And dc3 usually wakes 1-3 times within that time, last night it was 3x. I dose/lay in bed though feeding dd until about 0630/7 whilst dh supervises boys and gets ready for work, dh leave at about 0645 so I have to get up then. I generally get up then to dc that want MORE breakfast, nagging at me from the first moment they see me, nappies that need changing etc etc. Eventually I get to make a coffee by about 8, hence my post!

The one thing a day thing sounds good, thank you, even I can hopefully manage that! Yesterday I was really pleased I actually got to the Drs AND made dinner! Today I'm pleased that took the dc to the park after the nursery run. I wanted to just crawl back home but ds2 really insisted and I couldn't say no. Tomorrow I will take them into town for an hour to see the fair (that will be a big leap for me).

Spoke to dh last night about my feelings, properly and honestly. I think he was a bit shocked as he can't understand the thoughts of ending it all/running away. I reassured him I wouldn't do anything, it's just a fantasy sometimes, just imagining the peace and restfulness.

I've e-mailed my dm today as well was very blaze but just explained I was prescibed diazepam as I'm struggling with stress/anxiety. In case I'm very short with them, and as we're all moving in with them in a few months whilst we find somewhere to live

Dh is having the weekend off work so I can have all day Sat to myself...I haven't been by myself for years...

OMG 05am sounds horrendous and disturbed nights as well, you must be totally exhausted. BUT you sound like you've done brilliantly withthe nursery run and he park, and a trip in town tomorrow - but don't push yourself too far as that could make you worse.

Glad you had a good talk with your DH and I'm sure this must make him realise that you need some time for yourself. SO proper rest & relaxation on Sat - no housework or cooking. Probably good idea to warn your mom you are not well and let's hope she understands.

Oh god no sleep last night, dd cried most of the night. It was like a nightmare really. Find it so hard to go to sleep in the first place, but so hard to get up in the morning.

Is the detachment you feel part of depression? I was telling the dr how I can be in a room with friends and feel as though I'm not there, just nod, smile and say the things you're supposed to. It's so lonely. My dh's parents came for a coffee yesterday afternoon, unexpected. The house was a mess and I was dazed, tried to pull myself together, put on a big fake grin and just talked constantly about the kids...scared they would see I was a big fake. It all feels so wrong.

My dm replied to my e-mails that I have so much to be happy for etc and basically be happy, which I know I ought to be. She believes people are responsible for there own feelings etc and need to 'pull themselves togeher'. Itvdoesn't really help, just makes me feel worse tbh. She wants to ring this morning, I can't be bothered but will have to.

Just keep chanting in my head 'fake it til you make it'. It really is helpful. So going to spend the morning trying to work my way up to take the dc out to the fair for an hour, already arranged with pil now so no getting out of it. Thankfully having so many small dc takes the attention from me. Feeling very paranoid that everyone's going to figure out I'm a fake.

Oh so sorry that you had little sleep - could your DH get up to settle LO sometimes.

I think fake it till you make it is a good thought, but I do wonder if you ought to be more honest with the pils. They might have heard you weren't well and came round to see. I think telling someone you trust how you really feel is very necessary.

Your dm sounds dreadful I'm afraid to say, one of the "pull yourself together" brigade and there are lots of them out there. I honestly sometimes wish these people did get depression and then they would know.

Hope you are ok when you are out today - why not take the opportunity to be a bit more honest with your pils - I know it's hard because so many people don't understand, but you could try and see how it went.

Won't be around till Fri night. Take care NNx

God now dm has been e-mailing me asking me to get to the bank to make VI payments for the company and to sort out a mistake with telephone bills etc...it really is too much, I feel like this is pushing me backwards. Also loads of e-mails from df and their PA about the schools and nurseries I need them to look at, and doing their business changes of address...they don't get it. I told them so they could hopefully give me a break, if only for a few days. It's just way too much. I now don't know where to bloody start. I have to leave the house in 30mins and we're still not dressed/washed etc.

I want to crawl into bed and ignore them all. But the dc come first and I have to sort them first. Just with I had someone in RL to understand me. This is all so hard. May take another diazepam, the dr sais I could double up if I needed too.

I hope you're ok Nana I noticed you posted quite late last night x

Ok I've been feeling quite frantic today, but calming down now. Cancelled our trip out, just couldn't cope. Dh came home and took ds1 to nursery for me. And now dc2&3 are having a nap. I'm just trying to collect my thoughts a bit although can't think too much as it's just too stressful. I took some extra diazepam which has helped. Now I've just got to concentrate on getting us to the bank before it closes to make the company payments for dm...I could cry...well, I have a lot. I can't believe they're doing this to me. My house is trashed, my dc desperately need a nice time other than tv, and all of my energy is now being concentrated on working my way to the bank at some point. I have to make more payments tomorrow too I just want to bloody scream.

I just cannot wait for Saturday to arrive so I can have a rest and try and figure out what the hell is going on in my head. I must need some peace. My sister suggested meditation, but I have no idea how that will work when I have a trillion thoughts running through my head constantly.

I'm panicking now trying to make myself think of ways to get better without ad's...going over in my head how I need I take all these herbs/vitamins, g for a run every day etc. the only prob is i'm barely managing to wash the dishes I don't want to put on weight with ad's.

My plans changed so I'm here. Look love, I know your mother doesn't "believe" in depression and anxiety, but I think you (or your DH) have to e mail her or speak to her. You can acknowledge that you know she thinks you should "pull yourself together" but she needs to know that you have a depressive illness and anxiety, and the GP has given you meds but is concerned about you and you have another appt next week. You need her to know that this isn't just a bit of stress.

They are piling extra stuff on to you that you just can't cope with and they need to know that. Would your DH contact them as I think that would be best, as it will just be another ordeal for you, on top of everything else.

I expect by now you got to the bank as your last post was 14.38

It's small wonder that you are feeling frantic,because this stuff from your parents is just pushing you too far.

OK - you need to calm down a little and hope the diazepam take the edge off your anxiety. It is just awful I know, there have been times when I have been "on the ceiling" with it. I don't think your sister's suggestion of meditation is helpful just at the moment, maybe further on when you have started to climb up a bit, it could help you relax and help with the anxiety.

I am going to be a bit blunt here but there is absolutely no sense at all in you panicking about "making yourself better" without ADs. Herbs and vitamins don't work on depression & anxiety, and going for a run every day is totally unrealistic at this stage in your illness and that's what you have a depressive illness, which includes anxiety of course. It's a bit like thinking you could do a steep hill climb with a broken leg. Thinking that you should be able to do something to "make yourself better" is a symptom of depression. You do need to remember that, cus it's important. We don't feel like this with a physical illness but we do with mental illness, that's just the way it is for many of us.

I'm not sure why you are so worried about ADs - is it because of the BFing because there are ones you can take whilst BFing I believe. All I can say is that they have been a life saver for me and for many other women on the MH thread. You are seeing the GP next week and take the Q airre back and he will probably want to prescribed ADs. They don't work straight away and sometimes you can get worse before you get better - they can take 2 or 3 weeks to kick in, but they have literally saved my life as I was about to carry out my plan to "get rid of myself" - that's how this awful illness makes us feel.

On Saturday I think you should lie quietly on your bed and take breaths in to the count of 4 or 5 with your hands on your belly, and feel the rise of your belly when breathe in and then breath out to a count of 6/7 or whatever - don't get hung up on numbers, so long as the outbreath is longer than the in breath.

You can't "figure out what is going on in your head" because you already know, you have a depressive illness which includes anxiety. End of ......
If you could "figure out" what is happening in your brain you would know more than every psychiatrist in the country - they do not know what causes depressive illnesses and can only diagnose and treat. There is not very much known about brain disorder at all. The brain is a very complex organ, it's like a computer, it's great when it is working ok but when something is out of sync it can produce the symptoms you are having. Please believe me.

Hope you can come back on tonight. I'll check in the morning.

NNx (oh and no more self medicating!)