Appointment with psychiatrist - scared. Please will someone hold my hand?

[Grockle]

I've been depressed for months and it's not getting better. I'm not terribly unhappy, I just don't care about anything and wish I'd died years ago. I still cook, clean, go to work, look after DS and I'm not suicidal (although was a bit several weeks ago), I just wish I weren't here.

I don't sleep well, I feel sick all the time & can't eat or concentrate on anything and this appointment looming is scaring me. I don't want to live like this but I have no choice. What will a psychiatrist do?

I have other health issues, massive stresses with exP, DS is waiting for plastic surgery, I'm barely managing to do my work but I'm coping. I just think i'm under a lot of pressure. I don't know what to do.

is this 1st appt?
psychiatrist will take social and mental health history, ask you about recent events, any triggers. day to day life
will discuss meds, what (if any) you take.will discuss what works for you, may suggest a medication regime
may refer you to local community mental health team and/or psychologist
may refer for cbt etc

if you feel anxious/nervous maybe write down what you want to discuss
let psychiatrist know if you feel anxious about appt

good luck and hope things begin go feel less overwhelming

Yes, it's my first appointment. I desperately don't want to go. I'd rather run away. I don't feel like I'm ill, just struggling. . Seeing a psychiatrist feels like a slur on my character when I've been doing my best to carry on - I feel like I've failed & everyone will be judging me. I'm scared to change meds.

I just want some peace. And some sleep.

we all need support at different times
this is your time
yes unfortunately there is still stigma about mh, but not be too hard on yourself.if you had a physical illness you'd go see the GP, so don't differentiate just because it's mental illness.you've not let yourself or anyone else down.please do take help offered and don't be too harsh on yourself

Dont look at it as a slur on your character - mental illness is no less valid than a physical illness, and a psychiatric assessment will help determine diagnosis and the treatment that you should consider.

Good luck

I'll hold your hand grockle, I've been there, just finished a course of counselling and am waiting for CBT. What you said about not being suicidal but wanting life to stop really resonates with me, I spent a lot of time wishing that I wouldn't wake up the next day, life felt like one long unpleasant chore. I'm getting there now, finding some enjoyment in life but I won't pretend it's been easy.

You need to see yourself as ill rather than weak, you aren't crap at coping, you're actually amazingly strong for being able to carry on doing what needs to be done despite being unwell. Try and see this as the start of your recovery.

Lots of love and luck.

Thank you. I know it's no different to being physically unwell... maybe I'm in denial. I think having mental health problems feels much more personal than, say, my back pain. MH is something wrong with me & who I am rather than just something not quite right with an arm or leg.

That's it FourThousand - if my life were a hobby, or a book, I'd have quit long ago. But it's not and I can't so it feels like a sentence. There's no way out so I have to grin and bear it. I do everything I have to do because I have to. There's no joy in it. I smile when I;m with DS and I love him to bits but I feel empty and just like I'm here to do a job - to raise DS as best I can.

It's weird as well because I feel like I am 2 people, in a way - I am the smiley, bright lady who works hard, takes her DS here, there and everywhere, keeps a relatively clean & tidy house & chats to people. But that's not really me - I force myself to do all that so that everyone thinks i'm ok & no-one worries. But really, I feel awful, I want to cry but can't & I just want to hide from the world. I have terrible thoughts and live every day regretting the fact that I didn't die when I tried before. That's who I really am. I hate all this keeping up appearances stuff. I'm so tired.

Perhaps I should've name-changed for this.

of course youre tired,you have maintained the social face,and concealed your anguish. that takes considerable mental and physical energy. you need an equilibrium again, to feel safe and not judged

I hope you find the appt useful and it's your opportunity to ta lk and be listened to. if it helps print the stuff you have written and take that with you

and even if you can't cut yourself some slack at the mo,let someone else

Thank you for being understanding. It makes such a difference. No-one in RL knows about all this - they all think I am fine, perhaps a little tired. I think I just need someone to give me a squeeze & tell me it'll all be ok.

Thank you all

It WILL be OK Grockle

I read somewhere (most likely on here "fake it till you make it" which is kind of how I've got through the last year tbh

Thank you very much. I like that - it is my new mantra. Fake it til I make it. Or until I keel over with exhaustion!

Hi Grockle and everyone else on this thread
I came here because I am dealing with a lot of the same issues - I have been having counselling for about six months as I realised I simply couldn't carry on any longer hiding everything away. I have now found out that I have probably been suffering from depression all my life without ever realising it - from feeling suicidal as a 7/8 year old, right until where I am now, nearly 46. I really hope your appointment goes well and I so understand the feeling that you just want someone to give you a hug and say everything will be okay. I guess I have been looking for that all my life and never found it yet. I am trying so hard not to let my terrible feelings of despair affect my children, but it's hard, isn't it, when they come to you ten times a day with pains and problems that they need you to solve and help them with... and all I'm thinking is, I've never had anyone to help me with my pains and problems and I don't know how much longer I can carry on with it. The same as you, everyone else thinks I am fine, my life is perfect, everything is good. When the truth is that I am borderline functioning.... I read something about Alastair Campbell the other day and his nervous breakdown and maybe it has to come to that before anybody realises that you are desperate. I don't know about 'fake it until you make it' - I've been faking it for my entire life and I haven't made it yet. The worst part is the feelings of utter desolation, despair and worthlessness, and the belief that it will never, ever get better. My counsellor has recognised that things have got so bad now that I might need a course of anti-depressants, and I'm wondering if anyone has any experience of this and any recommendations?
Thanks for listening.

I am amazed motherof3girls, that you have not been prescribed ADs before. You sound like you are really struggling with some long term mental health issues. You sound like your childhood was somewhat troubled and if that is the case, then counselling can usually help with this.

You must be exhausted at having to "put on a brave" face for so long.

I have had 2 major episodes of depression and anxiety (both times on psych ward for 3 months) but mine were acute, whereas your sounds like chronic, in that you just muddle along without any real interest in anything. For me depression is much more about the absence of any emotion, rather than feeling sad etc., but it is of course different for everyone. I think it's one of the most horrid illnesses to have

You are talking about some of the major symptoms of severe depression, feelings of utter desolation, despair and worthlessness - yes I know the torment of those feelings. It was ADs that saved my life, as I was very suicidal at one point.

Please go to your GP and tell him/her how you are feeling - write down your symptoms if you feel that is better - in a list, so that it's easy for the GP to read. I hate internet diagnosis but you are most definitely depressed. You are explaining what depression feels like and it's unbearabke sometimes.

I think the difference between physical and mental health, is that whe physically ill, we look ill, we may be in hospital, or have a limb in a cast and everyone understands this. When we are mentally ill, it doesn't usually show on the outside, so people can't understand why we feel so terrible. Also I think it is a symptom of depression that we feel we should be able to do something to stop it, and we feel ashamed because we are depressed and
people seeing us "in a state" whereas we don't feel any of those things when we are physically ill. I also don't believe that any physical illness is as horrendous as depression (I am probably wrong, but that's how it had felt for me) Only people who have experienced anxiety & depression can understand it.

Grockle - I can only endorse what everyone else has said and I think you should keep your mantra "fake it till you make it" because this includes the fact that you will get better at some point in the future. Hope your appt goes well. I saw a psychiatrist every week when in hospital - he was a bit distant and not very socially skilled (sort of looked through me)but what psychiatrists are good at doing is diagnosing and treating. Also remember he or she is an ordinary mortal just like you and me (and gets paid a lot of money!!)

Thank you, NanaNina, for your kind words and support. That feels very precious right now. I haven't told anyone about the depression yet - not even my husband. I feel like I haven't even got the energy to explain it all to him. Part of the problem is that I am sure that I don't love him - but I can't leave as I have no money and we run a business together so everything would collapse and I can't risk my children's lives collapsing overnight like mine did. And then the thing with this depression is that I don't trust my own feelings. I don't know if part of what's making this current period of severe depression worse is because I don't love him, or I don't love him because I'm so depressed. I feel a huge stigma attached to depression - and on the very few occasions over the years that I've tried to tell friends that I'm feeling miserable, without knowing that it's depression - the reaction I've always had is to pull myself together and be grateful for what I've got. Everyone thinks my life is perfect and it's only me who hates it and hates myself. All I see in the past is regret and mistakes and things I've done wrong and all I see in the future is more of the same. I know that I absolutely must hold it together for my children but it is very hard. Thank you for understanding.

Thank you Nananina

Sorry you are struggling so much motherorthree. I'm surprised you've not had a discussion about ADs too. It can be hard to find one that suits you - some people respond well to the first one they try and others need to try several before they find one that helps. I'm on mirtazipine - it was a wonder drug for me when I was suicidal several years ago but I'm not sure it's helping much this time.

I don't feel awful anymore so maybe it has helped but I still feel flat, fat and quite hopeless. I am resigned to the fact that even if I recover well from this episode, I will become severely depressed again in the future and probably suicidal and I just don't want to go through life with that happening every few years.

I have happy moments each day now, which is nice. But a feeling of dread pretty much all the time.

Hi Mof3 - you poor love - you are suffering from depression which is a real illness. I know about the stigma that is still attached to mental health issues, and sadly that doesn't seem to change. I am so sorry that you feel this too, and I think that is the essence of your problem - you are not giving yourself permission to have a mental illness. Yes many people think all we have to do is "pull ourselves together" don't these people think we would not do that if we could!

Do you realise that 1 in every 4 people will suffer from mental illness at some time in their lives, and 6 will be suffering at any one time. One third of all GP appointments are related to menta health problems, usually anxiety and depression. You must somehow get yourself to a GP and explain how you feel and I promise you that you won't be telling him or her anything he/she has not heard hundreds of times before (dependent on how long they have been pracising of course)

I once heard depression described as suddenly being struck blind and deaf, penniless and paralysed in a foreign country, and since we are none of those things, people can't understand why we are feeling so terrible.

This thing about your husband. I don't think you should be worrying at the moment about which way round it is, as you need to be able to get some help with your depression first. When you are feeling like this, is not the time to make big decisions. Would your husband be sympathetic if you told him how you were feeling? I think maybe you should try, but only you of course will know whether that is the right thing to do.

You mention this "current" period of severe depression - have you had episodes in the past. You mention your life "collapsing overnight" when you were a child. What happened in the "there and then" so very often affects us in the "here and now" no matter how many years in between.

The best way you can "hold it together for your children" is to see a GP and try medication. They were life savers for me, as I had actually decided which part of the canal I would drown in.........depression makes us feel like a stranger in our own body and is horrendously scarey. PLease please "mof3" make an appointment with a GP which could be the first step in the climb up the hill to recovery. At the moment you are at the bottom of that hill, and have no eneregy or motivation to start the climb. Sorry if this isn't making sense to you, it's just that I think visually, so I "see" problems as pictures if you see what I mean.

I can see it is going to be a big leap for you, going from telling no-one to seeing a GP , but that is what you really must do.
Tak care and post again - sending warm wishes NNxx

Grockle I have a friend in your position who had a severe depression and was on amitriptyline and thought it was a life saver, but after several years when she had another episode, she insisted on the same drug and it din't have the same effect. Just another trick Mr A & D plays on us. Have you tried CBT for your spiralling negative thoughts - it can be quite useful for these feelings. NNx

Hi Nananina
Thank you again for your reply. I think the desperate loneliness is one of the hardest things. The worse I feel, the more I withdraw from everyone. Now I think that if I tell anyone that I've been depressed for most of my life, they'll just think I'm being melodramatic or attention seeking. That is the kind of reaction I would have got from my mum as a child and I guess I have carried that with me. Regarding my husband - I just don't think he has the tools to understand. He is totally emotionally dependent on me - my emotions become his emotions. I see now that this is how he has lived his entire life - he was totally emotionally dependent on his mum, and had never even left home when I met him, was still happy to spend every possible waking moment with her and let her drag his washing down to the laundrette every week - he sees that as being 'close'. He has transferred his dependence on his mum to me, without quite leaving his mum behind - when she died ten years ago he was foul to me for about two years, and still kisses her photo every night and morning and sleeps with it under his pillow if he goes away. Whenever I've tried to say that I'm feeling miserable and I need some support, his only reaction is to shout at me - he just can't cope with it and I think it angers and annoys him that I'm not fulfilling my side of the deal which is to always be in control, deal with everything, make everything happen, make every decision, make sure everyone has a happy life, cook every meal, do all the washing, shopping, chores etc... if I'm not doing that it's just not convenient to him as it means that he might have to do it and I don't know if he's capable of it. He loses his patience with the children incredibly quickly and shouts at them which really upsets me because I try so hard to be a good parent and give them the love and understanding that I have never experienced. I have been to the GP before and she arranged for me to see a counsellor but then they said that because I'm 'coping' ie not lying on the floor naked and screaming - they couldn't help. I have been seeing a private counsellor for about 6 months and she is great but of course it is expensive and I have to try and sneak the money out of what my husband gives me because I don't want to tell him. We work together and he holds all the accounts so I am dependent on him to give me money, which I hate. I don't know how it's all gone so wrong and I don't know how I can change it. I have made an appointment to see the GP again on Monday but I must admit I am scared of taking anything as I have heard so much about the fact that the pills can be addictive and actually make you feel worse.
Thanks for your help.

Grockle ADs are not addictive. If they were addictive you would feel really good after taking them, you would get used to the effect they had, you would want, need and crave more and you would not want to come off them.

None of that applies to ADs. People think that sometimes because a dose needs to be increased at times to find the effective dose for you, and because it can take time and sometimes be difficult to come off the pills. The thing is, ADs stop your body re-absorbing the '''happy hormone''' serotonin so there is more serotonin in your system lifting your mood. In response your body makes a bit less serotonin and when you come off the tablets your body needs to re-adjust.

I cannot tell you whether or not to take the pills (although I'm unhelpfully tempted to tell you to leave your dh after the last post you wrote), but do not let false claims about addiction stop you from taking the meds you need. ADs may help you take control of your situation.

AD are a legitimate treatment and can produce good results and actually make you feel and function better. If you had a cardaic condition youd take beta blockers , if you have mental health needs and low mood an AD may be recommended.

AD work with neurotransmitters and stimulate serotonin,noradrenaline release. There is a range of AD and different dosage the GP will work with you to get this right. Like all pharmacological products yes there are potential side effects (which can be managed) but again the gp will address this in a consultation. However,given you already feel so bad,then an AD may be v effective. You do need to give a few weeks to work and do tell gp how they affect you.

i think there is a reluctance to take as it is seen as a personal failure or inadequacy to "pop pills". Or it is implied that one should pull self together and be more robust. Which of course isnt the case.If you need the AD then there is no reason not to take them,imo.

you asked Are antidepressants addictive? Antidepressant drugs don't cause the addictions in the sense that you get with alcohol or nicotine,that is that you won't find yourself craving them if you stop taking them. However You will need a gradual reduction if you stop AD

main thing with AD
take daily as prescribed, if you dont take they wont work
give few weeks to work, can take between 2-6 weeks for full benefit

day to day stuff that you can do thats non pharmacological
eat well
structured routine and activity ( i know you said you work)
walk more
gentle exercise
moderate alcohol intake esp on AD

do take care, and discuss all this with your gp

Mof3 - so glad you have made that appt. I can endorse everything that scottishmummy says - she is spot on. Am in a hurry now but will post again later tonight. Love NNx

Madmouse, you were talking to motherofthreegirls. I have no issue with ADs and understand how they work.

Hope you get some help and comfort soon, motherofthreegirls

so I was and so you do

that will teach me to post in a hurry

Was good advice

Grockle - how was your appointment? I hope it went well. Do you feel it has / will help? I hope so. Let us know. Thinking of you.

It's not for 3 weeks

I thought it was sooner but I'm panicking about it. I'm not crazy, in fact often I feel ok. I am sort of coasting through life at the moment. I'm not longer massively angry with the world, I'm less tearful - I'm sort of numb & don't care. It's better than having the extreme emotions I was having before.