Appointment with psychiatrist - scared. Please will someone hold my hand?

[Grockle]

I've been depressed for months and it's not getting better. I'm not terribly unhappy, I just don't care about anything and wish I'd died years ago. I still cook, clean, go to work, look after DS and I'm not suicidal (although was a bit several weeks ago), I just wish I weren't here.

I don't sleep well, I feel sick all the time & can't eat or concentrate on anything and this appointment looming is scaring me. I don't want to live like this but I have no choice. What will a psychiatrist do?

I have other health issues, massive stresses with exP, DS is waiting for plastic surgery, I'm barely managing to do my work but I'm coping. I just think i'm under a lot of pressure. I don't know what to do.

[Grockle]

Just wondering how motherofthreegirls is?

[Grockle]

Hello - I'm up and down. Weight matters because it'll trigger other issues & I can't deal with them on top of everything else. I know my mental health is a priority but I also don't want to make things more complicated than they already are.

I'm plodding along. Try very hard to keep myself on an even keel but struggling. I've never had such extreme emotions at the moment nor such unpredictable ones. I shock myself at how angry I'll suddenly feel & I KNOW my reaction is not reasonable but I can't help feeling so intensely about things. It's odd.

Between that and not sleeping, I'm a grumpy old mare. Had a massive falling out with DP over his MH too. I think I need to end it (have been told many times on relationship threads to walk away but I can't do it... so I'm torturing myself, 'just in case' it all is suddenly ok with him.

I'm so worried that my life will be always like this - good periods with awful depressions in between. I don't want to be suicidal again.

Hope everyone else is ok.

[NanaNina]

Sorry Mof3 I don't want to look like I am stalking you but I am worried about you.

Hi Grockle how are you today. Don't worry about putting on weight - what does it matter in the grand scheme of things. Sort of fair to middling here -ah well we just have to keep on "keeping on" don't we as we don't really have an option. I sometimes think that in 100 years time (or sooner) medics will know far more about brain disorder and will have a cure, and people will say "Oh god what did people have to do before the laser treatment (just an example) and." they will be told "well they had to keep trying different drugs and sometimes they worked and sometimes they didn't." .....just musing! x

[NanaNina]

How are you Mof3.......NNx

[Grockle]

Do phone the GP, Mof3. Zpoliclone is a wonder drug, I love it. To the point of not being allowed it anymore but it gives me a blissful night's sleep with no grogginess the next day.

I'm feeling fat & numb today. I went for a beautiful walk with DP but feel so detached. And I've put on 1/2 a stone in 6 weeks even though I'm barely eating anything.

The isolation is horrible. I either withdraw, which doesn't help or I force myself to go out anyway & put on a big act. I never understand how I can feel so alone and empty in a room full of friends. There's been several gatherings at various friend's home recently and they still all talk about the one at my house. I've been invited to 2 parties from 2 'rival' groups of mums at school and it dawned on me today that perhaps people do actually want to spend time with and maybe they even like me. I've never really felt like anyone liked me before. I've always felt l as if people just tolerate me. Even so, I still feel alone. And I prefer to be by myself. It's easier than keeping everyone at arm's length and feeling defensive all the time.

[scottishmummy]

i do understand plucking up courage to make significant disclosure to gp
scared of all the what ifs
worried how you come across
and it is a big deal however it isnt insurmountable.
you can do this

when booking appt all you need to do is ask receptionist for appt,you dont have to disclose reason for appt.just that you need a gp appt

when you see the gp explain you feel anxious
it might help to write some things done if you feel anxious talking,it can be good prompt

[NanaNina]

Mof3 - you shouldn't really need to "pluck up the courage" to phone a GP - they choose the job and are as I'm sure you know very well paid. The thing is you must do this asap as it is most unlikely they are going to prescribe "over the phone" and it would be better if you could see the GP you saw last time, although all your details will be on the screen of course. The drug they usually prescribe (but only a few tabs (about 4) is zopiclone, and it works like a dream (forgive the pun) They are usually 7.5 mg and I cut them in half and they still work. I don't need them now because the meds Itake at night for depression zonk me out (only good thing to come out of this) As it is Friday I think you must phone the surgery for an appt asap (you might have already done so) I first took half a one that had been prescribed for a friend, and bought more off the internet - I know that can be dodgy but there are ways that can tell if they are cocha (package they come in - small pin pricks on the side of the package with expiry date. I have a close friend who has trouble sleeping and I bought her a pack too and we agreed to take half one on the same night(!) and had a brilliant sleep with no after effects. Mind I don't know how they interact with sertraline.

Are you feeling a teeny bit better today although I guess your anxiety about next week is going to be very high.

The way you describe your depression is very very similar to mine and I think typical - feeling worthless, withdawing from life as far as possible, certainly not answering the phone. In fact at my worse times I have flown into a panic if the phone rang or the door bell even when my partner is in the house. We had a bloke come to lay some tiles in one of the rooms and I hid inmy bedroom and everytime my P came into the room he had to re-assure me that this bloke wasn't going to come into my bedroom! I also apologise profusely to my P and women friends about being the way I am and also feel ashamed of the depression. It is one deceitful illness because it makes us feel things about ourselves that aren't true. Normally I am quite an extrovert person, reasonably confident and actually like who I am, but depression takes all that away.

I know for you it is different, because you did not receive the unconditional love (or in DR's words made to feel significant) that is absolutely necessary for a child to thrive and grow into an emotionally healthy adult. However I still say you have managed to shake off some of the pain of the past as you are clearly very competent in your occupation, which I think is unusual for people whose needs were not met in any respect in childhood. Incientally Dorothy Rowe was writing about depression about 40 years ago I think as was Claire Weeks (self help for your nerves) the term "nerves" tells you how long ago it was, not that I am discrediting their work. I read a book called "Depression - the curse of the strong" (can't remember who wrote it) but it will be on Amazon. There is a great deal of reading material but everyone has their own take on depression, so I find it's helpful to take the bits that you can identify with from whatever you are reading. I will have a think and make some more suggestions.

Have you read anything about attachment theory - if not I think you would find it interesting, because it is all about the interaction between the baby (even one in utero) and the interaction between the mother (or father) or both and how it affects the baby from it's earliest moments of birth. If you are interested I can talk some more about it and suggest reading material.

I was wondering how it was that you married your H and I think for a lot of people whose needs were not met in childhood, there is a fear of getting too emotionally close to anyone, and as you say this is how it was for you. So sorry you lost the "love of your life" which must have been very painful.

Could hardly believe your last para as that is so similar for me too - I have this notion that I am responsible for others and make sure they have a good time and be the "life and soul" of the party (well gatherings rather than parties at my age) but I have always been like that, and it must have come from childhood even though I have no idea how that happened.

The totally competent caring person you need to be at work - is that tied up to the idea of perfectionism to somehow prove to yourself that you are actually capable of doing the job. I had a manager who used to work from dawn till dusk in the office and work and often was in on Saturdays and Bank Holidays. We became quite close and he told me that he had to do this much work because he got the "message" from childhood that he wasn't quite good enough, and unfavourably compared to his brother. The thing was everyone saw him as highly competent but would never have guessed the reason behind his workaholism.

Hope you get those sleepers........take care....love NNx

[motherofthreegirls]

Thanks, everyone, for your posts. I am plucking up the courage to ring the surgery and ask to speak to the GP and see if I can get something to help me sleep to tide me over this big job I have to do next week - we will be working 10-12 hours a day (sometimes things run over to 15) and I have a whole team of people to organise - crew, clients etc etc. I can't fuck it up as it is a big earner for our business... I can't risk being too tired to do it properly. That happened in June last year - I only just got away with it - and now I'm scared of doing the job and coping with it all.
NanaNina, I found your interpretation of attention seeking as attention needing very powerful. I think that I had absorbed that message for myself, although I wouldn't have been able to put it so neatly into words. I am also reading a book about someone's experience of depression and she quotes a lot from Dorothy Rowe (who I interviewed for a TV programme once; scary lady! but obviously very experienced and knowledgeable). The quote that has stuck with me is when she says that every child has a fundamental need to feel 'significant' - and if you don't ever experience that as a child, you will be left constantly craving love, affection and attention and almost certainly depressed.
(My nearly 5-year old was looking at my phone yesterday and there is a picture of a passion flower in the garden on it. She said, "Mummy, you really need a new photo, you've had that one for ages." And I said, "You are so right. What should I have instead." And she looked at me as if the answer was totally obvious and said, "Us, of course!". And it struck me that I would never, ever have thought, at any point in my life, that anyone would want a photo of me on their phone or anywhere else.)
For me, I would say one of the worst things of the depression is the isolation... the worse I feel, the more I withdraw... to the point where I stop answering the phone or initiating any form of social contact. So I want the love, but I can't ask for it, and if it's offered, I can't accept it, because I can't understand that anyone could possibly really truly love me because I am such a worthless and valueless person.
That's why I married my husband really - because he's so un-emotionally aware that he doesn't realise that I've never loved him, and for me it was much easier to be with someone I could keep at arm's length than someone I really cared about. Because if you care, you risk the pain if you lose them, and that happened when I lost the love of my life and I couldn't face going through it again.
And when I go out, I feel I must be that 'life and soul' of the party person that everyone expects, and when I go to work, I must be that totally competent, capable person - I just feel that no one will want to know me if they knew the truth.
Sorry - long post!
Sorry for your bad time, NanaNina...
Better get on with some work now.
Thanks to you all.

[perceptionreality]

Grockle, please don't worry. I've been under the care of a few psychiatrists - they seem to fall in to two ways of how they handle things

1 They take your history and background and try to figure out a diagnosis and then try to put you on appropriate medication.

2 Take a more hollistic approach and possibly recommend psychotherapy (depending on why you are ill).

The one thing they are not there to do is to upset or scare you. I would also like to say that I was very ill at one time and have a diagnosis of bipolar type 2 but later, I found a psychotherapist who helped me a lot and I am now off my medication and have had no episodes for more than 2 years.

I honestly felt at one time that I would be ill forever and would never sleep again. But honestly, it is possible to get better so hang in there everyone.

[NanaNina]

Hi Mof3 - glad you saw your therapist - can you see her while you are waiting for the meds to kickin. I have just googled sertraline and some of the side effects are exactly as you mention: dry mouth, agitation, sleeplessness, but does say that if you are really troubled by side effects, to return to the GP. It does say that you should feel the benefit within 2 weeks but can take up to 4 weeks to feel the full effect.

I am sure you are right about being exhausted, as you have such a lot going on and the sleeplessness (which is a symptom of depression) is going to make everything worse. Re the CPN - the first line treatment for depression is a prescription from the GP (has she given you another appt btw - she should have done, to check how things are going) and if you are getting much worse while waiting for the meds to kick in, they can refer you to the local CMHTeam, and a CPN can be allocated, so probably that's why it hasn't been mentioned by the GP. Mine always came to see me at home, but different LAs have different arrangements and I'm sure there is going to be more pressure on MH services in London. However it is still an option to contact the GP and ask if a CPN can be allocated to you as you are really struggling. On the other hand, you may feel you can get through it - but don't stop taking the meds. You could try Nitol I should think, or Kalms as you mention, but once the edge has been taken off the depression, your sleep should improve.

I think you did amazingly well to get yourself such a good job in TV after experiencing all the difficulties in your early years - you must have a reserve tank of strength I reckon, though I suspect that is now running dry. I can understand why you can't give yourself permission to be ill, given the messages you were given as a child about being attention seeking etc., but that was the fault of your parents and you know that you did not get the love and care you deserved as a child, and so you could "get rid" of those unhelpful messages, and try to be kinder to yourself, and accept that you are ill and not attention seeking - not sure if I have said i was a social worker and manager for 25 years for a LA and we always thought of attention seeking as attention needing* and we saw the effects of parents who neglecte and abused their children of course.

I think you must sit that H down and tell him. You must pluck up your courage and tell him. I am sure you have good reason to not want to tell him as he won't understand or empathise, but nonetheless you have to tell him and say you need support otherwise you are not sure that you can carry on with meeting the deadlines - that might shake him up a bit, because I have a sense that you are the driver in this business, and without you, he would be lost. Just a guess. Stick with the meds but if things get unbearable ask the GP if she can refer you for more support.

I was touched by your generosity of spirit in saying that I should be able to enjoy a slower pace of life and the grandchildren, but I still think you young mums have a very bad deal, with this awful illness.

Hi Grockle - I have just read your OP and notice that you mention you have other health problems with you and your little boy, as well as your depression. Do you want to say anymore about this, sorry if that sounds intrusive. How are things for you at the minute - you say Sertraline didn't suit you but found one that did - are you still taking it. I note that you are awaiting a psychiatric appt and that's how you started the thread. Is that for an assessment or review of meds. The GP obviously thought you needed to see a psych otherwise he/she wouldn't have referred you. YOu sound like a very loving mum to your little boy and there will be brighter times ahead for all of us I think. Mind the torment of depression has to be experience before it can be understood.

I am on day 5 of crapness and the migraine is caused by the crying, which sometimes I am unable to control. I usually get better in the evening and by this time at night (bedtime) I usually feel more or less ok. Just go to bed dreading what the next day will bring. This last blip has hit me hard because it is the first one this year and I really thought I was through it all (after 2.5 years) of being ill, initially with a physical illness and then the onset on the depression.

Hope you both get a better night and remember "This too will pass" (sorry if that sounds trite, but it's what we have to believe.

All for now...........Love NNx

[motherofthreegirls]

Hi Grockle
Thanks for your message. I think the problem is that it's easier for people to think that everything's ok, even if they really know that under the surface it's not, as then they don't have to deal with it.
Anyway, even if one did meltdown - would people take it seriously or just think one was being selfish or melodramatic. I'm never sure.
The sleep thing is terrible - I am the same - sometimes I find that Kalms work quite well so maybe you could give it go.
I'm so sorry there's no one to help you. I'm sure things will change for you. I know that i feel worse when I look too far into the future - but it's also so hard to stop. How old is your son? I'm sure that in the long-term he will be a huge support to you - of course we don't want to rely on our children emotionally - but just that you'll always know he loves you.
My husband has gone out to watch the football and I still haven't plucked up the courage to tell him about the depression or the pills. Don't get me wrong, if I'd asked him not to go because I wanted to talk to him, he would have stayed. I just feel too tired to even broach the subject at the moment.
Hope tonight is better for you.
x

[Grockle]

Oh motherofthree, sorry you've had such a bad day. The first few days are the worst. I do hope tonight is a little better. Sertraline didn't help me & it took a while to find something that did. I know it's really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but it is there.

I'm waking up a lot at night which doesn't help anything and I always have that feeling of wanting someone to help me but there is no-one and DS needs me so...

I also wonder what you have to do in order to make someone realise how bad things are and how much you need some support. If I don't slump on the floor and sob or have a massive obvious meltdown, everyone thinks I'm ok. Like you, nice house, good job, lovely DC. But I sit alone at night and wonder why I am here. You have a huge amount of pressure on you & a huge amount to deal with even without the depression. It IS difficult to see this all as an illness, no different to any other.

Hope your migraine is better, nananina.

[motherofthreegirls]

Hi NanaNina - I have just got back from the counsellor. She is very good, kind and insightful. She also said I must tell my husband. I live in central London so don't drive very often - we walk everywhere with the kids or I cycle - so thank you for your concern. I don't know if being in London is the reason but no one has mentioned a CPN or any other help available. But I'm not sure I could cope with that right now, anyway. I think it's just something else I would feel obliged to do. Regarding the job - yes, it was a very demanding job being in TV and I was good at it but of course looking back now I see how much the depression affected me. It was the right job in some ways as the way I have coped with my depression is to constantly change things - jobs / careers / houses etc etc - if it's not working, throw it out and start again. In TV most people change jobs all the time so in that sense it worked. But it is demanding, long hours, extremely competitive, very, very critical... not compatible with family life at all. Everyone in the world thinks my husband is perfect and constantly tells me how lucky I am. I don't think anyone has ever told him that he's lucky to have me. But we women are supposed to be proud and grateful of our ability to snaffle a man, aren't we? Other people don't see his angry side or his passive aggressive bullying. Yes, he would have to cope - but to be honest, our clients couldn't care less what is happening to us as people - they just want the job delivered by the deadline, come what may. So if I don't pull my weight I jeopardise the company and our livelihood. Although increasingly, even the threat of bankruptcy and repossession doesn't seem to be able to shake me from my torpor. I think part of the problem is that I am exhausted - mentally, physically and emotionally. I sleep so badly that I never seem to catch up and of course the more exhausted I am, the harder I find things with the kids. Right now I am just hoping and praying that these pills work and might help me to see straight for a bit.
I know you said it's worse for me and Grockle and everyone, with having to look after young kids etc - but I'm so sorry for you too, at the time when you should be able to sit back and enjoy the grandkids and a slower pace of life - to be hit by this nightmare.
I suppose the problem I have with seeing it as an 'illness' no different from a physical illness is that I have had it for so long... and if you were diabetic from the age of 6 or 7, or had a heart condition or whatever, everyone would know, you would not have been able to hide it for so long. I suppose I just feel that no one will believe me; they'll think I'm just being melodramatic or attention-seeking, which is what I would have been told as a child.
The worst thing is that sometimes I wonder if I ever can get better, or want to get better - that trying to get better is just too much effort for too little reward because I'll still be miserable even if I'm not depressed.
Hope you are OK and your migraine has improved.
Mof3

[NanaNina]

Oh Mf3 - so glad you are going to see your counsellor - I was just coming on to suggest that. I am sure she will advise that you need more help from the Community Menta Health Team, and way to access them is via GP. I think you must tell your H about your depression and the ADs. Another thng about the CPN coming, will show him that there is something very wrong with you at the moment, and i think the CPN will drive that home to him as well,as they know how much people in your state need support.

You certainly had a very high powered job before marriage and children and it sounds like you are the lead person in the business. Are you safe to drive - I know yousaid your D shouted at the girls but has he got any good points as a father. If push came to shove and you couldn't cope, he woud have to would'nt he. I really think you have to tell him and no he might not want to listen but you have to say it anyway, and give him the chance to show some human feeling towards you.

Are you safe to drive?

Back later and thinking of you...........NNx

[motherofthreegirls]

Thank you NanaNina. Sorry for your migraine. I hope it gets better soon. In answer to your question, I used to be a TV Director before I had the kids and now my husband and I run a corporate media production company and make training videos and eLearning and that kind of thing. There's only the two of us and a young trainee and our techy person so there really is no one to do it if I don't. Plus we need the money. I am going to see my counsellor in an hour so I can talk to her. I haven't told my husband about the depression yet, let alone the drugs, so it's not really his fault that he doesn't realise if I haven't told him how bad it is. But when I started the counselling and a few times since then I've tried to bring it up and in all honesty I'm not sure that he wants to know. He simply cannot deal with it. If I am not the emotionally strong one in this household, there is no one to be that person. So I feel all the pressure of carrying him emotionally as well as myself and I carry on pretending and inside I want to howl at the sky how miserable I am. A few times recently, before I knew it was depression, I tried telling a couple of friends - one was absolutely amazing, but she is up to her eyes herself - a single mum with an IVF baby, working full time and her dad has just died... she never has time to meet let alone talk. And other people are either dismissive - "if I had three children and lovely house and a gorgeous husband, I'd think myself lucky" - or just can't seem to grasp it. I suppose it is so at odds with the construct I have made of myself all these years that they just don't believe it or something. Maybe it's like Alaistair Campbell and you have to strip all your clothes off and run around naked and screaming before anyone realises. I don't know. I just can't function at all at the moment and I just don't know what to do about it. When I was such a lonely and miserable child, I never thought I'd grow to be such a lonely and miserable adult. Thanks again for listening.

[NanaNina]

Oh love - so sorry and I know exactly how you feel. I felt terrible for the first couple of weeks tbh when I went back on the ADs. Yes they do give you a dry mouth, but that's the least of the side effects. The problem is you feel the side effects before you feel the benefit. It sounds like your anxiety is very high too but the ADs are meant to cope with that too, but too early days for that. I too was very agitated and my friend called the GP and said i asn't fit to get to the surgery and h e prescribed diazepman (valium) just a small dose but it did take the edge off the agitation.

What is this 3 day shoot you have to direct - it sounds very high powered. What line of business are you in if you don't mind my asking.

Yes that's exactly what I have felt in the past so many times (and last 4 days) to get into bed and cry and never wake up. Wanting someone to look after you is a very certain sign that your depression is very severe. Can you phone the GP and she may get the "crisis team" to visit you, or just a CPN. They can't take the torment away but they can try to calm you down and reassure you that what you are going through is not unusual. Surely that bloke of yours can see for himself that you are so unwell and phone the GP to ask for a CPN to see you or the crisis team (they are only CPNs by the way but they come out in an emergency) and visit every day while you are in this state. Mind it might be better if you phone the surgery because they will be able to hear what a state you are in.

Do you absolutely have to struggle on with work - if you were physically ill you just wouldn't be able to, and what you are going through is much much worse than any physical illness. With depression we just want to withdraw from everything, that's why we want to stay under the duvet and block out all the light. I have been there so many many times, and come out the other side.

Is there no-one you could get some support from........you could phone Samaritans. But please try the GP and ask if they can get a CPN out to you. Sorry I can't help further but keep posting. Still feeling crap myself and have migraine so might not answer straight away but I am here for you.
Love NNx

[motherofthreegirls]

I took the first Sertraline yesterday - it probably wasn't a good day as for some reason I had a bit of an upset tummy... anyway, I felt terrible - sick and did not sleep a wink, dry mouth, and feeling really agitated. How can only one pill have that effect so quickly? I know both the doctor and the pharmacist said I might feel a bit funny for the first few days but I'm really worried now as I have three day shoot to direct for work next Mon - Weds and I will not be able to do it if I feel as bad as I do today. I feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack, I just want to cry and cry... I work from home so there's never anyone around all day - sometimes weeks go by and the only people I speak to are the children and my husband, just making arrangements and stuff. I can't concentrate on the work but I know I have to but I just can't seem to get my head around it. I just want to pull the curtains, get into bed and cry for the rest of my life. I feel desperate and desolate and so incredibly lonely. I just don't feel that I can carry on - I want someone to look after me for the first time in my life - but I know it's not going to happen so I have to soldier on but I really don't know how long I can carry it on for. I just want to give up on everything and let go.

[NanaNina]

Oh Grockle so so sorry you feel like you do, and of course I can identify with a lot of what you say. The trick depression plays on us is that sometimes we are ok and we think it's gone, and then it sneaks up and hits us on the back of the head when we're not looking. I have been fine for 3 months (mind 2.5 years of ups and downs) and wham I am clobbered with a big one and have felt awful all day - just getting a bit of respite.

I don't really feel I have the right to moan because I am 68 and didn't have to cope with this when i was bringing up my children. It certainly sounds like your background is similar to Mof3 - have you had any counselling. Have just looked at your OP and see you are awaiting an appt with a psychiatrist - this is a good thing because the one thing they can do is diagnose and treat and have far more knowledge than a GP. Assume you have been referred by your GP. I have been under the care of 2 different psychiatrists for 2 severe episodes, and an inpatient both times. The first one was a woman and quite gentle but a bit odd, she didn't say much and waited for you to do the talking, but she was very caring and told me not to do anything that was an ordeal. I think she understood depression far more than the last one, who was a strange chap who didn't make eye contact and only talked about meds and always asked the same things "was I sleeping/eating" - didn't seem to matter that I had suicidal thoughts as long as I was sleeping and eating!

You are doing so well at bringing your son up on your own. You might meet someone who can understand your difficulties and can offer some support and comfort if nothing else. They do exist but I find most men are not good at meeting our emotional needs. Please read what I said about suicide in post to Mof3 because you would certainly pass on your pain to your son.

CatPower join the club and we can suport each other, thoughI realise you and Mof3 and Grockle are young mothers so will have more in common, but i do know the torment of severe depression and the feeling that we just don't want to be here anymore. Did the GP not think of increasing the dose of citalopram - and was the venlafoxine having a good effect apart from the weight gain, cus I wouldn't worry about that but it sounds like you are coming off it. At least you are being seen by a psychiatrist - I think with these drugs it's all trial and error isn't it but hopefully you will find one that suits.

Goodnight all. NNx

[NanaNina]

Hello All - have only just managed to get myself together to post.

Mof3 - I didn't mean to be critcal saying you had left it a long time to get help. I think it was obvious from your first post that you had been in denial and were worrying about seeing a GP about depression. You mention anorexia as a young girl and as I'm sure you know, this is nothing about food, it's about trying to get some control into your life when you feel life is controlling you, and is in fact a mental illness, though it doesn't sound like you got any help. I don't think people realise what a serious illness anorexia is as it is of course life threatening.

You really have had it tough Mof3 and you are right when you say that you will never be able to get the love and care you needed when you were 6 years old. Children need unconditional love from parents, and if you don't get it, there will always be a big hole there because you can never get back those lost years.

As adults I don't think we can offer unconditional love to our partners, it's not really possible, but like you "mom" for many people it is a quest, a need to find that love that you didn't get as a child. However I don't think what your H said is at all true because some people in your situation find enough affirmation and empathy (and maybe love) from a partner, to enable the traumas from the past to be more manageable. This you don't have and so you have a double whammy really to cope with and I think you have a lot of emotional strength ( know you won't recognise it) as you are not repeating the mistakes your own parents made, and are trying to give your girls the love and care they need.

Do you have anyone in RL who you can turn to - obviously not your parents, but any other relatives or friends. Incidentally I know about the time limit thing - I have done that in both my severe episodes of depression - it's somehow a comfort strangely as it seems to offer a way out. I have felt suicidal many times but a wise friend said to me that if we do kill ourselves we pass on the pain we feel to our loved ones and will inflict a lifetime of suffering on them. That is certainly true for your girls isn't it Mof3.

Glad you have opened a door that has been firmly shut for many years. Was the counsellor helpful in unearthing the trauma of your past, or were you just looking at the "here and now" and not the "there and then" and they are of course closely related.

Hope the meds kick in soon..........love NNx

Am going to post this in case I lose it. Oh and Mof3 youcan just click on "i'm on" at the top of the page and it will show you what threads you are on to save having to try to remember. I have only just learned this!

[CatPower]

Grockle... I'm in the same position as you, down to having my first psych appt recently as well. I've been depressed for a long time, probably since my teens but as you say, it was put down to being awkward, stroppy or grumpy. I'm 28 now and have been on AD's for a few months. I started on Citalopram which helped for a fair while, but then the same old awful feelings came back and my GP recommended Venlafaxine. That has been an almighty disaster, although my mood has been fair-to-middling I've put on 9lbs in five weeks due to the carb/sugar cravings I have - psychiatrist said weight gain is often a problem on Venlafaxine, even though the advice leaflet only mentions weight loss. I'm slowly coming off Venlafaxine and will start Reboxetine a.s.a.p... not sure what to expect.

I have group therapy tomorrow, to work on my self esteem "ishoos". Should be two hours of rainbows and sunshine, no doubt! Hope you're as alright as you can be right now. xx

[Grockle]

It was a long time ago, motherofthree - no-one takes a suicidal teenage girl seriously. Last time, they did take it seriously because I damn near killed myself. I don't want to go through that again. Twice is enough.

It is nice to be able to talk openly about this on here. Thank you all for being understanding

[motherofthreegirls]

Grockle, 16 years is a long time and all sorts of things could happen. Try not to give up on it getting better. Rich, I know, coming from me. It's always easier to talk sense to others than to oneself, isn't it? I find it astonishing that you didn't get help and treatment after your suicide attempt. I don't know when that was - I live in hope that we live in a more enlightened age now, when people's desperation is not just ignored and we are not just expected to pull ourselves together. But I don't know if that's true or not. I wish you all the best and I don't know what any of us can do to help, but for me this thread has already helped because for the first time I've told someone what's going on, even if it's not face to face.... so if it helps you too, keep on posting. :)

[Grockle]

Thank you, mother (that feels weird!) My teenage years were similar. No-one noticed that I might be depressed, just grumpy & stroppy. Even after a suicide attempt Maybe if someone had taken that seriously, it might not have spiralled into what it is today...

I feel the same - that I must be around for DS. But what about when he's grown up? He'll be gone and then it'll just be me. With a death wish. I know it's a long way off and life might change but in 16 years, nothing has stopped me wishing I weren't here so I don't see that it will just go away.

I'm sorry things are so tough. You sound very together and insightful, which is a good thing, I think. Yo've been very brave on here

[motherofthreegirls]

Hi Grockle and NanaNina
Thanks for your posts. The GP did say about the getting worse and the time, and the pharmacist said it as well.
I'm sorry for your bad day, NanaNina, and for you being a lone parent, Grockle. It must be very very hard but i am sure you are doing a great job and your son is lucky to have a mum who cares so much and tries so hard. Work and kids is incredibly hard... sometimes I think that is one of the main reasons I don't walk - because the thought of coordinating all the pick up and drop offs for three children and a job on my own is just too enormous to contemplate. So if it means anything I admire you so much for doing what you do.
NanaNina, the reason I have left it so long is that I didn't realise I had depression until it came out of the counselling a month or so ago. As a child I felt suicidal after my parents' divorce and the horrendous time we had, and as a teenager I was anorexic and very, very angry and tormented... but nobody noticed the anorexia and I was just considered to be bad-tempered by my family. It didn't occur to anyone, least of all me, that I was depressed - I just thought I was a bad and worthless person and that maybe when I left home I might be able to make myself a better person.
Anyway, fast forward all these years - now I'm 45 and my children are about to be 11, 8 and about to be 5... and I've covered over the depression by doing stuff - having really demanding jobs, changing career several times, having babies, doing up wrecked houses... anything rather than focus on myself. I suppose about a year ago I reached the end of that road and realised that I was about to collapse and started the counselling and she recognised the paralysing boredom I told her about as depression. So that is why it has taken so long - I have been in denial and covered it up for so long.
I am so desperate to be there for my children in the way no one ever was or has been for me. In some ways I think that I have given up on myself. I'm not sure that all those gaps of love and understanding can ever be filled for me - but maybe I can make sure my children don't have such gaps.
My husband told me once in a row that 'I just think that I could leave him and find someone else who'd be what I want but I don't understand that I'll never find what I want because no one could live up to it" - and I guess he's right because no partner would be able to give me the hug and the squeeze and the comfort that I needed so desperately when I was 6. I have spent my whole life craving that and maybe the first step out of a life of depression is realising that it ain't going to happen and getting used to that idea. I'm just going to have to learn to live with everything that's lacking, try and do my best for the children - and then? I don't know. Sometimes I give myself a time limit - I'll stick it out until the youngest is 25 and then end it all. I just cannot see that I will ever feel that life is worth living again - just that I must be around for the children.
There's never been anyone I've felt I can talk to about any of this, apart from the counsellor - so thank you so much for listening.

[Grockle]

Hello - I'm up and down. I have days where I feel quite norma. & bounce around with a smile. I feel a bit numb and empty, like a shell but nothing terrible & life feels ok. I don't love it but it's doable.

And then medium days where I am flat and a bit meh. And then bad days where I just want to run away and wish I'd killed myself years ago. If I had, it'd have saved a lot of people an awful lot of bother and, selfishly, I wouldn't have to deal with this happening over and over again. I'm in my 30s and have had 3 serious depressions that have made me suicidal plus many more where I SH and feel awful. Yes, the bits in between are ok, but it's just too much. No-one would let an animal live in continual pain yet I have to

I'm struggling to be a lone parent. I hate it. I can do it & I do it fairly well but I don't want to be on my own. Poor DS. It's so hard to manage work & being a good parent & deal with other problems too.

Hope the sertraline helps, mother. Give it a bit of time and be kind to yourself

Hope you are ok nananina. And thank you for your support too Fourthousand.