To just drink myself into oblivion

[Rescuemerescueme]

Im halfway there anyway.

Posted previously about throwing out DH and his Nan after practically begging him to ask her not to come because I think I have PND and I don't know her and just felt I couldn't cope. I also have a lot of other stuff on, having a breast lump investigated amongst other things. His family have treated me like shit before and he let them.

Yesterday was trying to talk to DH. He is pretty good in general and helps out a lot but he has been violent to me before and although it was years ago I fear he will do it again. He hates me talking about it and doesn't talk about anything or his feelings at all. I brought up the fact that not only was he away working when his nan was here but he wanted to attend a work social that he said he couldn't avoid. I said I feel angry because I felt this was selfish of him and he could have avoided it. He said 'well, what if I wanted to go?'

Anyway, the conversation carried on for a bit then he went to bed. This always happens and nothing gets resolved. This morning he wanted to just pretend nothing had happened and go out for lunch. I refused.

It's all culminated in him yet again saying how awful it is being with me and how he cant stand it etc. I told him if that was the case to leave and take his things. He just left. I packed his things in bin bags and told him to collect them. He did.

Anyway, I have drunk a bottle of wine and now vodka too. I just want to drink and forget about it all. My husband has come back to look after the baby ( and has also just walked in and taken my vodka away) but I really just can't cope and don't know what to do. I have never ever drunk like this before and I feel ashamed, but I have self harmed and also taken pills before. I am trying to avoid this by drinking but I suppose this is just another form of self harm.

I don't know where to go from here. I feel a strong need to stay in control and doctors never take me seriously. Medication hasn't helped in the past ( I have a strong history of depression) and I am extremely good at putting on a brave face.

I am also breastfeeding and now my baby will need formula, which I feel shit about. I am just a failure all round and a shit person.

Just to add, I hate myself for putting up with his shit. I never thought I'd be someone who their husband beats up and bullies.

OK the important things are - is your DH looking after the baby right now? Is he likely to leave again? How much vodka have you had?
You are not a failure all round or a shit person but you are ill and it sounds like your DH is not being particularly supportive.

I missed the bit where you said he was violent.
None of this is your fault and you are not to blame. If you beleive you are safe to be there tonight I would sleep off the alcohol and call someone to get you with the baby tomorrow. If you think he might be violent, call that person or women's aid now.

I haven't read your previous posts, but I wanted to let you know straight off you're not a shit person or a failure. You just need some help. I am sure others will be along soon, who can give you much better advice than I can, I just wanted you to know someone is listening.

Can you phone a friend to come round? Being alone when you're feeling like this isn't good.

you sound like you need serious help and your husband probably doesnt know how to help you. he is probably struggling just as much as you are as well as being worried sick.

get help

Well its not too late to fix everything. You have a lovely child. get some sleep. A bit of formula for today will be fine. You're H can look after baby while you recover.

This is a blip, and getting drunk was a terrible idea when you have a LO but you know that and I doubt it will be repeated. It sounds like getting rid of him was the best move for you're family.

Once you're sober and thinking straight you can work out what to do for the best.

Stop drinking. Now. Honestly, honestly, honestly... drinking to oblivion will only make everything worse.

Is the baby going to be safe with DH?

Is there anyone you can ring who can come over?

Your baby will be fine on formula and you acn go back to bf as soon as you feel up to it. You are not a shit mum and your baby is the reason why you shouldn't drink yourself into oblivion, or self harm.

You have been very brave. When your hangover is done with, you need to start thinking about how you will get by as a single Mum. Being a single Mum has lots of benefits, in your case the main one seems to be that you won't have to put up with a shithead of a husband. You will be able to get lots of advice and support on here.

You can do this. You can even enjoy it. Onwards and upwards. Start to look forward to a new life where you are in control.

Thankyou. How pathetic that those who can help me most are strangers on mumsnet. The power of mumsnet eh?!

He won't hurt me. To prove a point if nothing else. He's here and looking after the DC.

He's not being supportive and I don't think he knows how. I tried to kill myself 5 years ago. I took an overdose and wandered off into the woods. I didn't know but He followed me and rang an ambulance. He was going to leave me then. His father told him he should. Maybe he should have. They'll tell him to again and this time he will.

I think (know?!) I'm better off without him but I'm not strong any more.

What are the things you are most afraid of? If you break it all down I bet you'll start seeing the wood for the trees.
How much vodka have you drank? Your typing is still very clear - are you still at that point where you feel fairly sober before it hits you? Or did you drink earlier and are you starting to sober up?

If he leaves you he'll be doing you a massive favour.

You're not a failure and an all round shit person, he is.

Is there anybody in real life who can offer you support.

OP if you feel like drinking any more try some of this wine
Enough to put me off wine and chocolate for month :o

Stealth, your ever kind.

I've drank about 3/4 a bottle of wine, not strong wine and I'm not sure how much vodka. Maybe 3-5 measures? I'm on my phone which helps my typing. I don't think the alcohol has hit me yet tbh. I don't usually drink at all.

I'm scared of being alone. I'm fat and old (ish) and I feel like I'll be alone forever. I love my DC so much but I have lost babies and now will never have another. That is part if the problem. DH doesnt want any more children and that's it, he won't discuss it. I feel like my life will never be complete without another child.

Maybe you don't feel strong, but I'd guess that you are stronger than you think. You don't have to do it all in one go. Just one little step at a time.

Do you actually want to split from your husband?

It might be worth making yourself sick if it wasn't that long ago that you drank it. You're going to feel terrible.

There are worse things than being alone. Being with a man who has been violent to you, for one.

do you want to be married to your husband . If so perhaps call relate or arrange a marriage counseller. If not get a divorce.

breastfeeding, pump and dump until you are sober to keep up the supply it doesn't mean a few bottles = the end of breastfeeding.

get your arse down the doctors and get some help for your mental heath and don't leave until the doctor take you seriously.

start drinking water and have something to eat, stop drinking as you will not find the answer but alchol will only make you feel worse.

OP: now is not the time to be thinking about whether or not you are going to have another child.

You need to do something about the treatment you are receiving for your depression.

Can you make a GP appointment for yourself? Can you ask someone to do it for you?

You may be fat and old (many of us are :)) but that in no way means you'll be alone forever. And can you imagine being pregnant with this man again, unsupported and un-listened to? It would be a nightmare.

from the pov of the breastfeeding how old is your child?

OP, I assume you are a namechanger, and your name is rescueme rescueme. We can advise but you will need to rescue yourself from this - and once you've done that you can do anything, including being a fantastic mother to your baby.

Tbh, I don't really want to stop drinking. If I drink I can sleep and then I don't have to think about everything.

I do want to be married to my husband, but I want things to be different and so I suppose that means I don't really. I just can't imagine my life without him. Despite it all I live him and fancy him do much. Even after all this time.

I've no family around and my closest friend has enough problems of her own. Plus I feel (still!) like I need to put on a brave face and stay ion control. Why the hell am I such a control freak?!

The more you drink now the more out of control everything will be tomorrow and the more shit you'll hae to deal with. Are you having trouble sleeping in general?

The baby is over 6 months. I don't think I'll have any supply problems. I don't want to give too much away in case it outs me.

I've always had trouble sleeping since I can remember. The baby still wakes at night but we co sleep usually so it's not too bad.

Right well if the baby's 6m+ I'd not even worry about expressing unless you feel the need to. I'd also not worry about formula
When you say doctors never take you seriously, what has happened in the past?