Birth Trauma PTSD Support Thread

[Iamjustthemilkmachine]

Hello, please point me i the right direction if there is already one of these, but if not I'd like to start it.
My ds was born almost 9 months ago, and finally two weeks ago I was diagnosed with ptsd and will start CBT soon. I have received lots and lots of support from mners in this time and know there are other people in here suffering in the same way, so why not get together and share/moan/celebrate/support etc?
Being diagnosed has helped a lot, even if the assesments have been gruelling, mainly by validating my feelings, regardless of what my experience may seem to others, and by making me feel a little bit less guilty at feelling low, down or sad.
Because ptsd happens because of your own perception of the events I have not included my story here, and still find difficult to write or talk about it, but if it helps you, share as much or as little as you want.

Hi everyone, haven't been here for a while...

Sorry to read about your experiences MrsB24, wish I could suggest something for your nightmares. Hopefully they will start to get better soon.

It's a lonely place sometimes isn't it - feeling this way after giving birth.

I had been feeling lots better with my anxiety over Christmas and new year, hence not writing on here for a bit. But had a bit of a set back recently. I had a physiotherapy app and it was vile. Worse than I'd been lead to believe. The woman who did it didn't really help. She was nice enough, but her manner was strange. Hard to describe really, just not as 'gentle' as I'd like (?!) Her voice reminded me of Janet Street Porter - which was off putting to say the least . Anyway, she wanted me to keep coming back every few weeks. No way. I've cancelled my appointment and ignored her calls today. I can't face it.

To top it off, think I've got some kind of water infection now. My doc thinks probably an irritable bladder, but she's planted a seed of worry about it being related to anything which happened to me in labour. She's warned me (trying to be helpful) that she'll do a pelvic floor exam next time I see her - so dreading it already.

Still waiting on counselling, been on waiting list since October. Urgh. Crappy day. Hope everyone else is feeling better.

Just saying hi to you ladies. We've dropped a couple of pages.

Hope everyone is doing ok, or as ok as is possible. x

Thanks for bumping timetomoveon this is milkmachine with a name change due to embarrasing post somewhere else .

Have you started counselling lovelychops? and Mrsb24?

I am getting on with the cbt alright. Started doing something called rescripting, which involved writting down all the events of the birth. it's 8 pages long! Incredibly draining but also it's been good for seeing events in a more dtached way.

On the other hand my neighbour came back yesterday with their newborn after having gone to hospital just the night before (so less than 24 hrs) and my feelings of jealousy are horrible, and then feel angry with myself for being such a horrible person

I wish so much I could go back in time. Don't really know what I would do differently, perhaps just not read Ina May Gasking in the first place.
I do realize this is very emotionaly inmature as i cannot go back in time, so should just learn to deal with this.

Hope you are all well.

They've had a girl. They've just droped a note through our letter box, why am I crying?

You're not horrible Peas - you're normal. I would have felt exactly the same.
You're crying because you're grieving for what you never got to experience.

Glad that the CBT is going well though. I wrote out mine for my sons 2nd birthday and shared it with a couple of friends. I found it very very hard but ultimately, it did feel better to have done it afterwards. Hope it helps for you too.

Thank you timetomoveon, i know you are right. Wow, very brave of you to share it with friends, glad it helped in the end.
Today has been a better day, I am working on identifying negative thoughts and treating them like a tantruming toddler (that's the cbt metaphor!).

Hope it's OK to mention it here but people might not see it otherwise. I've put a post in the Media/Non-member requests section of Mumsnet for women to talk about their experience of PTSD for a book.

That's ok kimthomas, thanks.

Can I join in, very belatedly. I was traumatised after difficult first birth a couple of years ago, and despite a good second birth I'm still really weighed down by difficult life events right now. Just started some counselling and taking St John's Wort. Really like the idea of treating negative thoughts like tantruming todder Peas. I feel quite well qualified for that!

Welcome gooddaybadday. Sorry to have you here, really. Let us know how the counselling goes.
The tantruming thing is actually quite good, but perhaps the best thing that I got from las session and which has made a huge difference was the realization that everyone has negative thoughts, it does not make me a bad person to have them and feel so bad about them, so this week when I've felt overwhelmed by these emotions I tell myself that they are ok, I am allowed to feel this way and don't need to fight them or punish myself for thinking them, and it works wonders, I feel almost at peace and can carry on without having a mayor breakdown everyday.

Hi gooddaybadday. Hope the counselling goes well.
Hows the cbt going, peas?

Well this week in the ttmo house has involved my dh booking a doctors appointment for me. This is huge. I've only been to the doctor once in almost 4 years (since ds was born, obviously) and it involved a panic attack and hysterical sobbing. But I'm absolutely desperate to find out if I can have another baby. Part of me wants them to say I can't as then I won't be able to - it won't be me choosing not to face it, if that makes sense.

So the doctor is a week on Thursday and it's already caused some moments of anxiety (bit of an understatement!). A friend suggested that I allow myself 15 minutes a day to worry about it and that seems to be working well - I seem to be able to get hold of myself enough to tell myself that now is not the time to worry about this and I'll worry about it at 7pm.
Whether that will still hold up when the appt gets a bit closer, we wait to see...

Wow ttmo, I get what a huge step this is for you. It's good that it's not too far away so you don't have days and days of worry. Are you in the UK? Do you know what will the appointment involve? Do you want more children? I understand this is a difficult question, sorry if overstepping.

The cbt is going well, i feel today that I've turned a corner. We are starting tomorrow the reliving and rescripting and i am ready for it, while a few weeks ago it would have been terrifying. I really feel that I can control my emotions, I get that horrible feeling when my mind goes to a dark place and i find an acceptance that means i don't dwell in there (unless I want to, which is weird but happens some times). I've been thinking so much about what I didn't get to experience, that marvellous miracle, and honestly thought that I'd like to be a birth partner for someone, and witness it even if i could not do it myself, or perhaps train as a doula (no idea how to go about this or if i really would like to do that, it was just a positive moment).

Please let us know ho the doc goes.

Hi peas :)
Not in the Uk, no. Elsewhere in Europe - towards the Eastern end. The appt is with an obgyn so I've no idea what it will involve. I'm not sure if I'll even get past talking tbh but I am (a bit!) overdue a smear but the thought of that is enough to push me over the edge atm.
Do I want another child? Hmmm, yes, no, I don't know. What I really really want is to be able to go back and have my lovely boy back as a little baby but without all the hideousness that clouded his first 2 years. But that can't happen. I'd love to know what it feels like to hold your newborn baby, to have that moment of joy but there are no guarantees I'd get that anyway and I'm not sure that's a good reason to have another baby. So I guess I don't know :S I'm 37 so time isn't exactly on my side. I suppose once I get through this (or not) at least I'll know if a) it's even possible and b) whether I can put myself through it or not. If I can't get through this appt in a half decent state then there is no way that I would get through pregnancy and birth.
Wow I went on a bit there, sorry!

Sounds like you're doing to brilliantly with the cbt. I hope you get to be a birth partner and experience that moment :)

Very good luck for tomorrow ttmo. Do let us know how it goes. sending you some very unmnty hugs.

Hello, this is peas. I started having a knitting name when I first joined and then changed and changed again and only now decided that I am ready to go back to knitting! (a bit like going back to being more myself iyswim).

How did it go timetomoveon?

Difficult questions, sorry if I proded more than I should have.

Hi - sorry I didn't update after my doc trip.
Everyone keeps changing their names ;) Perhaps I should change mine as well...

Sorry to hear you've being finding sleep hard MrsB/hobnobs. I wrote mine out - it took me a few days as I had to keep leaving it and going away before I could carry on. It really wasn't a great process while I was doing it (obviously) and immediately afterwards it didn't seem to make me feel better but over time, knowing that it was somehow out there did start to help. So in all honesty, if you're already feeling really low then maybe now is not the time to write your birth story out. Writing letters to those you are angry with, however, might be quite different as I suppose you don't have to go through the whole thing from start to finish; you only have to do the bit that applies to that person iyswim.

As for me, doctor went as ok as it could do I think. I had a pretty tricky time in the days leading up to it but I did it. I went in and tried to quickly explain that I wanted to know if it was possible for me to have a baby. I quickly explained the very basics of ds birth and that I had suffered from ptsd as a result and that this was my first visit to the obgyn since. She seemed a bit brusque to start with and I wasn't sure if it was going to really go very well. Anyway she says well lets do an ultrasound to check my remaining ovary (I had the other removed after ds was born) and we'll do a smear as well (smear is about 5 years overdue ). Had just about held it together and then sat on the bed and I saw the stirrups and I just started crying. I couldn't put my feet in the stirrups - too many memories. She then suggested that I wasn't ready and I needed some more therapy. I got even more upset and then managed to calm myself down and said, no I want to try. So I had a smear. Deep breathing. No crying while she was doing the smear. Then she did a vaginal exam and then a vaginal ultrasound. She pronounced my remaining ovary as looking healthy and said that there was no reason why we couldn't try for a baby if we wanted to. While she was doing the smear I asked her to tell me what was happening at each stage and her and the nurse spoke to me and each other in English the whole time which was great. One of the things that sticks from when ds was born (he was also born overseas but elsewhere) is all these people talking about me while I have no idea and understanding of what is going on and what they are about to do to me before they do it.
So she suggested that we go for it. However, dh has now decided that he's not sure. In all honesty, if I'd have known that he wasn't sure then I would never have gone to the doctor tbh. But at least i know now that I can go to the doc if I have to.

So I guess, overall, I'm kind of doing ok atm. We'll see. It's ds birthday in 3 weeks so that always throws things a bit off anyway.

timetomoveon, yes you did it, after how many years? you made it to the doctor. I understand completely how not understanding what's being said arround you is stressful, poor you. So what do you think? do you want to do it all again? they do talk of the healing powers of a second birth. Tempting.

MrsB24 did you change names back? So sorry about all my name changes! (I am both peas and milkmachine....
Sorry sleep is difficult, but writting the letters sounds good, I'd relish that, might do it even if not prompted by my therapist.

I am doing a lot better, even though ds's birthday is soon. I can't believe how late he was, and to be honest just wonder how i didn't go completely mad waiting. i guess things are so much better this year that that makes me feel more positive.

Hi k2. I'm not sure tbh. I do, I don't but mostly I do I think. How I would actually cope with being pg though, I'm not sure.

When is your ds's birthday?
Glad to hear that you're doing better, though :)

Hi timeto, on the 13th of this month, he was 17 days late, after induction on day 15.

I know what you mean although I don't know what happened to you. How old is you ds? I used to think i would love to be pregnant again, given that i had such a wonderful pregnancy this time, but now have begun pittying pregnant women and feeling glad I am not them, I guess I have found this past year pretty tough and i am glad it is almost over, I do not wish a bad birth and a newborn to even my worst enemy, that hard i found it!
I do dream of a vbac though, but also wonder how I would cope if it didn't happen. People do speak of the second cs being a better experience, but I don't know. And second babies are bigger.
All in all i think i am beginning to come to terms with not having any other children, I guess I have discovered also that I am not the motherly type I thought I was. But if you want to, that's different, woudl you like to talk more about it here?

Can i ask a question? today at cbt the therapist wondered if I had considered filing a complaint to the hospital, it would be a complain directed at one midwife, but I don't know, have been thinking about it and think that i don't want to do it because I don't want to kick up a fuss, but that is totally the wrong reason, isn't it? the therapist thinks it could be good for me ona personal level, but also to have someone who behaved wrongly made aware of it in a official way. what do you guys think?

k2 I'm totally the 'not kicking up a fuss' type of person as well. But in all honesty, I probably should have kicked up more of a fuss. I think sometimes it feels easier to just try to go along with things whereas actually, it would probably be better for us in the long run to kick up that fuss and let people know that it's not ok. So I know it's easy for me to say yes you should but I know if it was me then I wouldn't do it.

My ds is almost 4 (21st of this month). I totally lost the plot around his 1st and 2nd birthdays. Last year was certainly easier but I have come to accept that that day will always be the anniversary of the worst day of my life, as well as his birthday. I had (sort of) come to terms with not having any more children but over the last 6 months I have felt this growing urge to have another baby. Hmmmm not sure what I'm going to do really. Need to get past the birthday first, I think.

Just popping in to wish k2's ds a happy birthday for tomorrow. Hope the day isn't too hideous for you, k2, and there are some moments of happiness in the day

MrsB - I do kind of feel better for getting the appt out of the way. It was kind of there, knowing that it was something I had to be able to do at some point so that feeling has kind of gone now. Oh and I got my smear results back - all good :)
Last year the birthday wasn't so bad. It was the first one since treatment. I spent a lot of time forcing myself to think about it - I was sort of mentally pushing myself to see how much I could deal with I think. I did have a bit of a cry but the first 2 years has nightmares, panic attacks and flashbacks so anything is a world away from that.

Hope you're both doing ok x

Thanks for the birthday message timeto. Well obviously having treatment made a difference for you in regards to the birthdays, and it definetly had for me, it wasn't anywhere near as bad as i thought it was going to be and had no flashbacks, thanks mainly to the cbt techniques. All in all it was alright!
I'm glad all is well with you and your smear and your chances of dc2, what have you decided? I think it's be normal for your dh to be worried about you going through it all again, I know that even if I really wanted another one i'd have a tough time convincing dh given that this first year has been so difficult for both of us.

MrsB24 if you were to have another baby and you would not be allowed to labour the chances of the baby getting so far down that a cs would fail are very very small if not infinetly tiny.
I know it's really hard to find time to knit with a baby! now i know why people used to make everthing before the baby arrived!
How is the sleeping these days? I really hope your therapy is working, I feel so much better with mine and it isn't finished yet, so if you are not feeling better I would really push for cbt or emdr (emdr being first option as it works so quickly).

I haven't decided about the letter yet, and believe it or not, have not had time to discuss it with dh.