What were your symptoms of depression?

[anchovies]

Over the past month I have started feeling really tired, I could literally sleep most of the day and have got a twitch in my eye. My concentration is poor and I generally feel like I am underwater and everything is going on around me.

I went to see the doctor last week because my palms had started itching and I had blood tests for liver function, glucose, thyroid etc. At the same time he prescribed citalopram in case there was nothing medically wrong. I started taking it on Sunday after a really bad weekend.

Blood tests came back fine so it now seems like I actually need the citalopram. I think in my head though I was sure it was going to turn out to be a thyroid problem or something? I just don't think I have the symptoms of stress/depression/anxiety? I don't feel depressed, in fact I don't really feel anything? What are the typical symptoms? Should I go back to the doctor or persevere with the citalopram?

Do you have a mirena coil? I only ask because apart from the itchy palms, I developed these syptoms after about a year of it being fitted.

My experience of depression was, as you say, not really feeling anything. The absence of emotion rather than the presence of sadness. JK Rowling based the Dementors in Harry Potter on her experience of depression - they suck away the ability to feel anything - very bleak. A bit arty farty but this speech from Hamlet always described it best for me:

I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercises; and indeed, it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o?erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire,?why, it appears no other thing to me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours. What a piece of work is man! How noble in reason! how infinite in faculties! in form and moving, how express and admirable! in action how like an angel! in apprehension, how like a god! the beauty of the world! the paragon of animals! And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust?

So basically saying, I know the world is amazing and humanity is absolutely incredible, but I just can't make it mean anything to me anymore.

Have you lost all your mirth? That is depression for me. No joy in anything, even the things you know 'should' make your heart sing. Some people describe is as 'being like stranger in your own life'. IF there is nothing physical wrong, it might help to find someone to talk to. And do you do any exercise - it really can make enough of a difference to kick start a change. But go back to the doc if you aren't satisfied - and change to a more sympathetic one if you're not taken seriously. IT might be something else and if it IS depression, just prescribing drugs is an easy answer from the doctor's point of view but you might need to work out what you are feeling so empty - drugs not always the answer in my experience.

Thanks for the idea DukesOfTripHazard, no mirena coil though :)

Issynoko - that is me exactly, thank you! I do feel like a stranger in my own life, like something is lost. I didn't think I had lost my mirth but now I am thinking about it that describes completely how I feel. The things I always liked to do, (just basic things like running with the dog, cooking, reading) I don't want to do anymore, but it has been such a gradual thing that I didn't realise. I thought I should feel desperate (or as a minimum unhappy) to be depressed, not just not feel like "me".

Do you mind me asking what made you feel better? I am not sure whether I should be forcing myself to do things? I think I will go back to the doctor, he is very approachable and helpful. I have private medical insurance so could ask for a referral to a counsellor or someone similar? I am just so desperate to get back to normal and have some energy again.

I don't know if it helps but I didn't feel depressed, just really really tired. And I was irritable, ridiculously so in hindsight, kept losing it with the kids. Still don't feel energetic but have improved a lot on citalopram.

Has anything happened in your life? Changes you might be reacting to? Anything you can unpick in the recent past - or maybe a bit longer ago where instead of taking time to reflect (as if we have the luxury of such time!) you just kept going? You think you're OK but your emotional energy is being sapped and you don't notice until it's all gone. It will come back I'm sure! But you might need to have some time to work it all out - and it might be a counsellor could help. Has really helped my cousin recently. Some depression is reactive - might that be the case?

Terrible irritability
Recurring negative thoughts
Memory loss
Unable to think clearly or make decisions
Tiredness
Anger
Negativity
Unable to laugh or find any joy in anything whatsoever
Not wanting to speak to people
Just wanting everything to go away
Sometimes wanting to die

I had/have some of those symptoms hidden home, but I know that anxiety and depression can manifest itself in different ways for different people.

I had a major depressive episode last Easter (3 months on psych ward) and still not fully recovered with fairly frequent "blips" lasting anything from 2 - 15 days. My depression manifested itself in extreme anxiety (medical name for fear) bouts of crying, feeling worthless, feeling I should be able to do something to get better, no motivation in anything, unable to enjoy everyday life, unable to eat, ashamed of people seeing me in this state, and suicidal thoughts.

But that was major episode and it may be that the OP has mild depression. I think that what happens in depression is that it affects people differently and the drugs which might be successful for one person, don't act the same on the next person. I reckon it's a deceitful illness cus it makes us think things about ourself that aren't true.

Hiddenhome you've described everything I feel. Had Pnd and a bout when dm was critically ill. Recently I've been feeling the same way again. I am really worried. I cannot see joy in anything. And think the world would be better off without me. I seem not to be able to do anything right and make everyone sad.

Dh doesn't understand or even try to understand.

Just want to curl up in a little ball and hope it all goes away

For me it looks like this....

Terrible irritability - if I am honest - real anger problems/screaming at kids
Recurring negative thoughts - "catastrophising"
Memory loss - so bad I got sacked
Unable to think clearly or make decisions - so bad I got sacked
Tiredness - exhausted even if I had slept for 20 hours - when I was working went to bed on saturday afeternoons
Anger - see above
Negativity - about myself, crippling confidence crisis, children, friends
Unable to laugh or find any joy in anything whatsoever - have even lost the pleasure of taste
Not wanting to speak to people - hide away, respond by text rather than call, never answer the phone
Just wanting everything to go away - and everyone to go away
Sometimes wanting to die - not quite but wouldnt give a sh~t if didnt wake up tommorow

Oh Mulranno - this could be me writing that list (only thing is my kids are all adults) so get angry with DP instead. I am retired but your last 4 symptoms I have exactly the same when I am having blips as the medics call them, meaning being ok for weeks at a time (6 longest) and then waking up feeling like shite - no warning - totally unpredictable and they can last between 2 and 15 days (average about 10) Am told by conslt psych that I will just have to "work around them" - I am a naturally gregarious person and an extrovert so that when I am a trembling wreck who jumps when the door knocks or the phone rings and hides under the duvet it is just awful. I know you know how awful it is.

I really and truly believe that it is only people who have suffered this horrid illness can understand it. I too think of suicide - just like you not so much killing myself but not wanting to wake up or having a heart attack so that I wouldn't leave my family and friends feeling guilt about it.

Thanks to all the posters on here as it is one of the best threads I have read by so many of us saying very similar things.

Thank you Issynoko for the Hamlet quote, so very true.

ADs have helped me enormously but haven't stopped the blips. Are any other sufferers on this thread taking ADs.

Exactly the same as hidden home and mulranno. With added insomnia (going to sleep fine but waking up at 4am with a head full of thoughts for 2 hours).
I also had major anaemia when they did blood tests too, which partly accounted tor the foggy head and inability to think or make decisions.
Citalopram didn't suit me at all so dr put me on fluoxetine and 2 weeks in I'm beginning to settle down on them.

Issynoko - I have been thinking today of something you posted recently about depression not really being feelings of sadness but the absence of emotion - as JK Rowling says "the ability to suck away any emotion" (didn't know JKR had suffered depression. You also mentioned people saying they feel like "a stranger in their own life" and when I am depressed I am always saying in an anxious voice "this isn't who I am"

Your description of the absence of emotion rather than feelings of sadness has been something of a revelation for me - and I have read so much about depression. I always feel flat and empty when depressed but hadn't quite got around to thinking of it as an absence of emotion, so thank you.

Would anyone on this thread be willing to say how you get through the day when depressed as this is something I often wonder about.

I get waves of utter misery/tearfulness. I cry most days. In between, I feel nothing - spaced out, underwater, can't focus, can't make decisions. I sort of wander around my house, trying to do basic things but everything takes ages and I am continually distracted.

I am tired, especially in the evenings - I can fall asleep at 8.30, but I don't let myself as if I do I wake up at 5. Even staying up later, my eyes fly open around 6. I have crazy vivid dreams - not nightmares, just loads going on - so I never feel rested after sleeping.

I have terrible negative thoughts. The world feels not only generally bad, but specifically against me. I have flashes of unreasonable anger but mostly I accept that I am unlucky and unsuccessful.

I don't want to speak to anyone, go anywhere or do anything. I feel lost and disconnected.

With regard to getting through the day, I have routines (e.g. I watch a certain TV program at 7 every morning, or on +1 at 8 if I have managed to get back to sleep). I make myself shower and dress after watching it. I also make a list of things I need to do, even really small things, and do them and cross them off. I keep the house really clean, tidy and organised. When I am better, I make myself go to exercise classes and see friends. I'm not doing that at the moment though (back injury, and am too depressed to see people). I do make myself go out, even if just to walk around, as since I've been unemployed I have no reason to leave the house and this is not good. I try to find ways to do nice things for other people but if I am too low to see anyone that's hard!

Thank you so much for starting this thread anchovies. I hope the replies have helped you as much as they have me. I have just been diagnosed with postnatal depression 13 weeks after the birth of my second daughter and after a particularly desperate day today it has been reassuring to read that I am not the only person suffering such despair. I thought I was 'just' unable to cope with the tiredness that goes with mothering two under two until I started suffering from memory loss, anger, irritability, anxiety and feeling like I could just get in my car and drive away from my children, my husband and my life.
A sympathetic health visitor and an online test (Edinburgh score) have finally made me realise that what I'm feeling isn't the 'usual' reaction to being a mother of two (as I'd tried to convince myself was the case) and actually an illness which I'm hoping to overcome over time with CBT (starting tomorrow) and perhaps antidepressants.
Apologies for hijacking your post, just wanted to say that I'm so pleased to have found this thread and indeed this talk topic as I don't feel as alone and as desperate as I did a few hours ago.
Wishing you all well x

People have said such interesting and thoughtful things here I feel silly mentioning this, but have you checked your vitamin B12 levels when you tested thyroid etc?

My symptoms are

No energy
Want to sleep during the day but not being able to sleep at bedtime
Irritable and snappy
Quick to anger
A hollow/clenchy feeling in my stomach that doesn't go
No interest in reading
No interest in anything, really
Compulsively reading the internet as a kind of brain numbing escape.
Sticking my head in the sand wrt to anything irl.
Wanting to view extreme images on the internet (I think subconsciously in an attempt to actually feel something) This started when a lady jumped in front of a train in my vicinity.
Drinking too much.
Being reserved and withdrawn wrt to Dp, the more I withdraw, the more he cuddles and seems to pamper me. If I am normal he seems to ignore me, vicious circle time.

Oh god, fucked up or what.

Also I do feel like I am travelling through life through a thick pane of glass. I am not really connected to anything, I am free floating behind it.

Since my Mother died I care less and less what other people think of me. I just float through life, I try to give the appropriate responses to people, but really like Homer Simpson said the real world gets fainter and fainter every day.

The thing that gets me the worst is that I am getting more and more intolerant of my children. My eldest is acting out and I have no clue what to do, I really do just want to cease to exist.

OhMyGolly I could have written that myself! Avoid the temptation to Google, never a good idea with these sort of issues.
Years age I ended up on Seroxat and that got me out of the anxiety ocean I had gotten into. I am resolutely NOT going back to meds..but fear I should.
Main symptoms :
Lethargy, lack of interest, anger, not caring, snappy and generally lacklustre.
Oh dear, full house.
I drink so I can sleep but, sadly life is only getting more stressful. The next few weeks will tell all, if I can cope with what is coming then things will only get better, right now I'm shakey.
None of you are alone, there are many of us. We may hide behind a happy persona, but we are here. Maybe we could all help each other? Sometimes we can share in these places more than in RL.

Similar to so many others.
Extreme exhaustion. Could sleep 20 hours a day if allowed.
Extreme irritability
Extreme emotions - tears for almost no reason.
Constant raging, negative thoughts, ranging from frustration at everything to suicidal, depending on strength of problem.
Paranoia. Thinking people hate me. (They probably didn't exactly love me at the time - not easy to be around a depressive!)
feeling useless, a waste of space, taht others would be better off without me.
Massively over thinking and over worrying about the children and every tiny detail of their existence.
A dullness.
Every single tiny thing was like a mountain of effort. If I dropped a fork when laying the table, picking it up felt like a marathon. So house got out of hand.
Endless procrastination, especially at work. Unable to make a single decision or take a single action.
When it got severe, I also had these two freako tendencies:
Feeling I didn't exist. There was a body that moved around in space but the person had gone.
Feeling I had no right to feed or wash that body as there was no one inside it.

Bloody hell. Reading this makes me love love love my citalopram!
Citalopram made me feel not just OK, but like 'me', like I could finally, instinctively behave like the person who for years and years was trapped inside this virago of screeching emotion and tears and exhaustion.

And just to counter all these lists of woe, feeling normal feels like this:
Content to wake up in the morning.
Capable of getting on with housework and laundry even though it's boring
Taking massive, frequent pleasure in small every day stuff, like cute or funny things the kids say, or cuddling the cat, or even just finding nice fruit when shopping. Small stuff.
Interest in the world around and a level headed response to it, not catastrophising.
Enjoy small talk at school gates and indifferent to the self-styled elite mums who snub.
Able to laugh at silly stuff and tv and DH.
Looking forward to future and enjoying making plans.
Energy and patience to deal with kids' homework and squabbles. All in perspective.
Enjoying work and on top of it.

Such an interesting thread.
I wont repeat my list of symptoms as its so similar to everyone elses. And the lack of emotions is absolutely true.

Ive had recurring episodes of depression/anxiety since original PND 12 yrs ago. Ive also had issues stopping AD's but im beginning to wonder if what i need is an ongoing low dose (higher doses seem to make me worse if anything.)

When im ok I have successful career, confident, very practical/resilient. When im not im unrecognisable. Before PND i had never had any MH issues.

Someone asked about getting through the day. When I have a 'blip' I try and break the day into smaller chunks - seems easier to bear. And I really actively try and quieten down my mind. Sort of imagine all of the stress/cortisol flooding my head - and try and dampen it down. So do easy puzzles (cant concentrate too much), read rubbish magazines, gentle walks, crap tv (nothing difficult or upsetting), tapestrys. I also do breathing exercises. (4 breaths in, 6 out).

Anger
Pain in hands and feet
Suicidal
No personality
No confidence
Hated myself
So tired
Insomnia
Couldn't make decisions
Crying
Desperate to connect with people but couldn't
Communication was terrible couldn't say what was on mind
Felt trapped in my own head
Had no joy in life
Felt lost
Alone
Anxious

I never want to go back there

This is a very interesting and I don't know whether this is the right word for it but, it's comforting to share these experiences after all one of the worse facets of depressions is that dreadful feeling of being completely and utterly alone.
I've had depressions/anxiety every since I hit puberty, I'm sure its partly hormonal and partly emotional as I lost a very dear family member around the same time. My symptoms were;
Complete apathy but then on another day I would FEEL everything IYSWIM
Moodiness
Horrendous temper- including throwing things, shouting, screaming.
Self-harm - borderline suicidal thoughts
Hatred of myself
So many thoughts I couldn't think straight.
Couldn't form a coherent sentence - this still happens quite a lot, its actually got worse over the years. I desperately want to say something, I've got the words in my head but then all of a sudden everything goes completely blank and I can barely form words!
Tiredness
Muscle cramps
Inability to deal with a slightest change to my routine

This is really therapeutic but when you look at all the things that you had to go through, its really scary.I am currently on 20mg of Citalopram and it has definitely improved my quality of life but the anxiety is still there and I still suffer with panic attacks. For me, counselling also really helped, possibly because it help me feel more in control of myself, of my thoughts and emotions. Whereas when they gave me pills it wasn't a conciousness decision of mine, it was just somebody else's decision. Does that make any sense?
I hate being tied down to the pills though but they've had too much of a good effect to want to get off them. Sending (non-patronising, shy and awkward) hugs to everybody!!

Priestess, why do you hate being on the pills? I know so many people who are ashamed of taking meds for depression, who wouldn't feel shame at having insulin for diabetes or an inhaler for asthma. I do too. Only a few people know, and I used to even travel to a nearby town to get my prescription as I didn't want village shop assistants gossiping.

I've stopped caring about that now, though. We don't have to perpetuate the stigma. However you come by the illness, whether from circumstance or natural lack of the right chemical balance, it's OK to get medical help to feel healthy again.

I know, I just hate having to wake up everyday and know that if I miss one, or if I don't get my prescription done in time, that I'll feel awful and end up back in square one. Feels like I'm chained. I'm on pills for an under-active thyroid as well and I feel the same with them too. I think I just hate feeling that there's something wrong with me!