What were your symptoms of depression?

[anchovies]

Over the past month I have started feeling really tired, I could literally sleep most of the day and have got a twitch in my eye. My concentration is poor and I generally feel like I am underwater and everything is going on around me.

I went to see the doctor last week because my palms had started itching and I had blood tests for liver function, glucose, thyroid etc. At the same time he prescribed citalopram in case there was nothing medically wrong. I started taking it on Sunday after a really bad weekend.

Blood tests came back fine so it now seems like I actually need the citalopram. I think in my head though I was sure it was going to turn out to be a thyroid problem or something? I just don't think I have the symptoms of stress/depression/anxiety? I don't feel depressed, in fact I don't really feel anything? What are the typical symptoms? Should I go back to the doctor or persevere with the citalopram?

When I've had depressive episodes, I've felt it's like being stuck at the bottom of a deep, dark pit. I can see the blue sky, clouds, sunshine etc above me, but I can't reach them. Someone might throw a rope down to me, but I can't climb out. How deep the pit is depends on how depressed I am.

And a big ditto to feelings of worthlessness, apathy, irritability, numbness.

What helps get me through is mindfulness. To cut through the static in my brain. I might go outside and really concentrate on the feel of the breeze on my face, the sound of birds/traffic/distant voices, etc. Or drink a cup of tea and focus on the rim of the mug warm and glassy on my lips, the taste of the tea, the warmth of the steam on my face. Almost like meditation I suppose.

Also, reading the book "I Had A Black Dog" is incredibly helpful, not just for me but those around me who had to deal with my being depressed.

My first bout of depression pre baby started off in a sea of tears, heightened anxiety about everything from people dieing to falling down a flight of stairs developing almost virtigo. It ended in the numb emotionless feeling that others have spoken about so much so that i would contmeplate driving in to theb central reservation on the M way just to "feel". This went on for about 2.5 years. i went to councelling which was a little helpful, i didn't wish to take more AD's after trying one dose of citalopram but this is purely a personal choice and I don't have any judgements or opinions on those who do.
My PND was lack of bonding, resentfulness constant tiredness and a general feeling of being low, This lasted about 18months, i again went to councelling.
On the topic of AD's, and I speak only from my own experience and POV. I feel that many GP's are too quick to prescribe and medicate women in particular. Obviously if your MH is so poor that you feel like or are trying to self harm/ commit suicide then clearly this needs quick medical intervention. however, I do think that more hollistic approach is preferable in most cases and I wonder if being on the AD's would hinder the self refelction needed for a longlasting work through of the issues behind the depression. I'm trying to develop new coping strategies for different triggers but also to accept thbat there may be times when the depression comes back but to see it for what it is and know that my case I am lucky that it has been transient (if you can call 2.5 years and 1.5 transient).
Sending out positive vibes to all. x

please have a look at the linden method- it really worked for my daughter adn just makes a lot of sense

My first post here, i have had 2 children in the past 4 years, i find being a parent very stressful at times as i suffer with hormonal imbalance most of the month which has always given me depression at it's worst. When my second child was 8 months i had very vivid suicidal thoughts and got very scared, i was not coping and screaming at the kids more than i was happy with. The doctor put me on Citalopram, at first this was a challenge as i kept this from my partner, soon the citalopram did the trick altough i battled fatigue on the drug i felt i had no choice, it was working, it really got me through a bad patch in my life and i could cope and enjoy my children. I then got the Merena coil implanted which was a disaster, i did not realize but it took over the good effects of citalpram and i stopped taking the drug thinking it was not working. I started exercise, bikrtam yoga in fact and felt so good, although i could not shift weight the merena coil had made me put on, i then discovered it really was the merena coil that was bringing me back down that horrible road again. I removed the merena coil and instantly things improved, I opened up to my husband and he now helps me find the time to exercise and get my body to a state that i feel happy with and this also helps me mentally. I still struggle some days and it's very hard to fit it all in, they are still so young 2 and 4 but it is getting more enjoyable and easier, it's a tough game having two small children, i think my lack of sleep and constant hard work and lack of being able to keep physically fit threw my hormones everywhere, i have had a bad week last week but am going to the gym tomorrow and am pushing through each day the best i can, i cant wait for christmas and am really focusing on the positive things about parenting now that i am feeling much better it's possible, when your mind has not the strength help is essential. I am writing my experience because i really learnt from others on the net, i am still in the thick of it but i do see the light through the trees most days, just wish they would wake up after 6 am lol

Brilliant thread and as someone has said, there is a comfort in knowing that you are not alone with this horrid illness. I am surprised that so many of us are listing the same kinds of symptoms - although I'm not sure why I should be surprised.

Alixdee - so sorry that your symptoms have returned - this again I think is the nature of the beast. Were you on meds before and did they hlep. If so maybe you need to see the GP to get meds to get you through this episode.

I am a big believer in ADs as I think they were a life saver for me - am also having counselling but find that less helpful. However, whatever helps is worth pursuing.

Thanks for those who talked about how they got through the day when depressed. I hate gettting up when I am having bad days - have to force myself out of bed to get showered etc Mornings are much worse for me, especially now that I can't sit outside with a coffee. I found sitting in the warm sun was a wonderful mood booster. I then sit on the laptop as it means I am interacting with people but not having to face anyone. Force myself out for a short walk and maybe call on my loyal friend, who has seen me at my worst, and an hour lying on her sofa is usually restorative. Then luckily my depression usually starts to lift around 6 - 7 so evenings aren't too bad.

I also cry and moan to my DP and he holds me which makes me feel better but sometimes none of those things work and it's just shite, and I feel people would bebetter off without me. I note many posters have said that.
I try to remember a sentence I read in one of the many depression books I have read "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" and a very close friend telling me that if you commit suicide, you pass on the pain that you have felt to people who love you.

forgot to mention, i have been taking cod liver oil high strentgh for mood and sea kelp with evening primrose and agnus castus, apparently all of these really help with mood and hormonal imbalance, this month felt slightly easier with the combination of exercise and naturalo remedies, fingers crossed x

i just read your post nananina, i feel very sorry for you, my depression has always come and gone and is hormone related but i have been bad a few times in my life usually due to not realizing that i cannot take oral contraception or any other artificial hormones that the family planning dish out. I wrote my post today because i have been feeling it creeping back, still trying to get balanced after coming off AD, i also feel good in the evening, and feel guilty for it being a parent, it's when they are in bed! Bless them, i think alot of thr problem for most women with young kids is we need a bloody break, just a day to ourselves, even with the gym i have to rush there and then back, somedays i just cant be arsed but know it'sthe only way for me, otherwise im comfort eating and wine drinking, only just managed to stop smoking! I really did feel that yoga helped me tremendously, makes me feel good and gives me some space.

Having read your posts I can relate to what you all say.
I've just done an online depression test and it came back severe depression :(

10 years ago my dad committed suicide and I put down all my sadness and negative feelings to this. I now realise that what I feel isn't normal grieving. I feel really scared, I know I should see my GP but worried about what they'll do especially with having children.
I'm also worried about having to disclose mental health issues to work.

My symptoms.

Everyday is a battle to get through.
Feel sad/cry most days
Feel worthless
I have no self esteem whatsoever
I make excuses not to see friends
I leave for school run late deliberately so I don't need to see anyone
I feel shattered all the time but it takes me hours up fall asleep
I don't cut myself but I use tweezers to mark/scratch my skin - not sure if this is self harming exactly.
I have no motivation to do anything
If I could stay in bed everyday I would
Feel I'm a waste of Space
I know I wont ever commit suicide as I know how it affects loved ones but
Wish I could just get away from everything.

My dh knows I feel down, have no self esteem but doesn't know about the scratching etc.
Does depression ever get better on its own?

YAY!! for citalopram.... The nearest to feeling slightly normal since I started this medication. Ditto to ALL the above symptoms, would have found a way out by now if not for the medication. :) (Alcohol exaggerates the effects of depression)

I have taken great comfort from reading this thread.

I haven't felt 'right' since having my DD 3 years ago. I put off going to the doctor and put it down to new baby/hormones etc. Even when the Napier questionnaire said I should see someone, I didn't. A good friend is a doctor and kept gently telling me that I really ought to go to my GP as she thought I had PND.

But I didn't because I didn't feel like that all the time. So when I felt fine, I thought that "it" had gone. Then it would come back. This cycle pretty much continued.

My main symptoms are anxiety, unable to cope with trivial things (eg going to pieces because the washing machine has broken down), inability to make decisions, procrastination, horrible thoughts, apathy, lethargy, guilt, feeling worthless and more over, feeling completely and utterly out of control. I feel like the slightest little thing could tip me over the edge. I don't feel down as such but no longer get much enjoment from things I used to enjoy such as reading and music.

We recenty got a new car and I was petrified of driving it, terrified I'd have an accident, hit something/someone, get lost (wtf?), breakdown (but we've got breakdown cover), get a puncture. The first time I drove it I was shaking and sweating and I think that was the point where I realised that I really need to do something as I realised how uncharacteristic such behaviour is for me.

I never used to have PMT apart from maybe feeling a bit ratty and short-tempered for a day or 2. But now, the week before my period I feel so much anger and rage and all the other symptoms are magnified.

I did an online depression questionnaire (Goldberg?) and was really shocked that it ranked me as having moderate to severe depression.

Anyway, I went to my (lovely) GP today, burst into tears and told him how I'd been feeling and he's prescribed me Citalopram 20 mg. He's said I should take it for 6 - 8 months before we think about reducing the dose or coming off.

I'm really glad that I've done something but I am really scared about taking these pills as I'm worried that I'll feel worse. I plan to take the first one before going to bed.

Dillydollydaydream - I got a little confused as your post was followed by someone called dollydaydream believer and I thought you were the same person. Dillydolly your list of symptoms is absolutely classic of severe depression. I could have written that list 2 years ago. The answer to your question about "does this get better on its own" I think is NO. I am not a medic but have suffered 2 major episodes of severe depression and know how unbelievable horrid it is and only people who have suffered this understand it.

You say you are worried what the GP will do. Well I would be mightily surprised if you were'nt offered anti-depressants and they can be really helpful. Thing is they take a couple of week or so to kick in and you can feel worse before feeling the benefit, and because they act differently on different individuals, you sometimes have to try more than one to find the one that suits you. A lot of posters on here are on citalopram (known as an SSRI) AD and seems to be the drug of choice with most GPs, maybe because it is so effective. Maybe though you may need something with a sedative effect as you are finding it hard to sleep (though that too is a classic symptom of depression)

I am so sad to read on these threads that so many young mums are scared to go to a GP re depression fearing that their children will be taken into care. This is absolutely not the case. I have spent 30 years of my working life in children's services for a LA, including child protection issues. Am now retired. The only way social services would be involved is by way of support (and that is highly unlikely) given that they are overwhelmed with work and real child protection issues. I don't know if you know that 1 in 4 people will suffer from mental health difficulties at some point in their life.

I suggest you copy that list that your wrote and take it with you to the GP. You really really must take that step - please. You can't go on like this and I 'm sure you know this. You will almost certainly burst into tears, which is fine, that's certainly what I did. Maybe when the ADs have started to work, you may be able to be helped by some counselling/therapy related to your dad's suicide.

Finally you will not be telling the GP anything he/she hasn't heard before over and over again. Over one third of patients visit a GP with mental health difficulties. SO if you read this tonight please pick up the phone tomorrow and make an appointment asap. Let us know how you get on.

You won't always feel like this - though it's hard to believe that now. Depression is a deceitful illness and makes us think things about ourselves that aren't true. Take care and sending warm wishes.

Hi Deux - well done for getting to the GP, and don't be scared of taking the AD - most people start on a low dose. You probably know they can take 2 weeks or so to kick in, but the sooner you start them, the sooner you will feel the benefit, so long as it is the right one for you. It is true that sometimes you feel worse when first starting them before you feel the beenefits, but there are very many young mums on here who arehugely helped by citalopram. If not, there are many others to try - it is a case of trial and error which is frustrating but anything is better than feeling this horrid illness.

NanaNina, thank you for your kind words.

Dillydolly, one of the reasons I put off and put off going to my GP when my DD was smaller was my fear that Social Services would get involved and that i would be deemed an unfit mother. So I do understand that fear.

I took a list to my GP and really I didn't get very far as I burst into tears in the 3rd sentence. I really didn't have to go much further than that really as I rarely visit my GP I think he knew it was a big issue for me. I really wish I hadn't put it off for so long.

Nana Nina, please give some advice? Our child was in care most of this year. We were not offered support first. They did not think the real problem was a problem - that we find it hard coping with dad's depression. Dad loves child more than anything, but has all symptoms listed. Is on medicine but not sure is taking full dose as makes him feel sick. He won't talk to anyone as scared child will be taken away again. Now child is home again we have BRILLIANT social worker instead, but he's not fully trained and I worry incase he tells the ones who are so attached to wrong end of the stick. When he is bad I get stressed and can't sleep. Child gets naughty, makes him angry. I cry, they think I'm being abused and not cooperating when I say he would never abuse us. Child was taken mainly for potential emotional harm caused by my having mental health problems (this was refuted by psychologist, cpn, therapist, 2 gps and not agreed with by anyone at all.) Main mental health problem social work thought I had was exaggerating/inventing problems. We just need some help, but I don't know what to do, as their previous responses were so unhelpful. (We got involved with social work before, when baby because worried about his depression, and child put on supervision. Huge over reaction and nothing was done to help with things causing stress. One of the emotional abuse things was his talking about suicide infront of child. I don't think he'll do this again, but he's going on about being worthless/useless/piece of shit and we hate him and I don't know what to do? Please believe there is no real problem, no real abuse. Just Dad's depression and me not being able to cope with it

Clarify. He THINKS we hate him, but we we love him so much, he's brilliant brilliant dad when he's ok, and the most loving man anyone could want, but he can't see that

for me depression was
paranoia
procrastination - i couldn't even make a decision on the tiny things never mind the big stuff.
poor attention and memory
anxiety - sometimes i couldn't even answer the door or phone. I really feared the phone.
no sex drive
felt ugly, worthless
scared my baby would get ill or die
insomnia
no appetite

hey OP that sounds more like a deficiency illness than depression. do you have another other symptoms? Might sound like a strange question but how's your diet?

Dillydollydaydream it won't go away on it's own but it will go away and you can and will get better. go to your gp and ask for help. you don't have to feel like this. good luck x

inability to think of ANYTHING I would like to do.
NO joy left in anything

Thank you for the advice and reassurance.
I know I MUST go to the GP. I am really worried about that first step.
I am also worried that I will see the GP, get AD and still not feel better.
My dad was severely depressed after losing his wife and mother, he was on sleeping tablets and AD's, he was also sectioned.
Unfortunately during the day he went back home and ODd on his medication :(
I'm unsure whether he had not been taking them and saving them to commit suicide or he had a prescription large enough to enable him to do this despite being sectioned.

Sorry if that's a bit mumbly!

Thanks again all.

Butterfly - have PMd you - hope this is ok.

I am in counselling with relate £35 a time and only i will go. My husband started this online/facebook affair also meeting her outside our house everynight. He has ended it but now says he was unhappy anyway and is not sure if he wants to stay.
After 32 years of marriage and being with him from i was 15 i am in bits. Of course i want him to stay, kids, family want him to stay. But he won't commit to anything so we are all left in limbo.
Waiting for the moment he just says thats it. There is no one that can help so if i want him i have to wait and wait which is driving me mentel.
He won't talk to me or not at least anything that makes sense. this happened in August and ended then. Nothing physical happened but his head is a mush.
I am begining to think he has depression but he won't see a doctor.

He is worried about who knows as he has always been great and well thought of.

He is tried , started drinking in the house (more) doesn't seem to have any feeling, memory loss.

All this change happened in 2 weeks, but he thinks nothing is wrong just his feelings

For me many of the above especially the irritability .. My poor dc's have taken it all as I'm a lone parent.
Very tearful so much so that my toddler ds one of the 1st phrases he learnt was "what's wrong mummy"!!

For me over eating too .. Binging usually don't know if it was for comfort or self harm.

Not feeling like I could cope with life, finances, responsibility etc.. The slightest hiccup would leave me so low & tearful.

The feeling of just wanting to disappear leave everything behind & the peace & calm of death was attractive but always the thought of what it would do to my dc's stopped it becoming more than just a thought.
Finally plucked up the courage to visit GP on Monday & started on Sertraline... Don't know why it has taken me 2 years to visit GP.. Guess I felt like I'd be giving in to it & should be grateful for what I have & plod along. GP was so kind though.

It's really good to read that you're not the only one with this horrible illness.

I won't repeat all the symptoms that have even mentioned, but one that I don't think has been mentioned (sorry if I've missed it) is that when I have a bad episode, time goes really, really, slowly. It's awful. It's like all the symptoms are bad enough to deal with on their own, but the fact that the days are twice as long as good days just make it 10 times worse. I hope that makes sense!