would i get in trou le?

[APieOfButter]

I have a little stash of left over coedine, i still need every now and again for spd, but i've been using it sometimes as a home made tranqulliser. I ran out of diazepam, i've just got one that i keep in my purse in caee i have a panic atrack, i thi.k it doez a lot of good knowing it is there, i'm scared to ask for more in caee they say no and take away the one i have, so i have coedine or just one sleeping tab in the day time. Only about once a week, not all the time. I keep thinking i should say something, but i don't want to be accused of mis using medication as they might takw it away.

The moment you are using sleeping tablets as a tranquiliser in the day and codein as a tranquiliser you are misusing medication and damaging your health. I suspect that you are addicted. You should say something and get some help for this.

I woul also guess that the only about once a week is probably very optimistic.

No, seriously, i wS just counting up. My memory is shot, but i can think of maybe four times in the past 10 weeks ( we moved houyde then, thats how i know where i was)

I'm feeling so ill, and i tell people and they ignore me. Although i dont know what they would do.

the coedine is mostly as an intended side effect - eg tonight my spd was playing up, so i needed pain releif anyway, but i chose to take 2 because i was seriously not dealing with the kids and i knew it would calm me down enough to be able to get them safely to bed.

I keep changing my mind though, eg last night i decided to never have any pills ever and hid my normal ones (couldnt be bothered explai.i.g myself, so thought of just pretending and revealing when it was safe) but then took them plus 2 sleeping tablets and was in bed by 8. care coordinator cpn says the sleeping tablets are a low dose and not to worry about addiction, as more important to get sleep.

I'm not taking sleeping tablets or lamotigine tonight til dh gets home tboygh, so i stay awake enough for the kids. I know i wouldn't do anything daft while i'm in charge of tgem anyway. They were giving me funny lokks tonight though, esp dd1. Beeaks my heart.

I think the fact you are worrying about it, shows that it may well be a problem for you.

For some people, me included, it can be comforting knowing you have a few sleeping tablets in the cupboard "for emergencies", and that knowledge itself can be enough to calm you and you don't need to take them.

If you find you DO need to take them, and regularly then you may well have a problem with addiction. By the way, your care coordinator is wrong to say don't worry about addiction. It is a big big problem with these tablets.

When I was given a load of temazepam when I was really ill, I knew they were becoming way too important to me when I started counting them every evening and working out how much I had left to last me. Also hiding them away from DH. At that point I knew I had to give them up and I handed the packet to my CPN. Best decision. The temptation was taken away.

I'm considering ringing crisis, or at least ringing the office tomorrow and stamPing my ffot a bit. Thing is, i don't even know what they could do. I feel awful.

Was consideri.g telling them i need stronger pills but i won't do- seems it would be a bad idea. i think care coordinator was trying to get me to take the sleeping pills more often as i was only taking them once a week and i can very quickly get very ill if i don't sleep.
It's odd. Even though i've been feeling so bad, cc took me and another client/patient/ whTever to a film doodah about the eip service and i was really aanoyed at it as it made it seem like the best we could hope for was a work placement or a special scheme, which is just bollocks. But i don't know if that has turnex what was alreaxy a bad time into a terrible time. I'm honestly starting to think I'll never be bettef and thats not depression, its just true. I mjght have time off from it but I'll never be able to make life hoices without this habging over me.
Iwanted to home ed the girls. I wanted a degree and a career in social work or some such. I wanted to campaign against poverty. Now i know if i start anything, within a couple of years ill mess it up by having mania and getting all sekf important and disinhibited. I've lost so many friends and aquaintences and got barred from so many places by being a twat when manic, and it could happen at any moment. If i feel hPpy, i worry it has started. If skmething unusual happens, i worry it is a delusion of some kind. One of the mIn reasons i take sleeping pills etc is so i will be too drowsy to do anything stupid. The girls need me to be at least alive.
Dh is home now, so ive gone up to bed and taken my mood stabilisers, but i'm somehow het up and drowsy at the same time.
Is there even anytjing that could help?

Oh, and addiction not so much of an issue given thT i'll be on some form of mexication forever anyway.
I'd be fucked in a zombie situation, unless i hid in a pharmacy. Although i suppose mania would be useful when fighting zombies.

Pie do you think you are starting a mania right now? Your pressure of speech seems very high and your writing is full of typos and normally it isn't. If so please do ring crisis team.

Well i rang them. Answer phone. now the baby is crying. Why isnt dh hearing her? Im going to have to see to her. My palms are sweating.

You're right about typos. I thought i was depressed, but you might be right. Breathing faster then usual.