All my life I have been hit.

[queenoffairies]

My birth parent, my foster parents, my ex partner, and for the past 5 month my 14 year old ASD DD.

I just want out. I don't know what else to say or do.

Hi :)
A cyber hug to you firstly :)
I am sorry to hear that you have been everyones punch bag for all of your life :(
Your ASD DD you can get help with.
Are you in touch with Autism Outreach or a support group at all ?
Does your child have a statement in school?If so those resources are not just for education, you can tap into them also.You need support to manage your DD behaviour.This is something you CAN address and can get help for :)
Do not suffer alone hun , you have reached out on here now reach out to the groups of parents who can show you that you are not alone and this can change :)
Have you got a social worker that can help?
The long term affect is that regardless of the ASD diagnosis, your DD can not continue as an adult striking out, she has to be "taught" if not as she gets older she "Might" and I am saying only "MIGHT" end up with all sorts of problems with police or need to be cared for in a residential home?
So long term you need to address this for you will not be around all the time and she can not be allowed to lash out .
You need to start having more confidence within yourself and to remind yourself that in the past you could not change the way people who "should have been" looking after you and keeping you safe let you down :( Your daughter you can work with and you can get through this.
Keeps us updated and I wish you all the luck in the world :)
Keep strong x

Thanks Hunterswish.

DD does not have a statement, she has only just been diagnosed, but has a long standing history of problems at school. I am just so tired of fighting them (the school) to get them to provide support. DD was referred to CAMHS, and went for a few weeks - but now refuses to go back. SHe is not violent all the time, just if she is frustrated with something (generally school). But, what that means is that I am constantly trying to stop her from getting frustated - which means walking on eggshells. Something I thought I had left behind when I left my ex. Dont get me wrong, she doesnt go all out and attack me, it is just a punch or a slap - but I am worried that it will escalate.

If I am honest about the way I feel - I feel that even from as far back as being a baby, there was something so intrinsically bad in me that I didnt deserve to be cared about - and that carried on to my adulthood. And now, I feel that I am so useless that I cant care for anyone else either.

I am so sorry for wallowing, I do have long standing depression, which has kicked in majorly these past few month.

ok you have taken the first steps :)
CAMHS is there for both of you ..you can do work together and they can help. The refusing to go is her age and you are the parent, so ask them to help you with getting her there.

Now she has a diagnosis, now you can approach the school and speak to SENCO and ask what action they are going to take?
If you feel you can't do it alone then is there a parent support attach to the school? We have Parent Partnership in my area and they are a God send :)
They act as the go between with you and school and do what you want to happen for your child and more importantly do all the talking !
The school need to take steps to enable your daughter to get the right help now you know she is ASD.
If you still feel unable to do this then again in my area we have Autism Outreach who go into school and monitor what help your child will need in school, they help teachers with strategies to help with her education, her understanding and her structure of the school day etc.They also support the parent. Have you joined any groups yet so you can meet other parents?
Also you can find youth clubs where she can meet other teenagers like herself.Teenage years are hard enough as it is without being ASD. :)
Also she may very well be entitled to DLA and maybe an increase in tax credits.
So that's the practical stuff out the way :)
Now turning my attention to you :)

You could not have changed someone else's behaviour in your past :(
I hear what you are saying hun, if no-one loved and nurtured you where or how can you have the skills yourself?
You are not to blame, firstly and secondly your daughter is how old? :)
You know the difference between right and wrong and you have already shown great strength by leaving your violent ex :)
You feel so low right now and you have been honest enough to admit your depression is back.You know what steps you need to take for that, so maybe a visit to the G.P? This time how would you feel about getting some counseling?
To work through your issues?
You are a survivor hun :)
You need to look after you and get you back on track and then take on the school and get your daughter all the help she will need :)
Raising a child with ASD brings its fair share of challenges and you need to know what this will mean for your daughter and for you .
I won't lie to you , it will be a hard old slog now, ASD is a learning process.You need to get your strength up and then you will be able to address all these new avenues :)

Oh last thing, there is no such thing as "just a slap" :( You are her mother and frustrated or not she is not allowed to hit out. The advice I have given you . I hope will enable you to learn new tools to help with your DD behaviour?
You can do this hun :)
Just small steps , slowly slowly :)
here if you need to chat take care x

queen your feelings of being intrinsically bad are classic abuse effects. I've had them (after good therapy and lots of support not so much anymore now) and most of the other women i know who have been abused.

It can be because the adult being abusive told you that you were bad or because you drew the (for a child very logical) conclusion that the problem had to be with you, it could not possibly be with them. Because if they were deliberately hurting you the world would not make sense. And if it was you who was bad at least you could try to make it better.

But you did not deserve to be beaten then and you do not deserve it now. You deserve all the help you can to manage your daughter's behaviour. And you deserve help for you too. You need counselling to help you see that you are someone who is allowed to be here and who is worth care and kindnes.

thanks madmouse. Rationally I know it was not my fault, but then (as in at times like this) I can't shake the feeling.

I think what started me off this time was when my mental health sw showed me my risk assessment for a direct payments review. In that, she has stated that there is "high significant risk of abuse/exploitation". Am I that much of a screw up that I need to be protected from myself?

Sorry, my head is all over the place, I think I have some kind of bug and keep getting the shivers - which is probably why I feel so low. My DDs (14 and 4) arent here either, so I am alone with my thoughts. Which aren't really helpful at the moment.

No you are not a screw up. I do not consider myself a screw-up - I'm a proud survivor yet vulnerability to further abuse is a big thing. When I was 19 and vulnerable in my first year at uni I was befriended by an older married man who pretended to care for me a lot and abuse me again sexually - I had no idea of boundaries at all. It did not occur to me to say no. In the middle of therapy it occured to me that if the Lord had not sent me such a good egg for a dh I could have been in serious trouble as I still lacked personal boundaries.

Calling yourself a screw-up sounds like blaming yourself where others did the damage.

That makes so much sense, thanks madmouse - and so sorry you have experienced similar. Good for you for being a proud survivor!

Queen

(((Hugs)))

I won't be-little you by posting advise as I am afraid I have no experience so anything I could offer would seem trite.

However, please know that there are people out there who will listen and offer (un-biased) support. Please feel free to PM me any time for a rant, or natter. I'm good at nattering.

(((Hugs)))

Queen, so :( to hear your story.
I have not much useful advice, I think Hunterswish has covered it but have you had counselling yourself?
There are useful techniques that can help you to unravel the feeling of innate "badness" that you seem to suffer from and once you realise that you are an innocent, you can place the anger and hurt exactly where it belongs - back on the people who chose to hurt you. Your DD is of course a slightly different kettle of fish - she has her own problems and probably isn't actively choosing to hurt you - just lashing out and you happen to be there.

Just as an interim, perhaps you could invest in a punchbag that she can have in her room or somewhere she can go by herself - then she can take her frustrations out on that instead of you. I would suggest you get a proper, gym sized one if you can because those tiddly desk ones are even more frustrating if they won't let you hit them hard enough.

You might find it therapeutic for yourself as well - if you haven't yet had counselling and start it, you might like to feel as though you're getting some redress on your abusers - and a punchbag can be very useful for that. Alternatively, big pillows work fairly well.

Just a quick post to say thanks for your kind words. Am poorly in bed with a water infection, so will post properly later.