Has anyone left their partner and children?

[mazfah]

I need help/advice, although I don't know if this would be better in MH.

I'm not coping with 19 month old DS. Really not coping. I cry every day and hate my life. On the outside it looks 'perfect' - we have an active (toddler group) social life and are financially comfortable. I hate it though. I have struggled with MH problems before and knowI need to go back to the CMHT but can't bring myself to. I'm so embarrassed.

I told DH that I wanted to leave yesterday. His response was that 'we'd have to put DS into foster care'. DH works full-time and I am a SAHM but am looking for any work at the moment. Anything to get me a life of my own. I want to leave DS with my parents if DH won't take him. I can't look after him anymore.

It's just the shame if I leave. I know I'll probably have to leave the area as I'll be That Woman Who Left Her Child. It has nothing to do with DH, it's entirely that I can't cope with being a mother.

I just wondered if anyone had ever left their DC and what the reactions were and how it felt. I probably won't miss him. I don't have any feelings at the moment apart some sadness.

DH isn't great at communicating but is mostly supportive. He's not very good at taking the baby without pressure or unless he's with his mum. He studies too so lots of his evenings and weekends are taken up with that. I play a sport three nights a week and he stays in so I can go so I do get time out.

I just feel trapped. I can't get away. I just want to go. I'm so so sad all the time.

You sound really sad and desperate.

Blunt question: Are you sure the problem is your son, and not your husband? He sounds very uncaring and unsupportive. Would you cope better with your child if your husband was more on the ball, do you think?

I do agree you need to speak to your gp about how you feel.

My mum left me and my siblings. we never got over it.

and now that i am a mother, i still don't understand it.

You need to get some help and support PLEASE, it isn't your fault, but you have to be clear that if you leave it will have long lasting consequences.

From the point of view of the child it can be devastating and stay with them their entire lives....

ok, x posted.

Please go and get some support - from your family and from your GP.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about - your resources are just depleted - having a small child and a lifestyle you are not comfortable with, that's hardly surprising.

It's definitely the baby. If I left now he wouldn't know. He'd forget really quickly. My husband has a lot on and can't be around anymore than he is because of work and studying, which he's doing for us. He's offered to take the baby to his mum's for a weekend.

I know this sounds really defensive but I do think I'm not cut out for motherhood. I can't deal with it. The baby has a very good life, he has everything and we're out everyday doing things. He's not emotionally or physically neglected so I know I'm still functioning at a 'normal' level, I just think I'm going to crack. I've thought about killing us all.

Shit, this sounds really fucking bad.

I know I need some help.

I hope they section me.

sweetheart, you dont sound very well!, i think the best course of action is for you ALL to see your gp!, your dh needs to understand how desperate you feel, you sound like you need to have some support maybe from other family members or friends - they cant help if they dont know the extent of the problem! - dont be embarrassed, no-one with any empathy or feelings would judge you!, those that do arnt worth knowing!

fwiw - i have known 3 women who have left their children, in EVERY case they regretted it and as the children got older the problems and relationship with the mother were terrible!

My parents do know. They both work full time but are local and are very good at taking the baby. I have a lot of family support but I am not one of life's 'copers'. Small things break me really quickly. My parents and husband have taken time off from work to be with me and the baby but there's only so much time they can have. I'm looking into putting the baby into nursey one day a week and my mum is going to try to go part time from April.

Everyone is trying to help but it's still not enough for me. I'm ruining everyone's lives. Surely it's better for the baby to stay with people who appreciate him and ebjoy spending time with him? I hate being alone with him. I hate doing all the playing in the park stuff. I don't enjoy him at all.

I know the next step is my GP but I can't pick up the phone to call. I think if I went they would laugh as I have been given so much and still can't help myself.

My friend left her husband and her son. She felt very much the way you do right now, walked out and thought she was doing the right thing because she wasn't 'cut out for motherhood'. She soon realised how much she missed her son but it was too late. She eventually lost the custody battle and the son lives with his father, she sees her son every other weekend and 7 yrs down the line she still feels her mistake.

Please get yourself in front of the GP, you don't need to feel ashamed about your feelings. Take care. You seem like a really good Mum.

I felt like this at times when my oldest child was a baby. It was relentless and dh was very little help. I had not bonded with him and felt the whole thing was overwhelming. If I had known what it was going to be like, I was convinced I would never have had children. If I could have "returned him", I would have done.

In the end, I went back to work and I laid it on the line for dh. It was OUR choice to have a child and therefore OUR responsibility. Going back to work was a life saver for me as I got to be me rather than mummy. DH had to step up to the plate and take some of the responsibility or I said I would leave him - and I meant it. He had made no changes in his life but expected mine to grind to a halt - not on. If I was you, I would arrange nursery care and get a job - any job asap.

I don't think these feelings are uncommon. However, they do pass. When ds was 6 he had an accident and for a while we thought he might die. I realised then that I could not imagine living without him.

I'm not a good mum. On the surface everything is rosy but how I feel about him isn't normal. I want us all to die. I want there to be an accident so it's not my fault. My sister killed herself so I realistically don't think that's an option as it would be hard for my parents to look after the baby and I don't want him to be unhappy but I don't want to look after him. I know I'm contradicting myself.

I can't see a way out.

I am desperate for a job. I've applied to over 20 in the last month. I would take anything offered.

It's reassuring this is a common thing to feel.

Maz, you think you aren't a god mum because you are suffering MH issues. You clear;y care for your baby, you don't neglect his needs etc.
Please make the call, the first step is always the hardest. If someone other than you made the call to the GP and got you an appt would you go to the appt?

You really aren't ruining everyone's lives - you are having a hard time. Your GP will not laugh - they deal with people in these situations all the time.

It is best for the baby to be with you, but surrounded by other people who enjoy his company, just until you enjoy spending time with him more - it will come. If you leave, believe me, his abiding thought will not be, 'my mum left me but I'm glad because I was with people that enjoyed me', it will be 'my mum left me and I can't shake this feeling of rejection'.

Motherhood is so tough and sometimes there seems to be so little support. But please get help and don´t leave your ds. You will regret it. I think your dh needs to realise that pitching in with childcare is just as important as earning money to keep you all.
Many men throw themselves into work as a kind of an excuse to get out of childcare or else a sense of pressure to provide for the family. Understandable I guess.

You need help for the bad health that is afflicting your brain.

Once you have that, you can make a sensible decision about your future role in your sons life.

You can't make a sensible decision without getting treatment first.

Please go to your GP

Mazfah, your feelings are not uncommon. 19 months at home with a baby is a real achievement - something to be proud of - but maybe you need a break?

I'm so sorry your DH isn't more supportive (agree with other posters that when you feel better, you may want to look at that, perhaps with a counsellor?) but right now would you consider getting out to work full or part time? Not really about earning money but giving you some control back.

Or could you and your DH somehow afford to put your DS into a nursery more, eg 5 half days per week, so that you have a bit of time to yourself each day?

In the meantime, please please pick up the phone to the GP. For all of your sakes.

But what about those adults who had emtionally cold mothers and feel bad because of that? Is one worse than the other? I barely speak to him. I hate the crying. The battle to get dressed. The lack of sleep. The breastfeeding. The nappy changing battles. He won't stand still. He won't sit down to eat. I can't go out for coffee with other mum friends because of him. He won't sit in his buggy. We're out everyday in the rain/snow/wind and I hate it. At least the weather is getting better. He won't stay in and play or do activities.

My mum left us to supposedly get on her feet, find a flat etc, for a start she had a real battle getting us back off my dad's family, secondly I never forgave her and thirdly yes she did have to leave the area because yes she was talked about.

You've had great advice here, I can't help feeling the DH is more of the problem than the baby.

I think that most people who say they have PND, don't. However, in your case, I would say that you almost certainly do. Please go and see your GP immediately.

You can stop breast feeding now if you've had enough, if it's a chore. It's ok to say I don't want to do this any more.

I do want to go back into work. I have a place for uni in October. We volunteer together 2 afternoons a week. Haven't be able to find a job that doesn't mean I pay out more on transport/childcare than I earn. Beacuase of my MH prblems I have a poor work history and although have held down jobs my CV isn't great. It's very competitive at the moment. I would seriously take anyhting, I'm not being fussy.

Yes the advice is great. I know the next step is with me. I will call today. Thank you all.