Has anyone left their partner and children?

[mazfah]

I need help/advice, although I don't know if this would be better in MH.

I'm not coping with 19 month old DS. Really not coping. I cry every day and hate my life. On the outside it looks 'perfect' - we have an active (toddler group) social life and are financially comfortable. I hate it though. I have struggled with MH problems before and knowI need to go back to the CMHT but can't bring myself to. I'm so embarrassed.

I told DH that I wanted to leave yesterday. His response was that 'we'd have to put DS into foster care'. DH works full-time and I am a SAHM but am looking for any work at the moment. Anything to get me a life of my own. I want to leave DS with my parents if DH won't take him. I can't look after him anymore.

It's just the shame if I leave. I know I'll probably have to leave the area as I'll be That Woman Who Left Her Child. It has nothing to do with DH, it's entirely that I can't cope with being a mother.

I just wondered if anyone had ever left their DC and what the reactions were and how it felt. I probably won't miss him. I don't have any feelings at the moment apart some sadness.

Oh do fuck off Babyborn. Does the OP really sound like she'd let herself fall pregnant again?

You clearly have no idea what it is like to feel the way the OP feels so if you have nothing supportive to say then take your judgey pants elsewhere. Please.

Go away BabyBorn. You obviously know nothing about PND. Everyone else is giving supportive advice and trying to help. Why make nasty comments like this?

Mazfah, well done for going to the GP and I hope things improve for you very soon.

Can your parents help? My aunty had similar problems, and my nan ended up raising her grandson till he was about 4 years old. My aunt got better.

xx

er, yes, babyborn. I may have depression, but I'm not a prejudiced idiot like you and I'll stand by that statement.

I found it a little odd that OP was talking about killing her, her husband and the child

yet in the next breath is annoyed that paying for childcare will mean she has no summer holiday

hmmmmmm

btw babyborn, I love your ignorant implication that somehow MH problems equate to stupidity. Sheer idiocy again.

I guess all depressed people need is a good slap in your book. Best of luck with that strategy.

The thing is babyborn, a thread about whether harsh words are useful could be interesting (COULD be) but this isn't the thread, is it? And to be fair that isn't the tenor of your first post, so you're misrepresenting yourself quite disingenuously.

luscious, when people are severely depressed they can often think about death in ways that do not seem logical to someone like yourself. So piss off and stop judging.

Its funny how you can all "relate" to OP but not identify and see a point to my comments because you may feel im being harsh or you feel im having a dig, it looks like a few of you have suffered from PND or MH problems yourself. As they say, PREVENTION is better than CURE, and to prevent this situation from happening again GP should speak about contraception and such like. This is fairly obvious.

OP is clearly very unstable, and is a potential risk to herself and her child, as she has stated herself. I hope you manage to get the help that you need OP.

we relate to her, Babyborn, because frankly she sounds saner than you. She's said nothing on this thread about wanting another baby but you come in banging on about contraception. She's doing her best to deal with the baby she has. Why don't you go and do the same, frankly, and get your uneducated nose out of the details of lives you have no understanding of at all.

People get depressed. Deal with it. Frankly, I think people like you who spend their time judging others and makingg illadvised 'risk assessments' about issues they know nothing about are concealing their own problems behind a veneer of superiority.

Babyborn can you clear something up for me.

In your second post are you saying because when i give birth to my first child and i developed an illness called PND and that i have to take tablets to get better than i personally should not have another child?

People get depressed. Deal with it. Frankly, I think people like you who spend their time judging others and makingg illadvised 'risk assessments' about issues they know nothing about are concealing their own problems behind a veneer of superiority.

Depressed??? allegrageller, OP problems sound much more severe than mere depression! Didnt you read what the OP wrote? Sounds like your on your defence as YOU yourself feel judged by my comments, and nothing to do with OP all all.

er, no.

I have said previously that the OP clearly has severe depression. She has been to see several medical personnel and they, being far better qualified than you, have judged that she is not a risk to her child. She needs help not judgement.

now go back to the Daily Mail why don't you...

Shame Babyborn, shocked by your comment. Think the complete lack of empathy or compassion you have shown may not recommend you for motherhood???
OP many women feel like you, but it is not often talked about, which means that women feeling like this feel abnormal and so feel worse. I felt no real bond with my second child for a long time and felt terribly guilty for it, also remember thinking I am such a useless mum that my family would be better off without me, but please remember that everything that you are thinking at the minute is coloured by exhaustion, sleep deprivation, and also sounds like, depression. You will feel better. I always feel that I grew to love my second child, it wasn't innate, he won me over by force of personality bit by bit, your little boy is just getting to that age when they truly come in to their own, they communicate more, you can really begin to see and enjoy their personality and life also becomes easier. Would second other posters who say knock breastfeeding on the head, only did it for nine months but found it made me feel terribly trapped and resentful, had a much better relationship after i quit.
Good Luck and take care,
I think you have done brilliantly to last 19 months feeling like this
one last thing, then will go, not enjoying the baby part of raising a child does not mean that you will not be a great mother, personally love children not so much babies...

I wouldnt have given this post a second glance if it had been where it should be, in the most appropriate place in the MH section.

Will request that this is moved from relationships thread as it is upsetting and disturbing for others to see in this section.

Babyborn you really are funny now but i think its bad show to highjack a serious thread with your stupidity.

For God's sake BabyBorn leave it will you?

If it "upsets" you, then don't read. Are you a Mental Health professional? No, thought not. Just your everyday interfering twat, who knows jackshit.

Piss off back to wherever.

But this isn't about MH per se- the OP asked about people leaving their family, which is relationships.

Which is a serious weighty issue regardless of how it comes about (MH, economics, affair, etc)

snowdropfairy - I think you are very brave, your experience posted upthread was very raw and honest- I'm sorry life has dealt you this hand but glad you are coming through this- you sound like a very strong person.

mazfah - as someone who chose to stop her 17mo bfing (I was working FT, really needed to get my body back just for me, and DD was having her nutritional needs met fully through her varied diet)- I found it best to cut back daytime feeds first week (she had full fat cows milk in a sippy cup), then 2nd week I dropped the morning feed- I would take her straight downstairs for porridge/milk as soon as she woke, not even nappy change () so she would fill her rumbly tummy, then 3rd week I put her to bed 15 mins later so she was really tired offering cows milk in a sippycup, and saying 'Mummy's milk all gone' if she asked for bf.

She got the message very quickly, and never asked after the first night, and she was a complete milkaholic.
I hope it works for you... it made a huge mental difference to me as I wasn't chained to her 24/7 any more... which sounds just awful putting it in black and white, but it really does get you down after a while. At 17 or 19mo, they do understand when you explain to them that they're going to have cows milk now.

It does sound like you need a bit more support from your husband. Mine is pretty good when it comes to sharing parenting/childcare but even so there were times when I would have given anything to walk away, including thinking the unthinkable that you talk about in your 3rd post. It isn't rational thinking, but you know that, and you're getting help which is fantastic, and a huge step forwards.

It does get better- I promise. The first few years are so hard, they really are. I got out of the fog, then (oops) had another baby... but 2nd time round you sort of know what you're doing, and my 2nd child was a dream baby compared with my v high maintenance 1st child.

Good luck!

babyborn - do you really expect people not to react when you suggest someone shouldn't become a mother because they have suffered depression in the past? Have you any idea how ignorant that sounds? It's a treatable illness. Very few people go through life without some form of mental or physical illness that for a period affects their ability to cope every day. It doesn't mean we should put our lives on hold. Having episodes of mental illness doesn't mean you're unfit for responsibility for ever more.

Didn't you note that the OP, despite being in the pits of illness, has kept her baby clean, fed, socialised, and makes sure he sees family and gets fresh air every day? That's way more than most foster carers could offer, way more than a lot of loving mothers give their children. Clearly she can be an excellent mother, even under extreme duress. The dangerous and violent thoughts she has are not acted on. She's publicised them here in order to get help, she's trying to make provision for her child to be safe if she thinks he's at risk. When she's well again, she'll see how loving and attentive she has been, against the odds, and I hope she takes pride in that.

Sounds like you have no experience of how to assist people with mental health issues. if you had, you'd know that kicking someone when they're suicidal is not a practical or effective method of help.

Maz, so glad to hear you're getting help. Make no important decisions, except to arrange for temporary help, until you feel well and back to your normal self. And by the way - there is so much light at the end of this tunnel. I had severe PND. It was undiagnosed for four bl**dy years. I love my children, love our life, love my husband, my job, our home. Most of all I love love love family life and the late bond that grew between one of my DSs and me is unshakeably strong. You deserve that happiness too.

I don't agree that your DP is behaving badly. Sounds like he's working hard and very scared and overwhelmed by what's happening. His comment on foster care might just have been a misplaced attempt to scare you. Don't walk out now, when you're ill. Get well. When you feel strong and happy (and you will - keep on at the GPs until they find the right meds for you) only then ask yourself if you want to leave this all behind.

I am appalled to read some of the posts from BabyBorn.
Mazdah ignore it and know you have support from the rest of us and are not judged .
You are doing your best and people like BabyBorn are totally insensitive and obviously have never suffered any hardship at all. They are naive and selfish. (BabyBorn)
Who does she think she is?
What goes around , comes around !!!!!
When life turns on its head for you BabyBorn then maybe you will humble yourself and feel vulnerability and depression. Your post BB are not appropriate here. I suggest you do not post here again.
Judging people like Mazdah is very wrong .
Mazdah needs support and kindness, not insensitive rudeness and arrogance.
BabyBorn is unkind and just plain unpleasant.

Dear all,

Thank you very much for the support, advice and kind words. Now it's all 'out in the open' (or on an internet forum anyway) I feel much more focused as to what I have to achieve, for me, DS and DH.

I'm really trying to concentrate on the lovely times I have had and will have with DS instead of dwelling on the struggles. He really is a lovely boy, very friendly and happy. I think I was/am fighting against what my life is now and find it difficult that I can't just take myself away when I need to. DS keeping me here at least means I can't return to my old destructive patterns of behavior.

I noticed a 'hmmmm' further up the thread refering to what I'd said about harming my family and then subsiquently a summer holiday. The only reason I'm addressing this is because the thought of someone trolling on a subjuect like this, especially with all the brilliant help and support on here, is abhorrent to me. This is a genuine reach for advice and when I'm feeling ill I operate on a kind of 'double-think'. It's pretty common as far as I'm aware.

Although I don't feel well I have less anxiety because I know that everything is moving in the right direction. I'm not as desperate at the monent and although I still have the sadness I also am not despairing as much.

Thank you ever so.

Glad you are feeling better today.

I was told that i would have good days and bad day but i would not go down so far as i was before, its true.

Please keep posting and talking to everyone you can as it really does help.

Mazfah, pleased to see you're feeling better. Keep venting on here rather than bottling up. Your DS sounds lovely.

Hi Mazpah I have a ds too of 2.4, still b'feeding too and just wanted to say that about the same age as your ds, I put him into nursery for 2 half days. Same as you I found he had longer naps while feeding, and I wasn't sure how naptimes would go at the nursery. It was fine and he slept there, such a relief, it has helped a lot. Hope that for you the nursery time will be supportive in that way too. They are lovely but such hard work in attention etc at that age..it was like having a helping hand and I found making sure I did something nice like a swim watch a film (something you can't do when they are around) or having a coffee and people watching helped...so try not to use the time just job applying etc, or housework (slthough cleaning can be suprisingly therepeutic..hope it all goes well for you and glad that you are finding having a plan goood