Has anyone left their partner and children?

[mazfah]

I need help/advice, although I don't know if this would be better in MH.

I'm not coping with 19 month old DS. Really not coping. I cry every day and hate my life. On the outside it looks 'perfect' - we have an active (toddler group) social life and are financially comfortable. I hate it though. I have struggled with MH problems before and knowI need to go back to the CMHT but can't bring myself to. I'm so embarrassed.

I told DH that I wanted to leave yesterday. His response was that 'we'd have to put DS into foster care'. DH works full-time and I am a SAHM but am looking for any work at the moment. Anything to get me a life of my own. I want to leave DS with my parents if DH won't take him. I can't look after him anymore.

It's just the shame if I leave. I know I'll probably have to leave the area as I'll be That Woman Who Left Her Child. It has nothing to do with DH, it's entirely that I can't cope with being a mother.

I just wondered if anyone had ever left their DC and what the reactions were and how it felt. I probably won't miss him. I don't have any feelings at the moment apart some sadness.

The GP would rather you went now and could be helped. Better that then leaving it too late and a whole family being upset.
Good luck-i really hope you get sorted

Good luck, come back and let us know how you get on.

Maz - even if you cannot find a job at the moment, could you arrange child care for just a few hours a week. It might help.

You will not be a cold mother - as your child becomes less dependant on you and you have more space to be you, your feelings will change.

I found breastfeeding my son added to my feelings of resentment and stopping was a marvellous experience. I actually think it was a good experience for him too as I think he could feel that I was not relaxed when I fed him. Think about whether giving up would be the right thing for both of you.

Am so sorry to hear your life is liek this Mazfah. You must be really low. I think University full time sounds good and you should go and little one can then be looked after either by parents or in a Creche all day. I wouldnt advise leaving your child. You may regret it in later years and I think that mother/child separation would be in the long run a terrible thing for you son to deal with. It will mess up his head for the rest of his life. No matter how little bonding you feel you have with your baby , he is still you child and you gave birth to him...that is very precious and special. Of course you deserve to have your own life and do your thing, but surely little one needs you because you are his mother. They say a 'bad mother ' is better than no mother...what do you think ?
I hope you can seek help from your GP and maybe try some anti depressants. I hope you will feel better very soon.

Hang on in there Mazfah....you are a good person.>

Hi

I left my son. He was 16 months old and i could not cope i give him to his Dad and i left. I was going to throw my self under a train as i could not cope.

I had PND.

I called my mum, i got on the train and went home my husband then drown my son over to me. I had in the week leading up to this : throw my wedding ring out thew window, hit my husband, held him my his neck agenst the wall, kick a chair so hard i fractured my leg, i throw water over my husband, i wanted to throw my son at the wall, i put him under the bath water. I was angry, sad and i could not cope. i even filled for devioce from my husband.

I had counciling, i had antidepressents, i went to relate with my husband, i have done loads of course to help me be a better mum. Social service paid for my son to go to nursary two afternoons a week. and i am waiting for a referal to a polit programme to help me relate better to my son. For the last 8 months i have worked my ares off to get better and to feel better about my life.

The help is out there but you have to ask for it.

Call your HV tell her its an emergency and that you want to see her today. Then tell her everything and she will get you the help you need.

It is the worst feeling in the world walking away from your child because at somepoint it hits you that this is a persons life you are fucking up. My son will only every have one mum and its my responsibiliy to make sure he gets a good one.

You keep calling your child "the baby" try saying his/her name and think about your child as a person who loves you and needs you.

Getting a job is just running away from the problem it will not solve it.

PND is smiple a chemical in your brain that stopes working when you have a baby and it needs some help to get it started again.

Its not you, or your child.

It is hard being a mum and i'm not better yet but i'm going to get better.

Your depression / mental health problems are clearly screwing up your head big time and yet you've managed to hold it together to look after your child. That makes you a good mother in my book. But you can't struggle on on your own any more. I'm glad you're going to see the GP - let us know how you get on.

So glad to read you are going to the doctor. Please do. You do sound so terribly depressed.

My mother (who I suspect was also quite profoundly depressed) left us. Though I have managed quite well, obviously it's had its effects, and the worst thing is seeing how those effects are carried on in my parenting of my son - so it affects him too. My brother was younger and has never really recovered.

FWIW you sound like ten times the woman my mother ever was, don't give up.

A gentle bump to see how you are.

Also from me. . . . .how are you ?
Whats happening and what are you thoughts about it all after the posts in.
I hope you are alright.

Please don't leave your baby. You're numb with depression at the moment but one day you really will regret it.

When I had PND and siggested leaving (as I was convinced they were better off without me) my DH immediately said he didn't want me to go and if I did he'd have to give up work, rent somewhere cheap and be a stay at home dad. This is what your DH should have suggested.

I think the 'foster care' thing was to try and scare you.

You need help and you WILL love your baby eventually, but if you're trapped inside depression you can't care for yourself let alone anyone else.

Good luck. You CAN do this. Speak to someone ASAP.

Why the heck are you still breastfeeding?? No wonder you're knackered and not getting a full nights sleep! I'm generally quite an upbeat sort of person, but christ, if I had breastfed until DD was 19 months, I would undoubtedly have gone insane! My advice is:

1. Get to your GP/speak to your HV NOW. They will have heard it all before, many times over I can assure you.

2. Stop breastfeeding and do some kind of sleep training in order that you can get a decent nights sleep. It's amazing how much better we all feel when properly rested.

Only when you are approaching the situation with a clear head will you be able to make any proper judgements.

I went to the GP today and she was really nice. Wouldn't put me in hospital or take DS as didn't consider him a risk. I've been given new meds and a referal to the CMHT so we'll go from there.

I really, really don't want to still be breastfeeding but at the moment I'm so low I can't cope with the crying when I try and avoid it. Also it means we can lie down together for a nap and he'll slepp for about two hours in the day, instead of 40 minutes in his cot (after an hour of crying before going down.)

I may post in BF to ask whether it would be better to gradually cut down or just go away for a week and so someone else can break the back of it.

I just need him to be less reliant on me I think.

I did speak to my best friend about how I felt and she suggested 'shitting on the doctor's desk. She'll have to section you'. Made me laugh which is a good sign.

So.. my current state of play is:

1. Take meds
2. Take any help offered my CMHT
3. Put DS in nursery 2 afternoons a week (goodbye summer holiday!)
4. Cut down on BFing
5. Keep calm and carry on.

Thank you all very much, I needed someone to tell me everything is going to be all right and to get myself to the GP.

Very glad to read your post.
In addition to that list, is there any chance of you getting family to take your ds for a couple of hours a couple of times a week?

Trust me mazfah in saying nothing stays the same forever and you will pull through this awful feeling. You sound a bit more positive, which is good.

When little one is in nursery you can do 'your thing' and be you for those hours. Will nursery increase in hours in time ?

Sounds to me like your son is at a good age and stopping bf ing would be good. He is plenty big enough to quit the boob.
I hope you feel better and more optimistic in time.

Thinking of you and hang on in there. xx

So pleased you have been to the Dr and got some help.
You have taken the first and most important steps. Use your 5 points above as your focus, all of them are achievable. Baby steps though, don't expect to wake up tomorrow and feel 'like you again'. Come back to this thread, everyone is here to help you through this.

Really pleased for you Mazfah. Sounds like a big step forward.

Baggypussy - I don't think your post about bfing is entirely helpful. It's Mazfah's choice when to give up and even though she does it's not an easy process with a toddler who want to carry on and when giving up can mean even less sleep for a while.

Mazfah - if you have a bfing cafe or NCT bfing counsellor nearby, could you give them a call? They may be able to suggest a variety of ways to cut down on bfing or give up in a way that suits you.

Babyborn - thats a horrible thing to say, i think you should get it deleted. People with MH issues can/are just as good at raising children as anyone else. oh have my first ever

Mazfah- the 2 afternoons a week in nursary is so good as it gives you a break and its such a great feeling to do your own stuff for a bit. I'm still breastfeeding my son too and he is 2.2 years old now. I think it helps with bonding. At 19 months you do not have to feed him all the time and you can have a day away and still continue to feed when you get back or have someone look after him for a bit and its still ok.

It really does get better

Well done for taking the first steps

I've reported BabyBorn's post. Implying that people with mental health issues are not fit to reproduce is just appalling.

Mazfah I have been where you are and am still there a lot of days. I ended up behaving very, very strangely for a number of months and leaving the house I shared with my ex h and two sons who were then 1 and 4. they are now 3 and 7 and I still find it tempting to just walk away- not so much for them now, as because my whole life seems like a total f* up for which I blame myself and rather than die (cos I know that would be worse for them) I think about withdrawing so they can have another mother, a better one. :(

I have 50:50 custody but have been cutting down on it as unable to cope recently. Shouting, acting out like snowdropfairy etc.

You still have your h and son. Unlike some posters on here, I think that sometimes a period of time away from your child can be helpful. I think that some of us are not meant to be full time mothers and why should we be. You are not evil or a bad mother for thinking these things. Forget the likes of babyborn- they are idiots frankly who do not understand the complexity of lives unlike their own.

btw 19 months is a killer age. Ds1 was such a nightmare then that I cried myself to sleep every night, after he had cried himself to sleep for an hour. They are little ogres at that age, a lot of them. It does get better. My 7 year old is now a delight despite the terrible guilt I feel toward him.

snowdropfairy its all well and good pussy footing around OP but clearly this is a huge problem. I dont hear anyone else stating the real life prevention issues regarding this.

I do hope the GP spoke to you regarding contraception, although you are breast feeding at the moment. This will prevent this happening again to another child you may have.

You have been very brave to post this.

Babyborn. Butt out and mind your own business. How rude to publicly display such ignorance.

And the point of saying that on this thread, now, is....? What do you hope to achieve there, BabyBorn?

Re: breastfeeding - it's up to Mazfah to decide about that, obviously, and it isn't a cure-all, giving up. It's really common to feel a hormonal drop after stopping that can be quite debilitating. I know I had a freind who was having a horrendous time, was advised by her hv to give up, but just felt that she would look back and resent the situation all the more for having made her stop doing something she had wanted to do. She tailed off gradually over a few months and it felt all the more natural, and she doesn't have to connect the bad times with enforced weaning in her head.

You still have your h and son. Unlike some posters on here, I think that sometimes a period of time away from your child can be helpful. I think that some of us are not meant to be full time mothers and why should we be. You are not evil or a bad mother for thinking these things. Forget the likes of babyborn- they are idiots frankly who do not understand the complexity of lives unlike their own.

Really, so because i dont have mental health problems like you, that I AM the idiot and doesnt understand the complexity of lives unlike my own?! Very wise comment there allegrageller!

Harsh comments are as good as positive ones, like OP said, after all the help shes recieved in the past from her GP and her family, has been given so much and still cant help herself (OP own words)