As a child I wrote hate letters to myself and let teachers find them- I want to understand why

[Orangecat100]

I have namechanged because I am ashamed that I did this but I want to understand why.

As a child between 10 and 15 I wrote letters, I wrote them as if they were hate mail from someone else (no one in particular). I deliberately let teachers find them. I don't remember why I did this, but as a mother now I realise it is not normal. I know that if my DC did this I would see it as an issue which needed to be tackled, not brushed away. I don't know how I would tackle it but I know a caring teacher or parent would seek advice if needed and help their child to overcome their problems.

They were hateful calling myself a horrible person, I remember there was a focus on the 'writer' hating me because my parents were divorced. I am so confused as to why I did such a ridiculous thing, I don't think I was ashamed or particularly hurt about the divorce and my parents did their best to minimise the effect on me.
What confuses me is why my teachers didn't tackle this. I was generally spoken to about it and on at least one occasion taken to the headmistress who said she thought I had written them myself. I denied it and nothing was done.
I am not aware that my patents were informed. If my DC did this I would expect to be informed as I would want to help them.
Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself but I feel the teachers failed me. There was clearly something wrong and it was never addressed.
I would love some ideas as to why I would have done this. Maybe it was good old attention seeking? In hindsight it seems likea disturbing thing to do and I wonder what was / is wrong with me?

Yes your teachers failed you...

No there is no such thing as a child not being very much affected by a divorce - not to judge divorcees but I believe that to be a fact.

Is it possible that at some level you blamed yourself for the divorce? That is very common in children!

I've experienced very deep self hatred (I do know why) and I can say that children can end up hating themselves for things that make no sense to adults.

Well I'm no psychologist but this struck a chord with me, and my take on it is that yes this was maybe a cry for attention, but that is nothing to be ashamed of.

When I was the same age my parents went through a bad divorce and I developed all kinds of behaviours which, looking back, were attention seeking, because at home I felt invisible. I was actually really obnoxious at school when I was there (also a terrible truant) and I remember standing in the corridors at lunchtime willing myself to cry just so somebody would finally ask me what was wrong.

I got into all kinds of trouble and also wrote something in an essay that I hoped a teacher would pick up on, but nobody ever did and they certainly never contacted my parents. I was at school in the 1980s and I think things were so different then-stuff that would be picked up on by teachers nowadays was routinely ignored, it was just a different culture. I have a relative who is a teacher now who cant believe the stuff that was ignored or overlooked when we were at school.

Anyway, I hope this helps a little. Teenage girls do all kinds of things to cope with their emotions and there are worse things a child can do than seek attention, its only in our society that this is so frowned upon.

Thank you so much for replying madhouse and lelarose. I feel a bit less weird about this now I have written it down and 'spoken' about it. I have never told anyone.

Thank you for letting me feel a bit more normal about it, and for acknowledging that my teachers let me down- it feels a bit less spoilt to read someone else saying it!

I suppose I must have been sad about my parents. I think I felt lucky that they were amicable on the surface, they always came to school stuff together which made me feel very special. With hindsight I think I was under pressure to 'be ok' about it all. There was no space to be upset, and I would have worried about upsetting my parents by doing so.

So much for my expensive convent education! I would be furious if my DC's teachers kept this from me.

Pressed post too soon.

Lelarose- I am sorry to hear you had a difficult time when your parents divorced. Madmouse is probably spot on in saying it's always tough for children in some way.

Has this sadness / anger (sorry if that's not how you would describe it) remained with you? Or has it been possible to wriggle free of it?

To lelarose, ignore my last post. Having seen your thread in this section I am really sorry to have asked you that.

I have posted on your thread. You are clearly a loving, intelligent mum please believe this and try not to give yourself a hard time, you are doing great. Many of us have struggled desperately when our DC were babies, it's a really really tough time.

Hi orangecat- please don't apologise, its quite ok to talk about this with me.

I have residual sadness about my childhood I guess, but not anger really these days. My adult life has been very much affected by being made to feel invisible though- I was brought up to believe my feelings counted for absolutley nothing and was often ignored as a child which makes it hard for me to beieve people really are about me to this day and I often expect the worst, but am trying to change for the sake of my son.

Ironically, I was really relieved when my parents split as they had a terrible marriage which was hell to live with- it's probably this more than the actual split that made me the way I am.

Anyway enough waffling about me. Speak to me all you like about this, honestly its fine. Other people's worries are actually a welcome relief sometimes!

Sorry that sounded wrong- your worries are not a relief to me, I just meant focusing on other people not just myself all the time can be a relief x