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Original poster

I feel I am reaching the end

119 replies

NelsonsGirl · 09/10/2005 14:50

Just that really. I feel I am reaching the end. I have given, given, given for years and I just don't get anything back. I have just had a massive breakdown in front of the family and still nothing changes. I don't want to go on like this. I want to run away from my life.

I have changed my name for this post as I don't feel I will get a response under my usual name. Can anyone spend a bit of time talking to me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nelsonsgirl · 09/10/2005 18:05

Where are you? Say roughly and I will let you know if you are anywhere near me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nelsonsgirl · 09/10/2005 18:08

The 2 yo goes to playgroup. I am beginning to know one or two mums there, but you know how many years it takes to be exchanging confidences with women you meet! I haven't done M&T groups since my eldest went. TBH, I am more in tune with the mums of my older children than I am with the mums of my 2 yo. You know how it is when you are not doing it all for the first time anymore?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nelsonsgirl · 09/10/2005 18:09

I also made enquiries about returning to work this week - just very basic enquiries you understand! I am hoping to hear back form someone this week.

OP posts:
jollymum · 09/10/2005 18:12

I'm in the Midlands...

Original poster
Nelsonsgirl · 09/10/2005 18:12

Hmmmmmmmm not specific enough! Give me the county!

OP posts:
tribpot · 09/10/2005 18:15

NG, just a very quick msg of support, you can email the Samaritans - the address is [email protected]

Octobernow · 09/10/2005 18:15

Yes, I can see that it doesn't have the same 'new stage of your life' feeling . What about getting involved in stuff at your children's school? Ours is always asking for parents to read/do the garden/help on trips or -heaven forfend - join the PTA. I honestly think that although this is not the answer to your ongoing dissatisfaction with life (that's a bigger issue, isn't it?) but you will meet people who are feeling similarly and would understand you if you opened up. I have found that being pretty open from the outset helps, if you can. You make a few unguarded mistakes, but I've always warmed to people who are honest and fallible.

Original poster
Nelsonsgirl · 09/10/2005 18:17

Yes I do do the supporting school bit - part of the old fashioned housewife lifestyle thing I have going on. It just feels like another chore though.

OP posts:
Blackduck · 09/10/2005 18:18

I'm in the Midlands too...but am working F-T...

Original poster
Nelsonsgirl · 09/10/2005 18:19

Oh dear Blackduck, so working FT isn't the answer to this then?

OP posts:
Blackduck · 09/10/2005 18:22

Nope - I nedd to work to save my sanity, but I still have all the rest of the stuff to deal with and when I come home I feel my life has shrunk to a tenth (a hundreth?) of what it was.... I work, am the bread winner, keep the house, and feel guilty for not being there enough....I feel like a bank a lot of the time....(suspect this is how a lot of fathers feel too...)

jollymum · 09/10/2005 18:22

Nearish Birmingham, can't say too much in case anyone recognises me

Blackduck · 09/10/2005 18:23

so nearish me then...

jollymum · 09/10/2005 18:27

OOOOHHHHH, where are you {ish} I'm in a place that begins with S and ends with ll....god, I hope you don't know me..!!

jollymum · 09/10/2005 18:31

Hey, NGirl, we could still talk on the phone. I can rabbit for hours for £15 a month, great news eh..? Let me know.

Original poster
Nelsonsgirl · 09/10/2005 18:33

Second letter O by any chance Jollymum? No I don't know you or it, just enjoying the guessing. Well, I am about an hour from Birmingham. Now to guess where Blackduck is. Give us a clue BD!

OP posts:
jollymum · 09/10/2005 18:40

Yes...oh my goodness, I am known!!!!! Where's BD, do you think? Come on, I'm cooking tea, running in and out here. If my Sunday tea is ruinied, it's youse lots fault!! BTW, My littley did scream no turkey dinner for me. I should have bet on it, bloody millionaire by now I'd be.

Original poster
Nelsonsgirl · 09/10/2005 18:42

Don't worry, I have never been there! I had to ask dh what place near Bham began with S and ended with ll!

Ds1 hardly ate any roast lunch either although it is his favourite meal. He was on strike because an arrangement to have a friend round this pm was changed (by friend's mother, not me!) to this Tuesday after school. Hard done by thing, isn't he?

OP posts:
madmarchscare · 09/10/2005 18:51

Just had dinner and catching up. Pleased your DH seems to be with you on getting through the hard bits. Just maybe you need to remind him a bit more often and FWIW DSs roast dinner ended up in the bin .

aloha · 09/10/2005 19:23

You honestly cannot expect children (esp small children) to be grateful to you. It's a recipe for misery. They really didn't ask to be born and if they don't feel like eating the food you've cooked, well they'll say so, because they are honest and straightforward. Also huge mistake IMO to expect anyone else to make you happy/change your life or to expect people to change to accommodate you. You are the only person that you have the power to change, and it's amazing how changing your own responses and thoughts can change your life.
You can decide to be happier. You can decide to do different things.

Original poster
Nelsonsgirl · 09/10/2005 19:29

I agree with you on not expecting others to make you happy, although I do think that is part and parcel of a good relationship. But I am hard to please, so I know no-one will make me truly happy if it isn't in me.

But I disagree with you about expecting some gratitude from children. When they are little maybe, like my 2 yo, but not when they are older. They should learn to appreciate some of the nicer things done for them. The alternative is that they sit there expecting their mother to run round after them all the time, and that is how they grow up to be spoilt and selfish adults.

OP posts:
bakabat · 09/10/2005 19:51

"The reason I am here though is that I don't have that person I can rant to when I feel like it. If my life contained one woman who was going through the same as me and came for coffee a couple of times a week and we sounded off together and then ended up laughing, then I wouldn't be on Mumsnet at all I don't think."

This is what keeps me sane. We don't meet for coffee all that often- we both have autistc elder children- but we talk at least once- usually twice, sometimes 3 or 4 times every day. Including weekends. Every little piece of crap (and the big ones) get aired. Not stored, not mulled over. I have other friends that I have knowqn longer and that I am close to, but this friend is living the same life as me (both our children are reasonably severely affected, we have younger NT children, we seem to process the whole disability thing in the same way- so we phone and mutually offload every little thing at various points throughout the day. I don't have to bore dh with everything (and he isn't living my life anyway- he is at work). I highly recommend it.

You and jollymum should swap numbers.

Lonelymum · 09/10/2005 19:59

The reality of swapping numbers though is that you start to bore a complete stranger with the mundane details of your boring, frustrating life. I would do it if I could break away from feeling that I am a complete bore.

projectmanagerCOd · 09/10/2005 20:00

lm you forgott to change your nom de plume

bakabat · 09/10/2005 20:06

Not if it's mutual. You just don't have to explain. For example rather than trying to deal alone with 6 year old absolutely screaming the place down I can ring my friend and say "listen to this- there's a bloody man sat outside in the car talking on his mobile"- and she can ring me and "oh god just had a disaster we were in a shop and a man came in wearing shoes and no socks" and each of us understands why each scenario is so hideous. Even if 2 seconds later I have to go because ds1 is headbutting the window, the moment is shared (therefore less stressful) and after the man has removed himself from the var, and peace is restored I can ring back and say "bloody hell". It's just a case of finding someone with the same things dragging them down. I can't offload the autism stuff on normal friends because they don't live it. Find an ally and life is easier