Dissociation/Depersonalisation - Help

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Is there anyone here who understands this illness?
I have. Diagnosis of Primary Depersonalisation Disorder but can't seem to get any help for it.

Every psychiatrist I see, I spend ages trying to convince them that this is the problem yet they continue to treat me for depression.

They are convinced that it is a feature of depression, which I know it can be, but antidepressants don't help at all. I get depressed because of the dissociation, not the other way round.

I am feeling so desperate about this that if it continues, I don't want to live. I don't know if this makes any sense but I'm not getting the right help and I need some support.

You could phone the Pottergate Centre. They're very knowledgeable and helpful, and might be able to advise you further.

My symptoms: an odd sensation of being out of my body - like being drunk; a feeling that my voice and body don't belong to me; feeling that I am an observer of life through a foggy lens; everything feels unreal; an odd sort of hissing in my ears.

I've tried the Pottergate Centre thanks Polly but they aren't able to help without a referral, although I did fill in a couple of questionnaires and scored quite high. The nhs trust will not refer me out of area so I think they are putting me in a box that is easier to treat.

I dissociate quite a lot and in different forms, the problem is it is so hard to describe what is happening during dissociation that I can't tell from your description whether that's what's going on...

Seeing life through a foggy lens is quite a common effect of depression though, and it is possible to have both.

Do you have any idea what is causing you to dissociate? Usually it is a significant trauma or other.

You can self-refer to Pottergate though, for an assessment, I think? Though you'd have to pay privately. And then you could use the assessment as a basis for looking for a private therapist who is knowledgeable in that area.

Most psychiatrists are going to be focussed on using medication, so if antidepressants aren't working for you, maybe psychiatry is not the way forward?

I had an abusive childhood and have issues now which stem from insecure attachment as a child.
It is really difficult to describe. It is constant for me, except every now and then I get a sense of being present in the world - as if I have been 'coloured in'. The world appears to me like a painting. When my DH hugs me he has to do it very tightly as I don't feel it.

I think I do have both but feel that the depression comes from my disconnectedness. I seem to be able to switch my feelings on and off at will, so people have no idea what's really going on for me. I come across as completely together when I'm actually a gibbering wreck, even on here.

Thanks Polly. I had hoped that the psychiatrist would be able to refer me for some appropriate therapy but that hasn't happened. We can't afford private treatment and I'm not really sure what sort of therapy I should be looking for.

I'm really at the end of my rope with this. I've tried every antidepressant going, including MAOIs and Lithium combos. They make me cope better with the status quo but don't resolve the dissociation.

I should have said initially that I was diagnosed by the dp research unit at The Maudsley hospital.

oh bookcase that's the classic cause for dissociation isn't it - I'm the same, abuse and an insecure attachment.

What has helped me a lot is abuse related counselling. I still dissociate a lot but I'm increasingly aware of it, although I still have a split between my mind and body. My body betrayed me a long time ago and I started ignoring it. I've just been ill enough to spend the night in hospital and yet I could not allow my body to be in charge and didn't slow down, much to the worry and frustration of dh and friends. DH doesn't understand that I can at some level know I'm ill yet not act accordingly because it's only my body.

Do you know a book called 'The courage to heal'?

Ah yes, they take quite a CBT approach to things, don't they?

You may be able to get low-cost psychoanalytic therapy -- could you ask your GP for a referral? If you are in London the [[http://www.thebowlbycentre.org.uk/index.html
John Bowlby Centre]] have a low-cost psychotherapy project.

I did buy a copy of The Courage to Heal but freaked out after I'd bought it and gave it away to my therapist at the time. I do get images which I hesitate to call memories because I worry about false memory. I don't feel ready to address them yet but am scared that I never will and will always be like this.

I don't connect with the world, my body, my DH or my baby. I want it to stop.

I keep x-posting with you Polly. I'm not in London, although am close enough to travel there if I found the right therapist.

I had full-time intensive therapy ten years ago but managed to completely avoid talking about anything of consequence. I dealt with all the surface stuff - relationships and self-esteem. I managed to treat it all like an academic exercise.

Bookcase I dare say you are not making it up. False memory syndrome was largely invented by the false memory foundation after a number of patients 'recovered' memories of sexual abuse during therapy and in true American style sued their abusers, mostly their parents. The 'science' relating to it is seriously dodgy.

I've looked into it in huge detail as I'm a lawyer and my memories came back triggered by my son's birth. As I had 'forgotten' it all I worried about false memories. I concluded that in case of memories spontaneously returning there is little or no chance of them being false (I wish :( )

I also dare say that until you face up to it there's not much chance of your dissociation getting much less. I tackled it head on in therapy and in talking to two very special friends - I decided every day life hurt so much that there was no other option. It has been hard but so healing - life is multicolour now! (I had no emotions, no feelings, no real connection to people, no real sense of closeness, no sense of self...)

I know you're right madmouse. Your last sentence in brackets describes me exactly. I've had such alot of therapy that the trust won't refer me elsewhere.

It's complicated, but I'm making complaints against two trusts about the way I was treated in therapy, so I can't be referred to any of those. I don't know what to do. I don't trust any of them.

I suspect proper therapy is likely to be a more productive avenue than psychiatrists, tbh. All the psychiatrists I've encountered seem to work on the model of the brain as an inconveniently malfunctioning system that needs to be righted. Rather than, say, viewing symptoms as some kind of an attempt by the unconscious to function in the context of very adverse circumstances.

Some GPs are quite clued up about psychotherapy (though lots aren't). If yours isn't, maybe you could find one who is? I do know people who have had good psychotherapy on the NHS, it does exist, though there will be luck and perseverance involved.

Oh dear - trust is hard enough without it being damaged again

I've had some counselling on the NHS but most of it via a charity in my county that supports adult survivors of child sexual abuse. My counsellor (we are finishing tomorrow - by mutual agreement is ace and fully qualified, just her fees are subsidised by the charity and there was no waiting list at all.

I can only say it is so worth it. I can now be in the moment roughhousing with my little boy (almost 30) and feel myself and him.

And a few days ago one of the friends who has seen me through this hell gave me a big hug when he dropped me off at home. It made me cry which worried him (he's seen me cry too much )but I felt overwhelmed because I felt the love, care and warmth in the hug and the hug itself, I felt safe and I felt present.

The confrontation and fear is worth it - but you will have to find someone thatyou can learn to trust again...

Hope I'm not waffling too much about my own experience. I'm a bit excited at someone else explaining what I've been through, and I'm hoping that I can give you a bit of hope .

erm my little boy is 3 not 30!!!!

I agree Polly. I think I'm a bit of an annoyance to psychiatrists because I question their decisions all the time. They tend to stick to their dsm and icd bibles without looking at individual experience, which I find very frustrating. They seem to get a diagnosis in their heads and run with it at all costs.

Thank you madmouse. It's so lovely that you could really feel the hug your friend gave you. How long has it taken you to get to that point?

I'm so scared of the prospect of dealing with this. I think the memories have all been triggered by the birth of my DD. I want to curl up and die alot of the time.

Bump?

Sorry bookcase - dinnertime!

I started to feel really horrible in early 2009 when ds was almost a year old - I think it took that long because ds was life threateningly ill in his first days and the first year was very anxious in respect of his health.

I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with PTSD in April of that year (has PTSD and in particular Complex PTSD ever been looked at for you?) and started therapy properly in August. Becoming aware of being split from my body is something of the last few months, so it has taken quite a while. For me therapy and counselling has been a steady journey of discovering more defences and protection mechanism and letting them go slowly.

In terms of this hug from my friend there was first a long journey of trusting him enough to hug me in the first place (I find touch from most men hard). Although this was not as hard as what I put poor DH through years ago bless him!

I wonder if you could get another copy of the courage to heal (mine was cheap second hand from amazon) and don't start at the beginning, don't read all the stories, but look up the bits about dissociation and your body and see if it resonates.

PTSD has been suggested and I'm waiting for an assessment for EMDR rather than talking therapy.

Maybe I will get the book again. I do have another called Healing Hidden Memories which I will get out from its hiding place.

I think I used dissociation as a child to hide from the world and now it has become such a well practiced defence mechanism that I don't even need to try.

It takes so much effort to just exist through this fog that I haven't been able to succeed in anything that I've tried - except maybe my degree. How did you manage?

Can I recommend this book? It's a very thoughtful look at all shades of dissociation, including the reasons and the mechanisms for it, and approaches to living and dealing with it.

It's much less lurid than the Courage to heal book, which I can't really get on with at all.

I have that book Polly. I read it quite a while ago so I will look at it again. I think I need to reread a few of my books and take some notes so I can get a more cohesive sense of what is going on.

How did I get through? Erm

Frozen feelings and emotions so nothing really impacted (still haven't grieved for my mum, 13 years on)

And my abuser taught me that I was a very very bad little girl and that my parents would abandon me if they found out how bad I was. So I became really good to hide it and became a high performer and a people pleaser. Did well at school, pliant pupil, good grades, good jobs.

That was my coping strategy. No idea how much I've been missing until recently.

I'm interested that you mention the birth of your DD. Can I ask how old your DD is now, and how it affects your relationship with her?

I've been getting through in the same way madmouse. My life has been a series of peaks and troughs. In places I appear to have succeeded but get to a point where I can't make the effort anymore, so curl up and hide at the expense of everything.

My little girl is 4 months domesticslattern. When she was first born I was on a hormone high and felt so close to her but over the last months I've felt more distant, as if none of this is real.

I've been working hard since she was born to ensure she gets no sense of how empty I feel. I've been forcing myself out of the house, meeting people etc but it's all an act. If I was opened up there would just be black inside me.