Dissociation/Depersonalisation - Help

[BookcaseFullofBooks]

Is there anyone here who understands this illness?
I have. Diagnosis of Primary Depersonalisation Disorder but can't seem to get any help for it.

Every psychiatrist I see, I spend ages trying to convince them that this is the problem yet they continue to treat me for depression.

They are convinced that it is a feature of depression, which I know it can be, but antidepressants don't help at all. I get depressed because of the dissociation, not the other way round.

I am feeling so desperate about this that if it continues, I don't want to live. I don't know if this makes any sense but I'm not getting the right help and I need some support.

Have PMed you.

If you've read the Martha Stout already, which I've only come to recently, it is beautifully written, then can I recommend The Haunted Self? It's a very different kind of book, but also good on the mechanisms of dissociation. Written more for professionals than for laypeople, though.

Can I very gently ask, if your dd is only 4 months old, I presume you've been assessed for PND? Four months is a very, very short time, and you've had a massive life change.

But it does sound as if exploring the possibilities of proper long-term therapy might be the way forward.

Bookcase in terms of your dd what I would recommend from my experience (which means it may not work for you) is to focus on how your body relates to dd. If you still bf (I did for a year)focus on how you nurture her. If you bottle feed, focus on how your arms are made to hold her and keep her safe as she eats. Observe how she snuggles against you to go to sleep and how your body is meant to make her feel that comfy there. How she responds to your voice. How she answers your smile (if not yet then soon).

I found that ds was a 'way in' when it came to my body - while I was pg and while I bf my body had a purpose and was allowed to exist. I'm expanding on that now when I play with ds, or when he seeks comfort when he's hurt himself and folds his whole 2 year old self under my chin, he has to sit on his knees to do it now.

Thank you domestic. I will reply to message in a moment.
The psychiatrist does think I have a degree of PND Polly and has prescribed fluoxetine. Antidepressants do help to some extent but not with the dissociation.
That book looks very interesting, thank you.

I will work on doing those things madmouse. It's horrible to feel so separate from her and it is taking so much effort to keep up the pretence. I honestly don't think I'm ever going to get better but I don't want her to be without a mum. I feel trapped because all I really want to do is die. That feels like my only option in the absence of any real help to be honest.

It's awful to want to die - I'm glad your dd is keeping you here. Been there and came out the other side, honest.

My philosophy when feeling this bad was that I was still afraid how much therapy was going to hurt but I had no real option. I couldn't possibly feel much worse. And that was true. I felt better once properly dealing with things.

Thanks madmouse. I'll try to remember that philosophy. I hope I can get the right help soon.

I'm struggling so much. I'm aware that I keep posting my woes on here but I do it in the hope of some real human contact. I don't have any rl friends who I know well enough to bare my soul to.
I can't do this anymore.

PM me, if you'd like to, I'll happily email you back.

Dissociation is difficult and strange, but has a very good prognosis, with the right help.

Hang in there, it will get better. If you can't hang in there for yourself, do it for your daughter.

You can pm me too if you want

Hope you're feeling a bit better, bookcase.

So so thanks Polly. You were both a great help to me today, I really do appreciate it x

Bookcase, I just wanted to echo some of what other people have posted here... I too have problems with dissociation and or depersonalisation - have been denied therapy by nhs (had to file a complaint, hence no treatment in the area at all now despite complaint being upheld in major ways as everyone having new retraining courses, can't afford private etc) - but, to see people here post of being on the other side of this gives me hope -I hope it does you too. Am much better, it is a process - and I hope you feel you can keep posting here, the people here are lovely. I think it is hard to reach out to people in RL if been rejected already, or find trust hard - it is not just you.

All the best x

Thank you Keziah. It's awfulbto be denied therapy an to have to go through the complaints process. I'm so glad your complaint has been upheld. Mine seems to be running on an on.

I went out this afternoon without my DD and I realised that it felt as if I had never had her, the she didn't exist at all. I feel terrible about that and so frustrated that this problem leaves me unable to experience anything good. Not having a good night tonight.
I will be starting the Prozac tomorrow so here's hoping it takes the edge off helps me cope better.

Sorry, my typing seems to have gone a bit awol there!

Keziah, if you don't mind me asking, how have you coped with the dissociation without professional help?

I really associate with this, I have this dissociation/depersonalisation basicaly all of the time. Much much worse when I am depressed. Honestly some times I peek above it and go "wtf I have 3 kids ".

I am always "in my own head" I am shocked when someone in the street talks to me, usually say something stupid as I wasn't expecting it. I feel I fake it well with the kids, but it still feels like I'm viewing everything from afar with a thick wall of glass inbetweeen.

Life doesn't really seem real, I float along, but don't take any decisions, I think I'm so used to it I don't see it as a problem.

Anti depressants didn't help for me, but I haven't taken them since I had pnd with ds1. If you manage to solve it, let me know and good for you.

oh BCFOB, i soooo want to give you a massive bear hug because i know EXACTLY what you're talking about... i went through years of de-personalisation and de-realisation and unless you've experienced it, it's so hard to understand.

i do know that if i can get through it and no longer (apart from fleeting senses of it) get those feelings anymore, then you certainly can.

i too had a difficult childhood (esp 10yold +) and my anxiety sprang from experiences at home that included sexual inappropriate-ness.

closing yourself off from feeling anything is a coping strategy when you have a proper reason to be threatened/upset... the problem is when your life is taken over by it.

i used to have panic attacks that always culminated in a feeling that i didn't exist and was going to disappear. that gradually became a constant feeling that i wasn't real, other people weren't real. i actually had a phase where i thought i must be an alien because everyone else seemed the same, therefore i must be the abnormal one.

i can't pinpoint getting over it on one particular thing but it was helped by distance between me and my parents, then a college course which gave me confidence and something else to focus on. i started art college and having something to physically do with my hands made an enormous difference... i can't stress that enough and regardless of any interest in the arts, art therapy is fantastic for this kind of problem... i found singing a useful method of taking my mind off the feeling when it became overwhelming and i felt i couldn't manage anymore. i know that sounds a bit potty but it helped me.

gradually over time i found ways of coping and stopped being scared of it, no longer had panic attacks and felt i was as real as anybody or anything else.

in recent years i got angry and faced my 'demons' ie my childhood experiences with my parents... this led to having no contact with my family but i can honestly say i've never been so mentally balanced.

if you want to contact me away from MN, just message me x

and not being able to 'feel' is all part of it... your body and your feelings are so separate at the moment, not working together at all so you get this feeling of numbness.

please look into ways of bringing your mind and body together- yoga/tai chi/meditation/running/dancing, whatever you fancy... i'm no hippy but you shouldn't underestimate the power of physical expression. and no-one is judging you, we all have challenges and it happens that this is yours right now. it's not always going to be like this. you know what the problem is and there are things you can do to help so try not to feel helpless.

I hate to be in danger of sounding fascetious (and I also agree with the post above about things that get you in the moment) but have you checked your ear wax? This sounds weird but I need my ears waxed about oncde or twice a year and I know I need it when: a) I get that weird sensation that your voice is not your own b) I get gentle riging in my ears c) I feel like I am underwater and not 'getting' life and d) I get really introspective.

The reason I know so well is that I failed an a-level after feeling like this and being quite gently freaked out over a week or so.. and then after the exam I massaged the back of my ear and a big plug fell out - gross but true- and I suddenly felt 'back in the room' and totally aware that I had just screwed up an exam I could easily do.

I know that sounds silly, so my other theory might help - if i have a time where i am reminiscing - or if I have had something bad happen and I keep waking up dreaming of a younger me (eg in my 20s or younger) when I first speak that day my voice doesn't sound like me at all, and neither do my ideas - I sound like an old person.. like my mother.. or just like someone the 20 year old me would not be. ..

Also don't rule out the fact that totla focus on the new little one and trying to communicate/understand at that level then sounding weird as an adult afterwards..

and never forget that simply being distracted and thinking a lot about things (and when a new little one arrives I think we all go back to our own childhood a bit to try to identify!) means you will feel one step behind.. so there may be no need to panic and make this into to big a thing..

Stay safe out there..
H

ulp not ears waxed...hairy ears!..ears syringed... :)

Can I just thank this thread for reminding me that my CBT therapist told me I had DID in 2003! I know, how can you forget such a thing ... I must have dissociated

I'm somewhat less freaked out by myself now than I was then, but have taken a look at all the books you recommended. I shall read them later when, I hope & trust, I'll be on friendlier terms with my own life. Heroine, I have gummy sinuses & ears (and bloody tinnitus) - and you're right, the world does come into better focus when they're clear.

Hug for Bookcase :)

That's exactly it Blackletterday. How do you cope with it?

It is good to know you have got better from this blinks. Thank you for the hug. I will pm you.
Heroine, I didn't find you facetious. I know where you're coming from. I find anything that removes me from the outside world makes it worse. I used to have my ears syringed quite often.
Hi Grace and thank you for the hug. A friend of mine suffers with did. Her personality has fragmented into about three parts. They each hold separate parts of her that are too difficult to cope with as a whole.

There are a couple of other books that are interesting, although introspection is another thing that makes dissociation worse of course. They are: Feeling Unreal and Stranger in the Mirror.

Just read your post again blinks. Singing is probably the one thing that helps me focus on my body. I enjoy doing it and concentrating on my breathing technique and making the right sound put me in touch with myself. I would love to put it to some use careerwise but then im assailed by low self-confidence and self-esteem. I guess that's another thread though.

My experience ia broadly similar to madmouse's. I have depersonalised and dissociated since I was a young child.

Just under two years ago, I collapsed and ended up in hospital for a month. I was eventually diagnosed with a conversion disorder This is basically where you manifest very real physical symptoms due to psychological distress. It is definitely on the far end of the dissociation/somatization spectrum. It was primarily due to my abusive ex. I left and decided to go to a therapist, but to do it properly this time. I knew if I didn't go deep and just covered the surface stuff/couselling type discussion, it would come back again.

And yes, cliched as it is, a lot of it was because my Dad violently and sexually abused me as a child plus other dysfunctional family stuff. EMDR was what helped me really get to those memories, it was hard because I didn't want them to be true. I too worried very much about flase memories. However, it is all true and I've sort of come to terms with this.

My therapist felt clearly I was suffering from PTSD and complex PTSD. Looking back (I trained as a psychologist) I can see this is accurate. Depression and anxiety are the symptoms not the root cause. This is why anti-depressants are some help. I too took them for a while.

That's my story. It was only when I let myself be honest about what happened to me as a child that the dissociation stopped. I very rarely do it now, I have more time and space in my head and, for the first time in my life, I don't feel that unknown, intangible shame.

Keep going, it's worth it.

:) Keep going, it's worth it. :)

It is! Thank you for the feedback, Bookcase - sorry to hear about your friend. I don't think I'll be fragmenting any time soon, though am still avoiding relationships until I've got a really good one with myself! I still do fugues and absences - and still feel I have memories trying to get out (or stay hidden: you know). Have been having some quite useful dreams lately, so I'm hopeful that all this compassion work is a good pathway for me.

Are you still doing your mindful exercises? How's that feeling?