I keep smacking DD.

[haroldthecat]

i'm starting to lose it. Everyday i end up shouting and screaming at her. She never does what she's told. She winds me up and it's got to a stage where i feel so tense and within an instant i flip and a surge of anger takes over me and i smack her. Yesterday i smacked her several times in a row. I hate myself for it. We have a new baby 5 months old. I know she feels put out by his arrival. I've obviously dealt with this very badly. I don't enjoy being with my dd. In fact it fills me with dread sometimes. Her behaviour is so challenging at times and she demands a huge amount of attention which i can't seem to fulfill adequately. I feel exhausted and drained. I love her so much but don't enjoy being with her right now. I have no family nearby. I feel so ashamed and so alone. I don't mind if you judge me. What kind of mother snacks their children anyway. My dd is 5. Only a little girl. What am i doing to her??

Hows it going OP?

Hi there,

I'm not sure if anyone has suggested reading any particular books, and I'm not sure if you're much of a reader, but personally when I have been struggling I've found the helpful advice in Playful Parenting here and How to talk so you're kids will listen, and listen so your kids will talk here second to none. The first book especially describes wonderful ways of engaging your child in a way that is non-confrontational but still means you're in control - without any conflict. So so helpful.

I really hope you get some help soon. You sound very stressed and tired, but you do need to reward yourself for reaching out for help - this is such a good thing, since you've identified what you've been doing is wrong, and you want to deal with it. I'm sure if you work hard with your daughter you can heal these emotional wounds.

Parenting is a very hard job, but we also have to remember that being a child with a confused and unhappy parent is probably harder. Take care of yourself, and keep reaching out for help. You will get there in the end.

And I just want to add something to those of you getting tangled up in a debate over whether smacking is abuse or not, or whether it is illegal or legal. Smacking, if not legally classified as physical abuse (although I do think it ought to be, personally) is definitely a form of abuse. Whether OP is intending to physically or emotionally hurt her child is by the by - the effect on her daughter is confusing, frightening, unpredictable - this is abusive. It will be leaving emotional pain, even if there is no physical bruising. Her DD is at a tender age where she is trying to work out who she is as a person, how the world operates, and whether other people and adults can be trusted, relied upon, confided in. She is learning some very tough lessons. The fact that OP recognises her behaviour as wrong only provides further support to the idea that this is abusive. You can be abusive and have an awareness that what you're doing is wrong. And this kind of problem doesn't mean that her DD will get shipped off in to care - why would it? Most (all) services would try very hard to provide support, training and therapy to this family who are clearly in need of help.

I just want to say thank you everyone for your support. I've now seen my Gp twice and had a visit from a mental health nurse and a diagnosis of Pnd has been made. I must admit, it feels like a HUGE relief to have an explanation for what's been happening and to have support. The health professionals I'm involved with have not judged me on the smacking which was also a relief. They want me to move on and not dwell on it - what's done is done and together we can work on coping strategies so it doesn't happen again. I've been offered CBT to alter my negative thinking. I've found this useful. To start with i've been given an exercise where at the end of the day i write down 3 positive things that happened with dd. It sounds simple but it's not! Since posting here i've not smacked dd but did come close on one occasion. I managed to remove myself from the situation and dh took over. He has been supportive on and off. I think he was shocked at the amount of health professionals involved and that brought it home to him that this is serious. I've not shouted at dd either - again i came close to losing my rag that day but walked away. Her behaviour has changed because mine has. It's taking huge effort on my part i must say, probably because my energy levels are so low, but so far it's worth it. Thank you all so so so much for supporting me. I honestly wouldn't have sought help without you. The night i originally posted i felt the lowest i'd ever felt in my life, totally out of control and not fit to be a mother. Now i'm starting to see that i have potential... but there's still a long way to go. I'll keep you posted x

HArold, that's great news.

And I really hope that your DH steps up to the mark a bit. It occurred to me earlier that part of your anger at your daughter's actions is actually misplaced rage at your husband, who has badly let you down and acted like a total fuckwit at a time when you needed support and help.

You're entitled to feel that rage at him, but because he argues back and calls you irrational and you end up feeling powerless and helpless, I think it's getting displaced onto your daughter.

But having professionals diagnose you must feel empowering, and I'm really glad you're getting the support you need.

Once this hard part of your life is over and your son is a bit older, I hope you can sit down and decide some rules and boundaries about how your relationship goes. Because his behaviour is not on. It's just not. You've been taking all the blame unfairly.

haroldthecat, I haven't read the whole thread but I'm glad your still reading as I want to tell you about my DS1. When he was your DD's age he was a very challenging child, he knew how to push my buttons and we clashed constantly. The more I shouted the bolder he seemed to get, I also smacked him on occasion when I lost control. I knew my parenting skills, or lack of them, was the problem, but I didn't know what I was doing wrong or how to change. I had 2 more dc's to cope with so I also felt utterly drained and unable to cope.

Anyway, a friend who realised I was struggling came to my rescue and gave me the best advice I ever got. She told me to do two things:

1. Start praising him, i.e. praise him at every opportunity throughout the day for everything he does, i.e. really heap it on

2. Ditch the negative language. Instead of saying "Oh, you've only one shoe on, whats taking you so long!!" say "Great boy, you've one shoe on, now let me help you with the other".

Now I know this might sound false and very OTT at first BUT the difference it made to my DS was amazing. He responded immediately and I began to see that he was very eagar to do what I wanted with praise, positivity and encouragement.

His behaviour became more calm when I stayed calm. I was able to stay in control more easily and when he did step out of line I was able to discipline in a more appropriate and rational way.

My DS is 11 now and we are very close - we have the most amazing bond

I just want you to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Try out my suggestions, you have nothing to lose! I am so pleased you are now getting the help you need, things WILL get better.

Harold, so glad to hear you are getting some help and support. You sound so much more positive than when you first posted. Well done for being so brave and seeking help.

Teela thank you for sharing this. That's exactly how I feel. I'm glad you got help and things worked out for you. I really appreciate you telling me this x

Harold, I remembered your thread for some reason and came back to it for advice.

I have a preschooler, toddler and am currenty pg with dc3. Lately I have lost my rag much more than usual - feel so similar to Teela's post above. I hate myself for yelling at dc - my toddler is being very challenging at the moment, raging tantrums every day over everything, and then I scream at preschooler, for not helping me more :(. I had an incident like this today and it has been happening more in the last month. I am so ashamed :(. I do not smack generally, but the temptation has been there so much more often lately and a few times I have snapped and smacked.

Something resonates about being frustrated with dh and this manifesting itself into loss of control with dcs. He is usually quite good at sharing dc and home care, but I think he would happily do less if I let him get away with it. I also need to work on non-martyrdom and not feel awkward about insisting he pulls his weight.

Recently (maybe Christmas, maybe heebie-jeebies about dc3), he has done some things I find really unreasonable - not pulling his weight in different ways. We have had some big rows about it, and This thread made me realize that when I am angry at him because he has dropped me in it (again), that's when I get angry with the dcs because he's inevitably not around and they are. Also (to my shame) when we argue about it, we are both too stubborn to back down and admit wrong (although we might show it in actions).

I don't have a lot to add, but just wanted to let you know that this thread is helping me see my way through this too.

Hope you are feeling better soon x

I don't think I could have pnd, given that dc2 is approaching 2. Is it possible to be feeling low because of the pregnancy, does anyone know? Worried about coping with 3 :(

Did you have PND with your first? If you did are the symptoms the same or similar? I think a trip to the GP or your health visitor is needed ASAP. I had PND and felt like a faliure and did not admit anything was wrong until I broke down after going back to full time work after 3 months (ex husband wanted mortgage paying off early so I went back and did no want to I did say Im at breaking point he did not listen). I ended up missing my son soo much I sat in a room and cried for ages I rang the health visitor and she was fab. She helped loads. So what im saying is get help its not a crime to do so. You dont want to be smacking your daughter dont ignor it. If you did ignor it and it continues then its wrong. Please get some help or advice. Good luck.