I keep smacking DD.

[haroldthecat]

i'm starting to lose it. Everyday i end up shouting and screaming at her. She never does what she's told. She winds me up and it's got to a stage where i feel so tense and within an instant i flip and a surge of anger takes over me and i smack her. Yesterday i smacked her several times in a row. I hate myself for it. We have a new baby 5 months old. I know she feels put out by his arrival. I've obviously dealt with this very badly. I don't enjoy being with my dd. In fact it fills me with dread sometimes. Her behaviour is so challenging at times and she demands a huge amount of attention which i can't seem to fulfill adequately. I feel exhausted and drained. I love her so much but don't enjoy being with her right now. I have no family nearby. I feel so ashamed and so alone. I don't mind if you judge me. What kind of mother snacks their children anyway. My dd is 5. Only a little girl. What am i doing to her??

God, what an oaf! You do have to talk to him about this though, or you're going to end up hating him. Try to pick a time when things are calm - perhaps when the DCs are in bed?

Hour-by-hour is the way to go. Good luck for today x

You've got the strength to hit her, but not hold her door shut. I wonder where she's learning that violence is a counter-part to anger?

there's a difference between emotional strength. And OF COURSE it's learned behaviour! One of the reasons it needs to stop.

should've said emotional strength and physical strength.

Just ignore him, harold. He doesn't seem to be here to help.

should've said emotional strength and physical strength.

Just ignore her, harold. She doesn't seem to be here to help, just enable you.

sorry for double posts and typos. Typing mn'g from my phone :)

sorry for double posts and typos. Typing mn'g from my phone :)

sorry for double posts and typos. Typing mn'g from my phone :)

MrManager obviously lacks any sort of experience of this type of situation.

I'm very glad that I don't have any experience hitting my kids, and I suspect they're quite glad of it too.

You know full well that that is not what I'm referring to. Your judgmentalism serves no one.

HI harald - just come across this thread and wanted to say that you do really sound exhausted. It is entirely possible that you are suffering from PND and really need to get some professional advice on that form your Dr.

Do you think you set the bar quite high with regards to your DD? Did you imagine everything was going to be perfect: your DD, yourself? I ask purely because we often have seriously unreal expectations of motherhood and parenthood and beat ourselves up when we fall short - that can often spill over onto our DC.

Reading your posts it does sound like you have settled into a spiral with your DD. You have behaved poorly (through tiredness, hormones etc etc) and your DD has learnt to respond in the same way, which leads you to react to her and so it goes, back and forth, getting worse as you react to each other.

I myself have been known to have a fairly quick temper (in the past) and found myself flaring up with my DS some time ago, his behaviour became even more inflammatory and I reacted even more. It was only when I took a few steps back, quit reacting with a temper to my DS that he also calmed down and responded nicely to me. Their behaviour is learnt from us and they respond to us.

Please consider seeing your Dr to check on PND. You have done the right thing in acknowledging that you have slipped into behaviour that is not acceptable and are doing something about it.

Best wishes harald

Just out of interest, exactly how naughty is she? what sort of things does she do?

OP- sorry I'm going to hijack briefly.

MrManager does it not strike you as odd that the threads you are on seem to have posters repeatedly telling the op to ignore you?

Is it possible that you have misunderstood the general ethos and puropse of this site?

You seem to have a mind that jumps to conclusions/makes judgements very quickly.
Could you perhaps ask the op for clarification before you post your 'judgement'.

Could you possibly think around the situations that have led ops to post/ imagine their state of mind/read between the lines?

Also perhaps check your facts if you pronounce on what outside agencies are likely to do.

None of us, including you, are experts. We're parents looking for support and advice and sometimes friendship, and yes I do know the difference between support and enabling.

I'm pretty sure you'll disregard my words, but I thought it was worth a try.

hittingis not the same as smacking

can we please concentrate this thread on supporting the op?

I think the posters here on MN very often take the women's side.

There were two threads recently, one with a man bored of his marriage and the other with a woman bored of her marriage. The female was told to dump him, give him an ultimatum, etc; the male was told to change, help his wife out more, maybe get fitter.

I think some posters are intent on disagreeing with me as soon as they see the 'Mr' - don't like seeing a man telling a woman anything, other posters don't like that I've come into their cosy womb of female reassurement (?) with some balancing opinions.

I'm pretty sure you'll disregard my words, but I thought it was worth a try.

Thanks again everyone. I think i do need to be more persistant with the going to her room thing. It sounds ironic because i've been smacking her, but i worry about the affect it has on her, that she loses control so much. I'd rather give her a hug which i've done on numerous occasions and that's all very well but she learns nothing from her behaviour. Then at other times i lose compassion and smack her. I know what i have to do but i find it so difficult. I have your support now and i really feel i can try and post here if it all goes wrong again - or if it goes ok! I didn't have enormous expectations of her. I have nieces and nephews and friends with kids and some are horrendous. But in all honesty mine is the worst. She simply will not do what i ask. She does the opposite. She has a lot of energy, won't sit still for long, is bossy etc. It's not naughtyness but it's hard work. The temper happens for eg at bedtime when she will not co operate. She gets in and out of bed changes her mind mid-story that she wants a different one. Needs a drink. Needs another. Needs the toilet. Just has to get something downstairs. Is hungry etc etc. It infuriates me. Someone asked earlier if she's changed since ds came along - well she has always been a handful but certainly more so since then. In the past i've spoken to her nursery and my hv about her as i suspected adhd but the general consensus is that she doesn't as she can carry out tasks fully. It has been commented that she is exceptionally bright, a step ahead of her peers in pre school and now in school too. I don't know if that's got anything to do with it.

OK, this is going to sound harsh, but you need to hear it.......

You are not smacking her because of what she has done, you are smacking - lets call it what it is - hitting - her because of how you feel.

You have a new baby. You are bf. You must be very tired. She is reacting to a new baby in the house. Its a challenging time for all of you.

She is 5.

You are the adult.

You are hitting a child.

Please go to your GP and get some help/advice. I had late onset PND and it is hideous...it makes you behave in ways you wouldnt ordinarily.

Parentline plus run courses to help with parenting issues and you can also get tips on dealing with challenging behaviour on the NSPCC website.

Sometimes - I know this sounds totally mad - if I am having a bad day with ds2 (age 2) and feel really like shouting I imagine that I am being watching by CCTV in the room. I know it seems mad, but its amazing how it changes your behaviour/your attitude to what is pushing your buttons.

I applaud you for realising you need help and that what you are doing it wrong.

Good luck x

oh, and I second the advice about leaving the room, coutning to 10 etc....it works and the fact that so many of us posters on here have resorted to it should make you feel a lot better!!!!

Thanks again everyone. I think i do need to be more persistant with the going to her room thing. It sounds ironic because i've been smacking her, but i worry about the affect it has on her, that she loses control so much. I'd rather give her a hug which i've done on numerous occasions and that's all very well but she learns nothing from her behaviour. Then at other times i lose compassion and smack her. I know what i have to do but i find it so difficult. I have your support now and i really feel i can try and post here if it all goes wrong again - or if it goes ok! I didn't have enormous expectations of her. I have nieces and nephews and friends with kids and some are horrendous. But in all honesty mine is the worst. She simply will not do what i ask. She does the opposite. She has a lot of energy, won't sit still for long, is bossy etc. It's not naughtyness but it's hard work. The temper happens for eg at bedtime when she will not co operate. She gets in and out of bed changes her mind mid-story that she wants a different one. Needs a drink. Needs another. Needs the toilet. Just has to get something downstairs. Is hungry etc etc. It infuriates me. Someone asked earlier if she's changed since ds came along - well she has always been a handful but certainly more so since then. In the past i've spoken to her nursery and my hv about her as i suspected adhd but the general consensus is that she doesn't as she can carry out tasks fully. It has been commented that she is exceptionally bright, a step ahead of her peers in pre school and now in school too. I don't know if that's got anything to do with it.

Some kids seem to run on 2 speeds, dont they?
Asleep and flat out!!!
My ds1 is like that.
ds2 is a toddler so you can imagine what he gets up to!
We are always here if you are having a bad day.....but do go to your GP/HV. It will help.

my phone is rubbish. Sorry for multiple posts