I am really struggling with depressed husband....need advice/hugs

[missmoopy]

My dh has suffered from depression on and off - mostly on - for 3 years since the death of his mother. He has not really accepted in the past that he is depressed, but has moments of clarity, usually when I get to end of tether. He has had a few sessions of counselling but dropped out and has not been back.
He has in the past spent a lot of our money on rubbish and nothing in particular, I think as a way of getting comfort. He hasn't done this for a long time. He is very closed off emotionally, he is distant. At good times, I see the funny, warm man I married.
We have had sex 2 times in three years, and not at all in the last year. He assures me he is still attracted to me but just has no libido. I could probably live like that if he was affectionate.
I am rambling, because I don't know what to say and how to keep us together as a family. I don't want us to seperate, but sometimes it feels its for the best. But I know it would break my heart, his heart and my dd's heart.
He has agreed to talk to the doctor, and to consider antidepressants and/or counselling.
It is so hard living with his depression. I feel like I am drowning.

scrappy - it varies

feeling low
losing pleasure in things
over eating
drinking too much
stopping talking about what's going on for them
getting obsessed with one thing instead of engaging in a range of activities (my dh swaps playing guitar, reading, listening to music for almost exclusively playing a computer game)
waking up early or avoiding going to bed
being tired/low on energy
avoiding social contacts

can you tell us what worries you about him?

My OH was apparently depressed for years before it was diagnosed... he was very good at hiding it, as described earlier with the high functioning depressive (though in retrospect there were clear signs, the joys of hindsight).

Off the top of my head, symptoms (or at least the more recent ones)...

Self-medicating with alcohol
Not wanting to come home
Not wanting to get out of bed
Insomnia
Excessive tiredness
Verbal agressiveness
Short fuse
Suicidal thoughts
Difficulty dealing with criticms
Feeling different to everyone else
Feeling isolated
Blaming everyone else for his life going wrong, particularly those close to him
Self-diagnosing himself
Not wanting to go out of the house/do activities with the kids (although in his defense throughout he has remained devoted and lovely to them through sheer effort)
Overly critical of others
Overanalysing past
Irrational (in a sort of desperate way) plans for future

Just lots of spirals of negative thoughts and behaviours really. Apparently the mind of a depressive just doesn't work in the same way as someone who is able to form 'normal' thought patterns. I think the biggest surprise to me was that agressiveness and anger is a common symptom. Not my ignorant stereotype of a sad person.

Yup second the obsessions with single things (chat rooms, gadgets, buying things...).
Oh and lots of over-(comfort) eating.

There's a book called "how to cope when they're depressed" that has some good bits in it.

It explains the frustration and anger you may feel as the partner of a depressive very well.

The one thing I really took from it is that living with someone who suffers p from depression can end up giving you all the symptoms; but never forget that you are not ill. Look after yourself, pamper yourself, ask for support for yourself. It's so easy to be dragged down and down and down, but you need to have something that keeps you from going under, for both your sakes.

Because ultimately you could end up ill yourself if you're not careful.

I completely understand.

My own gp arranged counselling for me too since I was so low. You are allowed to ask for support for yourself too :)

Good advice, and something I would readily say to others!! But somehow harder for me to apply to myself . I read living with depression by Caroline Carr, similar message taken out of it. Actually very comforting reading.

Scrappy,

weight loss
sleeping a lot
staying up all night
withdrawn from people
mood swings
no libido
smoking loads of dope - which hardly helps
argumentative
negative about future
spending binges

not exhaustive list, but most of symptoms.

Thanks everyone - I don't think its v. serious but I think I'm going to suggest he sees the gp.
Its difficult to point at one thing but we've had a really tough year and it seems to have hit him hard - overeating yes, drinking more (but not excessively) just very down all the time and seems burdened. He's away on business at the moment, meant to be away for over 2 weeks but after 5 days he's rang to say he can't cope being away for much longer and is coming home early (which is what prompted me to ask the question here).
He's a typical bloke with regards to communication but does tell me whats wrong if he knows but he keeps saying 'I don't know whats wrong with me at the moment'. He does get 'down' frequently but normally bounces back overnight, this has been more prolonged - a few months maybe.
Thank you for sharing your experiences, you all sound like amazing women.

scrappy with my dh symptoms include not sleeping well - typically going to bed early as 'he's so tired' but then being awake at 2am and can't get back to sleep. My dh usually has a trigger which has changed over the years. For the last 6 - 7 years it has been illness - if any of us are ill he worries it is something serious. This becomes completely irrational until he has worked himself into a depressive spiral where it is impossible to rationalise with him.

It got to the point where I wouldn't tell him things as I couldn't cope with the fall out.

When I was pregnant with dd2 he was going through a really rough patch to the point where I didn't have any of the down's screening tests etc as I knew I would have no-one to talk things through if the results were poor - luckily dd2 is an angel (most of the time!!).

I'm getting quite good now at spotting the signs early - but the first few episodes he drank more, slept less, worried more (about pointless things he wouldn't normally worry about ie the 'strange new bloke who has moved in next door' etc).

If you are concerned why don't you suggest he goes to speak to his GP - maybe suggest it might be work related stress and they may be able to help?

How's everyone doing?

DH is still very low and not really communicating so I'm trying to plan out how to keep me and the kids occupied all weekend. I'm starting pilates again tomorrow so that's something to look forward to at least .

Hubby has been on top form today so its been good. We've had a lovely walk and dd has enjoyed us all being together. Fingers crossed for more days like today. (I am a realist though, so one day at a time)

hi moopy - just hold on to the good day though and remember it when you are all having a bad day. It will get better - just slowly.

Glad it was a good day, Moopy. If there's one thing depression has taught me is that you have to treasure small moments, appreciate any times of happiness and not take things for granted .

Too true ladies. It has taught me to enjoy the moment, whenever possible x

A quick question. How much does your OH blame you for his unhappiness? I am just struggeling to understand whether I am so terrible to live with and I really am that unreasonable to live with (a bully apparently because I get upset that he just doesn't ever come home), or whether this is just something I need to grit my teeth about and ride through.

He is having another bad episode and won't get the treatment he needs and I feel that he is just looking for causes (me this time). It is so damn frustrating. Or maybe is truth in it and I should just accept that it is over? Sometimes I wonder even if that would be the best thing, this has gone on for so long.

Any words of wisdom?

If I am honest with myself, I am not perfect, but he is also putting me through such a tough ride. I am dealing with two kids under 3 and he is never there for me.

living - " won't get the treatment he needs " you have to lay down the law and set your boundaries on this one.

if he wont seek help then he has to go lvie elsewhere for a few hours/days/weeks.

it is not fair on you for him to refuse to take responsibility for his health.

you say you have 2 DC.

he is asking you to be mother to him too.

you cant - but you can say to him "we are the adults here, you and me i have to be mother to our DC. for you to be my partner i need you to take responsibility for your mental health"

he is an adult. he has to take responsibility for his mental health.

my exPblamed me for lots of his woes, still does - it is part of the illness i think to find "somethng" to blame rather than take the meds or therapy...

it is not your fault,not his fault - but he is the one with the demons and he is the only one who can find the right way to get rid of them with profressional help.

search and read about setting boundaries on the depression fallout boards.

www.depressionfallout.com/

you have a right to decide your boundaries for your sake and the DCs. what is accetable behaviour, what isnt, what strategies to take, what he should/where he should go if he feeling bad and the house has a dark cloud over it...

doesnt mean you wont support him - but he has to do his bit too.

Thanks! You are totally right. He is on a lot of meds and takes them and has had CBT which was working, but we have moved and he is now needing to organise a new psychiatrist here where we are now to get the support he needs to (hopefully) continue getting better. I have involved his family now so hopefully they can talk some sense to him and provide him with a refuge when he needs it. He's just made an appointment with his GP too.

I HATE the self-diagnosis and blame aspects of this llness, it is ALWAYS someone else's fault or some other issue causing it. And it is hard to be someone's emotional punchbag, one minute it is love and kisses forever the next I am a bully and he can't stand the sight of me. And frustrating when you know it could get better. He will get better... whether our relationship can continue to weather the storm in the meanwhile is another aspect. As you said I have 3 kids, just one is an overgrown stubborn mule that is thinking in a screwy way.

I must say part of my dh getting better is him no longer blaming himself for everything and beating the cr*p out of himself non stop.

He's often told me he doesn't understand why I put up with him...He's never blamed me.

He did talk nonsense a lot - when I said yes but your evil step dad caused that he would say yes but he's dead so it's my own fault now...

But he is on the mend and I have hope it will be different this time as he has worked so hard in psychotherapy and is learning he has value as a human being

living my dh doesn't blame me at all I don't think. I think he feels I could be more supportive and understanding at times, and I must admit thats fair, as it is hard livning with someones depression and I'm not perfect!
I think if he blamed me I would find a hard situation virtually impossible. The depression alliance website has info for carers/family which has helped me.
Its cyclical though, sometimes dh takes respinsibility and accepts the need to 'do something' about his depression, sometimes he behaves totally helpless. Perhaps thats where your dh is at mo?
I am finding this thread really helpful andf supportive

My dh is now on the "way back up" as his consultant has considerably increased his daily dose of mood stabilizers.Now he's at the real risk of a manic phase which will require huge doses of Valium over several days to bring him down- then the whole miserable cycle will start again....:( I am tired of the whole situation

(((((((((fudgesmummy)))))))))))

Thank you missmoopy,that has made me cry-but in a feeling like someone understands way,not a sad way iuswim x

missmoopy, it is not just me he goes through cycles of blaming other people too (parents, overbearing mother, bullies at school, bosses), not so much himself?! and I just switch off and am a robot now as it is such a hard thing to cope with and not at all sustainable, or true... he is so reasonable about it all when he is lucid. I am just running out of ways to support him, combined with being blamed- not an easy situation.

Tomorrow will be better ever the optimist me, either that or totally delusional.

I'd find it very hard, livinginazoo, if DH blamed me . He beats himself up endlessly though. I'm feeling very detached from him right now and am nervous of how I'm going to get myself back into "wife" mode once he's better.

Fingers crossed he doesn't go manic this time, fudgesmummy, has he shown any warning signs?

liath thats how I feel - distant. I don't feel like his wife most of the time, just his friend and I do worry we'll never get back to being husnband and wife. Its not just the lack of sex/intimacy, its the lack of affection etc.

Here here. It is sooo hard to see the man you love be so self-obsessed (even if it is due to the illness) and so emotionally unavailable. I keep wondering whether even if he does recover, how much work will it take to get the relationship back on track, as at the moment everything is all about him.

I had a look at the website recommended earlier and it was interesting, in a perverted sort of way it is nice to read that these behavioural flaws are common, not 'just' in his case. As well as the suffering faced by the depressives partners. There is nothing worse than feeling alone.

I think I need to think of some nice me things to do...