I am really struggling with depressed husband....need advice/hugs

[missmoopy]

My dh has suffered from depression on and off - mostly on - for 3 years since the death of his mother. He has not really accepted in the past that he is depressed, but has moments of clarity, usually when I get to end of tether. He has had a few sessions of counselling but dropped out and has not been back.
He has in the past spent a lot of our money on rubbish and nothing in particular, I think as a way of getting comfort. He hasn't done this for a long time. He is very closed off emotionally, he is distant. At good times, I see the funny, warm man I married.
We have had sex 2 times in three years, and not at all in the last year. He assures me he is still attracted to me but just has no libido. I could probably live like that if he was affectionate.
I am rambling, because I don't know what to say and how to keep us together as a family. I don't want us to seperate, but sometimes it feels its for the best. But I know it would break my heart, his heart and my dd's heart.
He has agreed to talk to the doctor, and to consider antidepressants and/or counselling.
It is so hard living with his depression. I feel like I am drowning.

Hi missmoopy, i know exactly what you are going through, My dh has suffered from manic depression for the whole of the 24 yrs we have been married, at the beginning of July he had another major mental breakdown and has been of work ever since. I too feel like we are both drowning in the never ending misery of depression and the despair that goes with it:( Hugs and support to you

How do you cope? I feel sad, lonely, selfish, in equal measure. I feel like me and dd would be better without him sometimes when it gets too much, but also know that whatever else, he is a good man, a good father...he's just not great at being a husband right now. I hate that I can't just support him and be okay with it.
I feel jealous of people in happy problem free relationships.
I don't talk to friends about it as I am embarrassed, scared to let it out, ashamed.
It is not always this bad, I think I have PMT and am struggling more than usual. But it's just so hard.

And thankyou for responding. Hugs to you too x

Here's another one who understands - my DH has been depressed on and off for all our married life and even before that - he was depressed when we met. It sucks. It sucks harder when you are both ill at the same time and you need friends because you can't support each other.

Libido is a big depression thing in blokes, either one way (no drive) or the other (lots, and almost as if trying to get rid of some anger inside). Blokes also have this infinite capacity to stew and not talk and call themselves all sorts of names inside.

But that's one thing - the other thing is that being the wife of a depressed man is just hard tear inducing exhausting slog. And sometimes you just need to call a spade a spade.

A ray of hope: My DH hit rock bottom last autumn right when my PTSD was at its worst. He decided to grow up, get over his ideas that anti depressants messed with his brain in a way that was not acceptable to him and actualy took a low dose - and went to see a good old fashioned counsellor with whom he is doing lots of work on the causes of his depression (childhood related). And he's changing. But like an alcoholic blokes more than women need to hit rock bottom I think (although I do remember vaguely my friends' relief when I accepted help finally )

It also helps that having been in such mental pain that being dead seemed preferable I can understand him better, and that makes me more patience in one hand (yes this is hard fo you ok I'll cut you some slack) and less patient (well I've been suicidal and looked after you and a toddler so get your ass in gear)

Heck what a ramble. Am chilling out a bit - had a friend over earlier as I'm struggling at the moment and not ready for bed yet.

If you're still up - big hug

It sucks doesn't it? I posted about my depressed DH in Relationships yesterday. Seeing a counsellor has helped a bit. Also taking the dog for a walk somewhere quiet and saying out loud all the stuff I really want to say to DH but can't because he's ill and it's not his fault. With a lot of associated swearing. DH has hit absolute rock bottom, I'm clinging to the hope that as this is the first time he has ever accepted medical help that this time he'll get better and stay better because this has been going on for nearly 10 years. The lack of libido is a real killer isn't it?

My dh has tried it all-counseling, drugs,long hospital stays as an in-patient and most of these things bring relief for a short time but it always falls apart again. as he has manic depression we have the manic highs which I used to hate as much as the depression. i feel irritated about every thing he does at the moment-i'm up getting ready for work and hes asleep in bed,i've emptyed the dishwasher,done the washing and fed the cat.I'm jealous that he gets to do what he wants and i totaly agree with you missmoopy i HATE people who have problem free relationships.I suffer from depression,anxiety and insomnia but i don't feel the need to make such a song and dance about it IYSWIM.(which i know is totaly unreasonable of me) His family are worse than useless and friends are supportive for a while but soon loose interest.just writting this is helping though so please respond everyone,it would be great if we could support each other

Know how you all feel - having been going through similar with my DH. He finally hit rock bottom at the beginning of the month and is accepting help from the doctor - meds + counselling.

I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with me and he wanted out of our marriage. I did feel relieved that he had reached such a low point that he accepted help, however, now I'm back to the daily grind of living with a depressed DH and it's hard.

For me, he has been heading this way for last 3/4 years - at the moment I can't see how it is going to improve. How long do you put up with their unrational behaviour for? I feel v lonely and unloved - he spends all his time down the garden, fiddling about in his shed - even in the dark. What do you do? Feel like I need counselling too to cope with it all!

Would be grateful for any advice from fellow Mumsnetters who have come through the other side.

I feel guilty for not being understanding and patient all the time. I have been taking ads for about 14 yrs and seeing a counselor for 9 years just to cope with his illness.I feel guilty that our dc's who are now 20 and 23 had to live with the misery of his self-harming,long hospital stays,deep depression,outbursts of anger and regular overdosing for the whole of their childhood.
Madmouse sums up totally how it feels-> that being the wife of a depressed man is just hard tear inducing exhausting slog< Hugs to you all xx

I just wish I had a crystal ball TBH. If I knew that Dh would get better and that I'd get the lovely man that I married back then it would give me more strength to cope with the misery that is my marriage at the moment.

My family have been great but it's useful to chat to other women in my position although in a way it's such a shame that you are all going through this too because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy - either the depression or being the partner of a depressive. Ugh!

Hi
just wondered if any of you have thought about leaving you dH and why you dont do it?

Hi all my dh has suffered from depression for about 16 years - at first it was only every 2 - 3 years he had a 'bad' episode but more recently (starting when I was pregnant with dd2 - who is now 6) he has been depressed a lot of the time. DH is good in the fact he takes prozac which helps but then decides to wean himself off just before a trigger point - like going on holiday which bugs me no end.

I went to counselling 18 months ago which helped me a lot - and helped me seperate out what were my own problems and those caused by dh.

I agree with you all that from time to time you see the lovely man you married and it all seems worth it. Then DH will go through a closed off period when it is like having another child - there is no emotional support there at all and it is so exhausting.

Crikey this is a long post for me - and it does help to get it off your chest!!

single - I've thought occasionally about leaving dh - but I still love him and I have to remind myself he is ill and it is the illness making him like that. If he had another illness then I would stick by him so I do with this - even if it is incredibly hard sometimes.

single1ds would you leave your dh if he had cancer or diabetes????

sorry but I find that offensive

I married him in sickness and in health!!

Single- i agree with sundew,I have often thought about asking dh to leave but it is true that it is an illness and if it was cancer then it wouldn't be a valid reason to split up, but it is bloody hard. We sort of split up for 6 months (he stayed at his m and d's which is 10 mins walk away,at night time)9 years ago when he confessed to having had an affair for 16 months with a work colleague(and had been over for a year,but his cpn at the time thought I "deserved" to know,the stupid,fucking,misguided bitch-can you tell I'm still bitter about her advice to him?)I couldn't bear to have him in the house and was pushed into having him back before I was ready by my mil who said he couldn't stay any longer.The dc's were only 11 and 14 at the time and it was was a very,very un-happy time.It is our silver wedding anniversery next May and my totally oblivious mil(who chooses not to except how things are)is already asking how we are going to celebrate-big family party?,renewal of wedding vows? When in fact if you added up all the "happy" years we're only on about 10 years :(

Sorry, I vanished, hectic few days at work. Thank you all so very much for responding.
Single, yes I have, often. BUT I love him, he is the father of my dd - and is a loving father - and when he is 'himself' he is my best friend.
He has seen doctor who feels he may have post viral syndrome to compound things so he is having some tests, and is actually now for the first time, considering medication and giving counselling another go.
Hugs to all. Its nice to know we're not alone xx

missmoopy - hope your dh does gives meds and counselling another try. Please remember it takes weeks (usually 3 -4 for my dh) for the meds to kick in properly which seems a really long time when you are going through hell with depression.

I really understand when youtalk about drowning - I'm lucky in that I've got people at work I can talk to and they don't know dh so son't judge him.

He is like a high performing alcoholic in that most people who know him wouldn't have a clue - and even close friends won't know when he is going through a bad patch.

I'm also dreadful for when he is going through a dip dropping out of RL as it is too hard to do everything. I suppose just to try and keep myself together and some semblance of normality of our 2 dds.

hi
sorry i didnt mean to offend anyone. I had PND depression myself (bad) and my husband left me, wish he could have understood and i think you are great for sticking by your husbands if you know that love is still there, at least you are trying to understand.
madhouse, no i wouldnt leave my husband on the basis of having depression or any other illness if the love was still there, sadly he left me and i am single parent :-(.

single

I'm really sorry to hear about your dh - what a b***d. It must be hard enough having PND without having to deal with your dh leaving and being a single parent my heart goes out to you.

Hope you are now on the orad to recovery.

single I do apologise - I had no idea. What a rotter

sundew, the description of your dh being like secret alcoholic is spot on. I talk to no one about his depression, and like others here work really hard to present the image to others that all is well. Sometimes its too much.

Thank God I found this site. I know I am not alone. Living with a dh is so hard cos I got it too right now :( Many times I've tried to convinced myself I don't deserve to live like this, that I should be happy and he can live with his shit alone. But there is too much love. But recently I found out that he cheated on me :( It broke my heart again and made me feel so down. Now i feel like I'm drowning. I can't be like this cos I've got kids to look after. I came to think and meditate for the last few days that we all have choice. Choice to be happy and move on or accept the shit of our dh. We have different ways on how to handle things. At the end of the day, it is still our choice and decision. Lots of times I thought of leaving him but I bounce back cos I know he's a very loving and a caring partner and its just the fg depression that sucks! Now I have decided to stay on his side. But I got a life too. I think to all the wives here going through the same, make yourself busy on something. Enroll a dance or cooking lesson, go shopping and party with your girlfriends. Do some yoga, jogging etc..just don't stuck yourself in the house thinking about how you could fix your dh, cos you cant!!! That is still up to them. They are in the prison when they are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer. It is up to them if they want to go out. This is just my idea I don't want to offend anyone. For us wives, who are the ones who are greatly affected of this selfish sickness, I guess we have to be strong and fight and "accept" what we have got. Cos i guess this is the only way where we can rebuild and get our life back again. Life is short. If we ever fall seven times, I guess get up eight times. "I am a fighter!!!"

Fighter there is a world of difference between putting up with depression and with being cheated on!!

You do not need to tolerate that and you don't need to blame it on the depression and he did have a choice!!!

I agree that's a big help - I have immersed myself in various hobbies and also make sure I take plenty of exercise.

I think the one thing that would drive me to leave would be if DH's depression was affecting the kids too much. Last week I just had to take them to my parents' for a few days because of his ridiculous paranoid behaviour but luckily he's come through that phase. My first priority is to protect them.

Missmoopy, I'm glad your DH is thinking about giving meds a go. So long as if he responds that he sticks with them for a good length of time. I felt like such a nag, on at DH for YEARS to see a doctor. In the end his breakdown was so severe he had no choice and I think feels relieved in a way that it's out in the open. Goodness knows what the future holds though as he's been off work for 3 months and looking months away from even being able to contemplate going back so at some stage we're going to have to do a serious financial chat .

Hate to say it but antidepressants definately don't help with the male libido :-( the seratonin reuptake inhibitors make it a lot harder for them to umm... doesn't help their self-esteem exactly

I find it is hard when I compare depression with a physical illness, as I just feel that the support we would receive if our OHs had something a hospital could cut out, would be so much greater. For me, the hardest thing is being so low down on the importance scale when he is depressed, I am so jealous of people who have normal relationships and a partner that can be there for them emotionally and romantically. It just feels unfair that instead I am the emotional crutch for someone who at times lashes out because he is unable to cope with normal pressures of life, and expects me to always drop everything and listen to his problems and agree with him, and I am being horrible and not understanding if I question him. When there are periods that are more normal, you just raise your hopes and cling on to a dream that things will get better. The not knowing what is round the corner is hard. After a while it is so easy to forget who the real person is that you are living with.

Hmm... a lot of I's here in my post, obviously not having a good day.

From another drowning wife xx

Can I tentatively ask - what sort of symptoms do your dhs display? I'm v. worried about dh at moment - he's just not happy and not himself.. don't want to go into many more details but I've suspected for awhile he might be depressed and I'm really feeling the burden of not knowing how to support/help him. Nothing I say or do helps :(
Not sure how I can encourage him to go see dr.