My DD has just told me something awful, what do I do?

[Mamiithatturned]

Please help me...

I am divorcing DH as he's been abusing me for years. From what I've read, it's the typical scenario - amazing 1st six months, then gradually, slowly it started:

• Financial Abuse
• Verbal Attacks & Abuse
• Emotional Abuse
• Physical Abuse

11 years on, I finally got fed up of the cycle, the apologies - only for it to start again, just a bit worse with each cycle. My doctor has told me I'm close to a breakdown. DH is now abusing me using the legal system, making the divorce as awful as possible. Although I've been assured that once we get to court the judge will throw the book at him. But he has successfully bullied us (us=me, DD-5 & DS-4) out of our home and I'm now in my mum & dad's spare bedroom with DD & DS as his financial abuse of me has left me in debt to the tune of 25k :-o

Tonight, my mum saw my DD on the sofa, legs akimo, rubbing herself with both hands. My mum said to her - Oh no love, ladies don't do that! She told my mum "But daddy does it to me and I love it"
So I said to my mum, don't panic (she was understandably extremely shocked) it could hopefully be something simple like when she has a sore bum and she's had bum cream put on.

So, I casually chatted to her - when she touched my food I just said to her calmly "I hope you washed your hands after touching your bottom, grandma said you'd touched your bum". She said "Yes mummy, I did". I said, was it your back bottom you were touching? If so, I hope you washed your hands with soap. She said no, I wasn't touching my bum, so I said to her - "Can you tell mummy or show mummy?" (obviously getting more and more worried) She said, "No, I can't - it's rude"

I really don't know what to make of this. Should I make anything of this?
I feel completely distroyed that this could have happened under my nose without me having a clue!
What do I do?
Do I do anything?
How can I approach her again without making her feel uncomfortable?
Who can I ask for help?

(If in fact there is anything to know, I mean. Hopefully this is a misunderstanding but either way you've done the right thing)

God I hope not. I know that they will asses both DD & DS and get to the bottom of anything now. I hope to god this is a misunderstanding.

The way I feel right now, DH may never be able to chew solid food again and may also end up having a voice several octives higher!

I just don't know what to do with myself right now or organise the thoughts I'm having.

:( Not sure what to say or suggest, sorry.
Hope you manage to get some sleep and things get sorted as quickly as possible

I'm probably recapping on what other people have said but as a child protection social worker in my past i would advise you not to let your children go with him tomorrow.

Your responsibility as a parent is to keep your children safe from harm and allowing to go to a person that your child has perhaps disclosed potential abuse from then you must be incredibly careful.

I would call the police and leave a message for the child protection unit, also call the social services team in the morning and tell them what has been disclosed. Keep your daughter with you and if your ex questions it then tell him you are are doing what the law requires you to do - keep your child safe from harm or potential harm.

God luck tomorrow

again, I may be repeating, but as someone involved in safeguarding, I would say contact a duty worker at social services tomorrow. Ring your town hall to get the no. They will interview your daughter and begin an investigation. As the last writer said, keep her safe and do not let her see her father tomorrow.
Now that she has disclosed this, you have a legal duty to inform social services, so there is no choice in any of this. Also, remember not to ask her too many questions about it until social services and the police have completed their investigation. If you do, you could be accused of contaminating her evidence later.
It might be a good idea to write down exactly what she has said, word for word, so there are no confusions when you report it.
Above all, so sorry this has happened, and good luck for the next stage in all this.

Mami, you've done brilliantly. You've taken your daughter's disclosure seriously instead of pretending that it's just a kid making things up, you've taken action to keep her away from her foul, vile father, and you're clearly safeguarding her.

I'm so sorry things have been this bad for you, but you've done so well to get your children out of that situation in the first place, and to have kept fighting your corner throughout all of this. It must feel terrible for you, but your children will be fine, with a mum like you.

don't panic!, the not asking too many questions is not as not to be acussed of a crime, contaminating evidence, etc... is because is difficult to get this information from a child without forcing them to say things in a particular way, or making them close up all together, psychologist, especialist in child abused, get in a room playing and let them tell the story, is very important to chose your tone carefully so you don't let them feel guilty.
your doing brilliantly, you took it seriously, you asked for help, you called the relevant proffesionals, and the kids are safe, now, hopefully this will be just a false alarm and your daughter has never experience anything other than love and care, but if not, she has a wonderful mother. and prosecute the bastard, believe me child molesters don't have a fun time in prison.

Good luck today. I hope he doesn't cause any trouble - can you ring him before he is meant to leave to collect them? That might be safer and easier, and you'll have warning if he says he is coming anyway or gets arsey about it, and you can ring the police and get them to come and help before he turns up.

Hope you have managed to sleep a bit, it must be awful not knowing how to feel about him...I hope it is resolved soon.

Don't let on to him that you suspect anything, and as someone else said don't ask your daughter about it again for the time being.

Thinking of you - let us know if we can help.

would be good to have another adult with you today, if he comes pick up the kids and doesn't take no for an answer, you can retrieve and the other adult ask him to leave, do call the police if you need them, and tell them the whole story before they come.

oh, i just reread flight's post, that's a better idea, ring first, and if you expect any trouble have the police with you to support you.

hope you're coping alright, you are not alone.

How are you doing this morning

You've done the right thing so no advice from me on that. Just wanted to wish you luck and let you know that I'm thinking of you too.

Also, if it's not too late perhaps you could water down the excuse so your DC don't have to lie to their father about being ill today (in the future). Just thinking ahead, in case (hopefully) this is all a misunderstanding and your ex starts dragging up that you lied to prevent him seeing them today.

e.g. could you say that you've got suspected Fifth disease (or something none of you have had) and it's likely the DCs are incubating it too, therefore you don't want them to spread it.

If you've already called him and said about the D&V then pls don't let my suggestion worry you - it's the least important aspect of all of this.

Good luck, Mami.

How are you today, Mami?

Mamiithatturned

Go to the Police. They are totally prepared for this and will proceed or not accordingly. They will talk to you and have a trained specialist talk to your DD. The Police will also involve any other services necessary. Trust me, there are reports that do turn out to be perfectly innocent but equally this could be something that really needs to be taken seriously, you will not be wasting their time. I know it's really hard and scary but you obviously feel it can't be ignored. Above all, if it turns out there is abuse present IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT Take care xx

Oops, missed bits of the thread and see you reported to SS. I hope this all starts to get sorted out now. Be strong and look after yourself, make sure you are supported too as this is what will get you and your family through

SS are coming out either this afternoon or tomorrow. Glad I haven't got long to wait to find out.

They said it will be a specialist SW & specialist Police Officer which is why it takes a while to organise.

I'm still praying that it's something innocent that sounded shocking at the time. (fingers crossed) but not prepared to take any chances at all.

Thanks everyone for all your advice and support.

Well done. This must be terrifying but you're doing everything right.

well done mamii.

WIll be thinking of you.

what did you tell your husband about why they couldn't see him today?

Sorry to hear but your baby was abused, This is a behaviour of an a... child. Inform GP, and take it from there. He can not come close to your children. Tell him they are ill...

luretanin, that's not very helpful, you don't know anything happened, and ss are involved.
hope you are all ok, mami

Just wanted to add that when I was nannying I had a frantic call from the parents one weeked.

Their DD was touching herself and when asked to stop said that her (16 yr old) step brother did it, they wanted to know if I'd seen anything, explained that I hadn't and it was more than likely she was copying him adjusting himself (from what they'd described).

Anyway from that moment on I was not allowed to leave them alone together - not because we thought he had done anything, more to protect him from any misunderstandings.

It could all be innocent but I still think you've done the right thing.

Hope all went OK today.