My DD has just told me something awful, what do I do?

[Mamiithatturned]

Please help me...

I am divorcing DH as he's been abusing me for years. From what I've read, it's the typical scenario - amazing 1st six months, then gradually, slowly it started:

• Financial Abuse
• Verbal Attacks & Abuse
• Emotional Abuse
• Physical Abuse

11 years on, I finally got fed up of the cycle, the apologies - only for it to start again, just a bit worse with each cycle. My doctor has told me I'm close to a breakdown. DH is now abusing me using the legal system, making the divorce as awful as possible. Although I've been assured that once we get to court the judge will throw the book at him. But he has successfully bullied us (us=me, DD-5 & DS-4) out of our home and I'm now in my mum & dad's spare bedroom with DD & DS as his financial abuse of me has left me in debt to the tune of 25k :-o

Tonight, my mum saw my DD on the sofa, legs akimo, rubbing herself with both hands. My mum said to her - Oh no love, ladies don't do that! She told my mum "But daddy does it to me and I love it"
So I said to my mum, don't panic (she was understandably extremely shocked) it could hopefully be something simple like when she has a sore bum and she's had bum cream put on.

So, I casually chatted to her - when she touched my food I just said to her calmly "I hope you washed your hands after touching your bottom, grandma said you'd touched your bum". She said "Yes mummy, I did". I said, was it your back bottom you were touching? If so, I hope you washed your hands with soap. She said no, I wasn't touching my bum, so I said to her - "Can you tell mummy or show mummy?" (obviously getting more and more worried) She said, "No, I can't - it's rude"

I really don't know what to make of this. Should I make anything of this?
I feel completely distroyed that this could have happened under my nose without me having a clue!
What do I do?
Do I do anything?
How can I approach her again without making her feel uncomfortable?
Who can I ask for help?

would ringing your solicitor tomorrow first thing in the morning and explain your suspicions help? is there something they could do?

Good God please don't hand them over to him now.

Phoned Out of Hours Emergency Social Services line.

Just waiting for a call back from a social worker.

Thanks for the advice - I just panicked! I really didn't know where to go at this time on a Sunday night when I'm supposed to be dropping them off there tomorrow.

Well done! Hopefully the nightmare will be ovr soon.
Are your DCs going to be ill tomorrow?

Well done you for taking action and taking this seriously. I hope the social worker is helpful. Don't hesitate to keep talking for moral support. As long as you genuinly act to protect your children you cannot do it wrong.

i would suggest stomach bug, with a lot of vomiting

I'm going to tell him that they're extremely sick indeed! There is no way in hell he's seeing them until this is cleared up - one way or another!

I know he's abusive and vile. Thinks nothing of lying and hurting others to get his own way... but doing this to your daughter!! OMG!

Hopefully, the social worker phoning me will be able to help.

WIll they call back be tonight? or did you not get any idea?

There is still always the D&V excuse.

Thinking of you

The bloody face thing - at work we type : 0 ( for a sad face. Bloody grin on here!!!!

hope the social worker can help. (actually hope it's a big misunderstanding)

Thank god! I've spoken to the social worker. Really helpful and really understanding.

They're calling me tomorrow about getting both DD & DS assessed.

They said that DH absolutely cannot have them until this is dealt with. (Thank god)

But, I'm still going to lie to DH and go for the D&V excuse - I'm bloody terrified of him as it is!!

Off to take emergency steroids - bloody asthma attack starting now!!

Thanks for the advice. I will let you know what happens.
XXX

Thanks SWH - that's what I'm hoping for too.

But there is no way in hell I'm taking any chances with my gorgeous kids. Especially when I know he's an abusive A-Hole!

Glad sw was helpful. Hope its all a huge misundertanding but obv you are right to get it checked. You know you can come back if you need to offload and chat

Well done, Mami.

Good luck.

I'm glad you have been taken seriously. I think them being ill is best idea for now because I cannot quite imagine you telling him 'you're not having them as you may be abusing them'. Doesn't seem a good idea.

Know one thing - if indeed he has abused her...children who are supported by the adults in their life generally recover from it well. So well done you.

good luck, mami.

Good luck- really hope it is a misunderstanding and that the SWs are helpful.

Mami I know that you've said that you're terrified of him as it is, is there anyone who can be with you when he comes round or you ring him just for support for you? Also please please please if he gets in any way shape or form abusive towards you, ring the police. They will back you up especially as social services have told you that you are not to hand them over to him.

I really really hope this is a misunderstanding and that SW's are helpful tomorrow.

Good luck mami, keep calm for your dd's sake as she'll be less traumatised if this is handled calmly. I'm sure you know that already though.

I really hope things turn out ok, please keep in touch with MN as you'll get loads of support here. Sleep well and keep your babies close, they're lucky to have you xx

Best of luck, keep calm and carry on! Xx

Well done for making the phone call, that can't have been an easy thing to do.

I hope things go well tomorrow for you with the social worker.
Be strong for your little girl, don't take any shit from your ex, tell him she's been up all night, really ill and you don't think its a good idea she goes anywhere, she's just fallen asleep and you think the best thing for her is rest.
Don't let him make you feel rubbish.

Do your parents know you've contacted SS?
Is there someone to support you? Sounds like you could do with a hug from your Mum...?

Keep talking on here, good place to vent without anyone getting hurt!

Just a note of caution if I may- appalling though it is, she said that when daddy does it she "loves it" (God I do so hope this is a misunderstanding and there's nothing to it), so if things suddenly change dramatically and there's anguish she may think it was her fault somehow, possibly for talking about it. Then she might stop talking and you would be in a very much worse situation.

I'm sure all the professionals have said all this, but do bear in mind the massive difference between your understanding of the situation and hers, and tread carefully. The channel of communication is the most important thing of all if you are to get this sorted. Listen, and as you said in your OP, don't panic.

Good on you for devising the D&V, and getting on to SS. NSPCC are good too.

Best of luck, I'll be thinking of you.

your daughter will not be on MN or its equivalent in 20 years time saying mum knew and she did nothing.