My DD has just told me something awful, what do I do?

[Mamiithatturned]

Please help me...

I am divorcing DH as he's been abusing me for years. From what I've read, it's the typical scenario - amazing 1st six months, then gradually, slowly it started:

• Financial Abuse
• Verbal Attacks & Abuse
• Emotional Abuse
• Physical Abuse

11 years on, I finally got fed up of the cycle, the apologies - only for it to start again, just a bit worse with each cycle. My doctor has told me I'm close to a breakdown. DH is now abusing me using the legal system, making the divorce as awful as possible. Although I've been assured that once we get to court the judge will throw the book at him. But he has successfully bullied us (us=me, DD-5 & DS-4) out of our home and I'm now in my mum & dad's spare bedroom with DD & DS as his financial abuse of me has left me in debt to the tune of 25k :-o

Tonight, my mum saw my DD on the sofa, legs akimo, rubbing herself with both hands. My mum said to her - Oh no love, ladies don't do that! She told my mum "But daddy does it to me and I love it"
So I said to my mum, don't panic (she was understandably extremely shocked) it could hopefully be something simple like when she has a sore bum and she's had bum cream put on.

So, I casually chatted to her - when she touched my food I just said to her calmly "I hope you washed your hands after touching your bottom, grandma said you'd touched your bum". She said "Yes mummy, I did". I said, was it your back bottom you were touching? If so, I hope you washed your hands with soap. She said no, I wasn't touching my bum, so I said to her - "Can you tell mummy or show mummy?" (obviously getting more and more worried) She said, "No, I can't - it's rude"

I really don't know what to make of this. Should I make anything of this?
I feel completely distroyed that this could have happened under my nose without me having a clue!
What do I do?
Do I do anything?
How can I approach her again without making her feel uncomfortable?
Who can I ask for help?

I didn't want him to have DD * DS tomorrow anyway. He's been bullying and lying his way through the divorce. We've been to mediation - the Mediator produced a report to both his solicitor & mine saying that Mediation won't work for us as he is unable/unwilling to stick to any agreements made.

With that in mind, I told my solicitor - he can't be trusted. I don't trust him to return DD & DS to me.

However, it was made very clear to me that I didn't have a choice.

Now this. I just don't know what to do about tomorrow. I know that he's spending the day with Nanna & Gramps (DH's Parents) So, I guess at least they'll be around too.

Ring the NSPCC now and ask them what to do re the contact.

You need to speak to someone TONIGHT to advise you how to proceed.

You could potentially be suspected of complicity etc if you still let him have them tomorrow.

Sorry - really difficult situation. I can see also it would be unwise to let him know your reasons - you must NOT discuss any of this with him.

Please try and get proper professional advice before you send them tomorrow.

Of course you know what to do! YOur DD has told you something that sounds like abuse, so you don't send her to the abuser - and you don't grin about it!!

Just because other people are around doesn't mean that abuse does not happen ime.

If you ring the out of hours emergency social work team (the number will be on your local authority website), they can intervene to ensure you can refuse to send them to DH tomorrow.

I'm so, so sorry this has happened to you all...

This is the reason I'm posting....

I'm beside myself! I was forced into letting him have them tomorrow.

Now this, this happened about an hour ago.

I just feel helpless. I don't want him to see them ever EVER again!

But, I need to know what I can do about it. I'm going to call the Police, NSPCC everyone. This is unbearable.

Nell, the OP didn't mean to grin, she just typed the emoticon wrongly...

a friend of mine was in a similar situation, turned up to be nothing, but
don't ask her anymore, take her to your gp to get eh ball rolling, they, or social services, will make an examination and talk to her, if there is cause for concern, an specialist psychologist will talk to her,
involve social services and they will inform the police if needed
if there is not cause for concern, at least you get piece of mind.
make an excuse and don't let him see any child untill you can be sure they're save.

Good God Sagacity Nell!!!

I'm in a bloody state here! I posted the wrong sodding face!!! WTF

speak to social services, they have an emergency duty team who can deal with this.
do not send the kids tomorrow.

Yes TBM is right - Out of hours Social Work team. That sounds like the answer.

They will have exactly the right idea what to do without stressing your daughter any more.

If you tell us your area we can prob find the website for you and a number. But I'm sure it won't be hard to find if you would rather not say where you are.

Sagacity, I think the grin happened by mistake, I'm pretty sure the OP mistyped ": ("

Thanks for advice - due to urgency I need to make some calls now.

Thanks for the advice.

Will update later.

You simply cannot send your dd to spend the day with a man who you think might be sexually abusing her!

Firstly it will make your daughter think that she is not believed/that there is nothing wrong in what is happening to her.
Secondly SS will point out to you that you seem unable to protect your daughter.
Thirdly I would imagine that your h's legal team would use this as "evidence" that the allegations are malicious (not saying that they are btw).

child protection hot line number 08000223222, call now, they'll now what to do

I don't know anything about this situation but I think you need to get professional advice NOW. Local social work should have someone available 24 hours but I would be inclined to start with the NSSPC. Don't leave this until morning, but if you absolutely can't get any help or advice tonight then just take the kids and go out, or make up a gastro bug or something, anything. Hopefully you'll be able to source proper advice much sooner though.

Good points Ladi

I hope you get some help asap, OP. Good luck. Make sure DD has plenty of cuddles and reassurance from you tonight.

I didn't know that there was a way to mistype the emoticons so for that i apologise. I stand by the rest of it though.

SN - you can type : then o for 'grin'

I think on some sites that would be a shocked face so OP probably typed it like that and it came out as the grin.

Sagacity, I didn't either - I thought grin had to be [ grin ] but you can also type ": o" - not sure why.

OP, hope you get some help on the phone.

There is no doubt in my mind that a man capable of forcing his small children out of their own home to live in a spare bedroom, is capable of far worse abuse than that too. He has already shown he is willing to do them harm. Ring whoever you have to as soon as possible, tonight, to get advice. If all else fails and you can't get help tonight, say they are ill tomorrow, with something contagious, so he can't see them. Vomiting bug or something.

good idea from dittany
Your DDs can have D&V tomorrow, need to stay in bed all day.
And yes, : o is a shock on MSN but a grin here, catches me out all the time