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Original poster

Blocking my feelings failing, don't know how to keep on going ...

36 replies

Keziahhopes · 15/08/2010 13:00

Guess my title sums it up.
I have been struggling ever since my cmht worker said she not see me anymore as she can choose to do that in the spring, then my private therapist/counsellor got ill and stopped seeing me apart from a few sessions to say "bye" and that she couldn't refer me to anyone else like her. So I threw myself into work etc, but my smiley face is so hard to maintain.

Today I just want the crying, bad dreams, low mood, lack of energy, desire to hurt self to go - forever. I write so factually as I don't feel like I am a person anymore. I don't deserve to heal, I know that.

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jaffacake2 · 15/08/2010 13:06

Go back to the gp and ask to be referred back into counselling of some kind. It sounds as though you were left in midtherepy and now are almost grieving for the loss of someone to help you through this.

You are a wortwhile person,dont hurt yourself,you will find strength to get through this but you need help. smiley face is a mask to the world and will soon slip leaving you feeling more vulnerable.

Please go and see gp and be honest how you feel,you deserve to enjoy the world. x

superdragonmama · 15/08/2010 13:08

You do deserve to heal: everyone deserves strength, success and happiness and you're the same as everyone else in deserving these things.

You sound so unhappy today, Kezia; do you have and friends and family that could support you today?

Please don't hurt yourself: we are none of us perfect, but we don't deserve to be punished for our imperfections.

I'm sending you a big hug x x x

Original poster
Keziahhopes · 15/08/2010 13:09

mask is slipping, hiding in bed.
But I don't know how to get through till see a gp... or rather I know where my head is going, and I am calm about it - whihc is scaring me a bit, but also not.... sorry, its a muddle,

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Original poster
Keziahhopes · 15/08/2010 13:12

superdragon - thanks.
No family apart from dh (well hve family, but they abused me so try to avoid them) .. and most friends write me a christmas card only now. Have one friend, but have to be ok with her, and am, but she has lots of friend s with little ones and I am not in that club, despite longing to be,
My birthday v soon, will spend whole day on my own, have 3 lovely cards and have to smile through it - I don't know how to smile now.

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jaffacake2 · 15/08/2010 13:12

Pick up the phone and speak to a family member or friend tell them how you are feeling now,you need someone with you as you sound really low.
Keep writing on this thread as we cre about you and am feeling worried for you.

jaffacake2 · 15/08/2010 13:14

Sorry my answer crossed with yours. Can your husband stay with you and contact an out of hours service gp as you sound very depressed.

Original poster
Keziahhopes · 15/08/2010 14:02

I can't express any emotion right now - and husband has to go away with work soon for a week (last time I took my first and only od) adn it taken me ages to convince him I am ok.

Sorry - don't want to bother or worry anyone. I guess writing here has helped me think.

I am not usually a woe is me person, but find it hard to make friends and am the person that helps others.

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Mumi · 15/08/2010 14:30

Sometimes we all have to let the mask slip, but as long as you can do it in a safe way. Try not to be so hard on yourself and just concentrate on taking one step at a time.

If you can't see a GP today, insist on an emergency appointment first thing tomorrow.
Hopefully you will feel better having made the call and then knowing you only have to hang on in there until you see them.

You do deserve to heal and you're not bothering anyone. Please keep writing x

madmouse · 15/08/2010 14:52

Hi Keziah - a bit shocked to find you under this title - sorry you are doing so badly darling.

You need to get back in therapy and this time with someone who doesn't think she's God's answer to you to such an extend that she hasn't even found you someone else (sorry still very Angry about this and if I knew her details I would report her for misconduct)

You need ot get talking again and no you don't need to get attached to your therapist to learn to trust and experience attachment (like she told you) - I didn't have to - I have an attachment problem (or had?) and I have worked on this in the context of dh/ds and close friends. I've also been able to change therapists midway through.

If you feel very calm at the idea of killing yourself and it seems the obvious thing to do you are in acute danger and you must reach out - your dh will get over it, you are more important than his work. Talk to someone please...

Original poster
Keziahhopes · 15/08/2010 22:14

Sorry I disappeared, dh found me in a mess and took me to a+e - where they forgot about me for 3hrs then thanks to 4hr rule saw me. One sister who I can't remember, a kind dr and hca... didn't refer me to crisis team as dr listened to the fact that crisis team told not allowed to see me due to cmht not seeing me! He writing to gp about lack of therapy ... kept me safe, and got bandaged up (that is very private but hca very nice).

Thanks for posts - am going to try and talk to gp tomorrow.

Madmouse - sorry, couldn't be bothered to name change! Yes, I guess a have an attachment problem and an abandonement problem, so thought of finding anyone else by myself and being able to trust them is very hard. Glad you been able to change therapists successfully - how did you find them?

My cpn, she dropped me in spring - and cmht allowed this, as I was "not making progress" despite the fact she not hardly seen me due to her hols and cancelling apt's since the autumn! And I not allowed any therapy on nhs as I work part-time, so am obv well enough for nhs round here.

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Original poster
Keziahhopes · 15/08/2010 22:15

dh not meant to find me - I not in the house when he did - I took all the house keys so to drive to find me he left teh house undone. Trying to be ok that I had no time to end thing, just hurt myself to punish me.

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autodidact · 15/08/2010 22:17

Sorry you are having a rough time.:( Has your GP tried referring you directly for NHS therapy? In my area this doesn't have to be done via CMHT. Waiting lists can be long though.

Original poster
Keziahhopes · 15/08/2010 22:31

No, my gp not referred me for therapy at all. Guess that is because after 18mth wait on nhs last time we gave up and went private - which worked until person decided to reduce their workload, including me, and left me feeling not great. I had a psychiatrist for medication/diagnosis, that got changed - can't see new one as long term sick, but don't want to after meeting him once before he retired and I had 2 locums then the good one who had to move jobs!!

Tried to fix myself the past 5mths and failed. Know psychotherapy here is for 12 sessions max, but not likely to get that. Think they moved from psychdynamic therapy with a nurse that I queued for before to cbt - rather than looking at me and arghh..... just don't feel like a person, don't want to be. Sorry, will stop moaning here.

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madmouse · 15/08/2010 23:07

Keziah please keep talking...

I had the 12 (well 14) sessions of psychotherapy on the NHS and afterthat my therapist was concerned that I would be left without support. She referred me to a charity that specialises in supporting adult survivors of child sexual abuse and they gave me a really good counsellor, actually better for me than the NHS therapist. I pay them what I can afford, anonymously, and there are no time limits.

Sorry should have said I went back to my old nickname to celebrate feeling better...

Original poster
Keziahhopes · 16/08/2010 18:37

Glad you feel better madmouse.

Saw gp, he said see the locum psychiatrist that is replacing the one off long-term sick and will see this person in 3 weeks, then go back to dr if not offered anything. So see gp in September ... I cried in front of gp, never do that, thankfully he just waited.
Your charity sounds good ... that would help me too, but I am so confused with what is my problem/diagnosis got changed so much that I would not know where to look. Not that there are any charities around here. I have been on antidepressants for 5yrs and not been offered any talking psychotherapy, and don't feel I deserve anything.

Gp said I generally cope so just continue doing that. Wanted to scream out "how?"

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Original poster
Keziahhopes · 17/08/2010 12:48

gone numb and low, can't explain.

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madmouse · 17/08/2010 13:09

Keziah for some reason I didn't see your post yesterday Hmm

My charity covers the whole of Warwickshire - any good? No idea where you are...

Not sure you need a diagnosis to talk to be honest.

I'm sorry you feel too numb and low to talk rigth now - I'll be here when you do want to talk x

Original poster
Keziahhopes · 17/08/2010 13:15

Sadly Warwickshire no good - am East of there, in Midlands.

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madmouse · 17/08/2010 13:31

You can't be far from me then - I'm in Nort-East Warwickshire bordering on Leicestershire

Original poster
Keziahhopes · 17/08/2010 13:34

No not too far from you, county just north (I think),

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Original poster
Keziahhopes · 17/08/2010 23:52

not coping, facing bad anniversary this week, am waking up crying...

and it is my birthday soon, which I hate, I hate me and others do as they ignore it. My dh even chose to take Mon, Tue off work this week as hol adn not my birthday. Need to disappear

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madmouse · 18/08/2010 09:20

Keziah don't disappear - you do matter and you can't do it on your own.

Can you tell what anniversary this is?

Original poster
Keziahhopes · 18/08/2010 11:10

of my 16th b'day ... nasty time, bad memories still thuere. Found my Mum, had to resuscitate, deal with. Got blamed, all my fault

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madmouse · 18/08/2010 12:22

Well it's hard to see how you would not have bad memories from that Sad

It can't have been your fault as you were only 16 and anyway it was her decision...

Thinking of you xx

Original poster
Keziahhopes · 18/08/2010 17:12

thanks, haven't voiced the reason for why this week hard in such a way before ... its the phonecalls this week, the reminders that makes it worse ...

found out got a mental health assessment on friday with someone - a nurse or ot, which can't face, will say all is well even if it isn't

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