Blocking my feelings failing, don't know how to keep on going ...

[Keziahhopes]

Guess my title sums it up.
I have been struggling ever since my cmht worker said she not see me anymore as she can choose to do that in the spring, then my private therapist/counsellor got ill and stopped seeing me apart from a few sessions to say "bye" and that she couldn't refer me to anyone else like her. So I threw myself into work etc, but my smiley face is so hard to maintain.

Today I just want the crying, bad dreams, low mood, lack of energy, desire to hurt self to go - forever. I write so factually as I don't feel like I am a person anymore. I don't deserve to heal, I know that.

Keziah what are you going to achieve by saying all is well? You will get no help, feel even more isolated and get worse!

But don't know how to say how things are - can't explain it, not in writing or words ... its hard to ask for help, cos I had it and then the cpn said they didn't want to work with me and that has been it for 5mths - nothing, and that was when the team said I needed more help. So scared of getting it wrong - as I obviously got it wrong to lose the therapy group I only just joined and then got told I couldn't go, got turned down from day hospital for not being good enough.... so if I say am well then they can't make things worse, can they?

sorry am rambling

Who told you you could not go to these things and why??

Was told by cpn and mental health team - if not have that cpn couldn't go to the group ... was withdrawn immediately. Dr at day hospital said "if I had known you had been referred here I wouldn't have let you do the 5 day assessment!" - cos he annoyed that his team having to pick up cmht's lack of whatever.

Doesn't matter, I just don't fit any boxes. Got an advocate but the cmht just not answer phone for weeks,then did nothing for months, then I was in hospital for septacemia when got apt end of July, so taken this long.

Wasn't my choice not to have the help - I was either too well or too ill according to them!

ok, apt was cancelled - which just reinforcing that I don't matter at all.

now have apt tomorrow ... it has been so long since the previous person from cmht thought they could treat me like they did, so scared - how to be real, what is real? Know they will say you been ok for 4 months so don't need help, or fear them going too much the other way which is what they did to me just before they dropped me!

Can't explain myself in person ... don't know what to feel, except angry not got me anywhere.

Keziah is dh going with you today? I'm sorry you are so scared that you will not be listened to. Please don't give up trying to explain how you feel. I find it hard to be any more specific as I have little idea of how you have been feeling as you struggle explaining it on here too. Sending you a hug x

madmouse, no dh not go with me. The lady turned up with a pile of forms and then told me that despite me having a letter saying she was my interim care-co-ordinator she isn't, just doing assessment ... and going on hol next week for 2 weeks.

Apparently they have divided one CMHT into 3 teams - assessment adn short term help, seriour illness team and one team for everyone else! And she said no-one knew what they were doing yet.

Was hard, telling her I got dumped by my cpn in spring and had nothing since. Had to say what my needs were - it took me months trying to work out what was wrong with me, just couldn't give a simple list, especially with my diagnosis changing 3 times in 2 months or so. So I tried to just talk ... now it gets taken to a team and she said I may not get the care I had before - so no care plan, no CPA, no care-coordinator (cut backs apparnetly!)... so went through all that for nothing. Never had therapy or psychologist ever so don't know what I can have if not have a cpn/sw/ot!

saw the new consultant, or rather he off sick long term, so locum who was very nice and I was able to talk, a bit.. she going to see me again in 2 weeks

Kezia
You sound so very low and abandoned. Is there any way you could seek private counselling (BACP website is a good place to start - or through a charity). It doesn't need to cost a lot but gives you more control about what you do.

It's very important that you 'click' with your therapist and that they offer you unconditional regard - not their own agenda.

You sound as if you need someone you can work with long term to build up trust and proper rapport.

Perhaps just taking a little bit of control back to yourself may help.

shoormal - thanks, I did have a private therapist but she decided to reduce her workload right in the midst of work we were doing, so lost her this summer. I am scared to start again, and having spent a lot of money building up a relationship to lose it, can't keep doing that - emotionally or financially.