Blocking my feelings failing, don't know how to keep on going ...

[Keziahhopes]

Guess my title sums it up.
I have been struggling ever since my cmht worker said she not see me anymore as she can choose to do that in the spring, then my private therapist/counsellor got ill and stopped seeing me apart from a few sessions to say "bye" and that she couldn't refer me to anyone else like her. So I threw myself into work etc, but my smiley face is so hard to maintain.

Today I just want the crying, bad dreams, low mood, lack of energy, desire to hurt self to go - forever. I write so factually as I don't feel like I am a person anymore. I don't deserve to heal, I know that.

[Keziahhopes]

shoormal - thanks, I did have a private therapist but she decided to reduce her workload right in the midst of work we were doing, so lost her this summer. I am scared to start again, and having spent a lot of money building up a relationship to lose it, can't keep doing that - emotionally or financially.

[shoormal]

Kezia
You sound so very low and abandoned. Is there any way you could seek private counselling (BACP website is a good place to start - or through a charity). It doesn't need to cost a lot but gives you more control about what you do.

It's very important that you 'click' with your therapist and that they offer you unconditional regard - not their own agenda.

You sound as if you need someone you can work with long term to build up trust and proper rapport.

Perhaps just taking a little bit of control back to yourself may help.

[Keziahhopes]

saw the new consultant, or rather he off sick long term, so locum who was very nice and I was able to talk, a bit.. she going to see me again in 2 weeks

[Keziahhopes]

madmouse, no dh not go with me. The lady turned up with a pile of forms and then told me that despite me having a letter saying she was my interim care-co-ordinator she isn't, just doing assessment ... and going on hol next week for 2 weeks.

Apparently they have divided one CMHT into 3 teams - assessment adn short term help, seriour illness team and one team for everyone else! And she said no-one knew what they were doing yet.

Was hard, telling her I got dumped by my cpn in spring and had nothing since. Had to say what my needs were - it took me months trying to work out what was wrong with me, just couldn't give a simple list, especially with my diagnosis changing 3 times in 2 months or so. So I tried to just talk ... now it gets taken to a team and she said I may not get the care I had before - so no care plan, no CPA, no care-coordinator (cut backs apparnetly!)... so went through all that for nothing. Never had therapy or psychologist ever so don't know what I can have if not have a cpn/sw/ot!

[madmouse]

Keziah is dh going with you today? I'm sorry you are so scared that you will not be listened to. Please don't give up trying to explain how you feel. I find it hard to be any more specific as I have little idea of how you have been feeling as you struggle explaining it on here too. Sending you a hug x

[Keziahhopes]

now have apt tomorrow ... it has been so long since the previous person from cmht thought they could treat me like they did, so scared - how to be real, what is real? Know they will say you been ok for 4 months so don't need help, or fear them going too much the other way which is what they did to me just before they dropped me!

Can't explain myself in person ... don't know what to feel, except angry not got me anywhere.

[Keziahhopes]

ok, apt was cancelled - which just reinforcing that I don't matter at all.

[Keziahhopes]

Was told by cpn and mental health team - if not have that cpn couldn't go to the group ... was withdrawn immediately. Dr at day hospital said "if I had known you had been referred here I wouldn't have let you do the 5 day assessment!" - cos he annoyed that his team having to pick up cmht's lack of whatever.

Doesn't matter, I just don't fit any boxes. Got an advocate but the cmht just not answer phone for weeks,then did nothing for months, then I was in hospital for septacemia when got apt end of July, so taken this long.

Wasn't my choice not to have the help - I was either too well or too ill according to them!

[madmouse]

Who told you you could not go to these things and why??

[Keziahhopes]

But don't know how to say how things are - can't explain it, not in writing or words ... its hard to ask for help, cos I had it and then the cpn said they didn't want to work with me and that has been it for 5mths - nothing, and that was when the team said I needed more help. So scared of getting it wrong - as I obviously got it wrong to lose the therapy group I only just joined and then got told I couldn't go, got turned down from day hospital for not being good enough.... so if I say am well then they can't make things worse, can they?

sorry am rambling

[madmouse]

Keziah what are you going to achieve by saying all is well? You will get no help, feel even more isolated and get worse!

[Keziahhopes]

thanks, haven't voiced the reason for why this week hard in such a way before ... its the phonecalls this week, the reminders that makes it worse ...

found out got a mental health assessment on friday with someone - a nurse or ot, which can't face, will say all is well even if it isn't

[madmouse]

Well it's hard to see how you would not have bad memories from that

It can't have been your fault as you were only 16 and anyway it was her decision...

Thinking of you xx

[Keziahhopes]

of my 16th b'day ... nasty time, bad memories still thuere. Found my Mum, had to resuscitate, deal with. Got blamed, all my fault

[madmouse]

Keziah don't disappear - you do matter and you can't do it on your own.

Can you tell what anniversary this is?

[Keziahhopes]

not coping, facing bad anniversary this week, am waking up crying...

and it is my birthday soon, which I hate, I hate me and others do as they ignore it. My dh even chose to take Mon, Tue off work this week as hol adn not my birthday. Need to disappear

[Keziahhopes]

No not too far from you, county just north (I think),

[madmouse]

You can't be far from me then - I'm in Nort-East Warwickshire bordering on Leicestershire

[Keziahhopes]

Sadly Warwickshire no good - am East of there, in Midlands.

[madmouse]

Keziah for some reason I didn't see your post yesterday

My charity covers the whole of Warwickshire - any good? No idea where you are...

Not sure you need a diagnosis to talk to be honest.

I'm sorry you feel too numb and low to talk rigth now - I'll be here when you do want to talk x

[Keziahhopes]

gone numb and low, can't explain.

[Keziahhopes]

Glad you feel better madmouse.

Saw gp, he said see the locum psychiatrist that is replacing the one off long-term sick and will see this person in 3 weeks, then go back to dr if not offered anything. So see gp in September ... I cried in front of gp, never do that, thankfully he just waited.
Your charity sounds good ... that would help me too, but I am so confused with what is my problem/diagnosis got changed so much that I would not know where to look. Not that there are any charities around here. I have been on antidepressants for 5yrs and not been offered any talking psychotherapy, and don't feel I deserve anything.

Gp said I generally cope so just continue doing that. Wanted to scream out "how?"

[madmouse]

Keziah please keep talking...

I had the 12 (well 14) sessions of psychotherapy on the NHS and afterthat my therapist was concerned that I would be left without support. She referred me to a charity that specialises in supporting adult survivors of child sexual abuse and they gave me a really good counsellor, actually better for me than the NHS therapist. I pay them what I can afford, anonymously, and there are no time limits.

Sorry should have said I went back to my old nickname to celebrate feeling better...

[Keziahhopes]

No, my gp not referred me for therapy at all. Guess that is because after 18mth wait on nhs last time we gave up and went private - which worked until person decided to reduce their workload, including me, and left me feeling not great. I had a psychiatrist for medication/diagnosis, that got changed - can't see new one as long term sick, but don't want to after meeting him once before he retired and I had 2 locums then the good one who had to move jobs!!

Tried to fix myself the past 5mths and failed. Know psychotherapy here is for 12 sessions max, but not likely to get that. Think they moved from psychdynamic therapy with a nurse that I queued for before to cbt - rather than looking at me and arghh..... just don't feel like a person, don't want to be. Sorry, will stop moaning here.

[autodidact]

Sorry you are having a rough time.:( Has your GP tried referring you directly for NHS therapy? In my area this doesn't have to be done via CMHT. Waiting lists can be long though.