Starting all over again...

[jabberwocky]

I really thought i had come to terms with ds's birth (undiagnosed breech = lots of trauma) but it still keeps coming back...

Anyone else have this?

How long ago was it? It sounds horrible. Are you ok physically? ((hugs))

Mine was pretty bad and I get flashbacks too. I went through a post-traumatic stress disorder exercise with the NCT a while back but perhaps need to do it again as it has worn off and I find myself 'seeing' it all again very clearly and crying.

My ds is 2 and still feel very sad and angry re the birth. Not the same as you Jabberwocky (pre eclamsia, massive drop in bp caused a fit after delivery.....blah!) But I can realate to the feeling of having come to terms with the birth and then having peroods where it all seems very clear in my mind still. Know there have been links on here to a site for those who have had traumatic births......might it help you do you think to chat to someone?

I am lucky and never had a traumatic time, but i think everyone needs to talk about it and if it was bad the need is greater. One of mine was poorly at birth and I dont remember much about it! It was a few years before I could remember anything so the talking was delayed. I assume that with a really traumatic experience you shut it out longer so the talking will come later and the healing will take longer. You need to have a few chats with someone. Have you got a friend or hv that would listen? if not i am a good listner!

I only came to terms with my DD1?s traumatic birth after DD2 was born and I could finally put a handle on my feelings and mentally close the door on those emotions - that was 2 and a half years later. Hadn?t realised how strong those emotions still were until I was in a place where I could look back and deal with it. I remember when my sister came round to see DD2 as a new baby and I was in floods of tears - she said the usual things about my hormones and new baby etc and I suprised her by saying "no, not this birth, the first one!" shocked and suprised us both I think
I did talk it through at the time with various people but after a while I felt that everyone expected me to shut up about the birth and get on being a mum, focus on the future etc. so I stopped talking about it. Unfortunately, the feelings of anger and violation along with feeling they betrayed my trust, made poor decisions that led to a risky delivery etc all stayed with me. I am convinced that it affected my bonding with DD1 - who I adore but have totally different emotional bond compared with DD2 who is simply my sunshine - pure happiness and joy. My emotions for DD1 are as strong but more complex I think.

jabberwocky, mumtosomeone is right when she says you need to talk about it, even if it is not in rl and on here. I didn?t talk about it enough becuase I felt people expected me to be happy and positive, wanted to know about the baby not my difficult emotional state. Wish I had made more of an effort to find someone to understand, be prepared to listen and deal with it sooner rather than years later.

Oh my God, basket, you put it so well: "the feelings of anger and violation along with feeling they betrayed my trust, made poor decisions that led to a risky delivery etc". That is exactly how I feel.

(Sorry to hijack the thread)

basketcase, you have really hit upon it. I found myself crying about it last night as if it had just happened (ds is 2). Betrayed is exactly it. I did go through some counselling, but I know I didn't stick with it long enough. It was just so hard, an hour's drive and $100 a session...I've been thinking about getting pregnant again, wondering if that would be a healing experience, but dh is understandably reluctant.