I miss you all

[Sax]

Hi all,

I know I have had involvement with many threads on this subject but I just wanted everyone to know I do miss you all. I find depression very difficult to get my head round.

Most of the time I feel pretty detatched from life, i never know whether I feel ok or am going to sink because of something which happens or I am going to manage.

I am trying my hardest just to take each day as it comes, it seems best not to think too far ahead becasue this is too overwhelming.

I miss lots of you and hope you guys are all doing ok, i am so grateful for the support people gave me at my lowest and I know someone believed I was heading for a full breakdown which I believe now I think I was but hopefully I have managed to turn this around.

I have now stopped drinking the way I was and manage to have a drink for enjoyment and not necessity to cope, I have the boys a little more under control and my dh and I are working as a team I think.

So all in all just a total update and hoping the people who have all been so fantastic and supportive read this and know they played a part in my not going under totally.

I'll get there, I have to is now my attitude! The mind has frightened me so now its got to be onwards and upwards however hard I am going to find it!

I am trying my best guys and thank you!

Sax xxx

Hey sax - what are you on about ?!!
we haven?t gone anywhere - right here for you matey.
You are not alone, I promise you and there is always someone on here willing and wanting to listen and support you.
It is so obvious to anyone who has read your heartfelt, honest and warm posts that you are trying so hard to tackle this and I am sure I am not alone in saying that I am really proud of you xx
just keep talking and fighting

Sorry Basketcase, was just feeling alone in my head - thank you for your words, I know you say write but I hate just looking like I'm whinging again!
Thanks though, good to know you are there!

Sax xx

having a drink, hopefully not too many though cos i don't want to feel worse but hard day again! Wish i could stop sinking every so often cos i just want to get rid of this bloody depression but how to do it is harder than just saying 'change your attitude'.
Why can't i handle this? Sorry to write in this state again but don't want to have thoughts spinning around in my head without expressing them on here.

Wish it wasn't such a long hard slog, feel a bit pathetic again writing such negative thoughts

Sax

{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}} from a former sufferer of depression! I too used to drink to cope but unfortunately found that the more I drank, the more depressed I became, more depressed I got, I self-harmed. Nasty circle to be in. Hopefully you to will find the strength to break it. It does get easier I promise xxxxxxxxx

Awe Sax

(((((hugs))))))

you have my number hun, im always here

Sorry

Sax do not be sorry, I have suffered depression and other things since I was a child so I totally understand how you are feeling. There is always someone to talk on here....take care of you.

Well I didn't drink too much and didn't sink too low so not bad really but still don't want to wake up and face another day right now.

Suppose i must though and suppose i have to cope too so i must stop being so damned pathetic and pick myself up a bit.

cheers guys, gosh i am pretty embarressed at this thread now.

Sax xx

you have nothing to feel embarrased about Sax, I have been there and still battle with MY feelings from day to day, i think I will be battling with life for the rest of mine, honest. You are not pathetic at all and sometimes it is hard to pick yourself up, like I said I struggle to also day to day but somehow make it through, you can talk and this is what mumsnet is all about.

Trouble is everyone must be so fed up with hearing the crap that i just think I can't do this here anymore, ppl have been patient enough with me and I bore myself with saying the negative things i say.
I am sorry I truely am, just one of those nights

hey Sax dont be sorry again okay, I have had days and nights like this myself. You cannot help how you feel and its good to let it out so please please dont feel sorry for it hun.

Hi Sax, not bored, pretty new on here, posted on lone parents. I'm up for a while if you want to chat about anything you like. Might change my name to 'nice but dim'. Oh yeah, I'm a fella.

thanks for joining northerndad good to hear some more support for Sax

I'm just tearful tonight and having one of those days so i'll try and sleep, stop thinking and hopefully wake up in a more positive mood. I hate depression and I resent that its happened to me although (don't be cross toothache) but I still think its my fault its happened!

why would it be your fault....noone can help suffereing depression. Take care okay and CAT me if you want to talk further okay.

I still can' tget my head round that depression is not something one brings upon oneself if you have stress in your life the majority of ppl just cope and get on with it, so why couldn't i, I haven't had some huge sudden upset, so its my responsibility to cope with my stress not suddenly think, 'i've had enough I am going to sink and give up trying' which is what i feel like!

this is why there is such a stigma and there should not be, it does not matter whether you have experienced a trauma or not, depression can hit anyone at anytime and it is not something that we can help. Some people go day to day and cope with everything some people dont.

yeah, used to think the same, hated what it did to me as well. I was alone all through it and found it difficult(to say the least). Don't know what the most important things are in your life, but whatever they are just focus on them, let the rest come together itself. by the way I'm crap at giving advice, but I'll try.

Yes i know to concentrate on the most important things in my life is vital and its what has kept me going and will continue to do so I suppose!

I still can't buy the it happens to anyone at anytime though cos it shouldn't be happenening to me, not saying i'm special and should be immune just feel i should be stronger and not give in to it!!

Sax understand totally......I am on antiD at mo not that I think they work very well, are you??

You are special, and you aren't giving in to it cos your sitting here talking to us. Now tell us anything you like otherwise I'll start babbling and send you to sleep.

def northerndad.........sax???

I am on antiDs and yes after initially not working, i had them upped so they are now and i have lots more up days than down now! Northerndad thanks for saying i'm special, you don't know that and i don't feel it, but thank you anyway!
I often feel pretty detached which is better than the low in the gutter feeling however it makes you shut off and evade what you should be doing, like not living, just existing and a front to the world!

yes i feel this on antid too, and the higher you go the more they shut off your emotions and you feel zombie like just exsisting, I am on a low dose at the mo and should really have them upped as still feeling not so good but hate the way they feel.......

mummyoffour sorry to hear you aren't feeling good at the mo, how long have you been on antiDs? Are you four littleuns or biguns?