My husband doesn't want anymore children

[Kara344]

Hello all. I find myself in a situation I didn't expect to find myself in and with no one to talk to on the subject. My husband doesn't want anymore children and if I'm being honest I really do 💔
I hated being an only child as a child and I don't much like it as an adult. For me, it's been a very lonely experience and at times really hard. I'm not saying siblings are built in best friends because they aren't but there are benefits to them (someone to play with, someone to help with parents, someone to understand what it's like to have the parents you have).

I'm heartbroken and I have made my husband aware of this. It's going to take time for me to come around to this idea but ultimately I'd never force a baby on someone who doesn't want one - I don't think a baby is a maybe thing.

Can anyone share their experiences or give me an idea on how to cope with this change in my life plan? Please be gentle as I'm very emotional on the subject (maybe pathetic I know! But I just need time to adjust).

I wanted another child and hubby said no, and it has altered our relationship. It’s one of the things I’m resentful about in our relationship now, even though I’m too old to have a baby now.
I suppose the question is what do you want more, a child or this relationship, and how would you feel if you broke up and it was too late for another child. If it’s really affecting you, and I know how it invades every thought, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to access some counselling to talk it through.

Siblings arent always a good thing, me & my brother fought like cat & dog when young and now as adults im lucky if he repiles to my yearly text message! Havent seen him in years & he rarely bothers with our parents (they have to go through his girlfriend to find out if hes still alive type thing.)
So please dont think there are always benefits because sometimes there isn’t.

that said if you would really like another child, you need to weigh up if you wish to leave your dh to find someone who does want more dc or very slowly, learn to live with it. X

OP how old is your child? Are you still at a point where maybe it's still hard and he can't picture another? What are his reasons for not wanting another?

Ultimately though, neither of you are in the wrong here, and if there is no change from either of you, there are hard decisions to be made.

Leaving a healthy, stable marriage and forcing your existing child into some kind of broken-home, 50/50 type scenario because you want another child would be the height of selfishness, and cruelty. So if you take that off the table, you just have to live with it.

How old is your current child?

He is 2 🙂.
Separating/ divorcing my husband over this isn't an option for me I'm just not sure how I either encourage him to see my side of things or I move past this. It feels very unfair when an agreement was made and one person has changed their mind but I do understand that's life.

Thanks for your opinion. Although if you can't say something nice - don't say anything at all!

Yep. Ignore that unhelpful post.

I think counselling for you both. He is being extremely unfair.
I was in a similar situation many years ago. Luckily about a year later a friend of his (nothing to do with me) made him see the error of his ways. I'm eternally grateful to that friend and DH has never said he regrets it even though the gap was bigger than ideal which was problematic at times. I had to "hold the baby/younger child" while DH did the fun things with older child. Perhaps that's always the way it works!

Your child is only 2, so your husband might change his mind but you do need to be sure you’ll be happy if he doesn’t.

I was an only child who had a fantastic childhood (I’m not saying yours was rubbish, but just offering my opinion). I was always out and about with other children and families, I didn’t ever feel lonely or anything - you can make it still full of other children, just not your own. However, I didn’t want my first born to be an only child, this wasn’t because of the childhood part but the adulthood part - and losing a parent and having to be fully responsible for everything with the other etc.

@oviraptor21 why was it ‘error of his ways’? People can change their mind. Not knowing what parenthood was like until having a child, many people dream about having 2 then after having one, feel that is enough. 2 children is not the holy grail.

I have a DB, fought like cat and dog as children. Haven’t spoken to each other for 20 years. It has only been me looking after our elderly parents.

@StampOnTheGround see my post, there is no guarantee a sibling will be there for elderly parents. Might be easier being an only as won’t have resentment added to the stress and worry

I think counselling is a good idea. My daughter persuaded her H to have another child, there was a ridiculous ‘deal’ done - along the lines of you can have a motorbike if I can have a baby. Her H resented and struggled with it from day one and the whole dynamic changed. He is now an ex H - don’t get me wrong, the man is a big baby himself and a total arsehole but this is something which isn’t as easy as one person persuading the other to their way of thinking.

Your child is only 2, you are still in the thick of it in the trenches. Give it a few years and when things are easier your husband may change his mind but he also may not you and need to respect that.

DH and I changed our minds from 2 to 1 after I had a miscarriage when DS was 2. Hard as it is for you, he’s entitled to change his mind. No child should be unwanted.

PP possibly didn’t put it the best way, but isn’t your only alternative to end your marriage and find someone else to have another child with?

I really feel for you OP. I was in the same situation, when our child was one DH said he'd changed his mind about wanting two children. (We'd always openly discussed wanting two). I felt so torn, because while I respected that he had a right to change his mind I also felt so strongly about wanting a second. I withdrew physically which he resented. A lot was said during that time that has stayed with us six years later. DH did decide he wanted to try for another child after two years of to and froing, so on that level I feel very lucky to have the family I'd hoped for. What he finds harder is that now when he changes his mind about life decisions I find it brings up all the emotions again from when our life felt very unpredictable.

So I guess whatever happens in my experience there's lasting effects. Is your DH able to say why he's changed his mind? (Turned out for my DH becoming a father was a really hard adjustment for him and he was very scared that something might go wrong as my first pregnancy was high risk). But it took him a long time to be able to articulate that to me.

I'm so sorry to hear that you went through that. Yes, I do need to respect his decision. I'm just finding that hard - I suppose selfishly I feel like he's moved the goal posts of our relationship and now I'm struggling to envision my life. But ultimately, yes I don't have an option because divorce isn't something I want to do.

He just says he feels we are complete. He likes our life like this, cost of living is a concern - not at the moment but just generally the unknown. He doesn't like his sibling so doesn't understand why I wouldn't want ours to be an only.

If we had agreed on one before we got married I would feel differently, also I probably wouldn't have gotten married. I wanted a life without someone who wanted the same life as me (if that makes sense) but we now have our lovely child and there is no room for separation or divorce so I'm just struggling with the acceptance part (and still hoping that he will change his mind).

I'm very worried I won't make peace with it and I'll resent him.

This. My mum was an only child and desperately wanted me to have siblings. My brother and I were so different and fought constantly. It’s taken 50 years and the death of my father for us to just about get on, but I don’t think we’ll ever be close.

Sometimes I think it can be the case who don't have a massive urge to have a second to feel content with their lives as their baby becomes a toddler and their own little person. They are close enough to the early days to remember how tough they may have been but are now seeing how lovely it is to be out of it. Perhaps if your DC's early days were hard, he sees this as the good part with no need to go back.

CoL is a concern right now, especially if you need childcare.

It's a really hard one OP, and I feel for you.

I'm sorry that's your relationship. Thank you for sharing it. I don't have many people in my life who feel this way about their siblings and perhaps I've romanticised it slightly.

I just had a vision of my life and need to let it go.

Did you agree on a number before you had your first?

to be honest this is something I’d find hard to move past. I have three siblings and although it wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows I can see how hard it would be to be an only child as they age.

Interesting his point about feeling the family is complete. I’ve heard a lot of men say that about their last child, no matter how many they have. One colleague with 3 children when asked why they had 3 says “number 3 made our family complete”. Yet if you’d asked when they only had two, he would have said the family is complete. So it’s a natural feeling, but it doesn’t actually tell you how many children you should have because whatever you wind up with feels like the complete family.

I know a number of men - my DH included - who after their first DC was born felt that they loved their DC so much and the DC was so amazing that the dad felt he simply couldn’t love another in the same way so it wasn’t fair to have another. Of course, when our second DC came along my husband found that of course your capacity to love your children is infinite and of course you live the second one just as much, without that in any way detracting from your love for the first.

I also think counselling might be a good idea here.

I think you might benefit from joint counselling on this. Soon, not when the resentment has had years to grow.

@NoOneToTextWhenThePlaneLands each child before TTC should be considered, not just based on a dream/wish you had initially. Circumstances can change, financial situation can change, health etc. People shouldn't be blindly going on to have 2, 3 etc children because that's what they dreamt about/agreed when they got together.

How many threads on here with posters horrified about how much university fees are costing them and wailing they have 3 children, how can they afford it! Yet many posts on MN will tell them think about future costs before TTC for another child. Many threads on siblings not getting on, some with special needs, the stress of that and not coping, but, but we agreed to have 3 children before we got married, so 3 children we must have!

So your advice is to read the negative posts? I actually really like this idea! Thank you!