I’m 37 and childless, and my fertility is low.

[Foresthealing]

I’m 37 and childless, and my fertility is low.
My partner and I are happy — we have our fur babies, a lovely home, and a great life together. Lately, though, we’ve been thinking about trying for a baby.
My fertility is affected by endometriosis, so while it’s not impossible, it would be challenging. The thing is, I’m 37 — and part of me wonders if it’s too late. We have a good life: we’re active, we travel often, we go out, and we enjoy our freedom. I know having a child would change all of that, and logically I tell myself that would be fine…
But.
All my friends with kids seem exhausted, unhappy, and struggling financially. Their lives seem to revolve entirely around parenthood, and I barely recognize them anymore.
I want to be a mum — but I don’t want to lose myself in the process.
It’s hard to talk about this openly because it feels almost taboo. Parents always say, “It’s worth it, I love my kids,” but no one seems to give an honest answer about what it’s really like.
So, tell me — is it truly worth it?

No one can answer that for you
having a child isn’t logical but lots of people do it
as for losing yourself - you will change after motherhood
your experience of it will depend on how much your child sleeps and how much your partner digs in

Only you can decide for yourself but I dont regret having my dc one bit. Yes its tough during sleepless nights but those years go by, however I had my dc aged over a decade younger than you are now. Im not yet your age and my life is coming towards the other end of it all now. I have my own hobbies, dh and I have holidays/weekends away child free,

Being a parent has enhanced and enriched my life immeasurably but its a personal choice really

I think long as your partner is willing and does 50 percent of the work, its fine. I wouldnt of coped any where near as well if my husband wasnt hands on with dc. You would need to make a decision soon though.

Following.

I’m 36 and I flip flop on a weekly basis. I like the idea of being the parent of an adult child in 30 years’ time, but very little about raising small children appeals. It’s tough at this age because life is so great and we would be giving up a lot. I also worry a lot about how the stress of a baby would impact my relationship with DP.

Lots to think about.

Nobody should have a child unless they are 100% sure it's what they want as, yes, it does change your life completely as your responsible for another human who you put first for the rest of your life.........yes I mean that even though mine are in their 30s & 40s I would still put their needs before mine!
Having said that it's the best thing in the world, in my opinion, to be a mother but I was 100% sure i wanted children from being about 11 years old🥰

There's no right or wrong. I think it's useful to recognise that both choices come with sacrifices. I have a child and the downsides you mention are real - less money, less time for myself, less travel, career has suffered My own mum found being a mother very hard and would probably have been happier without kids, my sibling is child free by choice, as is my best friend, and I definitely understand their viewpoint. There's probably no choice you can make in life that will change it more dramatically and irreversibly.

However, I personally wouldn't change it. My child has brought me so much love, adventure and learning. It's been a joy. And you do get gradually get yourself back as they get older. Only you can decide if you want to go for it.

Given your age, I assume your friends have young kids. Having a baby/toddler is incredibly, horribly exhausting. We are talking years of sleep deprivation and you absolutely do lose yourself in it.

But they do come out of toddler hood, around 4-5 you can have lovely conversations, they can entertain themselves while you make dinner etc.

The worrying and the extra work doesn't stop but the hardest bit is the earliest years (for us anyway).

I can only answer for myself, but personally yes, it’s absolutely completely and utterly worth it. Is it hard at times? Yes. But have I ever, even for one day thought “god I wish I hadn’t done this”- no.

I loved our lives before we had our children and I would have said I was happy and fulfilled then, we did some amazing things, trips, meals, holidays, everything, but I can genuinely say for me personally none of those things ever came close to the pure love & happiness I get from being a mum.

As an older mum (I was 40 when I had my one and only) I can relate to parts of your story - life is good so why upset that? No one can decide for you. I’ll be as honest as I can though.

Pregnancy and childbirth changes your body. Eg I can’t use a mooncup anymore. It just falls out. Also pelvic floor still needs some work. Probably related.

I’ve become used to being tired to the point I just don’t really notice, and I often wonder what on earth I did with all my time before I had a child. Hours and hours of doing whatever I wanted. I miss those days sometimes.

Like your friends we have no money and no time, but we are happy. Watching my DC play with his bestie in the park and giggling at them with my new bestie who I wouldn’t have met otherwise, makes everything worth it. And it does adjust your priorities.

How much your life changes partly depends on you though. You can do the things you like doing now, you just have to slow it down a bit, adapt things and bring them along. Eg if you like cycling, you incorporate this into family life. Enjoy crafts? Get the kids involved. Like museums and galleries? Bring them too, then find a playground after. Some things are harder though like house renovations, and some hobbies might be on the back burner for a while whilst the kids are small. Clothes shopping uninterrupted in an actual shop is something I never do any more, but actually I don’t really miss it and can’t afford it anyway!

Also depends on your family set up and if you have people around you to help or babysit occasionally, or often! I see others who have family who live in the same town and how different life is for them and us, although I know everyone has their own challenges.

Is it worth it? For me yes 100%, I love our team of 3. Sharing the things you love and seeing them develop their own interests is incredible. There’s things I know I will enjoy doing again when DC is older and doesn’t need me so much, too.

Parent guilt is very real, I feel I’m only doing an average job of work and parenting most of the time. But being a parent has changed me, I want to be a good example and show DC how to be a good human. That’s the goal, anyway!

good luck with your decision and the next chapter

Agree. When DC waved bye bye and then ran back down the path this morning to give me a kiss before going to nursery I thought my heart would burst.

Given your age and fertility issues then this might not be a choice you get to make sadly.

Don't let it make you unhappy. You are happy then that's good. It doesn't matter that you get lots of women saying how fulfilled they are to have dc. I think you'd know if you wanted dc.

I think the average life seems a bit empty without dc but you could always choose to make your life less average doing the things parents dont have time for. I'm imagining things like taking up rowing or running a crafting club or learning an instrument and joining an orchestra.

My friend planned a big world trip to Mark the end of her last cycle of IVF if it failed but that was 15 years ago and she has a 15yo!

The other problem is you now has to make a decision that suits future you. I'm pretty sure you won't be cursing having a child but you might curse not. It's hard. You need to think k about how you really feel because how I feel about dc is irrelevant to you.

I would prefer to not have two people in the world who I love so much that my life depends on their survival and happiness. Parents rarely admit that they regret having children because they think that somehow diminishes their love.

Plus, from what I can see, there have recently been some increases in various environmental issues that have exceeded predictions. So logically, it doesn't make sense to have children but hormones do funny things to the brain and body.

thank you all. I really appreciate reading your comments on here and please do keep them coming. It’s difficult because part of me has always wanted to be a mom but because of my age and the fact that I haven’t had children yet, I’m now starting to feel like I’m not sure because I have such a good life.

And I know that I would have to make huge sacrifices which I would do of course. but it just feels like I’m almost a little bit late in life to be doing well. A lot of my friends have children that are already grown up now so part of me worries about being lonely as well. Though I understand you can make friends in child groups etc my partner is really supportive. He’s happy to have have children or not have children and he’s very supportive in anything we do so I’m lucky in that aspect but I just feel so conflicted because part of me just thinks we should just go for it and do it now before it’s too late and then the other part of me feels like why change things when we have such a good life. I feel very conflicted.

I was an older mum, who didn’t want kids for most of my life, and through the whole of one marriage. Current DH convinced me to have DC.

It completely changed my life, and DD has ADHD and never slept as a baby and toddler so I would have seemed utterly exhausted, stressed, depressed and overwhelmed to everyone. We had no family help so we didn’t get any free time and anyone being sick was a nightmare. It makes you poorer, more tired and your heart lives outside your body 100% of the time so you are never truly calm unless you know your kid is OK.

DD is the best person I know, DH is a wonderful husband and father, we love our life and wouldn’t change it.

As someone who didn’t want children, and did it anyway I’d say this, rather than an agonising choice, it’s just a simple one. I believe I would have had a happy life if I hadn’t had DD. I would have travelled more, done exciting things and had more cash to do them with. I would have had more dogs! I had DC and I have a happy life. I spent yesterday in a lovely country park with teenage DD talking about all sorts of things. It’s just two paths, different but both good.

Honestly 1 was so easy, DD was a chilled baby & we’ve always just taken her everywhere with us. She’s out numbered so we got loads of chill time to ourselves and 1:1 time with DD. Never really had loads of baby sitting but didn’t need it. One isn’t wildly expensive and the new government hours from 9 months makes a huge difference financially. 2 on the other hand, wow, that’s really when we have felt the juggle. DD2 is brilliant in her own right, mostly just comes along for the ride to be honest. But the juggle of 2 is what really impacts your life! 1 would for sure be a blessing IF you do want that. If you’re comfortable and enjoying your life as is, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that either!

Just as an aside, I know not everyone will find 1 easy but it’s just my personal experience.

Two of my friends actually had a private chat with me and said this! They said If you're going to do it, just have 1!

They both have two each and said they both regret having another. They said they love their kids but if they could go back they would

Honestly. I really mean it, 2 adults to 1 child is so fun. It really helps that we are 50:50 parents/earn about the same so take it in turns if DD is sick etc, so I do think it’s a consideration and a conversation to have with DH as to how the parenting split may look. I don’t regret having 2 and we are on the fence about a 3rd, but I can really see the draw of 1 and done! Our eldest has done so much travelling with us. DD2 has too tbf but she’s only 11m still and we consider trips a bit more now that we have 2, we would maybe just dive in head first when it was just the 3 of us.

I have two girls and they are a year apart. They adore each other and share the same bed. They have their own rooms ! But they are inseparable .
The bond is amazing. To me 2 is hard yes but incredible !

if your life is on pause for children- may as well have 2 !!!

I don't think you have to be 100% sure, nor is that even possible if you have no frame of reference for what it actually like to personally experience motherhood. You basically don't know what you're signing up for, so there's always a bit of a gamble, and that's not even counting disability/injury/partner troubles etc. I think babies can make you grow up and grow into responsibility too! That was definitely the case for me. It's opened up so many worlds of feeling and experience. I feel very alive!

Happiness is very hard to hold onto all the time and sometimes the things that make you content/fulfilled aren't all that fun while you're stuck in the middle of them.

As a relatively newish parent to young kids, I can say parenting is a great, and life changing experience.

However, I now do not view it as a tragedy if someone never becomes a parent - whether willingly or unwillingly. There's so much more to life.

I'm not sure what you want out of this really @Foresthealing - no one can tell you what your children would be like or how you personally would handle it. If you don't want to have kids then don't have them, this seems like a ploy to get all the sob stories out about how hard it is so you can swing your vote to deciding not to.

I had my kids at the same age as you, seemingly had a life very similar to yours which I loved and wondered if I'd ever be happy giving it up etc etc. But I went ahead being 80% sure and here I am 2 kids later, so grateful I did it before I got too old. The sleepless nights were few, it wasn't hell, tantrums are rare, DH and I are a good team, we travel as a family, we go away without them, they eat, they sleep, they play - all the good things. It really depends on so many factors that you'll never know until they're there.

Hey the second part of your comment is lovely and I appreciate you sharing your family experience. It does help for a childless women to hear especially when you're conflicted in your decision.

The first part of your comment however, is simply rude and uncalled for. I am not trying to ploy a sob story or swing one way or the other.

I'm feeling conflicted and wrote on here because that's exactly part of what mumsnet was made for - adults to discuss life! Please be mindful with your words as it can be cruel.

When people are faced with fertility issues and it could be the last slog and they are confused and panicking and not sure what to do! Sometimes hearing others experiences and discussing things with outside circle people can be very helpful.

But I'm glad to hear you have a beautiful family experience and that is lovely to hear and inspiring.

That's so sweet to hear!
Part of me does feel like surely 2 is better than 1 but my friends say otherwise. For me I LOVE having a sibling and I am super close to my brother whereas my partner isnt close to his siblings. I do feel closer in age is probably better though for the bond. What are your thoughts on that?

Thank you for this as this really feels like something I can relate to! See me and my partner love the countryside and we are considering leaving London for Staffordshire next year and I feel like that may feel like the right time to try as we will be near family and I do have visions of us going on family walks in the beautiful parks and it's something I feel would make me so happy. Then on the other hand we have such an incredible life here.

I guess you're right though both paths can be just as exciting and beautiful just different

I feel like I'm a fairly level headed person. But my biological clock ticked a bit too loud and I ended up with two children. I do adore them, I truly do go to bed every night thinking how lucky I am to have two lovely children, and of all the sweet things they've done that day. BUT, I am exhausted, I don't recognise myself, I feel I have to ask "permission" to go out because I have to ask DH to ensure he is in. We have very little childcare support so we rarely get to do things as a couple anymore etc etc.

So everything you have said is true.

BUT what I have come to realise lately is that time is absolutely flying by. Now my youngest is in pre-school DH and I are going to take the occasional annual leave day and have date days instead of evenings. This week we've bought paddle boards (usually hire) and are off out on Friday. Albeit 9-3pm school hours but that's fine!

And although I miss travelling and seeing the world, I have realised that soon I'll be able to start enjoying those things again. We're going to do a big trip to Thailand (or somewhere SE Asia) when my children are 10/12 ish. Until then little holidays each year are fine, and just a bit different. However, soon it will end up being just my DH and I again, they will grow up and time will have moved on.

In the grand scheme of things although the young years of childhood feel long, they actually aren't.

And I am so very very happy that I will have my children for the rest of my life. I nearly decided not to, but genuinely adore the family we've created.