I’m 37 and childless, and my fertility is low.

[Foresthealing]

I’m 37 and childless, and my fertility is low.
My partner and I are happy — we have our fur babies, a lovely home, and a great life together. Lately, though, we’ve been thinking about trying for a baby.
My fertility is affected by endometriosis, so while it’s not impossible, it would be challenging. The thing is, I’m 37 — and part of me wonders if it’s too late. We have a good life: we’re active, we travel often, we go out, and we enjoy our freedom. I know having a child would change all of that, and logically I tell myself that would be fine…
But.
All my friends with kids seem exhausted, unhappy, and struggling financially. Their lives seem to revolve entirely around parenthood, and I barely recognize them anymore.
I want to be a mum — but I don’t want to lose myself in the process.
It’s hard to talk about this openly because it feels almost taboo. Parents always say, “It’s worth it, I love my kids,” but no one seems to give an honest answer about what it’s really like.
So, tell me — is it truly worth it?

My view is generally if you're on the fence then don't do it.

You're right.

My fertility test a couple of years ago was low but since then I've had my endometriosis operated on and I've lost 5 stone. I haven't had my fertility checked since then.

If it's off the cards now I will be sad but I will be okay - years of facing that could be my reality has already been something I have had to mentally prepare for.

But if there's a chance - maybe you're right now setting stone on “trying” but more just going with it.

Me and my partner do have a healthy sex life and never put pressure on it

@op @Crushed23

I felt very very similar to you. I got pregnant when I was 39, with a very low egg reserve, and I was still worried right up until birth that I might have made a bad decision.

My life before was full, great friends, job, travel etc.

The year or so since I’ve had my baby has been the happiest of my entire life. I wouldn’t change it for ANYTHING. I can’t believe I nearly missed out on this.

I have teenage children age 16 and 17.
Honestly, no it's not worth it.
The cons outway the pros by a long shot.
I love my kids of course but it is a thankless job that leaves you mentally drained and destitute. The teen years have been very tough and I was reduced to nothing more than an emotion pubch bag and slave.
No matter how solid you feel your marriage is, the Daddy will almost certainly up and leave at some point, if not physically then at least emotionally.
Your finances will be annihalated. This will continue well past Uni stage.
I also feel immense guilt that the world they are living in has comoletely changed beyond all recognition to the one I grew up in, and not for the better.
If I had my time again I honestly would not bother. I would be a healthier, happier and more productive person today had I never had my children.

Enjoy your childfree life with your fur babies.

Only just seen this thread. Me and DH decided to go for it when I was 38 and him 45 as I’d realised it was now or never so I did put the pressure on a bit. We’d both been in previous relationships (without children) so hadn’t been in a position to have children much earlier than this. We’d agreed that we didn’t want to do ivf or adoption so it was a case of it would either work out for us naturally or not. We also agreed that we would settle for 1 child.

Luckily it did work out (pretty quickly) and we have DS 3. I’m now 42 and DH is about to turn 50, it’s exhausting but we’re happy. I feel a sense of contentment that I’d never had before being a parent. DH feels permanently exhausted as he has a more stressful job than me but is still a good parent to DS and still makes time for golf which is important to him personally and professionally.

Having a newborn and recovering from the c section was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever faced but I got through it and things change quickly with a baby. I found the baby and toddler stage really tiring and enjoyable in parts, but now age 3 it’s still physically tiring but DS sleeps through the night mostly, will play independently long enough for me to tidy the kitchen/prepare food etc and I can have a conversation with him. Both DH and I have our own interests which we take turns to do on an evening/weekend and DS feels at an easier age for only one of us to be doing teatime/bedtime. I think this makes a huge difference to not feeling like we’ve lost our identities as I feel myself again.

Holidays have changed and we have been to the same hotel in Mallorca for the last few years with good kids facilities and only a short flight. I don’t think it will be much longer before we can look to
do more exciting things again or further afield. We’re fine with that as it’s not going to be forever.

Hope this helps. We adore DS and are so happy we did this. We were absolutely right in not wanting anymore children as most of our friends with more have very little time for their own interests and seem to divide and conquer most of the time. Our ages played a part in this decision I’m sure. Nothing would convince me to go through the newborn stage again but I’m glad I did it once - it didn’t last long, we survived, and now we’re well though it!

I know you are a real person, I didn’t mean the thread was AI generated.

But the OP was written with AI, you can tell with the long dashes, the ending on a rhetorical question, the random bolding, and the American -ize spelling. (I only point it out as something to be aware of in the future in case people think it’s not a genuine thread.)

I have/had endo. I also struggled with infertility as a result. I got it treated and then got pregnant very quickly. But I absolutely would have been happy with either future. Having a child or being childfree, either has its benefits and each has its drawbacks. I do wish you the very best 🌺

i would advise trying IF you want to care for a baby round the clock for a year, have a toddler on your holidays, be a taxi driver to playdates. I’m all over all of that but I don’t know if everyone is.
yes it is tiring - if you have a hands on partner and money it’s a million times easier than if you don’t

There's a quote about having children: the highs are higher and the lows are lower

I've found that to be true for sure, in my opinion it's a richer experience than before kids. Having said that, Ive accepted that in this season of life with a toddler + baby, I won't be able to go where I want, do what I want until they're more independent.

I'm dyslexic, so I use Grammarly on my phone and PC - It was written by me but it was corrected with Grammarly which you're right is a AI tool.
It helps a lot when you're dyslexic but I'm sorry if it looked like a bot, it wasn't my intention 🙈Thanks for pointing it out though as I'll be mindful of the way Grammarly helps me edit.

I had my endo treated too in 2023 but after trying then it didn't work, but I've lost 5 stone since then and not tried in the past 1.5 years and I haven't had my egg count - my AMH test arrives today through Herfertiltiy, so let's see.

Are you one and done? Some ladies on this thread and in my office have said that's the way forward (if my body allows it)

As an endo warrior like me - I'm guessing you had to convince yourself it's okay to go without too - I feel like I've kind of set up my mind to be okay with it never happening but equally I feel like I will always feel a sense of saddness

@MrsTerryPratchett your posts often stand out for me, wise advice. But having read your story you could be me. Except I was the one that pushed the button on having a baby so I can’t blame anyone else…

@Foresthealing@ the mum I am is not the mum I thought I would be. Adjusting to that realisation has been a long and painful process. In your position I’d stay as you are and live your life fully and unhindered.

@Lululemonade11 Yes, what’s important to remember when you’re deep in nappies is that this phase passes and that our children are adults far, far longer than they are young children. I’m at the start of that phase as mine are 20 and 17, and it’s exciting. Most of my friends have late teens/early 20’s children now and we’re enjoying it, several have made career changes and our social lives have def. picked up!

@opone is definitely closer to none than two is. You just might have to entertain more , or be happy for your DC to be by themselves. But I'd say it's definitely easier.

Honestly didn’t enjoy the baby days very much but I absolutely adore having my kids.

But “worth it”? There are so many worthwhile ways to spend a lifetime. I think I may have been selfish bringing kids into this terrible world.

Having a child changes your life like moving a partner in changes it - suddenly you have an extra person to consider and plan around, and you can’t just spend all weekend on the sofa in your PJs.

Whether you like that change depends on how much you like the new person tbh. It was worth it for me, DS is amazing. I have always actively enjoyed hanging out with him, even when he was a baby. If you have multiple dogs it won’t be any more upheaval than that, and children do become self-sufficient (more than dogs do anyway).

Thanks to those who replied to me. Totally agree on one child. If I do go down the baby route, it will definitely be only one. More than one felt like utter chaos even from a child’s perspective, I don’t know how my parents coped with us. 😅

@Crushed23 I’m an only and personally, I think that every family is unique-DH’s parents had four and did a great job, no chaos, a very balanced and happy childhood, more so than mine.

I realized that I could cope with two max. and so far it’s worked out. All parents make mistakes, but I don’t think that DD (20) and DS (17) would describe their upbringings as chaotic though (I hope 🤞 ). 😂

Babies and young dc are hard work for a short period but having children is overall a wonderful experience. Yes it changes your life and it changes you but you and your life will change over the years anyway. I’ve never regretted having children for a second. I’m actually more concerned about the next stage of life, where they leave home and make their own way in the world as I know I will miss them so much.

Haha, I just mean relative to one child families, in my experience. DP is an only and he’s the most emotionally healthy human I know. He was his parents’ focus and they could devote time and attention to his needs and interests. Mine were spread too thin and too busy breaking up squabbles over toys and christ knows what else. 😂

I won't sugar coat it. You will lose yourself but the person you will find will be a substantial upgrade. There's certainly something to be said for breaking the pattern of obsessive self interest in a person. They are deeper more interesting empathic & resilient people.

And I hate to get all 'god bothery' & all but it's only thru death/change that one achieves growth.

But having said that there other ways of 'mothering'. One can be a mother to noone & a mother to all say like women that nurture the human spirit in different ways.

Yeah you are broke and your priorities change, naturally you do lose yourself early on as the need you so much. I felt like you did but I’m totally obsessed with being a mum and I’m truly happy with my little girl. I’m even pregnant again so I can grow my family further but also worried and have the same worries. Eventually we come back to how we are, just different at the same time. If you’re not willing to accept motherhood will change you then don’t have kids

This is a hard one OP because I always wanted to be a mum and it brings me so much joy (as well as the hard work!) and my friends who are tired and stressed are typically the ones with husbands who don’t treat parenting and running a home as a joint responsibility.

But equally my life before being a mum was good and I would have been able to travel more etc if I hadn’t had my kids. Infertility can be all consuming and can take years of your life.

I think it's different for everyone. I never thought about having kids, never got broody, never even held a baby before my late 20s and had children because it was 'the done thing' when you got married. However, it turned out the be the best decision of my life - I have 3 kids and to my surprise have pretty much loved every moment (initial sleep deprivation aside!). They filled a whole in my life I didn't even realised existed, and now they're all in their teens they are the best company ever.

*hole. Bloody autocorrect

Another urging you to move fast. Our only child was conceived at 37 and I had him at 38. He was conceived spontaneously but I also have endometriosis and low egg reserve - so much so, we were advised not to have IVF as it’d be pointless.

If you do decide “let’s go for one” and then you don’t manage to get pregnant, I would lay the house on that being all you can think about. You’d be well advised not to spend much (if any) more time dithering about the decision.

OP, it sounds like you're in a good position, whatever you decide and whatever happens. I have two kids and I don't regret having them at all, I adore them, but it is hard work, and high-risk, and I think if I hadn't had kids, it wouldn't have been the end of my life, and I would have found other ways to be happy.

One thing I will say is that a lot of parents make life worse for themselves and harder than it needs to be. I am not of course talking about people living in abject poverty, or kids with complex health needs etc. But normal, fortunate, people with relatively comfortable lives and healthy kids can make parenting tougher than it needs to be by doing one or more of three things:

• Having kids with the wrong person (I appreciate this isn't always clear at the time!) But from what you say, you have a strong and healthy relationship - that's a good start.

• Women being massive martyrs and taking on more of the work of childcare than they to, and letting men get away with too much.

• Not prioritising their own needs enough over the perceived needs of their children. Obviously you have to make sacrifices and put your children first in some ways, but there were a lot of things I wasn't willing to compromise on and didn't. e.g. I knew I wouldn't cope mentally with poor sleep so I chose to bottle feed from day one so my husband could properly share and we could both get decent sleep. I then sleep trained my kids when needed rather than accepting that I had to get up for the day at 5am, for example. A lot of parents have more influence than they are willing to acknowledge, because imposing boundaries can be hard and make you feel selfish sometimes. I continued with my career and outsourced where needed. I maintained my hobbies and interests - some fell by the wayside obviously as I had less time, but the things that mattered most to me, I maintained. Basically, I tried to be as selfish as an average man!

Women can get totally subsumed by the needs of husbands and babies if they allow it, and lots do. But you don't have to be one of them, and it sounds like you have a positive relationship right now, which is a step in the right direction.

Having said all of that, however amazing your husband and your plans and your boundaries, there's no getting away from what I think is the main downside of having kids which is that they are a huge hostage to fortune. Your happiness depends on their health and happiness and terrible stuff happens in life! However, this is an argument for also having no husband or family or friends at all, and I don't think it makes sense to avoid love in case you end up getting heartbroken. For most people who don't experience tragedy, the pros of having kids outweigh the cons.

And then having said all of that... I also totally think a fulfilling life is possible without children and it sounds like you have one. So you could always decide to just see what happens?