I’m 37 and childless, and my fertility is low.

[Foresthealing]

I’m 37 and childless, and my fertility is low.
My partner and I are happy — we have our fur babies, a lovely home, and a great life together. Lately, though, we’ve been thinking about trying for a baby.
My fertility is affected by endometriosis, so while it’s not impossible, it would be challenging. The thing is, I’m 37 — and part of me wonders if it’s too late. We have a good life: we’re active, we travel often, we go out, and we enjoy our freedom. I know having a child would change all of that, and logically I tell myself that would be fine…
But.
All my friends with kids seem exhausted, unhappy, and struggling financially. Their lives seem to revolve entirely around parenthood, and I barely recognize them anymore.
I want to be a mum — but I don’t want to lose myself in the process.
It’s hard to talk about this openly because it feels almost taboo. Parents always say, “It’s worth it, I love my kids,” but no one seems to give an honest answer about what it’s really like.
So, tell me — is it truly worth it?

You know what? You're right - that first bit was uncalled for. There seems to always be a thread on here being innocently 'confused' about why anyone could possibly be so stupid as to ruin their life with kids and I assumed this was another one. But I understand I've misjudged it and I'm in a bit of a shit mood today (unrelated), I didn't really give it enough thought and I guess the allure of being anonymously snippy seems to have got the better of me. So I'm genuinely sorry, thank you for pulling me up - I'll do better next time.

I hope you can sort out your feelings on it and choose a path that's right for you. I can appreciate the questioning and flip-flopping - as I say, I did it myself for similar reasons. I'd be a vote for go for it if you can, but only you can make that ultimate choice.

That's okay, I appreciate your response and fully understand how things on here can get negative and triggering at times. We are all guilty of it.

I do really appreciate hearing about your family life experience though as it is inspiring.

Everyone around me at work is like don't bother! And you see so many negative things online and I think that creates a lot of fear.

I always wanted to be a mum growing up but getting older now and with my fertility being sadly very low, it is a little now or never. And since we have gone without kids so long and have it so good I'm conflicted now but it does help a lot hearing other experiences.

There's also the flip side of it could be to late for me anyway so my heads all over the place at the moment with it all.

I speak to friends and family but it isn't always easy to get honest opinions from them and it can feel a little lonely at times.

The media/social media has a LOT to answer for. So much performatism, such high attainment and anxiety and at the same time blaring out how exhausting and awful being a parent is etc. It's hard to avoid it and impossible to process. All I can say is I've loved it - and very few of the terrible predictions have come to pass. Is it always sunshine and roses? No. But it's pretty good most of the time - and it's just part of life - the bad bits don't have to be a failure or a mistake.

I think I was in a lucky position that I genuinely felt that if we hadn't had kids (or I wasn't able to) I would have been happy too. I appreciate that's not always the way for everyone.

I think that having the children close in age means they will often be closer. But of course not guaranteed!!
Eg - Mine both are happy to watch similar shows, play at the park, they are easier to entertain together as they are similar in age. My brother and I were 5 years apart so he wasn’t so interested in feeding the ducks with me or reading the same sort of books etc but we did get along well !

I would definitely have them close together again!!!
All the best . And just to add I was 35 and 36 when they were born.

OP (and @Crushed23) it's good your putting thought into it. It is a big decision...on the other hand don't let that paralyze you and remember that whatever you decide, it'll be fine. Though at your age, it has to be a choice to try, not necessarily to actually have children.

Is it worth it... I think the answer to this can change at different times of your life. It was horrifically hard, enraging, lonely and relentless for years. Many apparently simple things were impossible and there was no time for anything other than the grind. There were moments of joy of course but by far the biggest feelings were negative I'm afraid. That changed completely as they got older and it's so so worth it now. But we haven't hit teenage years yet so I'm imagining that may be tough in different ways. When you have a child you feel helpless as all your happiness and peace of mind is tied up in what might happen to your precious children. Things they go through can cut you so deep and you worry for their future. I'd say, if you haven't got significant family help, or a very reliable partner who'll do half the work, don't. And if you're not sure, don't. Cos you'll be regretting it every time you are up at 2am holding the baby.

my experience was the late parenthood transformed my life. I love it! I loved my life before DC but was ready for a change. I wish you the best with your decision.

Thank you! Do you mind me asking what age you were?

I feel I am ready for the change but I'm terrified and the unknown is what scares me

If you are thinking about trying for a baby, I suggest you ask for a blood test of your AMH levels - the number of eggs left. Apparently, this can go down quicker than normal in women with endometriosis.

Having said that, women with endometriosis can still get pregnant with a low level of eggs.

You change forever when you become a mother. Your priorities do become your children and that never goes away.

No one can tell you what it will be like or how you will feel, just that it'll be different.

I adore mine and found that all the what is it all for questions I had when younger are gone. I might have questions now about how do I manage this situation, but it's clear to me what I'm here for now!

On the more day to day stuff, you have boring and tedious days regardless of whether you have children or not is my experience.

I agree with @MrsTerryPratchett in that for me, it was a simple choice. Take one path or take another, and don’t look back, iyswim. Our siblings have all chosen to be childfree and I presume that they’re happy with their choices too.

I decided to have two children and I don’t have regrets, it’s the path I’ve chosen. I was in my early-mid 30’s when I had them, but many of my friends waited until their late 30’s to start their families.

As you’re 37 and doubtful, it may not be the right choice for you. I would think that you’d be sure either way tbh.

I've ordered a Herfertility Kit this week which includes the AMH blood test.

I was ambivalent and found out I had fertility issues when we started trying at 35.

We would have continued to have a good life full of freedom without children but I finally had a successful pregnancy at 37, and the baby turns 1 soon.

I hated the early months but now she’s endlessly fascinating, I get so much joy just by being around her and can’t wait to see what the next iteration of her will be 😄

We thought we’d be one and done but now I’m definitely on the what if we had another side of the argument! It helps that although my husband is away a lot he’s a brilliant engaged father and I have family help.

My two pence worth for what its worth. I was a reluctant mum (partner gave me an ultimatum).

First thing I’d say is there is no magical formula. If you look at your friends’ lives and think ‘that looks rubbish’, you aren’t missing anything. You aren’t reading it wrong. You know what stuff you enjoy, and if baby classes, bump and me yoga, mums coffee mornings etc aren’t it, then you don’t magically get a personality change when you get a baby and start loving that stuff.

I have friends who looked at mums walking round the park with their prams with jealousy thinking it all looked wonderful. And when it was them, they loved it. I always thought it looked dull as hell and I’d rather be at a punk gig and guess what… when it was me I found it really boring. Did it of course, love my kids, but I did not have a personality transplant. It’s like whether you like ice cream, or cheese, or spicy food. Some people enjoy the activity of parenting young kids more than others do.

Only you know what you’d enjoy - because I think this is your question? you know you’d love your child but you want to know if your life will be better with a baby.

For me I’d say my life wasn’t better. I adore my kids. But the marriage I’d fought so hard to maintain fell apart because it turned out husband had also expected me to have a personality change and suddenly turn into a 1950s housewife, so that was a challenge. Career has suffered as there are opportunities I’ve had to pass on. Lost some friends.

I’d say for the things that were taken away, different things have been given back. My relationship with my lovely kids. Travelling less with work means I’ve got into gardening (bit of a change from punk, but still nice). 2 maternity leaves and I’ve made friends with so many in my community. So things are very different.

One other thing - one of my kids is profoundly disabled. Turns out you can’t just ‘manifest’ the kids you think you’ll have (easy, good sleepers, perfect grades etc). I would say many of the years my life has been a car crash. You ever hear that poem welcome to holland? It gets served on us special needs parents a lot, and many of us have a dark joke it should be ‘welcome to hell’. I share this because… when you picture your life with a child, you probably imagine the child you imagine which is probably an idealised one. I was reluctant even on the subject of my imaginary kid. If I’d known the kid I did have, it would have been a big hard no.

Before I get slated, the big hard no would have been child-free me as to whether that was a life I wanted. Me now is happy I have my kids and loves them to bits. But it is also true that most people if they had a choice to have their lives or mine, would not choose my life. And it is also true that I could have had a very very good life without children of our own, as any of us can.

I hope some of this is helpful.

How would you feel if the choice was taken away entirely?

If someone said 'you'll never be a mother' would there be any sadness? I often think taking away a choice reveals your true feelings.

I was your age and in a similar position for number two. We weren't sure about upsetting a good life

In the end we did nothing to prevent it but didn't actively try

She's eight now and the absolute light of all our lives.

I think there quite a lot to be said for just saying 'what will be will be'. Obviously that requires you to stop preventing it so there is some active choice there but there are a huge number of factors you still can't control.

I can see a child free life can be appealing and I would never criticise anyone who chooses this as parenting is hard work. But I think you adapt to the demands and I don't recognise the miserable picture some people paint.

One person's experience will never be the same as another's though so no one can give you a definitive answer.

For those like you (and me) who are/were on the fence about kids and have a happy and fulfilling life without kids it’s the biggest gamble you’ll ever take. I had mine late (both when I was over 40). It does turn your life upside down and I think I lost a little bit of my former self, it’s inevitable if you’ve had so much of adulthood without kids. We’re poorer, sleep deprived like you can’t imagine and both our careers have suffered in different ways but it’s still changed our lives for the better in ways it’s difficult to explain, I am so grateful now for the kids I managed to have, having left it so late. The anxiety that kids bring is next level but so is the happiness, it’s really not comparable to anything else. In your shoes, I would start trying and see what your reaction is each time you don’t get pregnant (disappointment or relief), that should give you some insight.

Thank you for this comment as it is so similar to my situation. My partner is so supportive and I think he'd be an incredible father. And I am starting to feel like we just go for it with one

Wow this comment gave me a lot of food for thought, thank you.

Between ages 30 to 35 I was 100% sure I wanted kids and to be a mum but then I had fertility tests two years ago and an operation on my endo I was told my changes are low. I've been with my partner a few years now and I guess since I met him I had to be clear having kids maybe off the cards.

I came off the coil two months ago and we've taken the “what will be will be” approach but being somewhat careful around ovulation week if you get me.

Now it is almost like I have trained my brain to be okay with not conceiving just incase it doesn't happen. So how I feel about never being a mum is not as painful as it once was. I feel somewhat emotionless about it. Whereas 7 years ago I would have felt devastated.

I have my fertility test this week so I guess that may change things again.

I'm basically at the point that it could be now or never!

I don't want to get to say age 45 and regret not really trying. But I just don't know 😔

I think that’s a really difficult one to answer as a parent because you love them so much so wouldn’t ever want to be without them. The saying goes “You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child” and there is so much truth in that. If your child is easy going and you have a good support network with a great partner, that’s a world away from having no support, a useless partner with a “spirited” child. The experiences will be like night and day. Obviously you can’t predict everything but if you have support that will easier.

I had DS at 37. It's not necessarily too late, but get the fuck on with it if you do fancy it.

I can't say life has changed beyond all recognition. We've always taken him with us doing almost all the same things we did before. He was portable and doing it from an early age meant he just fitted in with our existing life. We've always made a point about it

It is different to before but not massively.

The secret for us, has been having just one. When I look around at other families with two or more I just think 'that way madness lies'.

I didn't want kids before that, because I didn't want to lose myself either. No regrets here.

Maybe you won't have kids. That's ok too. Just made yourself have some kind of life goal to fit with that.

I'm not sure why you think that but I can assure you it is not. I'm a real person

I love your comment 🤣 this quote came to mind “come the fuck on bridgette”

Your right! Maybe we do need to just get on with it. My heart is conflicted but then maybe that's telling. If I didn't want a child at all then I wouldn't be questioning things so much.

Maybe 1 is the key!

I kind of think this is bad advice. How many people are 100% sure? You just have to weigh the pros and cons and hope for the best.

I agree with you. I saw this comment and my jaw floored because every friend, colleague I have spoken to has told me they were never 100% sure.
Part of me feels if I am questioning it I means I'm not set on it being something I don't want.

Pros and cons is a great idea - I'll do that tonight! My fertility test arrives today too. I think that will help the decision too

I'd say you've answered your own question then.

You would regret not trying but if it's not what life intends for you, then that's okay.

I would caution against getting deep in the 'trying' in this situation. I think there's a huge psychological (manifesting in physical) element to pregnancy that we don't understand.

I've had friends who have tried for years fall pregnant naturally after the first consultation about IVF, several family members have 'Ibiza babies ' conceived after getting pissed on holiday outside of the proper window after years of timing cycles. I convinced both of mine outside of when I should have been ovulating.

And the further you go down the rabbit hole the more it takes over.

Regular sex without 'trying' is best if you can manage but of course it's easier said than done.