Page 4 | I’m 37 and childless, and my fertility is low.

Foresthealing · 2025-10-13T13:38:48+00:00

I’m 37 and childless, and my fertility is low. My partner and I are happy — we have our fur babies, a lovely home, and a great life together. Lately, though, we’ve been thinking about trying for a baby. My fertility is affected by endometriosis, so while it’s not impossible, it would be challenging. The thing is, I’m 37 — and part of me wonders if it’s too late. We have a good life: we’re active, we travel often, we go out, and we enjoy our freedom. I know having a child would change all of that, and logically I tell myself that would be fine… *But.* All my friends with kids seem exhausted, unhappy, and struggling financially. Their lives seem to revolve entirely around parenthood, and I barely recognize them anymore. I ^want^ to be a mum — but I don’t want to lose myself in the process. It’s hard to talk about this openly because it feels almost taboo. Parents always say, “It’s worth it, I love my kids,” but no one seems to give an honest answer about what it’s ^really^ like. So, tell me — *is it truly worth it?*

GhostMutt · 30/01/2026 16:31

I had a lot of anxiety about becoming a parent but the thing I wasn’t prepared for was finding out that anxiety was actually justified.
The range of shit that can go wrong on a daily basis is mind boggling and as a parent you are expected to suck it up and get on with it.
For me, the really bad parts have felt like my soul was being ripped apart.
The good part is how much I love my daughter, but the every day reality of that is moments of thinking Christ I can’t believe how much I love her interspersed into more or less relentless drudgery.
I can’t honestly say becoming a mother has changed my life for the better, or rather I can say that I enjoy my life less, day to day and looking forward to the future.
But I made a decision to make my life about pleasing someone else, meeting their needs above my own, so it follows that I’m less content really.
I really don’t mean to be a downer but PND and anxiety are quite common and in my experience most parents are stressed to bits.
Is it worth it…For you, nobody knows. It’s a massive leap of faith and unfortunately once you’ve found out you’re stuck, there’s no going back. That’s life.

Echobelly · 30/01/2026 16:41

I agree you can't speak for anyone else. I, too, was scared of losing my identity as a parent, but it didn't happen in the end. But then, I am a pretty self contained person, I never defined myself so much in terms of my job or my friends or a specific 'lifestyle'. Also I was fortunate to have fairly easy kids so I was never dreadfully underslept or overwhelmed.

I think it also makes a huge difference if you can afford babysitting or have family childcare support. We did have the latter and were able to have time together as a couple fairly regularly, which was a big help in being able to feel like 'ourselves'.

Original poster

Foresthealing · 31/01/2026 10:43

mixandmatch · 30/01/2026 16:03

OP, it sounds like you're in a good position, whatever you decide and whatever happens. I have two kids and I don't regret having them at all, I adore them, but it is hard work, and high-risk, and I think if I hadn't had kids, it wouldn't have been the end of my life, and I would have found other ways to be happy.

One thing I will say is that a lot of parents make life worse for themselves and harder than it needs to be. I am not of course talking about people living in abject poverty, or kids with complex health needs etc. But normal, fortunate, people with relatively comfortable lives and healthy kids can make parenting tougher than it needs to be by doing one or more of three things:

Having kids with the wrong person (I appreciate this isn't always clear at the time!) But from what you say, you have a strong and healthy relationship - that's a good start.

Women being massive martyrs and taking on more of the work of childcare than they to, and letting men get away with too much.

Not prioritising their own needs enough over the perceived needs of their children. Obviously you have to make sacrifices and put your children first in some ways, but there were a lot of things I wasn't willing to compromise on and didn't. e.g. I knew I wouldn't cope mentally with poor sleep so I chose to bottle feed from day one so my husband could properly share and we could both get decent sleep. I then sleep trained my kids when needed rather than accepting that I had to get up for the day at 5am, for example. A lot of parents have more influence than they are willing to acknowledge, because imposing boundaries can be hard and make you feel selfish sometimes. I continued with my career and outsourced where needed. I maintained my hobbies and interests - some fell by the wayside obviously as I had less time, but the things that mattered most to me, I maintained. Basically, I tried to be as selfish as an average man!

Women can get totally subsumed by the needs of husbands and babies if they allow it, and lots do. But you don't have to be one of them, and it sounds like you have a positive relationship right now, which is a step in the right direction.

Having said all of that, however amazing your husband and your plans and your boundaries, there's no getting away from what I think is the main downside of having kids which is that they are a huge hostage to fortune. Your happiness depends on their health and happiness and terrible stuff happens in life! However, this is an argument for also having no husband or family or friends at all, and I don't think it makes sense to avoid love in case you end up getting heartbroken. For most people who don't experience tragedy, the pros of having kids outweigh the cons.

And then having said all of that... I also totally think a fulfilling life is possible without children and it sounds like you have one. So you could always decide to just see what happens?

Wow thank you for such a thoughtful response.

This was extremely reassuring and what I needed to hear for reassurance.

Since I made this post we have been trying actively to conceive but sadly it has not happened yet. Due to both of us having infertility issues it looks as though we will need IVF so we’re in the process of having fertility assessments in more depth for our upcoming IVF consultation.

My DH is an incredible person and very much involved and supportive.

The reality of not conceiving has been painful and it has made me realise this is something I deeply want and the sacrifices that come with that I no longer care about.

OP posts:

Original poster

Foresthealing · 31/01/2026 10:45

Echobelly · 30/01/2026 16:41

I agree you can't speak for anyone else. I, too, was scared of losing my identity as a parent, but it didn't happen in the end. But then, I am a pretty self contained person, I never defined myself so much in terms of my job or my friends or a specific 'lifestyle'. Also I was fortunate to have fairly easy kids so I was never dreadfully underslept or overwhelmed.

I think it also makes a huge difference if you can afford babysitting or have family childcare support. We did have the latter and were able to have time together as a couple fairly regularly, which was a big help in being able to feel like 'ourselves'.

You’re right! I think having support matters. Whilst we aren’t near family we can afford to get help so this is something we will need to do.

since I made this post we have been TTC and sadly have not been successful but we have a IVF consultation coming up soon.

OP posts:

Piglet89 · 01/02/2026 01:26

Foresthealing · 31/01/2026 10:45

You’re right! I think having support matters. Whilst we aren’t near family we can afford to get help so this is something we will need to do.

since I made this post we have been TTC and sadly have not been successful but we have a IVF consultation coming up soon.

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@Foresthealingyour final paragraph is exactly what I feared might happen. I hope it works out for you.

LondonLady1980 · 01/02/2026 08:59

I absolutely adore my children but it is exhausting!

The baby and toddler years are physically exhausting whereas now they are older (aged 8 and almost 12) it’s even harder in some ways.

At least when they were younger they were in bed by 7pm and me and my DH had some time to ourselves…. but those days have long gone now. We are lucky if our evenings are “child-free” until 9.30pm and by then me and DH are ready for bed too.

I find that as they’ve gotten older they consume even more of our time as our evenings are spent either doing homework or taking them back and forth to their hobbies and sports. When they were younger we would go out as a family or I would have time to meet up with friends (and their young children too) and we’d do nice activities with them etc etc - whereas now the weekends are dominated by the extra-curricular activities our children do.

Many people say that things get easier as the children get older, and you get back more time for yourself and as a couple and you can “find yourself again” but I actually find the opposite to be true.

Having children is wonderful and they can bring huge amounts of joy to your life, but in the majority of cases they require a huge sacrifice of your own freedom and time.

Jk987 · 01/02/2026 09:04

I’d say there’s no point actively preventing a pregnancy with contraception. There’s no harm in giving it a go and seeing what fate hands out. Just remember to start on folic acid.

JuliettaCaeser · 01/02/2026 09:52

Heard a good interview with Lionel Shriver who chose not to have children. She likened it to when she did an extreme sporting challenge. It was hard tough and at times awful but ultimately one of the best things she did. She was comfortable with her choice but came to the realisation having children was a big risk and came at personal cost but - without taking that risk you can’t get the incredible rewards.

jfwthigo · 01/02/2026 09:59

Just wanted to add my thoughts that I’m another who hasn’t become subsumed with parenthood. I had my children pretty young by today’s standards; I was adamant I wasn’t going to ‘write myself off’ and have very proactively sought my career, my own hobbies and most importantly to me ring fenced our marriage so we still had a lot of time as a couple and we didn’t deprioritise this which seems to be the downfall of so many families I know. I suppose because I knew the odds were stacked against us in so many regards, I was very mindful.

The result has been (if I can reflect with mid-teens) financial stability, strong marriage, children who are frequently complimented on their independence and thoughtfulness (something I very much credit to not being put on pedestals and knowing they are a part of our life, not the centre of our universe) and parents who are fulfilled.

It can absolutely be done, parent how you want to parent, not how you think you’re supposed to.

Piglet89 · 01/02/2026 12:55

jfwthigo · 01/02/2026 09:59

Just wanted to add my thoughts that I’m another who hasn’t become subsumed with parenthood. I had my children pretty young by today’s standards; I was adamant I wasn’t going to ‘write myself off’ and have very proactively sought my career, my own hobbies and most importantly to me ring fenced our marriage so we still had a lot of time as a couple and we didn’t deprioritise this which seems to be the downfall of so many families I know. I suppose because I knew the odds were stacked against us in so many regards, I was very mindful.

The result has been (if I can reflect with mid-teens) financial stability, strong marriage, children who are frequently complimented on their independence and thoughtfulness (something I very much credit to not being put on pedestals and knowing they are a part of our life, not the centre of our universe) and parents who are fulfilled.

It can absolutely be done, parent how you want to parent, not how you think you’re supposed to.

Did you have family support to look after your children while you ringfenced your marriage? Or did you have to arrange and pay for private childcare?

Riverflow6 · 01/02/2026 12:56

Realistically you are just not going to be the same person after having a baby. It’s just a huge change

jfwthigo · 01/02/2026 13:04

Piglet89 · 01/02/2026 12:55

Did you have family support to look after your children while you ringfenced your marriage? Or did you have to arrange and pay for private childcare?

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Mixture of both. Due to work we live hundreds of miles away from family, we’ve never had family close by, so we would pay babysitters (from nursery) to help us get out one night per month (we always set a goal to have one ‘date’ day/night per month, not called that, appreciate it sounds twee!) or we’d book a day off and go out together for lunch etc when they were in childcare.

But our families are hugely supportive so while we didn’t have them close by for regularly babysitting, they’ve regularly had our kids for 1-2 weeks at a time over the years in school holidays, great for them to build a relationship and enabled us time together. Some of those years we go on holiday together alone, some we just enjoyed the time alone going out for meals etc.

And prioritising your marriage doesn’t always look like the above, a lot of it was just being very purposeful about how we were with each other, communication, supporting each other’s careers, sharing the load at home, making time for each other when the kids are in bed when it’s tempting to just doom scroll.

ImpatientlyWaitingForSummer · 01/02/2026 13:34

Obviously I can only answer from my own perspective, but yes for me it was 1000% worth it. I knew my whole life I wanted to have children, felt like I had so much love to give and wanted the honour of raising little people and giving them a wonderful life so I never had any doubts. I have two now and I hate imagining life without them, this phase of my life is a million times better than any others. Yes it’s hard sometimes and you’re sleep deprived especially early on, but I would do it over and over again, I love each stage more than the previous one and genuinely look forward to seeing their faces everyday. I know a lot of people worry about losing their identity, but for me a new identity was created, I’m not the workaholic, glamorous, crazy party animal that I was before, I’m a calm, patient, homebody and I can very much say I like this version of myself a whole lot more!