Termination, *trigger warning*

[Wishicoulddream]

Please tell me if I’ve posted this in the wrong place and I’ll immediately ask for it to be deleted, I’m sorry if I offend anyone.

I feel so alone. I have 2 children, 11 and 8. My 8 year old
has ASN and Tourette’s and a congenital liver condition and requires a lot of care. I’ve been the “main” primary parent, working
from home to allow his care needs to be met when he is often off school due to his health. My husband works long hours and enjoys his work and I guess has used it as a bit of an escape from home life at times but no more so than other dads might use golf or gym as an escape. I thought we were doing ok, happy, slightly full with home life on yes but managing and I was happy doing all the health appts etc. We struggled with fertility issues for a long time and so haven’t used contraception since youngest was born. To my utter amazement I found out I was pregnant 4 weeks ago after going
to the gp as I kept feeling so dizzy and nearly fainting.
The next day, before I’d thought of a “cute” way to tell my husband the news, he sat me down and told me he’s leaving us for another woman. His “soulmate”. Seemed amazed I was surprised and said he thought I knew. I was so shocked I don’t think I I said a word through the conversation. I just felt sick. He’s moving in with her and already had a bag packed, they know each other through work and it’s Been going on for 6+ months and they are planning their life together, he’ll pay child maintenance and see the kids
every week (his words). She is young and they hope to have their own family.
My world has stopped. I’m barely holding it together for my kids. There is no way I can manage a newborn breastfeeding round the clock with no support -
i am up with my son 4 times a night for meds / toileting help which would be hard but doable with my husband here but not on my own. I’m already struggling with exhaustion and sore boobs and dizziness and I’m shattered only
8 weeks. I met with my local support for termination team and they gently agreed it sounds too much for me to continue the pregnancy.. I’m also 44 so chances of
a smooth, healthy pregnancy aren’t that great. so I’m booked in
for a medical termination on Monday. I know it’s the right thing for my 2 children who need me now more than ever, but I’m already attached to the (very early) bean inside me. I’m so so sad knowing this was my last shot at another baby. I don’t have any friends to talk to, no family
near me and my mum is in a care home so I just needed to write it down here. He doesn’t know I’m even pregnant as we’ve not talked since he Waltzed out a week ago. I feel so desperate. Is there any hope out of all this?

[bilbodog]

So sorry to hear what you are dealing with right now. Are there any close friends or family you can confide in and talk to?

[Wishicoulddream]

@bilbodog

So sorry to hear what you are dealing with right now. Are there any close friends or family you can confide in and talk to?

No, i became very Isolated when my child who has additional needs got past the baby stage as life revolved around his health appointments and it just didn’t work meeting for play dates as he gets overwhelmed in eg softplays/ parks/ the kind of places you make mum friends.
i work from home to be able to care for my kids and do all the health stuff so never made any work friends as it’s all online admin. My mum is in a care home with early onset dementia and I have a brother but he lives in NZ. That’s all my family. My husband was
my everything and my best friend so I’ve no one now. apart from my beautiful kids but they need me to be strong ☹️

[cestlavielife]

Is he planning shared care of the existing dc? Tell him you expect 50 /50 . If he has the other two 50% of the time eg week on week off then a baby might be feasible ? As you will have the other two cared for by him 50% of the time .

And as baby gets older same.

[Wishicoulddream]

He just said he’ll see
them once a week. He won’t have them 50/50 as his work hours would make their wrap around care impossible, not to mention our son’s weekly care needs and appointments ☹️

[cestlavielife]

Have you got children with disabilities ss involved?

[Wishicoulddream]

I get DLA and my son goes to a specialist school, thats all as we’ve managed fine so far without SS.

[theduchessofspork]

Jesus OP I am really sorry.

He doesn’t sound like he’s father of the year TBH, but this must be a huge shock.

It sounds like you have decided a termination is right for you, and it also sounds sensible.

Get a solicitor and make sure you get every penny you can out of him now. If he has more kids then maintenance will go down.

It sounds like you really need some time for you, so please do engage with SS and make sure Mr VIP job takes them overnight weekly. I would also consider seeing a counsellor or coach to think about how you could build up your life for you.

[cestlavielife]

As you said, you won't manage a baby as well.
So if you continue the pregnancy you will need more help.
Ss children with disabilities to organize respite, for dc with special needs, maybe consider residential school?
Dad to do 50 50
Dad to step up and organize childcare in his time
Dad to take the baby half the time

Or can dad fund a live in nanny ?
Is he high earner?
See. Solicitor. Divorce. Get half his pension. Pay a nanny .

[cestlavielife]

If you terminate which sounds sensible still do not let him get away so easily with abandoning his dc.

[Wishicoulddream]

He earns around £70k so in my world
that’s a lot but I’m aware to some it’s not in the highest earning bracket.
he won’t go for 50/50. Kids would also hate having to stay with him and his new partner and possible a nanny, they
are
sooo close to me as mummy and come to me for everything ☹️so at most once a week will be hard
enough
for them. What a bloody mess☹️I hate how much I already love this Tiny bean but I know it’s “just” a pregnancy structure for
now and I’m not to think of it as a baby ☹️

[canttellyouwhereorwhatido]

Don't shoulder this alone. Why are you letting him get away with this Scott free tell him! You should not be handling all this on your own, it is 50% he's doing.

[Wishicoulddream]

I just know realistically that because of the additional needs he only wants me for nighttime’s etc and the idea of them having to go to his “new” flat more than once a week would be so scary for him- all his things and routines are here and because of his autism any Change is so hard for him. I’ll continue to be “primary” parent as I always have been, and he’ll become that classic Saturday dad. I’m just so sad I can’t keep this unbelievable baby as I know won’t be able to cope ☹️☹️

[Gcsunnyside23]

So sorry OP, he's a horrible person and a terrible situation. Are you telling him about the baby? No batter what you decide he should know so that he can shoulder the responsibility and guilt that it's just actions forcing it. His bit on the side also needs to know as no doubt he's spun her a lovely story that yes in a loveless sexless marriage. He doesn't get to run off and start a new family and leave you with all this. I'm really angry for you OP, you need to get angry too

[Wishicoulddream]

I don’t know what if anything to tell him about the baby. I feel so so sad at the prospect of Monday but I know I can’t manage a newborn on top of all I have to manage already and that hurts so bad. I can’t believe him. It’s like some awful EastEnders episode.

[Type2whattodo]

I would be wrecking his little love bubble and turning up there and announce you are 8 weeks pregnant cause I bet you he's said you haven't had sex for years.

[Newyearnewusername2024]

So sorry this is happening. But you need to tell him asap. It is not your responsibility alone. Going in quietly on Monday makes yourself a martyr- that's not a good thing.

And you really need to get tough. I know the kids want you more, but you don't have anyone else so have probably encouraged this unconsciously. Obviously it's good to be an attached parent but it's not good to model matyrism, self-sacrifice and isolation

[Type2whattodo]

I'd also be giving this young woman a sharp dose of reality by giving your husband both kids next weekend for the first visit and let her see how hard reality is.

[Newyearnewusername2024]

And yes I echo the pp. The new happy couple need a reality check.

And do not rush to terminate, you have time.

[Lalalalalabambaa]

@Type2whattodo

I would be wrecking his little love bubble and turning up there and announce you are 8 weeks pregnant cause I bet you he's said you haven't had sex for years.

This.

[Autumcolors]

Tell him about the baby.
He is behaving despicably. It must be so terribly hard.
Id tell her too. She needs to know he has been having his cake and eating it.
There are some charitable organizations that will provide support. One helped a mum who was pregnant with triplets. It’s is a Catholic organization. Im writing this because of what you wrote in one of your posts. Im mentioning this so you understand there may be options for you.
Dont make any quick decisions.

[Wishicoulddream]

I don’t even know where she lives. I’ve not spoken to him since he waltzed out with his bag saying he’d meet me when I was ready to talk next steps and the kids meeting her?!? you couldn’t write it. I highly doubt he’ll tell me where she lives for fear I’ll rock up and cause a scene which I wouldn’t, I’m not a confrontational person and I’ve got some shred of dignity left without turning up there with them both looking at with me disgust / pity. I know morally he should know I’m pregnant but…I don’t think I can find the words to tell him. I really don’t. The nice nurses I’ve spoken to the last week have all impressed on me that I need to do this sooner rather than later if I am terminating as I’ll only get more attached thanks to magical hormones, and the process will be harder with heavier bleeding and longer bleeding the longer I leave it. It’s so upsetting to think about.

[Newyearnewusername2024]

@Wishicoulddream a week or so to think will not make much difference.

Please don't muddle up keeping your dignity with being spineless. You are totally the wronged party here, and this is so horrible for you..but you have to find your anger and assertiveness, for the sake of your health, your children and your life.

[areyouactuallyok]

This sounds so heartbreaking, I'm sorry your going through this. But I agree with pp's. Tell him, I know it seems difficult but he has been utterly despicable to you don't let him just run off into the sunset while your going through all this alone. I'm genuinely so sorry you've been left in this awful position. I understand the nurses but please take time on your decision.

[OhamIreally]

I know posters saying your ex needs to step up mean well but those of us who have been there know this is unlikely and the law is not on our side. He can simply walk away and the only obligation is to pay a small percentage of his income as child maintenance. Not a damn thing else.

It's extremely hard being a single parent. You have made this decision because otherwise your life will be hell and the lives of your existing children will also be impacted. There's also the possibility that the pregnancy could result in another disabled child.

Please protect yourself as much as you possibly can. This is your life, you don't have to sacrifice all of it.

As for your ex, I'm sorry that he's outed himself as yet another selfish man.

[RicePuddingWithCinnamon]

Sorry I don’t have any useful advice but you are a fucking legend, you are literally a superhero to deal with everything you have going on.
Send hugs hugs to you 💐