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Original poster

I don’t want children but my wife does

77 replies

Confusedwife111 · 22/09/2022 21:52

Hi all, this is just for advice for anyone who has had a similar life experience or has any advice

my partner and I met 5 years ago. Initially she wanted children but explained it was because she’d been brought up that women got married and had children. I didn’t, we spoke about it at length and decided we wanted to be child free

we got married in 2021 and the decision was spoken About prior to this and remained the same

out of the blue my wife has informed me she’s changed her mind. I’m 39 she’s 28

it has been a shock and I’ve agreed to think about adoption etc but my wife’s decided I’d be doing something I didn’t want for her, without letting me formulate this opinion however has said it isn’t an ultimatum

any advice welcome as I am stuck, as it appears I can’t even think for myself and whatever decision I make will be wrong

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 22/09/2022 21:54

Let her go and have kids. You said you don’t want them.

lottiegarbanzo · 22/09/2022 21:57

Why would you leap to adoption, rather than having your own children? Adoption will be much harder, for both of you.

lottiegarbanzo · 22/09/2022 21:59

But ultimately you're incompatible, so divorce and let her go. It's really good that she's realised this so young, when you both have plenty of time to meet and make new lives with other people.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 22/09/2022 21:59

It sounds like she wants to hear you say that you want a child as much as she does, and as you can’t genuinely say that you do she’s always going to feel a bit disappointed even if you do start a family.

Hearthnhome · 22/09/2022 21:59

Don’t have kids you don’t want in an attempt to keep her. That ends badly for everyone including the child.

Its not really surprising that at 23 and 27, she believed she wouldn’t want them and then change her mind.

Often if we are in love we think we can do without certain things, truly convinced of it, to keep the one we love. Then it turns out we can’t. That’s life unfortunately.

Not sure why you think she isn’t letting you have an opinion. You don’t want kids sShe knows you don’t and knows you would only be doing it for her.

Where it goes from here depends on what she decides. Many people don’t want children they suspect are not all in

BudgetBlast · 22/09/2022 21:59

You need to separate. People who have children need to do it enthusiastically and it is not your thing. That is perfectly fine but you and your wife are completely incompatible. It is a red line issue.

GetOffTheRoof · 22/09/2022 22:02

Adoption is not somehow easier than having your own children in the traditional vein. Adoption is a long drawn out process of assessing your suitability to take on a child that's been through the mill, and how you'll cope with potential issues and parenting in general. You'll both be expected to discuss why you aren't having children yourselves, and what process you've been through to come to terms with that.

If you're not ready for children in the sense of getting your wife pregnant and everything that comes with that for the following 18+ years then PLEASE don't look at adoption as an easier option.

If you don't want kids, don't have them. It's fine. It's not obligatory.

However if your wife wants children, she needs to head off and either do it alone or find someone else to do it with.

Signed: Childless woman who always wanted children married to an infertile husband who wasn't bothered about having kids - it's something I've had to massively learn to live with. And it's not bloody easy.

neighboursmustliveon · 22/09/2022 22:22

You need to let her go.you are not compatible. She is still plenty young enough to find someone to have children with.

I don't understand why you kept to adoption though, unless you have already had a vasectomy?

YippeeKiYay155 · 22/09/2022 22:24

I am reading this thread as both OP and the wife are female? That aside, you both need to be on the same page as having children is hard.

CantFindTheBeat · 22/09/2022 22:25

You are a fair bit older than your wife.

You met her when she was 23, which is very young.

It's fair enough that she has changed her mind.

Where has adoption some from? That seems like quite a leap?

2bazookas · 22/09/2022 22:26

I'm shocked that you sugested adoption, as if an adopted child would require some lesser degree of commitment and involvement from you and might pacify your wife like some kind of consolation prize.

Geppili · 22/09/2022 22:27

Separate

Hillrunning · 22/09/2022 22:29

Don't have children you don't want. Certainly don't adopt (think you would struggle too anyway). It is time to get divorced. And for next time round, if you're not looking to be a parent, perhaps aim for someone your age.

WorrieaboutFIL · 22/09/2022 22:30

If you love her, set her free. Don't string her along.

sorcerersapprentice · 22/09/2022 22:30

Set her free to have a child with someone who does want one.
Or re-consider your attitude to having a family

Whadda · 22/09/2022 22:31

You’re no longer compatible so need to separate.

(And I say this as a childfree and married 40-something so I completely understand your POV on not wanting children. Though I don’t get the adoption comment).

Sux2buthen · 22/09/2022 22:33

Presuming same sex relationship. This must be a sad situation OPFlowers

yougotthelook · 22/09/2022 22:34

2bazookas · 22/09/2022 22:26

I'm shocked that you sugested adoption, as if an adopted child would require some lesser degree of commitment and involvement from you and might pacify your wife like some kind of consolation prize.

I think they are a same sex couple

Instantnoodles · 22/09/2022 22:34

Op is female I think (username) hence talk of adoption

Fundays12 · 22/09/2022 22:35

This must be very difficult for you but the reality is you both at this stage want entirely different things. Please don't be pressured into adopting a child or having a child. It is a lifelong commitment and not one to be taken on unless your sure it's right for you.

Adoption is a very long drawn out process during which both of you will be asked quite invasive questions potentially. It's not one to go into lightheartedly. Many adopted children suffer some level of trauma due to previous abuse or neglect. They often have additional care needs which is an added strain (I have an additional needs child and it's hard work mentally, physically and emotionally but I wouldn't change him for the world).

Can you ask her to give you a few weeks to think? Would a few days away by yourself help? Or do you have a good friend you can talk to?

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/09/2022 22:35

Why would you adopt rather than have them yourselves? That’s quite a process and you both have to be fully on board.

In the title of his thread you say you don’t want them, so it appears your wife is right, right?

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/09/2022 22:35

Instantnoodles · 22/09/2022 22:34

Op is female I think (username) hence talk of adoption

It’s still much easier to have biological children rather than adopt if you are a lesbian couple though

neighboursmustliveon · 22/09/2022 22:36

Instantnoodles · 22/09/2022 22:34

Op is female I think (username) hence talk of adoption

Good spot, I never look at user names and clearly have a hero bias I need to work on!

Same advise though, if you feel strongly you don't want children then you shouldn't have children.

UWhatNow · 22/09/2022 22:36

Only two options here - set her free or go for it. Most of the men (not assuming you are a man op) but I only know blokes who’ve been trapped or coerced in this situation and they subsequently had an epiphany on the joy of fatherhood and some went on to have more. Look at Simon Cowell and George Clooney - confirmed bachelors and now happy family men!

yougotthelook · 22/09/2022 22:37

Confusedwife111 · 22/09/2022 21:52

Hi all, this is just for advice for anyone who has had a similar life experience or has any advice

my partner and I met 5 years ago. Initially she wanted children but explained it was because she’d been brought up that women got married and had children. I didn’t, we spoke about it at length and decided we wanted to be child free

we got married in 2021 and the decision was spoken About prior to this and remained the same

out of the blue my wife has informed me she’s changed her mind. I’m 39 she’s 28

it has been a shock and I’ve agreed to think about adoption etc but my wife’s decided I’d be doing something I didn’t want for her, without letting me formulate this opinion however has said it isn’t an ultimatum

any advice welcome as I am stuck, as it appears I can’t even think for myself and whatever decision I make will be wrong

I'm so sorry. I'm presuming you are a same sex couple.
Before you even think about separating, think about some couples counselling.
That should help clarify both your thoughts on this.
It sounds like your wife deeply loves you and doesn't want to lose you, but also does now want children- which must have come as a huge shock to you.
Please explore this further - for both your sakes x
Sending love xx

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